Spaceman Amused!!

May pre house the seamy side volitation!!!

So reads the package on my brand new "Flying Ultraman" toy. It’s a simple toy: a flying action figure that hangs by a thread from your ceiling, powered by a tiny battery powered propeller attached to his feet.

Now, if you’re like DRaftervoi (and who isn’t?), you find STRANGE and BIZARRE English grammar to be fascinating. The prospects of a badly written set of instructions for your Transformer-Robot/Gun sets your little heart to beating "pitter-pat, pitter pat," as you ponder the arcane mystery of a command such as "UPWARD WITH ARMS AND OUTWARD PUT."

Most of you have read my profile, with the twisted directions taken from a Japanese-made vegetable grater ("Beautiful! Sharp Edged!"), or recall my expounding about the wonders of a mistranslation of Beach Boys lyrics such as "She make the eighty five hundred look like a Roman cherry at place." (Say it fast. You’ll figure it out.)

Now, I’ve often wondered exactly HOW some of this stuff gets as garbled up as it does...are they merely giving the job of translation to someone who has had one year of grade school English instruction ("Here you go, kid...a Japanese/English dictionary is all you’ll need to translate this 100 page laser printer manual into the gaijin’s barbarian tongue"), or are they using some extremely faulty software translation program?

Well, a few weeks ago, I ran across a product that contained instructions SO BIZARRE that I have now come to the conclusion that what I once thought was BAD ENGLISH is merely some guy in China PULLING MY LEG, i.e., the grammar on this package so greatly exceeds the norm for wacky English that I am now convinced that I am the Victim of a Post Modern Ironic Practical Joke.

Knowing that there are people who find bad English funny, and that these people will buy products BECAUSE the product has badly written instructions, they are now producing badly written instructions ON PURPOSE!!

Usually I can make out some vague connection with an actual English language phase. For example "Give attention to open/close toys.therefore take place peril.for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.vent itself prythee pay attention" is clearly a warning of some sort, most likely an attempt to warn us of the dangers of cheaply produced batteries, as is "Batteries no electification dissolution plunge ioto aquaor fire."

And "With appertain rotor of screw setting pre ceiling on the under standing that screw no wield. May wield two-faced pressboard securing. Wield pre to begin with wiping ceiling of bilge dasto" must have something to do with hanging the "Flying Ultraman" toy from my ceiling. God knows, I sure want to make sure that MY ceiling is wiped clean of any "bilge dasto"!!!!

But look at the following and tell me if you think that someone is pulling ol’ Draftervoi’s leg; I mean, what else can I make of a set of instructions that includes the sentence: "Til the cowcomes home. Wield toys damage, burnin-in prythee wind to a close wield." ??

"Til the cowcomes home"?????

"May pre house the seamy side volitation"????

I think I’ve been suckered. I think someone is now CONCIOUSLY producing products with phony badly translated English instructions. Oh, the irony of it all!!

Well, I’m off to dance naked under the stars.

In case of an accident, plythee pillroller tuke order with.

YOUR PAL,

Ю僱êrvØ¡

Neon Sculpture of DRaftervoi, Wearing a Plate of Bratwurst

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