MOM'S TEN COMMANDMENTS OF SUMMER
An actual e-mail written to actual Tots during the actual Summer of '96
Subj: Summer Vacation
Date: 96-06-20 11:37:56 EDT
From: Mom
To: Daughter #1, Daughter #2, Son #Only
Good morning, my darling dears.
Fruit of my womb.
Twinkling lights of my life.
Welcome to Summer Vacation '96, and time once again for that beloved yearly ritual we like to call ..
*** MOM'S TEN COMMANDMENTS OF SUMMER *** Brought to you this year, for the first time ...
* Please note: these are not in any particular order ... except for Commandment #10, wherein Mom has saved The Most Important One For Last.*
Commandment #1: Thou Shalt Not Eat Everything In The Damn House.
Specific points to address here:
* Eleven meals a day may be considered excessive by some.
* Particularly if all eleven of them involve Cheese Whiz.
* DO NOT EAT EVERYTHING IN THE DAMN HOUSE.
* Here are some helpful guidelines.
* If it has a Post-it note on it saying "Do Not Touch" ... go ahead and eat it!
(Then run like hell when Dad gets home.)
* If it has green fuzzy stuff growing on it, go ahead and eat it.(Then call 911.)
* If it looks like potential Dinner Material, CALL MOM FIRST and CHECK. I MEAN IT. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
* If you do not in fact FINISH eating it, kindly either throw it in the fridge or the garbage. Do NOT leave it sitting on your bed for the next five and a half weeks.
* If the preparation and/or eating creates any sort of mess, GUESS WHO'S EXPECTED TO CLEAN IT UP IMMEDIATELY?
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
WRONG AGAIN.
There you go.
Commandment #2: Thou Shalt Do Thy Share Of The Housework Before ANY Fun Stuff *HAPPENS.*
Specific points to address here:
* Sweeping it into a corner doesn't count.
* Stuffing it under a sofa cushion doesn't count, either.
* Empty pop cans do NOT look particularly attractive in the living room window, thanks.
* I don't care if you pay each other to do each others' stuff. Just make sure it gets DONE.
* If MOM comes home one more time and finds "WELCOME TO HELL COME IN AND DIE" written in orange chalk on the back porch steps, she's going to start throwing stuff.
* If MOM comes home one more time when it's 74 degrees outside and finds every single window and door shut tight, she's going to start throwing stuff .. at YOU. Air it OUT, puh-leeeeeeeze!
* Sincere Moment: You guys have your own little housework system worked out and so far it seems to be working out pretty well. So far so good. Thanks. *
Commandment #3: Thou Shalt Leave Mom's Stuff The Hell Alone!!!
Specific points to address here:
* Mom is sick and tired of looking for her stuff and discovering that it is not where it's supposed to be / it's broken / it's empty / it's sans batteries / it's now sporting a "new look"
* STAY OUT OF MY STUFF.
* I MEAN IT.
* PERIOD!
* You have your OWN makeup / jewelry / CD's / pens / paperbacks / batteries / chainsaws / inflatable playthings.
* LEAVE MINE ALONE.
* NOTHING ELSE TO SAY!!
Commandment #4: Thou Shalt Be Considerate Of The Neighbors ... Even The Ones We Hate.
Specific points to address here:
* Pete, Betty, Don, et al prolly do NOT in fact care to hear ALL COOLIO : ALL THE TIME : ALL SUMMER.
* Nor should they be able to hear COOLIO over the sound of the LAWNMOWER. [SHEESH.]
* Nor do they in fact appreciate our basketballs in their zucchini garden / frisbees on their ROOF / knock-down drag-out-blood-curdling-SCREAM-fests in their ears.
Commandment #5: Thou Shalt Do Thy Own Laundry
Specific points to address here:
* We've lived here for six years now.* By this point you SHOULD be reasonably familiar with the laundry room.
* It's that room just off the kitchen.
* If you have trouble locating it, just look for MOM.
* MOM will prolly be there.
* Here's what MOM will be doing in the laundry room:
* Sitting with her feet up on her desk
* Talking to her friends on the 'puter
* Here's what MOM will NOT be doing:
YOUR LAUNDRY.
Running concurrently with the Laundry Issue is the TOWEL Issue.
* MOM should not have to wander around the house at 5:57 a.m. every morning, dripping wet, looking for a TOWEL.
* It starts MOM'S day off in a MOST unpleasant and dangerous fashion.
* Here's how MOM sees it:
* If you use a towel to, say, wash your hair .. for the third or fourth time that day ..
* .. she does not see why said TOWEL cannot be placed gently and reverently into THE DRYER after.
* It's not like you just got home from nine hours in the COAL MINE, forcryingoutloud.
* And that's how Mom sees it.
* She strongly suggests that that's how YOU see it also.
Commandment #6: Thou Shalt Keep Mom Informed Of Thy Social Plans
Specific points to address here :
* MOM likes your friends.
* She really really does.
* Sometimes she likes them better than she likes YOU.
* She never had to change THEIR diapers, for one thing.
* They have never barfed on her. (Except for that one time.)
* Also : they do not scrunch down in the car so no one will see them when MOM is driving them somewhere.
* Also : they do not walk ten feet behind MOM in the grocery store so no one will assume we're "together."
* But here's the thing: much as MOM likes your friends, she would like to be INFORMED ahead of time when they will be landing on our doorstep, whenever possible.
* I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHY. (Daughter #1 cringing in horror at the memory of DENNIS showing up at the laundry room door just as MOM was changing into something slightly less naked ..)
Running concurrently with the "Keeping MOM Informed" Issue is the "When Your Friends Are Here" Issue.
* A couple of overnights per week are fine.
* It's when they start moving FURNITURE in that MOM gets a little weirded-out.
* MOM also would prefer they not use the kitchen sink as an ashtray.
* MOM would also prefer that they pull up their GODDAMN PANTS once in awhile, but that's another issue entirely.
* Long and short of it here is :
* MOM gets to know where you are at all times.
* Why? you ask. Pick one:
A. Because she's the MOM.
B. Because she is marginally interested in your whereabouts.
C. Because she likes the feeling of power & control she has over you.
D. Because she wants to know when you're gonna be gone so she can read your diary some more.
E. Because she LOVES you.
F. All of the above.
Commandment #7: Thou Shalt Not Tie Up Both Phone Lines For Extended Periods Of Time.
Only one "issue" to address here :
* WHEN YOU TIE UP BOTH PHONE LINES IT BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE FOR MOM TO BOMBARD YOU WITH CEASELESS MINDLESS RIDICULOUS "JUST CHECKING IN" PHONE CALLS.
Commandment #9: Thou Shalt Not Spend All Of The Ice Cream Man Money In One Afternoon.
Specific points to address here:
* Yes I KNOW you've outgrown The Ice Cream Man.
* Yes I KNOW you wish I would stop referring to it as The Ice Cream Man Money.
* The Ice Cream Man Money is basically there for one reason.
* It's there for emergencies.
* Here's how MOM might define an emergency:
* You're halfway into making cookies and discover you're outta eggs ... or ...
* ... the newspaper dude shows up and wants to be paid RIGHT NOW or he's gonna start throwing our paper on the roof of the garage again ... or ...
* ... there is blood involved.
* Here is how MOM does NOT define an "emergency."
* You've heard rumors of an impending Doritos shortage.
And finally.
Commandment #10: Thou Shalt Make Every Attempt To Not In Fact Kill Each Other Totally Dead This Summer.
Specific points to address here:
* We're supposed to ... love each other and stuff.
* Not call each other "turd" and "ho."
* Not throw shoes or pinatas at each other.
* Not beat each other about the head with brooms.
* Not circulate embarrassing nude baby photos amongst each other's social acquaintances.
* Not call MOM at work on a minutely basis with ENTHRALLING reports of bloodshed and mayhem.
* We've gotten this far.
* We're all still in one piece.
* MOM would like to have GRANDCHILDREN someday.
* SOMEDAY!! NOT RIGHT AWAY!
* MOM would prefer that it not happen posthumously.
* So for the sake of MOM'S health and sanity ... MAKE AN EFFORT. Please?
* THANK YOU.
I love ya, ya little turds. Have a great summer vacation.
xoxoxoxoxo
MOM
b a c k t o g . h . i n d e x
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