September 20, 2005
In A *Nutshell*

I posted this message for the Notify List a few days ago, but someone suggested I post it here and in the guestbook, as well. Hope it helps explain this latest fall from the radar:

Hi everybody:

Thanks to everyone who has written, either by e-mail or by dropping a note in the guestbook.

This has been a tough summer, medically/emotionally/financially/all- kinds-of-different ways, and -- atypically for me -- I just haven't had the juice to write about it publicly. In a nutshell: I've had a LOT of difficulty with antidepressants. (But don't tell that wackjob Tom Cruise, OK? Puley has been enough of pain in the ass about it, as it is.) I started taking them in June, right about the time I lost my job, and I officially quit them this week. Yes, the meds stop me from weeping over McDonald's commercials and long grocery store lines ... but they do absolutely NOTHING for my ambition, my sense of personal growth, my relationships, my energy level, my creative drive. (Read any good *FootNotes* entries lately? Yeah, me neither.) In addition, there are other weirder/ickier side effects to the drugs that I don't want to talk about right now. (Let's just say that I spend more time in the bathroom, in the middle of the night, then I do in my own bed.)

For the first three months of my impromptu *summer vacation* I sat around in my Happy Pants all day and all night, numbly watching DVDs on my laptop. Eventually, two things happened: 1.) I calmed way the hell down, and 2.) I started to run out of money. Actually, THREE things happened, and this is probably the most important thing of all: 3.) I began to realize that *calm* and *well* are not necessarily the same thing. With that said, I am now in the process of weaning myself off most of the meds. Basically I am experiencing fullblown drug withdrawal ... not unlike the experience I went through eight years ago, when I decided to kick alcohol. I don't mind telling you that I'm pretty miserable physically ... but it's a miserable I can live with. David's here, and he's helping. My physician and I are going to continue to work together to find ways for me to deal with my depression without ADs, once I'm feeling better.  And in the meantime I'm job-hunting out the wazoo, since I REALLY NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK. (My first clue: I've actually broken down and started watching DAYTIME TV. Acck. My second clue: I have minus sixteen dollars in my checking account for the first time since The Tree House.)

The happy ending to all of this is that I feel like I'm on the right path after a very long summer of not even knowing how to get started. Once in a while someone signs the guestbook and informs me that I'm "obligated" to close down *FootNotes,* simply because I'm not writing regularly. This used to piss me off and/or hurt my feelings, but these days I just blow it off. It's not even worth responding to. I've been writing in a journal for forty years, with occasional starts and stops along the way. I expect that I will always come back, in one form or another ... but only when *I* am ready to. The people who love me understand that.

With all this said, I hope that you are all well and happy out there in Audience Land. I've missed you. I've especially worried about those of you affected by Katrina, and have followed your websites and listened to the news for signs of your progress and recovery. I look forward to talking to all you on a regular basis again very soon, through this website, and in the meantime please feel free to drop me a note in my e-mailbox if you feel so inclined. You've always been the fuel that keeps the *FootNotes* engine running, and I thank you for that.

Sincerely,

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