~ MEMORANDUM ~
Welcome back from
I think I speak for the
entire Totem Pole Company when I say that we all hope you've enjoyed
your vacation as much as WE have enjoyed your
By now you've probably
heard that your Right-Hand-Guy in Southern CA suddenly resigned. So did
your Office Manager in San Diego. So did the Corporate MIS Director.
(So did the receptionist, here in Oakland ... although that's more a
case of somebody calling in "sick" for twenty-one days in a row.)
There have, however,
been a handful of corporate developments I feel you should be made
aware of right away. Below I have outlined some of the more critical
issues, as *I* see them:
- While you were
gone we had the lobby painted, per your request.
The color we finally
settled on is called "Slate Blue." I realize that it's
probably a little more blue-gray than the gray-blue you requested ...
but it was the closest match to the swizzle stick you left for us to
use as a "color sample."
(Just to be on the safe
side, however, we have also purchased twenty gallons each of "Dove
Gray," "Sky Blue," "Sky-Dove Blue-Gray," "Blue Doves in Gray Sky at
Dawn," and "White." The painters have already been told to come back on
- The company
newsletter went out yesterday.
We think it looks
pretty terrific: lots of New Employee Profiles, lots of interesting
project articles, lots of *Don't Forget To Vote!* reminders.
Sadly, we were not able
to incorporate your exciting feature on 'Offset Barrier Type-Y
Crossings With Signalized Crosswalk Indicators' in this edition. Also,
without you here to provide your usual crackerjack editorial and
proofreading support, we've probably used more actual punctuation
than you are comfy with.
(What can I tell you?
When the cat's away ... the mice will semi-colon.)
- The Totem Pole
Company Picnic was cancelled.
That's the bad news.
The official reason was
"weather." The unofficial
reason was a lack of employee response: we
weren't sure whether to buy hot dogs for sixty, or filet mignon for
(The good news is that
we're already getting an AMAZING response on the
Christmas party invitations!! At this rate, you're gonna have enough
people for Twister!)
- We have
officially switched from Peet's to a generic brand of coffee in the
Totem Pole Company lunchroom.
This was an Accounting
Department decision, apparently. It was not routed
through proper corporate channels (read this: they didn't ask *me*
first); clearly was a decision based on economics, not employee
preference (read this: they didn't ask *me* first). While I can
understand Stan's reluctance to continue spending $600 a month on
coffee, this new stuff looks -- and tastes -- like potting soil.
I would like to
respectfully request a re-vote when you get back.
- We have
officially switched from Puff's-Plus
Incredibly-Soft Aloe-Enhanced Facial Tissue,
to 100% Recycled/Stock White Facial Sandpaper.
(Can we talk before the
Accounting Department makes a "decision" on toilet paper? Please??)
- I may have
accidentally been a teeny-tiny bit rude to the Mayor of Oakland on the
phone last week.
I figure you'd probably
better hear about this one from me directly.
In my own defense, I
would like to point out that I usually talk to one of the Mayor's
snotty young assistants, not to the actual Mayor himself. (They always
call me "Ma'am." Grrrrrr.) I would further like to point out
I realized who I was speaking to -- that I was talking to His Royal
Grooviness himself, and not one of his unctuous underlings -- I
resisted the urge to beg him to reconcile with Linda.
I also did not call him
(I also did not ask him
what the fudk is up with those white collarless shirts. He looks like
PASTOR WHEATLEY, forcryingoutloud.)
- Per your
request, I have placed doctor/dental appointments on your calendar as
- Flex Sigmoid Guy
- Internal Medicine Guy
- "Skin Doctor" (mole)
- Neurologist (sleep
- Orthopedic Surgeon
- Allergist (prescription
- Opthalmologist (a.m.)
- Dental Implant
- "Scalp Doctor"
- Endodontist (just for
That should take care
of your first week back.
Let me know if you've
brought home any interesting diseases from Australia, OK?
- My office has
been transformed into a *hub* for effective corporate communication.
While you were gone I
completely restructured my office, beginning with the creation of a new
and improved central filing system. Using my existing file cabinets,
plus extra filing space allocated to me in the corporate library next
door to my office, I designed and built a system to track, collate,
archive and efficiently store all project files, correspondence,
reports, and business and personal records. In addition, my existing
files were updated: documents and records dated prior to 1998 were
carefully outsourced to the Totem Pole Company storage facility
downstairs, while documents dated prior to 1990 were minimized and
remoleculed. My office furniture was rearranged to provide optimum
efficiency, safety and ergonomic comfort ... my desktop was streamlined
... my computer files were compacted ... my carpet was shampooed ...
AND I have a groovy new mousepad with little smiley faces all over it.
Your office, on the
other hand, looks exactly the way it did when you left. Plus I think
your dwarf schleffera is dead. Sorry.
Again ... welcome back,
Franz. I can truthfully say that everyone here at the Totem Pole
Company is just as excited about your return as *I* am.
P.S. On a personal note
... I'm fine. Thank you for asking. No, I'm not married yet. No, I'm
not engaged yet, either. (I sort of thought I might
be by now, with the two-year anniversary and all ... but you know how
it goes.) Yes, I received your condolence voicemail: thank you. My
daughter is fine, and we appreciate the fact that you were thinking of
us. No, I did not receive your postcard from Sydney. (Although if you
put a stamp on it this time, it might get here before Christmas.)
The VP of BFD
The Human Resources
Jo Ann Valdez