May 5, 2000


He's making me crazy, Dear Readers.

Little by little, hour by hour, I feel the last of my precious *sanity molecules* draining out of me, like Coca-Cola dribbling from an upended soda bottle into the sand.  It's all that twitchy nervous energy. His narrow mental focus. The one-sided "conversations." The long hours. The late nights.

The mad gleam in his eye.

And it's our diametrically-opposed biorhythmic schedules: the way he zigs when I zag, walks when I run, crashes while I burn.

It's also the frustrating sense I get that even when he's listening, he isn't actually hearing me.

Plus it's the fact that I haven't seen him naked in four days.

(Hey!  I'm talking about DAVID here!!  Who the heck did you think I was talking about??)

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Do not misinterpret.  I love David.  I really, really do. He is my life partner, and I am totally committed to him and to our life together, and I am sincere when I tell you that he is the best person I know, and that I fully support him in all of his creative endeavors.

No matter how stoopid they are.

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He is still so wound-up over this whole AOL Host/Message Boards *crisis* -- which, yes, is still droning endlessly on and on, like a Celine Dion concert, in a K-Mart parking lot, in the rain -- that it's like living with a stranger.

A cute, obsessed, fanatical, semi-deranged stranger who types really really really fast.

It is ALL he talks about at the moment.  It is all he thinks about, or writes about.  I suspect it would be all he would dream about, too, if he were actually (Last night he burst into the bedroom at 11:15 p.m. -- wrenching me out of a deep, Alka-Seltzer-Plus-induced coma -- to joyously announce that he'd just been awarded his very first AOL Terms of Service violation. Sigh.)sleeping.  And yes, he's back to posting on the AOL message boards again. When I was stuck at home last week with the distended-lymph-gland stuff, he had just exited the message boards in a blaze of righteous glory ("I will not return until the hosts are gone").  The next thing I know, he's right back to dueling with the power-mad gaggle of new AOL "Hosties," right there on the old boards.

The hosts pull his posts almost as fast as he can type them (which, of course, is filling him a perverse joy: he damn near had an orgasm when they TOS'd him last night), but he continues to crank them out ... wonderful little masterpieces of scorn and outrage, fueled by his amazing encyclopedic brain and embellished with his unmistakeable Ю僱êrvØ¡ sense of the absurd.

This is my personal favorite so far, written in disgusted response to the most punctuation-challenged of the bunch:

Subject: Re: Amazing......
Date: 05/04/2000 1:50 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: DRaftervoi

>>> Yanno we cant all be as perfect as you ... and yanno I just dont think I want to be that perfect that I have to show others fault so I will feel supierior but you carry on sugah!!<<<

1.   There is no such word as "yanno."
2.  "Cant" is spelled with an apostrophe.
3.   So is "dont."
4.  "Supierior" is spelled "superior."
5.  "Sugah" is an insult unless you know the person and are close friends.
6.   Your sentence structure and grammatical usage are painful to read. Please make some vague attempt at using proper punctuation.

Of course the real issue here isn't grammar, or spelling, or punctuation, or even the ability to construct a sentence that doesn't make your readers instantly want to kill you totally dead.    <--- like that one

The "real issue" isn't one of free speech, either ... or censorship, or racism, or cyber territorialism, or the right of a group of adult AOL customers to maintain a bulletin board without a lot of high-handed, functionally-illiterate nouveau AOL "Hosts" instructing them to say "doo-doo" instead of "shit."

It doesn't even matter that I think David is dead on the money here.

The real issue here is that The Other 50% of the Population is so bull-goose loony over this Message Board stuff that he isn't paying enough attention to the really important stuff.

Like me.

And that is what's making me crazy. Yanno?

throw a rock