May 4, 2007
How The Hell Can My Baby Be 21 Years Old?!?

"  ...  The other night I sat on the sofa, giving Kyle his bottle and listening to music on my new tape player, through headphones.  Earlier in the day I had taped a couple of songs off the radio, and as Kylie happily sucked away at his bottle, one of them began to play  --  Pink Floyd's "Mother":

Hush now, baby baby don't you cry
Mama's gonna make all your nightmares come true
Mama's gonna put all her fears into you
Mama's gonna keep you here under her wing
She won't let you fly but she might let you sing
Mama's gonna keep Baby cozy and warm ...
... Hush, Mama's gonna help build the wall ...

All of a sudden, sitting there holding my tiny baby son  --  his blue eyes fastened to mine  --  the words of the song pierced my heart like a bullet.  By the time the song was over, I was in tears.  I stood by the living room window, rocking Kylie in my arms and weeping uncontrollably.  It was just this incredibly poignant, private, touching moment  ...  I can't even explain it.  It was as though I had just realized, for the first time, that I'm now the mother of a son, and that someday he'll grow up to be a man, and that I'm responsible for getting him there in one piece.  I thought about all the women who have lost sons in war.  Dear God, how do they ever survive the loss??  I thought about all the pain that lies ahead for my son, and for me.  It terrifies me.  It is so much responsibility.  Can I handle it?  Will Kyle be OK?  Or will I indeed "put all of my fears into him"?  Lord, please help me be a strong, responsible, good mother to the baby.  He is so small and so dependent on me.  Don't let me mess him up  ... "

~ May 23, 1986, Journal 39

I love you, Boo Head!

Memorable *Kyle* Entries

first haircut
son #only
the backpack
it was twenty years ago (finale)
stranger in the house
snot and goo
sneaking up on me
birthday boy
i'm here if you need me

Slideshow *currently showing* HERE
(Secra's MySpace page)

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[insert obligatory parental caution against drinking and driving here]