March 14, 2000
Memo To The Airlines


Attention all major U.S. airlines ... especially those airlines which routinely fly between the Bay Area and TicTac:

If it's not too much trouble, would it be possible for you to hold off on any mechanical maybe the chicken caesar would've been okfailures, bomb scares, baggage handler walkouts, terrorist threats, job actions, unscheduled thirteen hour pitstops in St. Louis (shudder), E. coli outbreaks, gremlins on the wing, fuel leaks, orgasmic women shampooing their hair in the lavatory, car accidents, cabin fires, traffic controller meltdowns, birds in the engine and/or flaming nosedives into the Pacific Ocean, for the next ten days or so?

(And if you can't hold off entirely ... can you at least keep this sort of stuff out of the news for a few days? Just till I make it back safely from TicTac, next Tuesday night?)

Thank you.

Your timid flyer friend,

P.S. While I've got your attention ... can you serve those little Italian pesto sandwiches for the in-flight snack? I really REALLY hate the Chicken Caesar Salad. I can never get the cellophane bag open, for one thing.  And the "chicken" tastes like pencil erasers.

Thanks again.