Throw the slightly stale rounds of french bread into a 300° oven for a few minutes, just until the bread finishes drying out and the rounds become hard and crunchy.

Meanwhile, dump tomato chunks, green onions, crushed garlic, basil, vinegar, olive oil and salt & pepper into large pink Corningware bowl. Mix very well and cover. Let stand for the first half hour of "Cops."

Arrange toast rounds on plate. Unplug the phone, turn off the computer, close the curtains and make sure the front door is locked. Carry the plate, along with the bowl of Bruschetta mix, some chunks of Feta cheese, two spoons, two tablecloth-size cloth napkins, a laptop computer, a couple of Extra-Strength Pamprin, a bottle of Kwencher Orange Creme-Sicle Water, a Rickenbacker 480, and an armload of library books, guitar magazines and new CD's [purchased earlier that day at Amoeba Records in Berkeley] to the bedroom.

Remove all unnecessary clothing items. [Read this: anything containing elastic, buttons, snaps and/or fabric.]

Spread out on top of the bed. Drizzle olive oil and smoosh Feta cheese onto toast round; heap a giant spoonful of Bruschetta mixture on top. Eat. Dribble. Enjoy.

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