January 10, 2002
Flushing Secra

SecraTerri@ aol.com Has Mail.

As a matter of fact, SecraTerri has 147 unread e-mails languishing in her AOL mailbox at the moment. Some of them sound pretty darned critical, too.

"I haven't heard form you in a wile," bemoans margo@hotmail.com, while POOHBEAR112289 cuts right to the chase with "why won't you answer me?"  

SNOOKZ101 is a little less confrontational: he just wants to say "Sorry bout that."  (That's OK, SNOOKZ: send me a CDNow gift certificate and all will be forgiven.) 

Meanwhile, uhotboyqz2e@hotmail.com urgently needs SecraTerri's assistance. "Is this Jasons addres???" his Subject Title screams. Secra fervently hopes that the missing "Jason" isn't uhotboy's long-lost dad or his kidney donor or his typing teacher or something: it sounds like uhotboy needs all the help he can get.

There is opportunity galore in SecraTerri's mailbox: home loans, credit repair, the ubiquitous penis enlargers, Viagra for women, instant weight loss plans, bridal stuff (left over from last year, no doubt), dating services, prescription drugs without a prescription, hair loss treatments, free tax advice, ways to earn money from home.

The invitations to view porn sites are well represented, of course. The most vile of the bunch: Scribe324 inviting SecraTerri to watch INCEST..See Dad And Daughter Go At It.

Here is what all of these messages have in common:

  • They have all landed in SecraTerri's AOL mailbox in the ten days since she lifted her Mail Controls, as a *favor* to her pal EdmundKaz.
  • Not a single one of them is a personal message from a friend or acquaintance.
  • Not a single one of them will still be in SecraTerri's mailbox tomorrow.

In fact, SecraTerri is going to go straight home from work tonight and flush all 147 unread messages (plus any that have arrived today while she's been at work) down the cyber john. She'll probably have to flush two or three times, just to get rid of all the lingering *crap molecules* still floating around at the top of the bowl. When she's finished flushing, she's going to hose down her mailbox, spray it liberally with disinfectant, and set out little Glade Air Fresheners all over the place.

And then she's going to slap the goddamn MAIL CONTROLS back on her e-mail account.

She'll sit in front of her computer tonight and painstakingly type in the list of familiar screen names and e-mail addresses: family, friends, Grillaz, Bobos, Boomers, former co-workers, former classmates, former neighbors, former lovers, former cyber rivals. (Might as well keep things interesting.)  There will undoubtedly be oversights  --  she's working mostly from memory and five-year-old Buddy Lists  --  but SecraTerri hopes that anybody who really wants/needs/is determined to get hold of her knows enough to write to her at her incredibly groovy Internet address. Once the friendly names are entered into the "Allowed To Live" column, the Mail Controls will slam down once again on her e-mailbox, like security gates slamming down on the hood of an unauthorized vehicle. From this point forward, whenever SecraTerri signs onto the AOL account she has maintained and loved since August 1995  --  which, lately, isn't very often: mostly she just signs on to tinker with her profile and annoy the Tots  --  she can be assured that the only mail waiting for her will be mail she actually wants to read. 

(Or at least mail that doesn't make her want to run and antibacterialize her eyeballs immediately after she opens her mailbox.)

Finally, when SecraTerri has finished flushing and disinfecting and tweaking and twiddling and erecting the latest set of self-protective barriers, she's going to take a good long look at the $4.95 she's still shelling out every month, just to keep a screen name alive ... and she's going to decide whether or not it's still worth it.

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© secraterri 1998-2002
all rights reversed reserved!
comments/questions/spelling corrections HERE
~ nil bastardum carborundum ~

not to be confused, mind you, with the
EXTREMELY WELCOME [if as-yet unanswered] e-mails
sitting in secra@secraterri's e-mailbox.
we're talking two completely different e-mail situations.