January 1, 2005
Resolved [Vers. 2005]

 

• I resolve to sleep in my makeup every night.

• I resolve to skip the sunscreen every morning, and then to complain about how "wrinkly" I'm starting to look, especially around my eyes and my mouth.
  

• I resolve to let my husband do all of the laundry and housework around our apartment, and then to gripe because he doesn't do it as well as *I* would do it.
  

• I resolve to chew with my mouth open, especially in public.
  

• I resolve to treat my adult children as though they're still helpless, incompetent infants in need of my constant supervision and unsolicited advice.  [And my credit card.]
  

• I resolve to completely ignore my website for months at a time.  [Then I resolve to feel all sad and neglected whenever I check my guestbook and there are no new entries  ...   not even a non-comment from that ridiculous Muugu creature who goes around the Internet dropping creepy indiscriminate gibberish into guestbooks worldwide.]
  

• I resolve to wear nothing but pale yellow and moss green.
  

• I resolve to read the first fourteen pages of "The Poisonwood Bible" again.  [Then I resolve to go back to using the book as a doorstop.]
  

• I resolve to leave my dirty towels in a wet messy heap on the bathroom floor. 
  

• I resolve to take my sobriety for granted. 
  

• I resolve to hate my job unreasonably, even though I have a lovely boss who sends me home when I've got an infected ingrown toenail ... I'm being paid tons of money to listen to the radio and eat Wheat Thins all day, basically ... AND my office is within walking distance of Sears and a decent drugstore.
  

• I resolve to appreciate Bob Dylan as The Voice of a Generation [and to quit referring to him as A Goat Stuck In A Fence].
  

• I resolve to sew loose buttons back onto the garment as soon as they fall off.
  

• I resolve to pay attention when David starts yammering on and on about X dividends again.  [Or at least make it LOOK like I'm paying attention.]
  

• I resolve to cancel my subscription to "US Weekly," and switch to "US News & World Report."
  

• I resolve to get all pissy whenever someone calls me "Ma'am."
  

• I resolve to max out my one viable credit card, preferably before the end of January [and preferably on eBay, buying Pop Tops albums and forty dollar bottles of shampoo]  ...  and then I resolve to immediately apply for ten NEW credit cards, just to take up the slack in my wallet. 
  

• I resolve to skip breakfast and lunch every day  ...  to snack on fruit roll-ups and stale M&M's every afternoon  ...  to eat third helpings of instant mashed potatoes at dinner every evening  ...  and to eat cookies and See's Chocolates and massive bowls of Cocoa Puffs until bedtime every night.
  

• I resolve to say "No thanks" whenever Norton offers to automatically update my virus protection software.
  

• I resolve to be snotty and dismissive toward waitresses, store clerks, "Customer Care Representatives" and Jehovah's Witnesses.
  

• I resolve to use my bicycle as the world's most expensive coat rack. 
  

• I resolve to forget FifiOToole's birthday again this year. [And MsBobo's birthday, and Bottlenekk's birthday, and my father-in-law's birthday  ...  and basically any birthday that doesn't involve shared DNA.]
  

• I resolve to spend my lunch hour watching old episodes of "Freaks & Geeks" on my laptop, instead of doing something constructive like writing in my journal or composing a *FootNotes* entry.
  

• I resolve to spend my evenings watching old episodes of "Dallas" on my laptop, instead of doing something constructive like enjoying an i.m. conversation with my children or adding photos to a *FootNotes* entry.
  

• I resolve to spend my weekends watching old episodes of "Sex & The City" on my laptop, instead of doing something constructive like answering my e-mail or uploading a finished *FootNotes* entry.
  

• I resolve to ride when I can walk  ...   to procrastinate when I can just get it over with  ...  to complain when I can take action ...  to see the glass as half-empty when I can see it as damn near overflowing.
  

• And finally: I resolve to break every single one of my resolutions  ...  as always.
  

Happy New Year, everybody!

     

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