Resolved (Vers. 2005)
I resolve to sleep in my makeup every night.
- I resolve to skip the sunscreen every morning,
and then to complain about how "wrinkly" I'm starting to
look, especially around my eyes and my mouth.
- I resolve to let my husband do all of the
laundry and housework around our apartment, and then to gripe because
he doesn't do it as well as *I* would do it.
- I resolve to chew with my mouth open,
especially in public.
- I resolve to treat my adult children as though
they're still helpless, incompetent infants in need of my
constant supervision and unsolicited advice.
- I resolve to completely ignore my website
for months at a time. (Then I resolve to
feel all sad and neglected whenever I check
my guestbook and there are no new messages.)
- I resolve to wear nothing but pale yellow and
- I resolve to read the first fourteen pages of
"The Poisonwood Bible" again. (Then I resolve to go
back to using the book as a doorstop.)
- I resolve to leave my dirty towels in a wet messy
heap on the bathroom floor.
- I resolve to take my sobriety for
- I resolve to hate my job unreasonably, even
though I have a lovely boss who sends me home when I've got an
infected ingrown toenail, I'm being paid tons of money
to listen to the radio and eat Wheat Thins all day,
and my office is within walking distance of Sears.
- I resolve to appreciate Bob Dylan as
The Voice of a Generation (and to quit saying he sounds like "a goat
stuck in a fence").
- I resolve to sew loose buttons back onto
the garment as soon as they fall off.
- I resolve to pay attention
when David starts yammering on
and on about X dividends again. (Or at
least make it LOOK like I'm paying attention.)
- I resolve to cancel my subscription to "US
Weekly" and switch to "US News & World
- I resolve to get all pissy whenever someone
calls me "Ma'am."
- I resolve to max out my one
card, preferably before the end of January (and preferably on
eBay, buying Pop Tops albums and $40 bottles of
shampoo), and then I resolve to immediately apply for ten NEW
cards, just to take up the slack in my wallet.
- I resolve to skip breakfast and
day ... to snack on fruit
roll-ups and stale
M&M's every afternoon ... and
to eat third
helpings of instant mashed potatoes at dinner every
- I resolve to say "No thanks" whenever Norton
offers to automatically update my virus protection software.
- I resolve to be snotty and dismissive toward
waitresses, store clerks, "Customer Care
Representatives" and Jehovah's Witnesses.
- I resolve to use my bicycle as the
world's most expensive coat rack.
- I resolve to forget FifiOToole's birthday again
this year. (And MsBobo's birthday, and Bottlenekk's birthday,
and my father-in-law's birthday ... and basically any
birthday that doesn't involve shared DNA.)
- I resolve to spend my lunch hour watching old
of "Freaks & Geeks" on my laptop, instead of doing something
constructive like writing in my journal or composing a *FootNotes*
- I resolve to spend my evenings watching old
episodes of "Dallas" on my laptop, instead of doing something
constructive like enjoying an i.m. conversation with my
children or adding photos to a *FootNotes* entry.
- I resolve to spend my weekends watching old
episodes of "Sex & The City" on my laptop, instead of doing
something constructive like answering my e-mail or uploading a finished
- I resolve to ride when I can walk
... to procrastinate when I
can just get it over with ... to complain
when I can take action ... to see the glass
as half-empty when I can see it as damn near overflowing.
- And finally: I resolve to break every
single one of my resolutions. But that goes without saying.
Happy New Year, everybody!
to throw a rock?