Oz : "I was wondering how many of you believe in conspiracy theories."
I was flappin' my jaw with a co-worker the other day, who was explaining to me that "The Doctors" have ALREADY cured cancer, but won't release their miracle cure to the public because the medical industry makes too much money off of our dying. I asked, "Do you actually believe that a doctor would allow their own child, their own husband or wife, or their own mother to die without revealing that they could save their lives? Do you really believe that doctors, every single last one of them on the planet, are that venal?"
The answer, of course, was "yes."
As with most conspiracy theories, you have to believe that tens of thousands (in this case, hundreds of thousands) of people know a secret, and tell no one outside of the conspiracy about it, ever. You also have to believe that some mook who lives in a trailer with trout decals on the windows has managed to penetrate an intricate web of silence and conspiracy and arrive at THE TRUTH; a Truth, unfortunately, that you are going to have to hear about again and again and again.
As an alcoholic drug addict, many are the times I've had to sit in some crappy abattoir of a drinking establishment while some pissant pal of mine "documented" how Clinton or Reagan or bleedin' Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen corpse or the Masons or the Teamsters are responsible for everything bad that has ever happened in history, and even more importantly, how they're responsible for everything BAD that has happened to my good buddy. This usually ends with a gun being pulled and us being asked to leave, but hey, that's life on the other side of the tracks.
Having a good conspiracy theory allows you to blame mysterious outside forces for your own lack of material or intellectual success, and at the very same time elevates you into being the Chosen One, the Bringer of Light, the Prometheus descending from Olympus with the Flame of Truth for the rest of us, the blind little ignorant masses scurrying around in the darkness of ignorance.
I, of course, am ready at a moment's notice to jump up on a soapbox, and harangue a crowd of strangers with whatever pet peeve that's pissin' me off. A tip: find a crowd stuck waiting for public transportation, such as a bus or a train. They'll HAVE to stick around to listen to you. Spit when you talk, too. It adds a touch of righteous vehemence.
Here's mine:
I, of course, think think think think THINK (you can just hear me winding up here, getting a lungful of air and a head of steam, can't you?) that THINGS IN AMERICA HAVE BEEN GOING TO HELL EVER SINCE THE ALIENS SHOT DOWN THE LZ-129 HINDENBURG. THE IGNORANT MASSES BELIEVE THAT IT WAS DUE TO AN ATMOSPHERICALLY GENERATED STATIC ELECTRICAL DISCHARGE TOUCHING OFF A LEAKY HYDROGEN CELL OR HYDROGEN VENTING SHAFT IN THE STARBOARD AFT SIDE OF THE AIRSHIP, COMPOUNDED BY THE FLAMMABLE DOPING COMPOUND CONTAINING CELLULOSE BUTYLRATE ACETATE, IRON OXIDE, AND ALUMINUM POWDER. YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE AVERAGE MISTER AND MRS. JOE PUBLIC THINK! WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE! I'M TELLING YOU THAT THE HINDENBURG WAS SHOT DOWN BY A SPACECRAFT FROM ANOTHER PLANET, AND THAT WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING! ALMOST ALL AIRCRAFT THAT GO DOWN HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN BY ALIEN SPACECRAFT! DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK LIBYANS ARE SMART ENOUGH TO MAKE BOMBS AND GET THEM THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY! NO! NEVER! SEE?! I'M RIGHT! LOCKERBIE, SCOTLAND: MORE ALIEN ATTACKS ON OUR AIRPLANES! WHY HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF THIS? THE AIRLINES DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW! THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW! THE MEDIA MAKES A LOT OF MONEY OFF OF AIRLINE ADVERTISING, SO THE NEWSPAPERS AND THE RADIO AND THE TELEVISION THEY'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, TRYING TO KEEP THE TRUTH FROM YOU! AND WHY? MONEY! THEY'RE ALL GREEDY! AND RICH! DON'T TRUST THEM! BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH! I HAVE PICTURES! DOCUMENTATION! ACTUAL EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY OF PEOPLE WHO KNEW SOMEONE WHO SAYS THEY WERE THERE! LOOK CAREFULLY AT YOUR LED ZEPPELIN ALBUM COVER, THE ONE WITH THE PICTURE OF THE ZEP IN FLAMES! THEY HAVE EVIDENCE OF THE ALIEN ATTACK! CLUES!
ЮªƒTêrv°Ï: Here they come...the new Futuramics!