Cast of Characters

It's my party, and I'll act all cranky and self-absorbed if I want to.

Юªft+êrv°Ï ... aka David.
Friend, riding partner, sobriety coach, husband. Pretty soon you'll be dreaming about him, too.

Daughter #1... aka Jaymi.

It says "Jamie" on her birth certificate. (I should know: *I* was there.)

Daughter #2 ... aka Kacie.
This is the Tot responsible for 99.9% of my gray hair.

Son #Only ... aka Kyle.

Here's the other .1%.

Colonel Sanders.
He's the closest thing I've got to a neighborhood drug pusher these days.

My mom ... aka "Mom."
I still want to be just like her when I grow up.

My dad ... aka "Dad."
He's given me away twice already. We're all sort of hoping he doesn't have to do it a third time.

Matt Lauer.
Do you think he's over me yet?

Vince ... aka My Mother's Life Partner.
Look up the word "gentleman" in the dictionary and you'll see THIS guy's picture.

Celine Dion.
The Evil One. The Anti-Diva. Polluter of Airwaves. Defiler of Eardrums. 

He never calls, he never writes, he blew off my wedding, and by now he's probably thrown away that lock of hair I sent him in 1996 ... but I still consider him the best friend I ever had.

"Secra," she used to say to me as she was braiding my hair for school in the mornings, "If you want to GET e-mail, you have to WRITE e-mail, forcryingoutloud." It's a lesson I've never forgotten.

Forty minutes of bike-riding with Bev is totally worth four hours of driving, an $80 motel room and possible pneumonia. Honestly. It is.

The World's Cutest Nephew.
His mom doesn't exactly suck, either.

Cranky Denver Lady.
She thinks that *FootNotes* is a bunch of sick, blasphemous, self-indulgent garbage ... and she reads it every single day just to make sure it stays that way.

She took the photo that started it all.

The Ex Files.
Former Significant Others (including The AH, The Doc, The Balding Aluminum Sales Guy, The Oregon Boyfiend, ad nauseum). Once integral to the plot development around here  ...   now relegated to an occasional cameo appearance whenever another 'anniversary' rolls around.

The Happy Panda Toaster.
It cost an arm and a leg, it took up way too much counter space, it made crappy toast ... plus it was getting more fan mail than *I* was. We had no choice but to kill it.

Earl Peterson, Michigan's Singing Cowboy.
In the words of the immortal Earl Peterson, Michigan's Singing Cowboy: "You're so funny. WE'RE so funny. Life for us is one big CAPER."


* FifiOToole
* The FGOB 
* Franz
* Upstairs Neighbor Guy
* Jesus H. Christ
* Ludmilla, The Customer Satisfaction Facilitator at Ultra-Snooty Bridal Fashions
* The Main Nerdy Geotech Guy
* The Ugly Pink Stove
* Jolene
* Banal Boy
* Dad & Valerie
* The VP of BFD
* The Good Morning People
* Wanda Pike
* Roy Orbison [when he isn't busy being dead]
* The Office Gossip
* Hot Violet
* Car Alarm Guy
* Alex
* Jeff Probst's dimples
* Grandpa Ted
* The Bad Angel Sitting on My Left Shoulder
* Jolene
* The King County Library System
* Master P Ghetto D
* Schmidty
* Caspar Mouse
* Alice in Chains
* Lorenzo Lamas
* Smrtflmkr
* J.P. Patches
* Bob The Engineer Guy
* Bob The Other Engineer Guy
* Brevity Grrl
* Bottlenekk Raoul
* Tone-Deaf Karaoke Girl
* Jill Sobule
* Sister Belle
* The Talking Birds ["We saw her VOMIT out the WINDOW, forcryingoutloud!"]
* My new in-laws, Mr. & Mrs. Юªft+êrv°Ï
* Bitter Hag
* Graham
* Gary
* Go See France
* J.R.R. Tolkien
* Frank Lee Peking
* The Sunset Junior High School Pep Club Officers Staff, 1972-73
* Steve Rappaport (aka The Martian Hop Guy)
* OldeRocker & Ozarktalk
* My groovy Uncle Jerry
* My equally groovy Aunt Jody
* Roelof
* Sunny
* Clarence Trepanier
* ZORK666
* Translator
* Next-Door Neighbor Dog
* Brucie
* Alameda Pizza
* Amoeba Records
* Mr. Gallagher
* The Relatives Who Hate Me
* Bob "The Voice of a Generation" Dylan
* The Human Resources Director Person
* Htl Sales & Snak-Not-"Snake"-Bear
* Pere Ubu
* Tommy
* The Northern California Journalers
* The Constipated Little Accounting Manager
* Kevin Lanning
* Penelope Houston
* The Main Marketing Guy
* Mother Nature [the wedding-crashing bitch]
* Courtney Bombeck

... and a cast of BAZILLIONS!

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