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Date:     Fri, Jul 26, 1996 4:05 PM EDT

From:    SecraTerri

Subj:      yeahsohereitistakeitorleaveit

To:         Bottlenekk, FifiOToole, Edmundkaz

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Amelia!" Peking cried.

"Wanda!" Huge Tony gasped.

"SIS?" Courtney Bombeck squealed.

"DADDY!" Caspar Mouse shouted, seriously confused as always ...

 

Courtney and Caspar, having nothing else to do that evening, had elected to attend the Cub Scout Pancake Supper & Bingo Extravaganza (entertainment provided by Little David Wilkins, MCA Records' brightest young star).

"Is there anything more exciting than bingo in a church basement?" Caspar said happily, gazing around the room.

Wall to wall SMOKE ...

A menopausal widow, Dabolinkx in hand, anxiously pulling on a Raleigh,bellowing "SPECIAL! OVER HERE!" ...

Pimply men of questionable sexuality, with unwashed hair and shiny sportshirts, obliquely revealing a black mesh T-shirt underneath ...

("Hey wait a minute!" Caspar sputtered indignantly. "That guy's wearin' MY SHIRT!")

MORE SMOKE.

"Yeah, what the hell ISN'T there to adore about it?" Courtney growled.

The truth is that Courtney had serious misgivings about being seen in public with Caspar. Sure, he smelled great. Sure, he had thirty two bucks.

 

**** Brief Psychic Interlude****

("Thirty one dollars and ninety cents," interjects Caspar telepathically. "I bought a candy bar at Traiyer Town.")

("A candy bar? For ten cents? In 1996?!" shrieks Courtney in disbelief.)

("Yeah, well, Traiyer Town was running a sale" Caspar explains.)

**** Brief Psychic Interlude Concludes****

 

Nonetheless, Caspar was likely the most utterly banal human being Courtney had ever encountered in her thirty seven years on the planet. Banality oozed from his every pore ... and what was worse, he was constantly wiping it off on the leg of his bell bottoms whenever he thought no one was looking.

But she was a major Little David Wilkins fan and felt it was worth risking public humiliation in order to see her personal god perform live in concert.

She had Little David's eponymous first album and had played it constantly until it was slick. Now she hoped for the opportunity to realize a lifelong dream by throwing an undergarment onto Little David's face, preferably while he was singing her favorite Little David song of all time, "Whoever Turned You On Forgot To Turn You Off."

Caspar & Courtney walked towards the only vacant folding table, located next to the battered papier mache manger which served as centerpiece for the annual Our Lady of Traiyer Town's production of "Nativity!" (Starring Antonio Banderas!).

Courtney took a moment to demurely wipe the steaming dollop of Aunt Jemima from the table and spray the folding chair with Lysol Disinfectant Spray.

"Ya never know who's been sitting here," she muttered tersely. "Or what they've been DOING."

Caspar, somewhat less fastidious in nature, plunked into the chair without precaution and sat directly atop a stack of half-eaten buckwheat pancakes: they molded to his butt like a three day old diaper, only somewhat less aromatic. Courtney took notice of this with some degree of revulsion, and was just about to mention it to him when she caught sight of Frank Lee sitting severable tables away, engrossed in conversation with the ugliest Cub Scout she had ever seen.

"Oh my god," she whispered, slinking deeply into her chair and covering her face with a bingo card. "I can't let him see me here with .. with .."

But Caspar had vanished!

And at that very moment ...

... a roar erupted in the back of the club and moved to the front like a giant tidal wave.

Little David was coming!

Courtney forgot all about Frank Lee, about Caspar, about anything in the world except the approach of MCA Records' brightest young star.

Very slowly he moved as the anxious fans reached out to touch him, to shake his hand, to whisper a request and to instruct him to 'get on with it.'

Courtney shivered in anticipation, biding her time until the moment was right.

Suddenly Little David hit the stage and bounced on his piano stool. Then in a flash, this entertainer of king size talent, turned what had been a smooth row of ivory into a torrid storm of musical passion. The storm stirred the crowd even more and stimulated a hunger he was feeding. The more the crowd responded, the harder David worked for them. It was music in motion, passion in fury, and it was beautiful.

Courtney sat at her table and wept with joy.

He sang ALL of her favorites.

"Georgia Keeps Pulling On My Ring"

"Butterbeans"

"Makin' Love In Waltz Time"

"Too Much, Hold Back"

He was magnificent in his red cape and Zorro mask, sweat rolling in big drops from his face.

An hour and forty-five minutes later, Little David took a break. A lesser performer would have taken two breaks by then. Courtney took advantage of this opportunity to crouch beneath the folding table and discreetly remove her undergarments.

Returning to the piano moments later, Little David let loose another storm of musical talent in its purest form. When he struck the opening notes of "Whoever Turned You On Forgot To Turn You Off," Courtney knew that this was her moment.

Demurely making her way through the crowd ("Get the fuck outta my WAY!" she hissed right and left), she moved inexorably closer and closer to the stage, undergarments in hand.

When the moment was perfect .. Little David, having concluded his set, stood to take a bow .. she summoned all her strength and lobbed her undies onto the stage. Sheer excitement interfered with her aim, however, and they landed a good four behind Little David.

"YO! LITTLE DAVID LOOK BEHIND YOU RIGHT NOW I MEAN IT!" Courtney shrieked.

Little David turned around and bent over to pick up the undergarments .. red cape swirling, revealing for a moment his magnificent derriere ..

 

 

.. and the stack of half-eaten buckwheat pancakes ahering to it like a three day old diaper, only somewhat less aromatic.

 

 

"Oh ............ my ............. god," Courtney whispered. Nonononononono. It COULDN'T be.

But it was.

"Hiya Courtney!" Caspar/Little David boomed at her from the stage. "Clever disguise huh."

Courtney keeled over into a dead faint.

When she came to, three faces swarmed blurrily into view.

Caspar/Little David.

The ugliest Cub Scout she had ever seen in her thirty seven years on the planet.

And .. be still her heart ..

... Frank Lee, forcing a Cherry Slurpee down her throat. "Yeah, well, let's see how YOU like it," he hissed.

Courtney was just about to thank Frank Lee for his ministrations, inform the Cub Scout that he was the ugliest child she had ever seen in her thirty seven years on the planet and SPIT on Caspar/Little David, when she noticed Frank Lee's eyes glaze over like day-old doughnuts. Indeed, all three of them had suddenly forgotten all about her and were staring mutely towards the doorway.

"Amelia!" Peking cried.

"Wanda!" Huge Tony gasped.

"SIS?" Courtney Bombeck squealed.

"DAD!" Caspar/Little David shouted, seriously confused as always ...

 

 

 

 

::::::::::To Be Continued:::::::::::

 

 

::::::by:::::

  

 

 

MerryFill: Hi everybody! Secra invited me to join your string, hopeya don't mind!

 

 

  

 

 

:::: SORRY FEEF! ::::

:::: MR. NEKK'S GOING OUT OF TOWN ::::

::: AND IF I PASS IT TO NEW JERSEY WE'LL BE HERE TILL CHRISTMAS :::

 

 

 

xox

§ec

 

 

 

 

 

 


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