Call me DRaftervoi.
People write to me and say "Your flabbiness, what do you think of Clinton, REALLY? Do you love him or loathe him? Oh, DRaftervoi, what are your gnarly punk rockin’ views on the subject?"
Awakening from my transcendental tantric trance, I rise from my bed of nails and speak to them thus:
Our President is protected by mighty mystical forces that are beyond the ken of mere mortals. He is surrounded by a Shield of Force composed of the damned souls that he has consumed like so many greasy chicken McNuggets in his quest for power!
You dare not speak lightly of such a Being.
Just look at the storm-wrack tossed up on our collective political strand over the past year:
Bob "Bob" Livingstone: destroyed, disgraced; resigned his congressional seat after it was revealed that he had been getting his dogbone wet with four women who weren’t his wife. There goes 22 years in Congress down the drain.
Henry Hyde was transmogrified from a respectable and venerated statesman into the poster-boy for Adulterous Hypocrites Anonymous; he stands revealed as an oleaginous and pompous blowhard. The sooner we see last of his unctuous ass, the better.
Newt Gingrich at least had the common sense that God gave a rat to jump ship after his mutinous congressional crew turned on him after they suffered the biggest midterm electoral defeat since the first FDR administration. He got out when the getting was still good, because, no matter what you can say about him, Ol’ Newt understands politics. Not to mention he was banging some other broad BESIDES his wife.
The accusations against Clinton would have destroyed anyone who didn’t have a Shield of Power. The evidence is clear: anything negative that you say about Clinton just makes him stronger and more popular.
Clinton is the Maelstrom pulling under all who speak against him; he is the might Kraken swallowing mariners of ill will. Clinton is the Bermuda Triangle of Presidents, his opponents and political enemies fall into him and disappear without a trace.
Bill Clinton is the Great White Whale of our political imagination, his enemies mere mortal Ahabs dragged under by their consuming thirst for vengeance. To the Republicans, Clinton is the sum of all evil in the known universe. Pursue him they must, they are both doomed and damned by their own intractable natures. Action comes before reflection and only hate remains as an expression of their defiant will.
Ah....but to DRaftervoi, Clinton is an elemental force of nature, his huge bloated corpulence and insatiable appetites are awe-inspiring and terrible. You do not trifle with such a thing. Adrift in a Sea of Nothingness and Death, we can only cling to him in his mighty crapulence.
When a political talent like come around, you just stand back as the bullet zings by you, and listen for the ricochet.
In less than two years he will be gone, and we will all miss him, especially the Republicans, for they will never again agree on anything as much as they have agreed on their collective hatred of Clinton. The same thing happened once Nixon was gone; it took almost 20 years for the Democratic Party to recover.
DRaftervoi
P.S. I could, of course, have cast myself as Starbuck/DRaftervoi, but then I would have viewed our albino Cetacean In Chief as only a source of oil. I’d have been the first to leap into the longboat, brandishing my harpoon, and yelling "Thar shes BLOWS!!"......but that would have been a cheap double entendre, and you expect MORE from me than cheap smutty comments.