August 3, 2001
First & Last Warning


Dear Secra:

So let me get this straight.

You just got married to the man of your dreams. (A man who does your laundry, touches your face when he kisses you and routinely allows you to win every argument around your household.) You've spent the past seven months basking in limitless amounts of attention and adoration, here on your website. Bed, Bath and Beyond is writing YOU thank-you letters. Your wedding was even better than you'd hoped it would be, your honeymoon rocked, and you're coming off of a seventeen day VACATION, forcryingoutloud ...

... and now all you can do is complain about how "blue" you are?

You suck.

And your stoopid journal sucks.

And I don't even know why I'm bothering to read your stoopid sucky journal in the first place ... except that my boss is out of town today, and I'm bored, and the Code Red Worm has slowed the Dr. Laura website down to a crawl this afternoon.

You were my last hope.

the honeymooners

But I'll tell you this, Secra: if you don't snap out of your funk by next week and start writing about happy shidt again ... I'm history. (And I'm taking your other seven readers with me. Including your MOM.)

We don't want to hear you yammering on and on about how "weepy" and "fragile" and "emotionally squeezed" you're feeling. Snap out of it already! We want to hear about the $100 nightgown! We want to hear about the honeymoon hotel! We want to hear about the *Magic Fingers* machine! We want to hear about massage oil, and about walking around Port Townsend shopping for cuff bracelets, and about sitting in the jacuzzi holding feet and eating potato chips!

(More importantly: we want to see jacuzzi PHOTOS!)

So consider this your first and last warning, Secra: either lighten up and start delivering the goods, next week, or else get used to the idea of your counter stats actually moving backwards for a while. (And you'd better believe I'm not gonna stick around and read about your next wedding. Sheesh.)

Disgustedly yours,

p.s. where the hell is my thank-you card? was my teflon ironing board cover not GROOVY enough a gift for you to properly acknowledge?!? i'll bet you've thanked BEV already, haven't you??

you suck.

one year ago: daughterstuff

throw a rock