JOURNAL NO. 9
March & April 1974
Age 16, Spring of 10th Grade

"Everything started moving in slow motion; I kept seeing pink snowflakes on the Biology classroom walls,
and I kept smiling at the thoughts whirling around in my head. It was really beautiful!"



It's all boys, all the time.

Saturday
March 2, 1974

A typical Saturday evening ... I don't have any special plans, so I'm staying home and spending a pleasant evening in my room, watching TV, writing in my new ledger, eating, listening to records, etc. etc. Dad is in his radio room typing. I feel restless this evening. RESTLESS!

I'm confused, mixed-up about who I like. Maybe if I outline it all out, it'll make more sense to me:

Mike Davidson (a boy from Shelly's church) is in love with me. Really!  But I only consider him a Christian brother, a dear friend ... no more. I'm worried about hurting him.

John M., a guy one grade ahead of me, likes me now  ...  or so says Shelly's brother Rob. Has it that John (quote) "really has a crush on you." Hmm.

I have a big, big, big, BIG crush on Wally, a junior guy in my Study Hall class. I'm not sure if he likes me, but I DO know that he watches me a lot.

On Friday, Bill Loken, a gorgeous guy in my History class, told Colleen to tell me he likes me. He's super neat-o, super-cool, (yes, I actually said stuff like "super neat-o, super cool") and I wouldn't mind being his girlfriend ... BUT. I don't know if he really means it! Or if he was just kidding?

So you can see what a muddle I'm in. Of course David D. is TOTALLY off my list.  He was the first boy I ever went out on a "real" date with, a week and one day ago. We went to see "The Sting," with Paul Newman & Robert Redford. Even though it was the best movie I've ever seen, I had a terrible time on the date.   David was withdrawn and introverted ... wouldn't talk to me, kept completely to himself. Halfway through the movie, while I had my hands hidden under my coat so he wouldn't try to hold them, I suddenly realized that I didn't have any romantic feelings toward him at all. In fact, I felt almost sick when I realized what I'd gotten myself into, and I wondered how the heck I was going to get out of it. Fortunately, I didn't have to do anything. Our "relationship" (or whatever it was) dissolved naturally the next day, and I was free. What a good feeling.

But now.

Here I am, wondering and wondering about Wally & Bill. Let me tell you a little bit about both of them. Wally is a junior at my school. I used to have a little bit of a crush on his brother Joe, but I didn't even know who Wally was. Then one night Shelly (my best friend) and me were at a basketball game at school, and I saw Wally's name listed on the program of players. I nudged Shelly. "Take a look at Number 33," I said. "That's Joe Hall's brother," she said. I was surprised; they don't look anything alike. Anyway, he's in my 5th period Study Hall class. In fact, that's where I first really noticed him. I sit in the front of the room with my friends, and he sits in the back playing cards with his friends ... and one day I noticed him staring at me. When I saw him looking at me, a funny, tingly feeling shot through me. That was when it started. Just that simple.

(Similar to the way I first fell in love with Kenny Robbins, 2 years ago!)

Since then I've discovered that his 1st period history class is directly across the lawn from my 1st period Shakespeare class ...  so every morning I spend 55 blissful minutes staring at him, watching him do his assignment, and he watches me talking to my friends. Also, every afternoon during lunch, Shelly and me go into the empty Study Hall classroom to drink our milkshakes and listen to the radio, and guess who always "just happens" to come in?? Wally (and his friend Mike). They always come in and play cards a few desks away from us, and I can feel him watching me again.

Not many people know about my crush on Wally. Shelly knows, of course, and Karen ... also Rhonda Ryckman, the girl I sit by in Study Hall, and Rob, Shelly's brother. Other than that it's a Big Secret.

Now about Bill. Like I said, he's in my 4th period Social Studies class. I never really noticed him, since he sits in the back of the room with his friends, except maybe to observe that "he's cute!" He is ... there's no two ways about it. Dark hair, sorta dark complexion with BIG brown eyes and a neat smile ... a real dream. Anyway, I never paid a whole lot of attention to him until this past week. I wasn't sure if it was my imagination or not, but it seemed like every time I walked into History, or happened to look in his direction, he was always WATCHING me. I don't mean to sound conceited, but a girl can usually tell if a guy is interested in her - and it seemed like this guy was.

Then I noticed something else: every time I turned and caught him looking at me, he'd always turn away real fast & look embarrassed, and he'd mutter something to his friends (Ed & Byron) and then they'd ALL watch me. They'd be talking about me, and following me with their eyes - if I went to throw something away, walked over to my desk, left the room for a sec, etc. etc. So I had a pretty good hunch that something was up.

Towards the end of the class period on Friday, when we were in our Project Groups, they started yelling at Colleen to come over to their table. They talked to her for about 5 minutes, and though I carefully avoided looking at them, I knew what they were talking about. I'm not dumb or blind! I could see them looking at me while they talked. When Colleen stood up and started walking back to her seat next to mine, I heard Bill say to her, "See who gets more embarrassed, her or me."

She came over and sat down and said "Terri, Bill L. told me to tell you that he's madly in love with you, he thinks you're a FOX."  Actually, at that point I didn't know what "fox" meant.  I had a vague idea that it was probably a compliment, but I wasn't 100% sure.  I was so flustered -- I didn't know what to say or do or anything. Mike & Rick were sitting right there listening to every word, so all I could think to say was "So?" Like I didn't even care. All I could think was, "Mike is Wally's best friend, and I can't say that I like Bill or else he'll tell Wally, and then Wally will never like me." Then Colleen said, "Doesn't that make you feel happy?" and like an insolent, indifferent little BITCH I said "Who's Bill?" Like I didn't know who he was. LIES! LIES! I KNEW VERY WELL WHO HE WAS!! But I was just covering my embarrassment.

Colleen pointed him out. "That guy sitting over there by Ed and Byron, with the silver coat and the dark hair." He smiled at me, and I laughed.

I CAN BE SO DUMB.

Now I have to wait until Monday to find out if he likes me, or if he was just trying to get a rise out of me, or if I wrecked it with my "couldn't care less" attitude. Until then all I can do is sit around and think about him, and Wally, and John, and Mike  ...

Later that same night:

Damn it! Damn, damn, damn. Why did he have to call me and ruin my good mood??

It's 11:30 at night, and a few minutes ago Carl Hallagin called me. He's over at Clarence's house, along with Tim O'Brien, and he started off our wonderful conversation by saying, "Clarence is sorry for what happened, and he wants to get back with you." I was startled, and for one second I was sucked in ... but then I remembered that Carl is the world's most convincing liar, and I replied, "I think you're full of shit." In the background I could hear Clarence yelling, "I WOULDN'T GET BACK WITH HER IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!" Wonderful. Carl and me chit-chatted for a few minutes, about assorted this & that ... how long his hair was getting, how he's going to join the Marines, etc. etc. He was pretty nice, surprisingly, but now he's got me thinking about Clarence again. Damn.

More later:

Past midnight, and for some reason I'm still up and running around, playing my music full blast and "whooping it up." The hell with Clarence and his jerky friends. I refuse to let them ruin my good mood! Dad and his friend Frank (Dusbabek) are talking on the radio, across the hall.

No, correction: they just took off for some party, said they'd be back "in about an hour." So here I am alone in this house ...

 

Sunday
March 3, 1974

I'm writing this early in the morning, the next day.

I called Don & Diane a few minutes ago and asked them not to pick me up for church, using the flimsy excuse that "I don't feel good." Actually, that's not the real reason. Right now I'm just laying here in bed, listening to the ticking of my alarm clock and the gentle rumbling of the heater, the only sounds in this house. Dad is out like a light - his big night last night really did him in.

I have very definite plans for this day.

Last Wednesday was my brother's 15th birthday. Dad promised that he'd pick up a present for him this weekend, one that we could both give him. Dick was so thrilled when I told him that Dad was actually going to give him a birthday present, that now I don't have the heart to tell him that Dad welched out at the last minute, as usual. Damn him! His attitude toward Dick --  his callous, senseless indifference --  is the one thing that really makes me hate Dad sometimes. When Dick lived here, Dad always treated him like shit, and I hated it! I was glad to see Dick move out last summer, for his sake ...  he's a lot happier living with Mom & Ken. I miss him like crazy, of course, but it's better for him this way. Anyway. Dad, that stupid bastard, said that he isn't going to buy Dick anything until he "learns a few manners," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. He made up some lie about how Dick called here and hung up on him. That's just a lot of shit, because I know Dick, and I know he wouldn't do anything like that. So, today I'm going to walk down to Boulevard Park and pick up two birthday gifts for him -- one from me and one (supposedly) from Dad. Why I'm covering for this asshole, I'll never know, except that I love my brother too much to want to see him hurt.

Before bed:

Well, I followed through with my plans and spent most of the day (and all of my money!) at Mom's, even stayed for dinner. I met my two step-brothers, Ronny (7) and Pat (11). They're little angels!

I can't wait for school tomorrow, because I'm dying to find out how Bill feels about me. For some reason I haven't been able to get him out of my mind all weekend. I asked Mom if she knew Bill (he went to Puget when mom was working there as a special librarian). Not only does she know him, she works with his mom! They're good friends! Wow, what a coincidence. I told her that him and me are sorta going together.

Monday
March 4, 1974

Today was the super-terrific, neat-o day that I KNEW it would be! And I have this feeling that tomorrow might be even better! (I hope, I hope)

First, before I begin with all the exciting details, two or three observations:

1. I'm in an unusually good mood. Could be because I'm (sort of) in love. Or because "that time of the month" is over with for 28 blissful days. Or because I finally have David out of my hair. Or a combination of all.

2. Bill is very shy. So far.

3. I'm trying not to lose my head or my senses in this relationship. I want this one to last!

Life, so they say
Is but a game, and they've let it slip away
Love, so they say
Should be dying
But it's only just begun 

-- Seals & Crofts, "We May Never Pass This Way Again" --

I can't help but wonder: are Bill and me going to get together? If so, when? How? Will I be able to talk to him, or will we both clam up and come on with the frigid, uncomfortable-around-each-other bit? What is he like inside? I mean, what does he think about? What is he interested in? (besides me, ha ha ha) What kind of guy is he? Will he use me? Will we ever really get to know each other? Will we love each other? If so, how far will we end up going? How will it end? When will it end? Will my heart ache for him months & months after we've broken up, the way it aches (still, sometimes) for Clarence?

I can see us together. I mean, I think I can imagine what it would be like.

Will we share a bag of orange circus peanuts?

Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe it won't work out at all, or only for a week or so. Maybe it WILL, though. Maybe ... ?

OK, enough rambling romanticism ... down to the nitty gritty details. Start at the beginning.

He likes me, for sure ... I heard it over and over today, from various sources. First of all, during 1st period Shakespeare, Shelly and me were just sitting there at our desks by the window, talking and watching Wally and stuff, and a couple of feet away Ed Hruby was sitting on the radiator with Norm. I was dying to ask Ed something about Billy - anything, even something as obvious as "Who's that guy you sit by in History?" Fortunately I didn't get the chance to make an utter fool out of myself. Ed and Norm were talking, and all of a sudden I heard Ed say, "Yah, Loken's madly in love." I froze, pretending to be struck deaf, dumb and blind while Ed discreetly pointed me out to Norman. They discussed me in whispers so I wouldn't know they were talking about me.

Wally was staring at me from his classroom, even more than usual. It made my heart twinge, because in a way I still have my crush on him. I still think he's super cool.

Nothing else great happened until Algebra, third period. I was sitting at my desk, combing my hair and getting out my assignment, when Charles Laird, Doug Espeseth and David C. all walked in. They're juniors, and they sit in front of me in class. Usually they ignore me, engrossed in their conversations about cars and friends, but today the first thing Charles said when he walked in was, "Hey, Bill Loken likes you!" I didn't know what to say! So I put down my pencil and smiled in embarrassment and said, "If one more person tells me that, I'll go crazy!" Then I said, "How do you know?"

"Because he TOLD me!" said Charles. We talked for a good part of the hour, about Bill & Wally & me & EVERYTHING. They were being so nice to me, I couldn't believe it! And during the hour I learned several vitally important facts, such as:

1. Bill has a car!!! Yay!

2. He used to go with (two popular junior girls)

3. Wally doesn't like girls!  At least that's what Charles says.

At the end of the hour, the last thing Chuck said was, "Is he gonna take you out on Friday?" I was busy putting on my coat and I just mumbled "I don't know." As he walked out the door, he said "OK, I'll tell him you said you don't want to go out with him." 

"NO, DON'T!" I screamed after him, but he was gone. He was only kidding anyway.

Then came fateful fourth period ... the only class I have with Bill. My heart was pounding when I walked through the door - I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. In fact, I didn't look at him at all during the whole class, except for once at the very end when he wasn't looking. He didn't say a word to me, either, but all period long I could hear him, Ed and Byron talking to each other about me. Once I heard Ed say to him, "Why don't you ask her out, Bill?" I couldn't hear his reply to that one, too bad. Another Ed-to-Bill comment: "Is it true you're madly in love, Bill?" and Billy said, "Yah, Ed." And one thing Bill said to Ed: "Write her a note for me, Ed!"

During lunch only one really neat thing happened, and that was when Shelly and me were walking down the hall. Charlie and his friends walked by and Charlie said, "Hey, he's gonna ask you out!" I laughed and said "Oh sure," and he said "You wanna make a bet about it?" So that really makes me wonder ...

Study Hall was an absolute BLAST! ! ! ! FUNNER THAN EVER! Everyone, all the junior guys that are in that popular group, were being so nice and attentive. They were teasing me about Bill, Wally was watching my every move (I KNOW he likes me) and throwing pencils at me ... when I turned around to glower at him, he gave me the BIGGEST smile.

Enough.

I'm spending the night at Shelly's again. All I can think about is Bill.

Tuesday

I was wrong -- this day wasn't better. In fact, it was kind of a let-down in a lot of ways.


 

 

 

Tuesday
March 12, 1974

This is being written a week later. A lot has happened within the past seven days -- so much, in fact, that I don't want to get bogged down by the details, so I'll be brief.

I'm going out with Ed Hruby now. Strange, but true. He started calling me last week (he says he got my number from Chuck), and then he asked me out. We went to the movies on Saturday night - we saw "American Graffiti" at Renton Cinema II. He was holding my hand, and afterwards we went and parked down at the Renton Loop. Didn't get home until quarter to 2, but Dad had a bunch of friends over and they were all drinking, so he was in a jovial mood & didn't care.

I go home for lunch with Ed every day now, and usually after school too. He calls me constantly, and whenever we're together he always has his arm around me, is always super-attentive.

So here's the terrible part: I'm not sure if I like him.

He's a real neat guy ... I've always thought (since I was in 8th grade & he was in 9th at Sunset) that he was one of the cutest boys I'd ever seen in my life. And I know he likes me.

But.

I still have a crush on that big goof Wally, a big crush that won't go away. I know it's futile, asinine, RIDICULOUS to hang on like this, but I can't help it. I see him every day, and it just about drives me crazy.  

 

 

Thursday
March 14, 1974

Hmmm. Bill gave me a ride home from school today. I was supposed to go over to Ed's right after school, but at the last minute I chickened out & took off before he could find me. As I was walking home, Bill went roaring past me in his old Rambler, with a bunch of guys. When he saw me he turned around in someone's driveway and came roaring back up the street towards me, shouting "Do you want a ride home?" I was only about a block from home, but I couldn't resist. I ended up sitting right next to him, and we had an interesting little conversation. He asked me how me and Ed were getting along?

Do you suppose maybe they flipped a coin over me or something ...?

After he dropped me off I started getting all these wild ideas about how maybe Bill really does like me, and maybe he'll take me out ... it took me a couple of hours to shake it.

Ed came over tonight. We sat on the couch, watching TV with Dad and holding hands, and it reminded me so much of me & Clarence that it hurt! It made me remember so many little things that I'd forgotten, like the way Clarence used to tickle the back of my neck, or the way I had to endure Dad's dull boring TV shows, waiting for him to go to bed so I could be alone with my boyfriend. Sometimes I can't help but compare Ed to Clarence.

Anyway. After Dad went to bed we had the living room to ourselves. We turned off the lights and turned down the TV, and lay on the couch together. Nothing spectacularly dirty, just holding each other close and a lot of long, involved kissing. He was getting stirred, I could tell - going with Clarence for eight months taught me how to tell. He left at a little past midnight.

Hanging out in my messy bedroom
Spring 1974

 

Friday
March 15, 1974

God. Of all people to make a pass at me - Charles Laird ??? I just can't believe it.

Ed is on restrictions for getting home so late last night, so he couldn't come over or go out anywhere. I was talking to him on the phone at 7:30 and he was in a SOUR mood, calling his dad all the profane names in the book. Just then Chuck came over to his house, and after about 15 minutes we got the bright idea of having Chuck come over to my house and pick me up on his motorcycle, to take me to Ed's house. I rushed and got "gussied up" and in 5 minutes I heard his motorcycle roar into the driveway.

Well, the three of us just goofed around in Ed's room for a while, talking and laughing. When the two of them get together, they are SO FUNNY. Then Chuck had to leave. He said he'd be back to pick me up around 10:30, so until then it was just Ed and me alone in his room. We sat on his bed watching TV, eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi; nothing too passionate, just had our arms around each other. It was fun in a pleasantly boring way.

Chuck came back and we left at 5 minutes to 11. We were roaring down 24th, and I was LOVING it - riding on a motorcycle is the best!! - when all of a sudden he asked me if I wanted to "go to the airport." I said Sure, OK -- I was in no mood for the ride to end - he was Ed's best friend, after all, so I figured I could trust him. We went up there, and I just about shit my pants when I realized we had just pulled into one of the most infamous necking spots in Seattle. I had NO IDEA that's what he'd had in mind!

Honest to God. To this day (30+ years later) I can still remember the shock I felt when I realized what was going on. When he suggested "going to the airport," *I* thought he meant Let's ride around a while longer on my groovy fast motorcycle. Naive 16-year-old Terri didn't recognize it as a euphemism for Let's go the airport and park so I can put my hand up your sweater  ...  at least, not until we actually GOT there.  Naturally I had him take me home the instant I understood what was happening.  In retrospect, I think he was probably every bit as embarrassed by the whole thing as I was: for the rest of the time we went to high school together, he never looked me in the eye again.

 

 

Saturday
March 16, 1974 2:20 a.m.

I'm beginning to get emotionally involved with Ed. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, and I feel a little scared. I'm afraid of getting into another close relationship with a guy, because I ALWAYS end up getting hurt in the end. But I can't seem to help it.

I couldn't hide the truth from him - I had to tell him about what happened between me & Chuck at the airport last night. At first he really over-reacted - I thought he was going to KILL Chuck. I've never seen him so mad. Then he started to jump all over me, and I started yelling back.  I explained to him that absolutely nothing happened between Chuck and me, that it was all one big misunderstanding. Good thing he can't hold a grudge long, and it was over (and at least partially forgotten) in a little while. I went over to his house tonight. He's still on restrictions because of Thursday night, so his mom had to come and pick me up, but she's so sweet I could tell she really didn't mind. Ed and me stayed downstairs in the rec room watching TV until 1:30 a.m., and he was acting just like his old self. We watched all of the usual Saturday night shows, plus part of "The Merchant of Venice" and a movie called "Gazebo."

I almost think I'm falling in love, but I don't know how he feels about me.

Tired.

 

 

Sunday
March 17, 1974

Ed's called me twice already this morning, but I probably won't be seeing him until tomorrow (sob sob)

Just spending a pleasantly boring day in my room, listening to the radio and wishing there was something interesting to do. My "party" started today, thrill, so I have cramps.

Sunshine
On my shoulder makes me happy
Sunshine
In my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine
On the water looks so lovely
Sunshine
Almost always makes me high.
-- John Denver --



This song brings back the saddest memories -- I feel like crying when I hear it. The first time I ever heard it was the night I knew for sure I was losing Clarence forever, and then we broke up three days later.

 

 

Tuesday
March 18, 1974 6:30 p.m.

(Ed and I) had our first fight today, and now I'm going out of my mind, wishing he would call me or come over or SOMETHING, anything to let me know he still cares. I'm so scared of losing him. The fight was so stupid; I don't understand how I could have been such a bitch. After 4th period I was standing at my locker, and he came up to me and said he was going home for lunch. I usually go with him, but this time he didn't invite me to join him. I said, "Don't you want me to come?" I can't remember his exact words, but it was something like "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but no."

I was hurt - understandably so. In TerriWorld, boyfriends want to spend every waking minute with their girlfriends. I turned my back to him and started rummaging around in my locker, tight-lipped and sullen. He said "You're mad now, aren't you?" I was, but I said "No I'm not," and continued to search through my purse for a quarter. He just looked at me and then walked away.

I haven't talked to him, or even seen him since then, and I'm worried sick. After school I went to Glacier's first baseball game of the season, against Thomas Jefferson (we lost, 2-1). The sun was shining but a bitingly cold wind was blowing, and I was frozen. I kept looking around anxiously for Ed, but he was nowhere in sight. By the time I got home at quarter to six, I felt tired, discouraged and chilled to the bone. Dad said that "some boy" called about an hour ago, and I just hope & pray it was Ed. (I have a feeling it was probably only Mike Davidson, though.)

Later (7:50 p.m.)

Right now I'm talking to Ed on the phone!!! And apparently he isn't mad about anything - he doesn't even seem to remember our little "falling-out." However ... he doesn't seem all that friendly. A little on the cool & distant side.

Excerpts of our conversation (his end):

"She probably put you in The Novels of that Dildo ... Oh, OK ... I wish those girls would call again! ... You better not hang up! I'm warning you! ... Just hold on a sec ... Tell you what I'm thinkin' 'bout ya ... Then she looks out the window ... What'd I tell you? ... Hello? Hi ... Oh .... I was so embarrassed ... CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? ... Oh, "Boney and the Jets" ... Forget it, it's too tech for you ... Benny, Benny, Benny ... You're really weird, you know it? ... I don't care, God ... And she goes, Í hear you're pretty cute' ... And I go, ‘ I am' ... The United States of America, whooo! ... Oh yah, man, there's some girl at Ross' house ... Oh, this music ... How could I forget? ... Yah, and then the guys go ... God, sounds so cool! ..."

 

 

Wednesday
March 20, 1974

He called me up four times altogether last night - Dad was getting super-super-super pissed because the phone kept ringing, but I just sat back and ignored him. We talked for 2-1/2 hours last night; he finally hung up at 10:30 when I kept falling asleep.

Sometimes he's really sweet to me, but most of the time he likes to "jokingly" cut me down ... he says I'm ugly, fat, dumb, etc. It's a good thing it doesn't hurt my feelings or I'd probably be mad at him most of the time. He did say one thing, though, that made me feel good all over:

Me: "You're always cutting me down. Why don't you say at least one nice thing about me?"

Him: "Something nice ... OK." (stopped & thought) "Well, you're a FOX ... you've got a great body ... and I like you. Yah, I like ya. I think I'll keep ya."

Quarter to seven, and here's Terri V. in her stinkiest jeans, an old T-shirt and tennies, sitting in her semi-messy, freezing cold room, still light outside but with her desk lamp turned on anyway, listening to "Spirit In The Sky" on her tape, digesting her hamburger and milk dinner, waiting for Ed to call and say whether or not he's coming over, hearing her Dad typing in his radio room, feeling listless ... hope I see Ed tonight. 

Ramble, ramble.

I met Mr. Berlin, the Glacier Auto Shop teacher, today when I was over at Ed's house after school. He came over to help Ed work on his car, and I swear he looks just like a kid! I've seen him a million times around school but I had no idea he was a TEACHER. I always thought he was a student.

Ed came over tonight and we watched TV together in the living room.

 

 

Friday
March 22, 1974

Written as soon as I got home from school, sitting here alone in this cold, empty house ... feeling empty and desolate.

Damn him!!

I'm beginning to feel used, and I know that we're not going to be together much longer. God, I can't stop crying. I feel so empty inside. What's the point of even trying to love somebody? It never works out, never. Just when you think you have an understanding, a shared feeling , you realize that love never lasts. 

I hate being used. I HATE it.

It's bad enough that I never see him during the day, except for the two classes we have together ... but then when we DO have a class together he totally, completely ignores me. During lunch today he went to McDonalds with Bill, with a bunch of other kids - never a word about taking me along. Just "Don't be mad, OK?" It's always "Don't be mad, but I'm going to do this" or "Don't be mad, but I'm going to do that," and he never even thinks about taking me along. I keep getting left out in the cold, and it's starting to hurt deeply. It's almost as though he's ashamed to be seen with me. Why? I mean, I don't have two head or green hair or scales or anything ... he himself has said he thinks I'm pretty. So what's this "deep dark secret" bit? Is it because he doesn't want other girls to think he's "unavailable?" Precisely. I'm PROUD that I'm going out with him! I WANT people to know! I WANT to be seen with him! But no, it would be too much to ask for him to walk me to classes, or take me out to lunch with his friends.

DAMN HIM!!

He picked me up after school today when I was walking home with Shelly. We hardly said a word to each other, except for when he said (are you ready for this??) , "Don't be mad but I'm gonna work on my car, so I'm gonna drop you off at Shelly's." To which I coldly replied that I didn't want to go to Shelly's, and that he could just drop me off "anywhere." He brought me home, again in total silence, and his parting words were "I hope you're not mad."

I looked him right in the eye, and said with all the sarcasm I could muster, "Why would I be?" And then I slammed his door shut and walked away. I suppose he'll call later, and I'll lose all my nerve and forgive him. He's going down to the Loop tonight with Bill and (yuck) Lisa, and he asked me to go with. What fun, watching Bill & Lisa pawing each other for two hours. No way.

 

Sunday night
March 25, 1974

I'm writing this right before bed on Sunday night ... sitting in bed with my nightlight on, sipping ginger ale and listening to the gentle tick-tock of the little clock beside my bed. Everything seems so peaceful right now ... I feel so at ease.

It was beautiful today. Technically it's spring, and the feeling in the air, the mood, the atmosphere around school proves it. I keep getting vibrations from last year at this time: vivid impressions of the way I felt then. I was just beginning to notice Clarence ...

Anyway. I should write about this weekend. Friday night Ed called, just like I knew he would, and he pretended like nothing had ever happened. He didn't even mention going to the Loop with Bill and Lisa, so instead he came over to my house and watched TV with me until 1:30 a.m. We talked about things, but I couldn't seem to open up to him and tell him I don't like the way he's been treating me.

Saturday was an unusually boring and lazy day, with me just hanging around my room all day. Dad came home early and we went to Burien for about an hour. I bought a new phone and address book for $1.27 and the 45 single "Star Baby" by The Guess Who (77 cents). I think Ed called, but I'm not sure because I don't remember. I cleaned my room and listened to my new record about 40 billion times. Then around 8:00 I was waiting for Ed to call me or come over or SOMETHING. No word from him at all! I was starting to get a little worried and upset, when he came over unexpectedly at 9:30 with his friend, Mike Heater. They stayed for an hour or so, and Mike ... well, I kept looking at him, I couldn't help it 'cause he's kinda cute. Uh oh. They made a phone call to Sultan's Lavendar Cinema downtown, and Mike wanted to listen on an extension, so him and me went into my room to listen on my phone while Ed used the living room phone to make his call.

They left around 10:30 and I stayed up late watching movies on TV. Ed called at 11:30 and we talked for 2-1/2 hours, until 2 a.m. Then I went to bed, exhausted.

Today (Sunday) was a repeat of yesterday. Ed called once in the morning, no thrills. He said he was going to work on his car, and THEN he asked me if he could borrow $10 for a new carburator. I'm not exactly crazy about the idea of loaning him money.

I spent the day in my room napping, and Ed came over tonight, stayed until 9.

My new diet starts tomorrow. I hope to lose 10 pounds.

2 Figurines + lowfat milk for BREAKFAST
A can of Spoon-Up diet pudding for LUNCH
A regular DINNER, minus excess calories (butter, sauces, condiments, second helpings)
Before-bed SNACK of diet soda + yogurt

NO SNACKING! (between meals)
DRINK 8-10 GLASSES OF WATER
EXERCISE APLENTY! Oh sure. 

Caught in the act
Spring 1974

 

 

March 25, 1974
Monday 7:00 p.m.

Just sitting around in my room, listening to the radio and wishing Ed would call me again. He said he'd call back at seven.

This was a normal, OK day. Nothing really worth writing about.

I like Ed a lot. He still ignores me at school, but I guess I can't expect him to be a Romeo all the time, can I?

 

 

Tuesday 5:10 p.m.
March 26, 1974

Ordinary-ordinary day. One or two highlights ... Ed was a lot nicer to me today. SHOCK. After 4th period (one of the classes I have with him), I was standing at my locker, looking for my lunch (another can of that putrid diet pudding) when he came up to me and put his arms around me!!! I was so surprised! It was the first time he EVER showed me any sign of affection in school, in public.

I really like him, I've decided. He has a terrific personality, funny and charming and disarmingly candid. He says what he means, pulls no punches, and manages to convey innocence and a sort of cynical worldliness at the same time. And he's adorable.  He often reminded me that he was better-looking than I was.

Hey! Shock! Just as I was writing the above description of him, there was a soft knock at the front door. Dad was already in bed so I flew out to answer it, and there he was, standing on my front porch!

OUR FIRST PHONE CONVERSATION

(Phone rings. Terri picks it up.) Terri: H'lo?
Ed: Is Terri there?
Terri (with curiousity in my voice): This is Terri.
Ed: Hullo.
Terri: Yah?
Ed: How are you?
Terri: Who's this? (laugh)
Ed: (laugh) Yah. (Clears throat) Thought I'd call ya up.
Terri: Oh that's really nice. Who is this?
Ed: You don't know?
Terri: Huh-unh.
Ed: Oh. This is - Ed.
Terri: You're kidding.
Ed: (silence) No.
Terri: Oh hi.

SILENCE

Ed: (limply) I'm not kidding.
Terri: How did you get my phone number?
Ed: I know this kid, named Charles L. - you know him?
Terri: (laugh) Yah, I know him.
Ed: Yah, and I talked to him ... I hear he's been talking to ya ..

That's part of the very first phone coversation Ed and I ever had, March 5, 1974. Three weeks ago.

March 27, 1974

This wasn't too bad a day. During Shakespeare (1st period) we had to read some sonnets out of the book ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") and since Ed didn't have a book, he moved his desk over and shared mine. Then during our other class together, Cities In Crisis, we kept exchanging smiles while Mr. Lien gave one of his famous dull lectures.

 

Into My Own
by Robert Frost
(my favorite poem)

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as ‘twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away into the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway, where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from he they knew -
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

 

 

Thursday
March 28, 1974 6:00 p.m.

Crap.
Crap crap crap crap.
SHIT!!!!

This was a rotten day, and now I'm so upset I don't know what to say, what to think, what to do. Even after eating a big plate of chow mein and egg roll for dinner, and now sitting in my room listening to "Moody Blues" music - usually enough to make me feel better - I still feel awful.

We had THE FIGHT today ... even worse than our first one a week ago. He's not even speaking to me! It was so dumb, I don't even want to write about it. I'll just say this much: it all started in first period Shakespeare. We were having a test, and I wouldn't give him some of the answers. So he called me a bitch, which really made me feel great. Now he's not talking to me, and I wish he'd call me. I wish.

7:30 p.m.

The phone just rang, while I was brushing my teeth. My heart stopped; I froze in panic. I ran to the phone numbly, not even daring to hope. "Please let it be him!" I prayed silently. I grabbed up the receiver. "Hello?" I said breathlessly, hoping, praying.

"Hi Terri, this is Mike (Davidson)." 

CRUSH!!!

I told him I couldn't talk and hung up. Crushed, defeated, ready to cry, I'm sitting

-- INTERRUPTED -

He just called, just as I was writing the above, and we talked it out. It's all forgotten! He's coming over in a few minutes (it's 10 minutes past 8) so I can't write anymore tonight.

 

 

Sunday 2:00 p.m.
March 31, 1974

Well, here we go again. Should I start swearing, or screaming, or crying, or what? He has to be the screwiest guy in the whole world.

Get this.

He took me out on Friday night. That in itself was a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence¸ since he is usually flat broke. Somehow he managed to earn $10 after school, so he called and said he wanted to take me out. We went to the Burien Theater and saw "The Paper Chase" and "Play It Again, Sam." We had a pretty good time. After the movie I invited him to come home with me for a little while. When we got there, Dad was already in bed and there was a beautiful fire going in the fireplace, so we turned off all the lights and the TV and lay down on the couch together. We were both exhausted, and we fell asleep in each others' arms. We woke up at a little past midnight, and he left.

OK.

So then comes Saturday. I was gone all day, over at Grandma Vert's, but Dad was home and he said that Ed didn't call for me all day. I was a little peeved when I heard that, so I decided to go to the Coffeehouse with Shelly and just forget about him for one night. Dad said he didn't call at all, the whole time I was gone.

THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!!!

Now it's getting late on Sunday afternoon and still no word, no show. Hmmm ... can't help but wonder, is this the beginning of the end?

Oh, last night at the Coffeehouse, Dave Johnson and Dave Darling asked Shelly and me to go out with them. I said YES. Ed can just stick it up his ass.

Later:

Well, now it's almost 4:00, and my "adorable boyfriend" still hasn't called me yet. What a dead day. Total lack of energy - feeling sluggish, lethargic. Read my old ledgers from a year ago, when I was just starting out with Clarence, and it makes me wish I could go back and relive those times.

Clarence, Clarence ... aren't you going to ever let me forget about you?

Forget his name, forget his face
Forget about that special place.
Forget about the love you knew
Remember he has someone new.

Forget the fun that you once shared
Forget the fact that he once cared.
Forget the time you had together
Remember now he's gone forever.

Forget the times they played "your" song
Forget the times you cried so long.
Forget how close you once had been
Remember now you can't have him.

Forget the times that he would phone
Forget the times you felt alone.
Forget that you were in his heart
Remember now that you're apart.

Forget his gentle teasing way
Forget you saw him yesterday
Forget the things you used to do
Remember, now she loves him too.

Forget the times that he walked by
Forget the way he made you sigh.
Forget the way he said your name
Remember now things aren't the same.

Forget the way he held your hand
Forget the things you two had planned.
Forget the talks that once you had
Remember, now he's made you sad.

Forget the times that went too fast
Forget the love that didn't last
Forget he said he'd leve you never
Remember now he's gone forever.

There's a plce where love begins and a place where love must end:
Love asks nothing.

Dorky poem that made the rounds in high school, circa 1974.

Later - 6:10 p.m.

Well, so OK, he called me - twice, in fact - and even after talking him I still don't feel any better. His caustic, insensitive attitude really BURNS me. He said he's been "busy" all weekend, and that's why he didn't call ... then he listed all his social activities while I listened, fuming. Then we argued about silly, pointless things for ten minutes, culminating in him calling me a "liar" and me accusing him of being "rude." He said that he's "super tired" tonight, so he's going to go to bed at 6:30 ... which is his not-so-subtle way of excusing himself from coming over.

Well. Tonight I'm just going to relax and forget about impossible, irrational Ed.

LATER:

Something oddly disturbing just happened (7:45 p.m.) I KNEW he was putting me on when he said he was going to bed "early" -- I mean, I know Ed, and he just isn't the type who goes to bed at 6:30, no matter how tired he is. He's a goer, a doer ... he doesn't like to sit around. Anyway. A few minutes ago a man called here, and in a breathless voice he cried "Is Eddy there?"

I said he must have the wrong number, and he said "Is this 246-8953?" I said yes, but no one by that name lived here. Then he said "Is this Terri?," and in a flash I realized who he was: Ed's dad. 

"Mr. H.?" I asked timidly.

"Yes, isn't Eddy over there?"

"No, he isn't." And a moment later I hung up without giving it another thought. Humming to myself, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Suddenly the full implication of the phone call me struck me, and it was like someone hit me in the stomach. I dropped my toothbrush, stunned, and looked into the mirror. 

"He LIED to me!!" I cried.

And apparently I'm not the only one he lied to ... sounds like he told his parents he was coming over here, when in reality he snuck off somewhere else. "That's why he said he was going to bed early!" This startling revelation flashed across my mind, and seeting with anger I slammed my door shut and flung myself across my bed. "He lied to me so I wouldn't know he's taking out SOME OTHER GIRL!!!"

But why? Why does he have to sneak around behind my back? We're not officially attached to each other -- we're both free to do as we please. Why does he have to be so deceitful and cowardly?

AND WHERE THE HELL IS HE???

More later 9 p.m.

Terri, Terri, Terri ... you and your suspicious mind! You're really going to get yourself in a lot of trouble one of these days. "Going out with another girl," SURE. He came over at 8:30 with his friend Jim, and it turns out he had to go sign up for league bowling. Why don't I trust him more? They came over, joked around for a while, raided my refrigerator, teased me about my hair (I had it up in a weird ponytail because my neck was hot, and I didn't bother to take it down when they rang the doorbell), threw pieces of cheese at my cat, and then left as unceremoniously as they had arrived. Eddy didn't kiss me or even touch me at all - he never does when his friends are around - but he did make a point of shaking my hand goodbye. He's really strange.

How can I possibly break up with him? At times he can be the most exasperating boy I've ever known, and at other times he brightens up my whole life.

 

 

Monday
April 1, 1974

Start of a brand new month. Can't believe it but there's only 9 weeks of school left.

 

 

Wednesday
April 3, 1974

God, here we go again ... me sitting by the phone, hoping, waiting, praying for him to call me. A terribly familiar situation.

It's past eight. I feel hot, ugly and tired. Just sitting here watching "The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour," chewing gum, rubbing my eyes and feeling like CRUD.

Later (right before bed)

Well OK, Ed ... you didn't call, which made my evening a total waste ... thanks a lot.

 

 

Friday
April 5, 1974

This was another rotten day. I was in a foul mood, snapping and screaming at one and all. Even the prospect of nine luscious, lazy days of Spring Vacation fail to cheer me up. Whenever I think of Spring Vacation, I naturally remember last year, and then I remember Clarence, and that old gnawing ache inside of me comes back.

It's really weird. Clarence and me broke up five months ago and I still miss him terribly.

Anyway, back to today. Ed was unusually sweet and attentive, going out of his way to prove how much he cares. That's not like him. I think that ever since he got his hair cut Tuesday, he's been feeling insecure and scared of losing me, so he's been making up for lost time. His hair looks terrible now. I'm trying not to let it affect my feelings towards him, but it's hard.

Shelly, for some reason, was being very cool and distant, and I get the distinct impression that she is trying to avoid me. I wonder what's bugging her? We seem to be drifting apart, quarreling over silly, pointless things ... we used to be so close. In the meantime, Karen has suddenly become my friend again. She calls me, invites me over, etc.

Tonight Ed is at his sister's wedding.

 

 

Saturday
April 6, 1974

I'm down in bed with the flu, so I don't feel like writing a whole lot - BUT, something happened today, a little thing really, but something worth mentioning.

First day of Spring Vacation, and did I sleep in until noon, as planned & anticipated?? Nope! I got up at 7:30, bursting with energy and life, ready to conquer the world. I completely scrubbed, cleaned and polished the refrigerator and the kitchen, straightened up the living room, ironed a bunch of Dad's shirts, etc. etc. Normally I'm not that active on a Saturday morning, so I sorta surprised myself.

Ed called once and asked if I wanted to come over. I said I couldn't, which prompted an argument and ended with me slamming the phone down angrily while he was bawling me out for being "immature." He called back an hour later and softly asked, "Are you mad still?"

He came over, but it was terrible. For some reason that I can't identify I couldn't seem to warm up to him. He kept trying to hold me, kiss me, etc. and I kept shying away. I couldn't help it. Every time I looked at him all I could see was his choppy haircut, his pug nose, his little boy face ... and I felt totally TURNED OFF. We were laying on my bed, for instance, and I just couldn't face him. So I jumped up and ran over to my dresser and started straightening my perfume bottles. He left a few hours later, and he must have been pretty disgusted with me because he hasn't called at all tonight. Probably thinks I'm frigid.

It's just as well, tho -- this flu has really got me down, literally.

 

 

Sunday night 9:00 p.m.
April 7, 1974

There are a lot of better things I could be doing with my time right now than sitting here scribbling inane, senseless garbage in a notebook that no one will ever read or care about ...

... but I'm in a thoughtful, quiet, pensive mood, and I feel like writing. So there.

Tubular Bells (Mike Oldsfield)
Sundown (Gordon Lightfoot)

There have been two things weighing heavily on my mind lately. One is something neat and exciting, something that I'm looking forward to ... and one is something I can't explain.

The thing I can't explain is why my mind has been on Clarence so much recently. I'm almost afraid to say it, but I think I still love him. Why??? We broke up five months ago ... time enough for me to forget all about him, and the way he hurt me. Since November I've had seven other boyfriends, gone places, mad new friends, tried to completely put him out of my mind. Sometimes it works, too -- I become so involved with someone or something new & different, and think that I've finally gotten rid of his memory. But always, always, I find myself alone again, and the overwhelming love, the crushing ache return to haunt and torment me. I have never in my life loved someone with such ferocity, such intensity, as I loved him. Maybe I never will again.

He's awful these days. Jody (Bob's girlfriend) says that ever since he broke up with me, "he's really gone to hell." He acts like he hates the sight of me, and yet I've been told that he fiercely & jealously guards all my old love letters, the teddy bear I made him, the little stuffed black dog he named "Terri." He TREASURES those things! He must, I know him!! I know him so well, I know how his mind works, how he reacts and responds to things.

There has GOT to be some love left in him!!

He hurt me worse than anyone else ever did - started going with another girl right behind my back, kissing her and holding her while I waited for him at his locker.

There have been others for me, too. Scott meant a lot to me, but he hurt me in the end, as did Tommy. Gary and David were only diversions ... I never really cared about them. Bill never worked out. Ed is fine, as a sort of temporary interest, but I can't feel anything for him in a real way.

Clarence has ruined me for anybody else.

Oh by the way - the other thing that's on my mind is Camp Firwood this summer.

 

 

 

Monday
April 8, 1974
Spring Vacation

What a dull, boring, uneventful day. The only thing I did was go down to Karen's for the afternoon, sitting listening to records while she worked on her sewing. Dad's in an all-time terrible mood. I can't even stand to be around him, so I'm hiding here in my bedroom. No mail today, darn it ... I'm on pins and needles, waiting to see if my registration for Camp Firwood has been accepted. Also I'm expecting letters from Mark, Dee Dee & Janet, plus my new issue of Campus Life.

(Oh, now watch -- I bet Dad starts screaming at me about the dishes.)

Ed called this morning around 10 or so -- didn't have anything interesting to say, just "Hi, how are you?" and all that. I told him I've been sick the past few days, so that got me off the hook.

 

 

Tuesday
April 9, 1974

Boy, I tell ya ... reading the Bible can sure give you a spiritual lift! A few minutes ago I prayed that Shelly and me might be drawn together as closely as we used to be - and then moments later He gave me this promise in Hebrews 11 - "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for ... He rewards those who seek Him."

This has been such an ordinary day, yet I feel such a sense of peace tonight ... I feel love, spreading throughout me, warming me, filling me. Who do I love? Shelly? Ed? Wally? Mike? Karen? Dad? Yes, yes, everybody!! And most of all I love Jesus. And not in an Eric Cartman sort of way, either.  I was really sincere about this stuff.

 

 

Wednesday night
April 10, 1974

It's really late and I'm super-tired ... but I feel like I need to write a little before I turn in.

Grandpa Vert is terribly sick, so I'm spending the night with Grandma in case she needs me. So far it's been peaceful and uneventful. I'm sleeping upstairs in my old bedroom, and it brings back so many happy, fond memories ... after all, I spent eleven years in this little room. I'm listening to the radio, reading, eating fig bars and ginger ale, and just relaxing. I'd forgotten how big and comfortable my old bed was.

This wasn't too bad a day. I was up until 2:30 last night watching "Wuthering Heights," the late-late movie, so I was totally zonked out until around noon. When I finally did get up and drag myself out of bed, I was little more than a zombie ... absolutely no energy. The house was a mess, but I just couldn't seem to muster the strength to clean. Just as I was beginning to wake up, Karen dropped in unexpectedly. While we listened to old Bing Crosby records and chattered about Wally and Mike, I finally cleaned up the living room and the kitchen. We made super-deluxe-tuna sandwiches for lunch, and Karen got my mail for me -- a tiny book of Easter prayers that Grandma and Grandpa mailed to me. They lived two blocks away, but still they mailed me things on special occasions.  I miss my grandparents. Then we went down to her house and spent an "exciting" afternoon playing games and watching drippy soap operas & re-runs on TV (Jan Brady was allergic to Tiger). I beat her in one game of Battleship and four straight games of Avalanche. Wipeout!

After dinner I washed my hair and got all ready for church, but when Don & Diane didn't show up to give me a ride (to Shelly's church), I walked over to my old church instead. But at the last minute I chickened out - panic stricken at the thought of having to face all those people I haven't seen in so many weeks -- so I turned around and started walking back home. While I was walking, these two guys in a little silver sports car drove past me. The driver, a frumpy looking guy with round, owl-like glasses and bushy hair, turned to look at me. They drove down the block a little ways, and turned around, driving slowly. My heart was thudding heavily. As they slowly went past me again, I could see Bushy Hair's companion, a not-too-bad-looking blond who looked around 19 or 20. "Stay cool," I said to myself when they were only inches away. I looked at the cute one, hanging out of the open window. He smiled at me and said, "So good I had to come back and get a second look." 

I smiled at him and kept walking.

"Hey sweetheart!" he yelled, and I turned around. "Do you want to come over and play some pool?" he asked. I talked to him for a few minutes, he asked me my name & how old I was, and where I lived. It turns out he lives (get this) right in back of our house! I mean, I can reach across the little wire fence out in the backyard and touch his house. That's how close it is. Oh, his name is Wayne. He asked for my phone number but for some reason I panicked. I gave him Karen's phone number instead, because hers was the only one that came to mind quick enough. Dumb. Oh well, I figure if he's interested enough - which he seems to be, he seemed very sincere ( I was such an excellent judge of character) he'll try again. After all, I practically live in his back yard.

After I got home, Ed came over for about 15 minutes. I don't know what he did to his hair, but it looked terrific. He finally got his car running, after working on it for weeks & weeks, so he wanted to show off by taking me for a ride. I guess we were only together about 5 minutes, because he has a new job & had to get back to work. I was in a great mood, but him ... well.

 

 

 

Thursday 3:30
April 11, 1974

I've spent the whole day here at Grandma's. I thought I'd be leaving this morning, but she seemed to take it for granted that I'd be staying all day, maybe even another night. It's been a long, boring, uneventful day. Since last night I've finished two books, watched endless game shows on TV, eaten two scanty meals, and fumbled over the piano, and now I'm groping around for something to do. I wish I weren't so darned worried about Shelly, and why she isn't speaking to me anymore ... it's ruining my whole Spring Vacation.

Later:

Ate dinner.

 
 

 

Friday
April 12, 1974
Spring Vacation

Songs recorded off the radio:

• Tubular Bells KING 9:55 p.m.
• Oh My My (Ringo Starr) KOL 10:10 p.m.
• Star Baby (Guess Who) KING 10:16 p.m.
• I'm A Train (Albert Hammond) KOL 10:35 p.m.

Dad and me had the most terrible, horrible fight last night when I got home from Karen's. We were screaming at each other, swearing, call each other names ... I said stuff like, "I don't give a shit what you think!" and "I hate you, just get out of here, I don't want to see your ugly face!" I was so upset, I went to bed shaking and I couldn't stop crying. I was sure I would be grounded forever.

(Today) I spent the day cleaning the house until it sparkled ... gave Lawnmower a bath, cleaned my room (it needed it) ... and when Dad came home, it seemed like he'd forgotten all about last night.

Karen came over around 6:00 and stayed for two hours. It was really fun, just like old times. I'm glad we're growing close again; I have really needed the companionship. She brought her "At The Hop" album set, and I taped the whole thing. We walked down to the store - just for the heck of it - the weather is so clear and fine, it feels like summer. Also, we baked a two-layer white cake and listened to "Marcy" albums.

Dad's night off, so I'm up late, taping songs off the radio.

I'm lonely for Clarence.

Ed didn't call all day or night - which makes me a LITTLE worried -- but not much. Not enough to ruin my evening, anyway. Maybe he had to work?

Like I said, I'm lonely for the old times, when I was with Clarence. I'm still in love with him, and I miss him like hell. There have been other times when I've missed him like this ... when he ran away, or when I went to camp for two weeks ... but there was a difference. Those times I still had his love, and I knew that we'd be together again. This time I have nothing. I can hope and dream, of course, but it seems so futile. It seems like I'll never have him back again. A bitter pill to swallow, but one that I've got to face. I'm ruining my whole life, sitting around, wasting time, clinging to the past. I still love him, but he feels nothing at all for me.

I LOVE HIM!!

I look at pictures of him while I listen to songs that we used to like, and it breaks my heart. Every line, every mole, every dimple on his face are as familiar to me as my own ... I want to reach into that photograph and touch his cheek, carress his hair ... show him my love again ...

 

 

Saturday
April 13, 1974

I feel lonely. It's almost 7:30 on a Saturday night, and Ed hasn't called me yet. As a matter of fact, I haven't heard from him AT ALL since last Wednesday night. Hey Ed -- what's going ON??

It's a beautiful evening, the night before Easter ... sunny and clear and warm, and I feel like going out and having fun and loving somebody ... not like sitting here in a stuffy bedroom, watching TV and eating more cake ...

Grandma and Grandpa took me Easter shopping at Lamont's, bought me two new spring dresses, a pair of white sandals, a beige jacket, and a new purse. Pretty, pretty. Grandpa's feeling a lot better.

Later (10 minutes to 8):

It's getting later and later, and with every passing moment I grow more depressed.

More later (11:10 p.m.)

OK, everything's cool. Ed called at 8:30, and then he came over for a little while with his cousin, Cliff. He could only stay half an hour, but still that's better than nothing. He couldn't stay any longer than that because he had to go spend the night at his cousin's house. We three sat in my room, watching "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," saying very little to one another.

Every time I see Ed I get more confused. I've been saying these past few weeks that what I feel for him is nothing more than friendship, or slight interest. Like maybe he's only a temporary diversion, someone to keep me from being lonely on Saturday nights.

Maybe so.

But when he held me in his arms tonight, saying goodbye ... held me close and tight, and I buried my face in his shoulder, my brain whirling in confusion -- I don't know HOW to explain my feelings for him. Love? I doubt it. Friendship? No way. Something in between ...

It just feels so good to be in someone's arms again.

 

 

 

Sunday
April 14, 1974
Easter

It's real, real late ... Ed stayed later than usual ... and I have to get up early for school tomorrow, so I don't have much time to write.

A quick rundown on today. This was a BEAUTIFUL day ... sun shining, warm and breezy, perfect for sunbathing. I woke up at a little after 9, hopped out of bed and got all ready for church. I wore one of my new dresses, and church was beautiful. Everyone was so dressed up & looked so nice ... Karen and me sat upstairs with John, Jerry and Belinda. The choir sang "The Hallelujah Chorus," one of my all-time goosebumpy favorites. After church Sue Phillips gave Karen and me a ride to Karen's house. After Karen changed into some cut-offs and an old T-shirt, we walked up to my house so I could change too. Dad was busy washing and waxing the car, so he didn't care what I was doing. I put on some old sloppy clothes, then went back down to Karen's. It was so gorgeous out that we sat in her backyard on an old sheet and played games, listening to the radio and soaking up some of that sun. Karen's mom asked us to walk to the store and buy some mayonnaise, so we put on some shoes and walked over. I stayed for dinner at Karen's -- we had chicken, potato salad, deviled eggs and mixed vegetables.

About an hour after dinner, I finally came home and got ready (to go to Shelly's) church. It was boring, even more so than usual, but both Terry and Shelly talked to me so neither of them is mad at me. Relief. Shelly is definitely going with Dave Darling now. (She married him in 1976, and as far as I know they're still married, some thirty years later.)

I got home from church at 8:15, and at 9:00 Ed came over. It so good to hear from (?) - no, I mean, SEE him. He stayed until 11, and since Dad was busy typing in his radio room, we sat out in the living room, our arms wrapped around each other, watching TV.

What a day.

 

 

Monday
April 15, 1974

Party started this morning (6 days early) and I had to stay home with SEVERE cramps. Missing Ed.

 

 

Tuesday
April 16, 1974

It's about quarter after seven, and I'm just sitting here in my room, with my freshly-washed hair, listening to my "At The Hop" tape and wishing he'd call me. Seems like I spend half my life "just sitting around my room, waiting for Him to call." I don't think he will, for two reasons:

1. I hung up on him last night after our millionth argument

2. He's probably SUPER MAD that I didn't come to school again today. We were supposed to have a test in 1st period and I promised him I'd show up, so I could help him.

I don't know WHY I stayed home, really, except that I was so tired when the alarm clock rang at 6:15 this morning ... couldn't drag myself out of the ol' sack. I didn't even get up till noon. Dad was home, too, with the flu, so I had to stay quiet. 

The nightly ritual of washing my hair in the kitchen sink
1974

 

My first drug experience. (Midol and Vivarin don't count.)

Friday
April 19, 1974

A lot of things have happened since Tuesday, but I feel so heartsick & depressed, I'm not going to be very big on details.

1. Ed and me have broken up for good. He was VERY MAD at me when I didn't show up at school to help him on the test -- in fact, mad isn't the word. When I walked into class on Wednesday, he made a point of getting up and sitting in the back of the room, in his old seat. When Scott M. said "Don't you like Terri anymore?," he said, "Brilliant deduction."

We haven't said a word to each other these past few days, except I smiled at him this morning when him and Scott were teasing me -- and once I heard him say something about how he "doesn't know why Terri's mad at me - she's the one who hung up on me," and how I didn't apologize. Of course I was too proud and stubborn and arrogant to say I was sorry and settle it all. I've resigned myself to the fact that it's over, all over, that I won't be seeing any more of him - ever. And that makes me feel terrible.

Yesterday Shelly and me dropped a hit of mescaline right before second period. We bought it from this guy we both know for $2.00 a hit, and it's the newer, grape-flavored kind. It took me 3 hours to get really high, and then it lasted for a good, long time. It was super neat! I got high right at the beginning of Study Hall, and I know that Wally was watching me curiously, he probably thought I was really freaking out. I WAS! Everything started moving in slow motion; I kept seeing pink snowflakes on the Biology classroom walls, and kept smiling at the thoughts whirling around in my head. It was really beautiful!

After school I was still pretty high, so Karen and me went to the baseball game, Glacier vs. Evergreen. We talked to a lot of people. I went home with Karen, and by the time I got to her house - around 6:00 - I had come down almost all the way. I discovered I was RAVENOUS! So we ate some beef soup and bread, watched some TV, talked about this and that.

Shel and me each dropped half a hit during lunch, but I didn't get off at all.

 

 

Saturday
April 20, 1974

A long, lonely afternoon spent cleaning my room, washing my hair with egg whites, wondering what Ed's doing right now, and feeling awful. Shelly came over and visited for a while - we talked about mescaline, David, Wally, Terry M., and the Coffeehouse tonight. It's going to be a terrible bore, but it's better than sitting around at home by myself.

 

 

Sunday
April 21, 1974

I'm looking for someone to change my life
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me
To lose the love I knew ... 
~ The Moody Blues

 

 

Monday
April 22, 1974

I took some money to school today so I could buy some mesc off of Steve, but wouldn't you know it -- he isn't selling it anymore. Damn. I was counting on getting it!

Life is bearable, sort of. Sometimes I feel horrible, bored, lonely, frustrated ... as though I can't stand living in this crummy world one more second. And other times I feel great.

Ed is being a real asshole, and it's almost gotten to the point where I can't stand him. He pesters me during 1st period, tells Scott to tell me things like "Ed said to tell you he loves you." Makes me sick. In a way I miss him; but I think that I miss the relationship more than the person himself. Which means that as soon as I can hook up with another guy -- preferably someone cute, attentive and considerate -- I'll be happy again.

Two candidates. Good ol' Wally, whom I still have a mad crush on, and this adorable junior named Mark Videen. Mark's been talking to me a lot lately, and today he even came up to me in the lunch line and put his arm around me, asking me for cuts. I would LOVE to get together with him!!! Maybe.

 

 

Wednesday
April 24, 1974

Sometimes I just don't understand myself. Take today. It's a cold, rainy, miserable Wednesday afternoon, and I'm snuggled here in the confines of my warm and cozy bedroom, listening to the radio and unwinding after a tough day. Anyway. Today was a better-than-average day ... good mood, my clothes looked OK, I talked to a lot of people.

But why am I so happy?

For no reason at all that I can see, I feel all glowy and happy inside, as though something neat happened today, or as if I was looking forward to something special. I've lost my boyfriend. That alone is usually enough to send me into hysterics -- not to have a guy around, someone to lean on and count on and feel secure around. Ed and me are split for good ... I've burned all my bridges behind me. But for some reason it doesn't bother me. I realize the truth now - that I "miss the relationship more than the person."

And another thing -- about Wally. The truth is coming out now. Him and me will never get together. For one, he just plain doesn't like girls -- that's what people keep telling me. Not only that, if he did start liking me, it probably wouldn't work out ... once I was around him I wouldn't have the foggiest notion what to say or do.  Wally stumbled across *FootNotes* a few years back, and instantly became a loyal reader.  Through our occasional e-mail correspondence, he assured me that the rumor about him 'not liking girls' in high school was VERY not true  ...  he was just shy.  :)

I talked to Mike Heater again today. I haven't seen him for a few weeks, and I'd decided that he'd forgotten all about me. He came into Study Hall today and sat down right behind me, and him, me, Rhonda, Norm and Doug had a really good time, talking and laughing about everything. Mike got the news that Ed and I have split up, and he was asking a lot of questions. That's when I informed him that I would "never go back with Ed." See -- burning bridges? Anyway, this isn't meant in a conceited way, but it sounded as though he was trying to subtly find out if I was available. Like maybe he wants to ask me out. Wouldn't that be neat!

And -- GET THIS -- he said he was thinking of asking me to the Prom, which was last weekend, but he "thought (Ed) would get mad." !!!!!

So many things tumbling across my brain ... Christy's problems with John, who wants to get back together with her ... Pam Young getting married on Saturday ... Shelly suddenly being nice to me again, as though nothing had ever happened ... wishing I could get some mesc, but wondering if I should ... Tim Baker, the guy in the locker next to mine, always being so funny & sweet ... Wally's brother Joe talking to me today for a second ... wondering if I dare wear a dress to school? ...

 

 

Thursday 6:20 p.m.
April 25, 1974
Hands numb from cold, "sniffle"

NOW what am I supposed to think?

After school tonight Karen and me went to Glacier's baseball game against Mt. Rainier. We were just sitting there in the bleachers, freezing, when a familiar black Mustang pulled into the parking lot a few feet away. It was Mark Videen, and when I saw him my heart started going a few thousand beats faster. For a long time he just sat there in his car with his friend, watching the game, while I burned with curiousity. What was he talking about? Could he see me? What did he think of me? I wanted to go talk to him, but I was too shy!

After a while, about halfway through the game, he finally got out of his car. Karen and I had been eyeing him the whole time, watching his every movement, and now she shouted, "MARK!" He came over and climbed up on the bleachers and SAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!! We talked and talked, about this & that, and he was so sweet. I've just about flipped, and I don't know what to do.

I don't even know what he thinks of me! To him, I might just be some girl he talked to occasionally. Or maybe he likes me! I WISH I KNEW!

Later:

Oh no!!! I can't believe this, but ... about an hour ago, guess who called me? MIKE HEATER !!! And he ASKED ME OUT!!

 

 

Friday
April 26, 1974

It's past one in the morning and I'm dead tired, but I have to tell you what happened. I went out with Mark tonight!! Details tomorrow, OK? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4/27/74

OK, here's the exciting details of my date last night with Mark. I still can't believe it all happened!!

It all started after school yesterday, when Karen and me decided to go to the track meet at Highline Memorial Stadium. We were fishing around, trying to get a ride over to the stadium, so finally I ended up calling Grandpa, who was more than happy to give us a lift. We got there about 3:15. The track meet was already in progress. A little dazed by the number of people there, we wandered around until we spotted Robin Smith & Terry Mitchell. I was looking all over the place for Mark, but it was hard to single him out of the dozens and dozens of dark-haired guys in grey sweat suits. AS it turned out, he found me -- came up to us and started talking, paying particular attention to me.

After the meet his friends gave us a ride home, and it was then that he asked the "Big Question." I was riding in the back seat between him & Karen, when all of a sudden he started talking to me in a quiet voice.

Mark: Terri?
Me: (pretending I didn't hear him)
Mark: Terri?
Me: Yeah?
Mark: Have you seen "The Exorcist" yet?
Me: No, but I hope to, whenever I get the chance.
Mark: D'ya wanna go tonight?
Me: (in a state of shock) Yeah!

It was one of the funnest dates ever. The movie was fantastic -- a little gross, granted! -- but entertaining nevertheless. I've been dying to see it anyway. Mark and me got along super well. We talked, about anything & everything, and it seemed to me that we could really communicate easily. And he's so POLITE. He stood up when Dad came into the room, opened all my doors for me, even the car door! What a gentleman! He put his arm around me during the show, which was unexpected but nice ... and after the movie we went to Sambo's and had a strawberry sundae.

I kept remembering my first date, with David Darling earlier this year. It was a movie date too, and afterwards we went for ice cream, just like Mark and me did ... but compared to last night, it was SHITTY. (Pardon my French.)

At the front porch, fortunately, he didn't try to kiss me. I mean, I'm just not quite ready to rush headlong into another involved relationship, and I think he senses that.

Right now it's nearly midnight on a Saturday night. I'm sitting here in my pigpen, listening to the radio and waiting for Karen to get off the phone. She's spending the night tonight, and right now she's talking to this 19 year old guy named Bob McGeehee that we "met" on Hotline earlier this evening. They've been talking for 2-1/2 hours altogether, but I don't mind. Mark called this afternoon around 5:30, just to talk. That settles it in my mind -- he must be interested in me. Wow!  But --- cry, sob -- Mike Heater didn't call me at all. Maybe he had to work? (I hope) For some reason, he's the one I've been thinking about today, even more than Mark. I'm looking forward to our date on the 10th!

Wow, now I've got the attention of BOTH of the guys I've been eyeing. What an ego-builder! And both of them are good looking and attentive, with jobs, lots of money, lots of experience with girls, drivers licenses, cars, and both of them are older than me. JACKPOT!

Karen is now madly in love with Terry. I think they'd probably make a good couple, they're so much alike it's ridiculous ... but Shelly doesn't think so. She says she "knows Terry" (she certainly does) and that he "isn't her type." Hmmm. We'll just have to see about that, won't we? Because I think she's perfect for him (he's perfect for her?) (Whatever.)

 

 

Sunday April 28, 1974
Shelly's 16th birthday

This is the last time I'll be writing in you, Ledger. A comfortable Sunday morning ... Karen has gone home already, and since it's only a little past ten, I'm still in bed, sipping hot chocolate, listening to the radio ("Sundown," Gordon Lightfoot) and feeling all right.

FAVORITE SONGS DURING THIS LEDGER:

"The Lord's Prayer" - Sister Janet Meade
"Star Baby" - The Guess Who
"Let The Show Go On" - Three Dog Night
"Tubular Bells (Theme From ‘The Exorcist')"
"Rock & Roll Band" - Bjorn & Benny
"Locomotion" - Grand Funk
"Dance With The Devil" - Cosey Powell
"The Air That I Breathe" - The Hollies

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