& April 1974
Age 16, Spring of 10th Grade
"Everything started moving in slow
motion; I kept seeing pink snowflakes on the Biology
and I kept smiling at the thoughts whirling around in my head. It was
all boys, all the time.
March 2, 1974
typical Saturday evening ... I don't have any special plans, so I'm
staying home and spending a pleasant evening in my room, watching TV,
writing in my new ledger, eating, listening to records, etc. etc. Dad
is in his radio room typing. I feel restless this evening. RESTLESS!
I'm confused, mixed-up about
who I like. Maybe if I outline it all out,
it'll make more sense to me:
Davidson (a boy from
Shelly's church) is in love with me. Really! But I only
him a Christian brother, a dear friend ... no more. I'm worried about
M., a guy one grade
ahead of me, likes me now ... or so says Shelly's
Rob. Has it that John (quote) "really has a crush on you." Hmm.
I have a big, big, big,
crush on Wally, a junior guy in my Study Hall class. I'm not sure if he
likes me, but I DO know that he watches me a lot.
Friday, Bill Loken, a gorgeous guy in my History class, told Colleen to
tell me he likes me. He's super neat-o, super-cool, (yes,
I actually said stuff like
"super neat-o, super cool") and I wouldn't
mind being his girlfriend ... BUT. I don't know if he really means it!
Or if he was just kidding?
you can see what a muddle I'm
in. Of course David D. is TOTALLY off my list. He was the first
boy I ever
went out on a "real" date with, a week and one day ago. We
see "The Sting," with Paul Newman & Robert Redford. Even though
was the best movie I've ever seen, I had a terrible time on the
date. David was withdrawn and introverted
talk to me, kept completely to himself. Halfway through the movie,
while I had my hands hidden under my coat so he wouldn't try to hold
them, I suddenly realized that I didn't have any romantic feelings
toward him at all. In fact, I
felt almost sick when I realized what I'd gotten myself into, and I
wondered how the heck I was going to get out of it. Fortunately, I
didn't have to do anything. Our "relationship" (or whatever it was)
dissolved naturally the next day, and I was free. What a good feeling.
I am, wondering and
wondering about Wally & Bill. Let me tell you a little bit
both of them. Wally is a junior at my school. I used to have a little
bit of a crush on his brother Joe, but I didn't even know who
Wally was. Then one night Shelly (my best friend) and me were at a
basketball game at school, and I saw Wally's name listed on the program
of players. I nudged Shelly. "Take a look at Number 33," I said.
"That's Joe Hall's brother," she said. I was surprised; they don't look
anything alike. Anyway, he's in my 5th period Study
class. In fact, that's where I first really noticed him. I sit in the
front of the room with my friends, and he sits in the back playing
cards with his friends ... and one day I noticed him staring at me.
When I saw him looking at me, a funny, tingly feeling shot through me.
That was when it started. Just that simple.
to the way I first fell in love with Kenny Robbins, 2 years ago!)
Since then I've discovered
that his 1st period history class is
directly across the lawn from my 1st period Shakespeare
class ... so every morning I spend 55 blissful
minutes staring at him, watching him do his assignment, and he watches
me talking to my friends. Also, every afternoon during lunch, Shelly
and me go into the empty Study Hall classroom to drink our milkshakes
and listen to the radio, and guess who always "just happens" to come
in?? Wally (and his friend Mike). They always come in and
play cards a few desks away from us, and I can feel him watching me
many people know about my crush on Wally. Shelly knows, of course, and
Karen ... also Rhonda Ryckman, the girl I sit by in Study Hall, and
Shelly's brother. Other than that it's a Big Secret.
about Bill. Like I said, he's in my 4th period Social Studies class. I
never really noticed him, since he sits in the back of the room with
his friends, except maybe to observe that "he's cute!" He is ...
there's no two ways about it. Dark hair, sorta dark complexion with BIG
brown eyes and a neat smile ... a real dream. Anyway, I never paid a
whole lot of attention to him until this past week. I wasn't sure if it
was my imagination or not, but it seemed like every time I walked into
History, or happened to look in his direction, he was always WATCHING
me. I don't mean to sound conceited, but a girl can usually tell if a
guy is interested in her - and it seemed like this guy was.
I noticed something else: every time I turned and caught him looking at
me, he'd always turn away real fast & look embarrassed, and
he'd mutter something to his friends (Ed & Byron) and then
they'd ALL watch me. They'd be talking about me, and following me with
their eyes - if I went to throw something away, walked over to my desk,
left the room for a sec, etc. etc. So I had a pretty good hunch that
something was up.
the end of the class period on Friday, when we were in our Project
Groups, they started yelling at Colleen to come over to their table.
They talked to her for about 5 minutes, and though I carefully avoided
looking at them, I knew what they were talking about. I'm not dumb or
blind! I could see them looking at me while they talked. When Colleen
stood up and started walking back to her seat next to mine, I heard
Bill say to her, "See who gets more embarrassed, her or me."
came over and sat down and said "Terri, Bill L. told me to tell you
that he's madly in love with you, he thinks you're a FOX." Actually, at
that point I didn't know
what "fox" meant. I had a vague idea that it was
probably a compliment, but I wasn't 100% sure. I
was so flustered -- I didn't know what to say or do or anything. Mike
& Rick were sitting right there listening to every word,
so all I could think to say was "So?" Like I didn't even care. All I
could think was, "Mike is Wally's
best friend, and I can't say that I
like Bill or else he'll tell Wally, and then Wally will never
like me." Then Colleen said, "Doesn't that make you feel happy?"
like an insolent, indifferent little BITCH I said "Who's Bill?" Like
I didn't know who he was. LIES! LIES! I KNEW VERY WELL WHO HE
WAS!! But I was just covering my embarrassment.
pointed him out. "That guy sitting over there by Ed and Byron, with the
silver coat and the dark hair." He smiled at me, and I laughed.
CAN BE SO DUMB.
I have to wait until Monday to find out if he likes me, or if he was
just trying to get a rise out of me, or if I wrecked it with my
"couldn't care less" attitude. Until then all I can do is sit around
and think about him, and Wally, and John, and Mike ...
that same night:
it! Damn, damn, damn. Why did he have to call me and ruin my good
11:30 at night, and a few minutes ago Carl Hallagin called me. He's
Clarence's house, along with Tim O'Brien, and he started off our
conversation by saying, "Clarence is sorry for what happened, and he
wants to get back with you." I was startled, and for one second I was
sucked in ... but then I remembered that Carl is the world's most
convincing liar, and I replied, "I think you're full of shit." In the
background I could hear Clarence yelling, "I WOULDN'T GET BACK WITH HER
IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!" Wonderful. Carl and me chit-chatted for a
few minutes, about assorted this & that ... how long his hair
was getting, how he's going to join the Marines, etc. etc. He was
pretty nice, surprisingly, but now he's got me thinking about Clarence
midnight, and for some reason I'm still up and running around, playing
my music full blast and "whooping it up." The hell with Clarence and
his jerky friends. I refuse to let them ruin my good mood! Dad and his
friend Frank (Dusbabek) are talking on the radio, across the hall.
correction: they just took off for some party, said they'd be back "in
about an hour." So here I am alone in this house ...
March 3, 1974
writing this early in the morning, the next day.
called Don & Diane a few minutes ago and asked them not to pick
me up for church, using the flimsy excuse that "I don't feel good."
Actually, that's not the real reason. Right now I'm just laying here in
bed, listening to the ticking of my alarm clock and the gentle rumbling
of the heater, the only sounds in this house. Dad is out like a light -
his big night last night really did him in.
have very definite plans for this day.
Wednesday was my brother's 15th birthday. Dad promised that he'd pick
up a present for him this weekend, one that we could both give him.
Dick was so thrilled when I told him that Dad was actually going to
give him a birthday present, that now I don't have the heart to tell
him that Dad welched out at the last minute, as usual. Damn him! His
attitude toward Dick -- his callous, senseless indifference
-- is the one thing that really makes me hate Dad sometimes.
When Dick lived here, Dad always treated him like shit, and I hated it! I was glad
to see Dick move out last summer, for his sake ...
he's a lot happier living with Mom & Ken. I miss him like
crazy, of course, but it's better for him this way. Anyway. Dad, that
stupid bastard, said that he isn't going to buy Dick anything until he
"learns a few manners," whatever the hell that's supposed to
mean. He made up some lie about how Dick called here and hung up on
him. That's just a lot of shit, because I know Dick, and I know he
wouldn't do anything like that. So, today I'm going to walk down to
Boulevard Park and pick up two birthday gifts for him -- one from me
and one (supposedly) from Dad. Why I'm covering for this asshole, I'll
never know, except that I love my brother too much to want to see him
I followed through with my plans and spent most of the day (and all of
my money!) at Mom's, even stayed for dinner. I met my two
step-brothers, Ronny (7) and Pat (11). They're little angels!
can't wait for school tomorrow, because I'm dying to find out how Bill
feels about me. For some reason I haven't been able to get him out of
my mind all weekend. I asked Mom if she knew Bill (he went to
Puget when mom was working there as a special librarian). Not only does
she know him, she works with his mom! They're good friends! Wow, what a
coincidence. I told her that him and me are sorta going together.
March 4, 1974
was the super-terrific, neat-o day that I KNEW it would be! And I have
this feeling that tomorrow might be even better! (I hope, I hope)
before I begin with all the exciting details, two or three
I'm in an unusually good mood. Could be because I'm (sort of) in love.
Or because "that time of the month" is over with for 28 blissful days.
Or because I finally have David out of my hair. Or a combination of
Bill is very
shy. So far.
I'm trying not to lose my head or my senses in this relationship. I
want this one to last!
so they say
Is but a game, and they've let it slip away
Love, so they say
Should be dying
But it's only just begun
Seals & Crofts, "We May Never Pass This Way Again" --
can't help but wonder: are Bill and me going to get together? If so,
when? How? Will I be able to talk to him, or will we both clam up and
come on with the frigid, uncomfortable-around-each-other bit? What is
he like inside? I mean, what does he think about? What is he interested
in? (besides me, ha ha ha) What kind of guy is he? Will he use me? Will
we ever really get to know each other? Will we love each other? If so,
how far will we end up going? How will it end? When will it end? Will
my heart ache for him months & months after we've broken up,
the way it aches (still, sometimes) for Clarence?
can see us together. I mean, I think I can imagine what it would be
Will we share a bag of orange circus
I'm being stupid. Maybe it won't work out at all, or only for a week or
so. Maybe it WILL, though. Maybe ... ?
enough rambling romanticism ... down to the nitty gritty details. Start
at the beginning.
likes me, for sure ... I heard it over and over today, from various
sources. First of all, during 1st period Shakespeare, Shelly and me
were just sitting there at our desks by the window, talking and
watching Wally and stuff, and a couple of feet away Ed Hruby was
on the radiator with Norm. I was dying to ask Ed something about Billy
- anything, even something as obvious as "Who's that guy you sit by in
History?" Fortunately I didn't get the chance to make an utter fool out
of myself. Ed and Norm were talking, and all of a sudden I heard Ed
say, "Yah, Loken's madly in love." I froze, pretending to be struck
deaf, dumb and blind while Ed discreetly pointed me out to Norman. They
discussed me in whispers so I wouldn't know they were talking about me.
was staring at me from his classroom, even more than usual. It made my
heart twinge, because in a way I still have my crush on him. I still
think he's super cool.
else great happened until Algebra, third period. I was sitting at my
desk, combing my hair and getting out my assignment, when Charles
Doug Espeseth and David C. all walked in. They're juniors, and they sit
front of me in class. Usually they ignore me, engrossed in their
conversations about cars and friends, but today the first thing Charles
said when he walked in was, "Hey, Bill Loken likes you!" I didn't know
what to say! So I put down my pencil and smiled in embarrassment and
said, "If one more person tells me that, I'll go crazy!" Then I said,
"How do you know?"
he TOLD me!" said Charles. We talked for a good part of the hour, about
Bill & Wally & me & EVERYTHING. They were being
so nice to me, I couldn't believe it! And during the hour I learned
several vitally important facts, such as:
Bill has a car!!! Yay!
He used to go with (two popular junior girls)
Wally doesn't like girls! At least that's what Charles says.
the end of the hour, the last thing Chuck said was, "Is he gonna take
you out on Friday?" I was busy putting on my coat and I just mumbled "I
don't know." As he walked out the door, he said "OK, I'll tell him you
said you don't want to go out with him."
"NO, DON'T!" I screamed
him, but he was gone. He was only kidding anyway.
came fateful fourth period ... the only class I have with Bill. My
heart was pounding when I walked through the door - I couldn't even
bring myself to look at him. In fact, I didn't look at him at all
during the whole class, except for once at the very end when he wasn't
looking. He didn't say a word to me, either, but all period long I
could hear him, Ed and Byron talking to each other about me. Once I
heard Ed say to him, "Why don't you ask her out, Bill?" I couldn't hear
his reply to that one, too bad. Another Ed-to-Bill comment: "Is it true
you're madly in love, Bill?" and Billy said, "Yah, Ed." And one thing
Bill said to Ed: "Write her a note for me, Ed!"
lunch only one really neat thing happened, and that was when Shelly and
me were walking down the hall. Charlie and his friends walked by and
Charlie said, "Hey, he's gonna ask you out!" I laughed and said "Oh
sure," and he said "You wanna make a bet about it?" So that really
makes me wonder ...
Hall was an absolute BLAST! ! ! ! FUNNER THAN EVER! Everyone, all the
junior guys that are in that popular group, were being so nice and
attentive. They were teasing me about Bill, Wally was watching my every
move (I KNOW he likes me) and throwing pencils at me ... when I turned
around to glower at him, he gave me the BIGGEST smile.
spending the night at Shelly's again. All I can think about is Bill.
was wrong -- this day wasn't
better. In fact, it was kind of a let-down in a lot of ways.
March 12, 1974
is being written a week later. A lot has happened within the past seven
days -- so much, in fact, that I don't want to get bogged down by the
details, so I'll be brief.
going out with Ed Hruby now. Strange, but true. He started calling me
week (he says he got my number from Chuck), and then he asked me out.
We went to the movies on Saturday night - we saw "American Graffiti" at
Renton Cinema II. He was holding my hand, and afterwards we went and
parked down at the Renton Loop. Didn't get home until quarter to 2, but
Dad had a bunch of friends over and they were all drinking, so he was
in a jovial mood & didn't care.
go home for lunch with Ed every day now, and usually after school too.
He calls me constantly, and whenever we're together he always has his
arm around me, is always super-attentive.
here's the terrible part: I'm not sure if I like him.
a real neat guy ... I've always thought (since I was in 8th grade
& he was in 9th at Sunset) that he was one of the cutest boys
I'd ever seen in my life. And I know he likes me.
still have a crush on that big goof Wally, a big crush that won't go
away. I know it's futile, asinine, RIDICULOUS to hang on like this, but
I can't help it. I see him every day, and it just about drives me
March 14, 1974
Bill gave me a ride home from school today. I was supposed to go
over to Ed's right after school, but at the last minute I chickened out
& took off before he could find me. As I was walking home, Bill
went roaring past me in his old Rambler, with a bunch of guys. When he
saw me he turned around in someone's driveway and came roaring back up
the street towards me, shouting "Do you want a ride home?" I was only
about a block from home, but I couldn't resist. I ended up sitting
right next to him, and we had an interesting little conversation. He
asked me how me and Ed were getting along?
you suppose maybe they flipped a coin over me or something ...?
he dropped me off I started getting all these wild ideas about how
maybe Bill really does like me, and maybe he'll take me out ... it took
me a couple of hours to shake it.
came over tonight. We sat on the couch, watching TV with Dad and
holding hands, and it reminded me so much of me & Clarence that
it hurt! It made me remember so many little things that I'd forgotten,
like the way Clarence used to tickle the back of my neck, or the way I
had to endure Dad's dull boring TV shows, waiting for him to go to bed
so I could be alone with my boyfriend. Sometimes I can't help but
compare Ed to Clarence.
After Dad went to bed we had the living room to ourselves. We turned
off the lights and turned down the TV, and lay on the couch together.
Nothing spectacularly dirty, just holding each other close and a lot of
long, involved kissing. He was getting stirred, I could tell - going
with Clarence for eight months taught me how to tell. He left at a
little past midnight.
Hanging out in my
March 15, 1974
Of all people to make a pass at me - Charles Laird ??? I just can't
is on restrictions for getting home so late last night, so he couldn't
come over or go out anywhere. I was talking to him on the phone at 7:30
and he was in a SOUR mood, calling his dad all the profane names in the
book. Just then Chuck came over to his house, and after about 15
minutes we got the bright idea of having Chuck come over to my house
and pick me up on his motorcycle, to take me to Ed's house. I rushed
and got "gussied up" and in 5 minutes I heard his motorcycle roar into
the three of us just goofed around in Ed's room for a while, talking
and laughing. When the two of them get together, they are SO FUNNY.
had to leave. He said he'd be back to pick me up around 10:30, so until
then it was just Ed and me alone in his room. We sat on his bed
watching TV, eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi; nothing too passionate,
just had our arms around each other. It was fun in a pleasantly boring
came back and we left at 5 minutes to 11. We were roaring down 24th,
and I was LOVING it - riding on a motorcycle is the best!! - when all
of a sudden he asked me if I wanted to "go to the airport." I said
Sure, OK -- I was in no mood for the ride to end - he was Ed's best
friend, after all, so I figured I could trust him. We went up there,
and I just about shit my pants when I realized we had just pulled into
one of the most infamous necking spots in Seattle. I had NO IDEA that's
what he'd had in mind!
Honest to God. To this day (30+ years
I can still remember the shock I felt when I realized what was going
on. When he suggested "going to the airport," *I* thought he
meant Let's ride around a while longer on my groovy fast
motorcycle. Naive 16-year-old Terri didn't recognize it as a
euphemism for Let's go the airport and park so I can put my
hand up your sweater
... at least, not until we actually GOT
Naturally I had him take me home the instant I understood what was
happening. In retrospect, I think he was probably
as embarrassed by the whole thing as I was: for the rest of the time we
went to high school together, he never looked me in the eye again.
March 16, 1974 2:20 a.m.
beginning to get emotionally involved with Ed. I'm not sure if that's
good or bad, and I feel a little scared. I'm afraid of getting into
another close relationship with a guy, because I ALWAYS end up getting
hurt in the end. But I can't seem to help it.
couldn't hide the truth from him - I had to tell him about what
happened between me & Chuck at the airport last night.
At first he really over-reacted - I thought he was going to KILL Chuck.
I've never seen him so mad. Then he started to jump all over me, and I started
yelling back. I explained to him that absolutely nothing
happened between Chuck and me, that it was all one big
misunderstanding. Good thing he can't hold a grudge long, and
it was over (and at least partially forgotten) in a little while. I
went over to his house tonight. He's still on restrictions because of
Thursday night, so his mom had to come and pick me up, but she's so
sweet I could tell she really didn't mind. Ed and me stayed downstairs
in the rec room watching TV until 1:30 a.m., and he was acting just
like his old self. We watched all of the usual Saturday night shows,
plus part of "The Merchant of Venice" and a movie called "Gazebo."
almost think I'm falling in love, but I don't know how he feels about
March 17, 1974
called me twice already this morning, but I probably won't be seeing
him until tomorrow (sob sob)
spending a pleasantly boring day in my room, listening to the radio and
wishing there was something interesting to do. My "party" started
today, thrill, so I have cramps.
On my shoulder makes me happy
In my eyes can make me cry
On the water looks so lovely
Almost always makes me high.
-- John Denver --
This song brings back the saddest memories -- I feel like crying when I
hear it. The first time I ever heard it was the night I knew for sure I
was losing Clarence forever, and then we broke up three days later.
March 18, 1974 6:30 p.m.
and I) had our first fight today, and now I'm going out of my
mind, wishing he would call me or come over or SOMETHING, anything to
let me know he still cares. I'm so scared of losing him. The fight was
so stupid; I don't understand how I could have been such a bitch. After
4th period I was standing at my locker, and he came up to me and said
he was going home for lunch. I usually go with him, but this time he
didn't invite me to join him. I said, "Don't you want me to come?" I
can't remember his exact words, but it was something like "I don't want
to hurt your feelings, but no."
was hurt - understandably so. In TerriWorld,
boyfriends want to spend every waking minute with their girlfriends. I
turned my back to him and started
rummaging around in my locker, tight-lipped and sullen. He said "You're
mad now, aren't you?" I was, but I said "No I'm not," and continued to
search through my purse for a quarter. He just looked at me and then
haven't talked to him, or even seen him since then, and I'm worried
sick. After school I went to Glacier's first baseball game of the
season, against Thomas Jefferson (we lost, 2-1). The sun was shining
but a bitingly cold wind was blowing, and I was frozen. I kept looking
around anxiously for Ed, but he was nowhere in sight. By the time I got
home at quarter to six, I felt tired, discouraged and chilled to the
bone. Dad said that "some boy" called about an hour ago, and I just
hope & pray it was Ed. (I have a feeling it was probably only
Mike Davidson, though.)
now I'm talking to Ed on the phone!!! And apparently he isn't mad about
anything - he doesn't even seem to remember our little "falling-out."
However ... he doesn't seem all that friendly. A little on the cool
& distant side.
of our conversation (his end):
probably put you in The Novels of that Dildo ... Oh, OK ... I wish
those girls would call again! ... You better not hang up! I'm warning
you! ... Just hold on a sec ... Tell you what I'm thinkin' 'bout ya ...
Then she looks out the window ... What'd I tell you? ... Hello? Hi ...
Oh .... I was so embarrassed ... CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? ... Oh, "Boney
and the Jets" ... Forget it, it's too tech for you ... Benny, Benny,
Benny ... You're really weird, you know it? ... I don't care, God ...
And she goes, Í hear you're pretty cute' ... And I go,
‘ I am' ... The United States of America, whooo! ... Oh yah,
man, there's some girl at Ross' house ... Oh, this music ... How could
I forget? ... Yah, and then the guys go ... God, sounds so cool! ..."
March 20, 1974
called me up four times altogether last night - Dad was getting
super-super-super pissed because the phone kept ringing, but I just sat
back and ignored him. We talked for 2-1/2 hours last night; he finally
hung up at 10:30 when I kept falling asleep.
he's really sweet to me, but most of the time he likes to "jokingly"
cut me down ... he says I'm ugly, fat, dumb, etc. It's a good thing it
doesn't hurt my feelings or I'd probably be mad at him most of the
time. He did say one thing, though, that made me feel good all over:
"You're always cutting me down. Why don't you say at least one nice
thing about me?"
"Something nice ... OK." (stopped & thought) "Well, you're a
FOX ... you've got a great body ... and I like you. Yah, I like ya. I
think I'll keep ya."
to seven, and here's Terri V. in her stinkiest jeans, an old T-shirt
and tennies, sitting in her semi-messy, freezing cold room, still light
outside but with her desk lamp turned on anyway, listening to "Spirit
In The Sky" on her tape, digesting her hamburger and milk dinner,
waiting for Ed to call and say whether or not he's coming over, hearing
her Dad typing in his radio room, feeling listless ... hope I see Ed
met Mr. Berlin, the Glacier Auto Shop teacher, today when I was over at
Ed's house after school. He came over to help Ed work on his car, and I
swear he looks just like a kid! I've seen him a million times around
school but I had no idea he was a TEACHER. I always thought he was a
came over tonight and we watched TV together in the living room.
March 22, 1974
as soon as I got home from school, sitting here alone in this cold,
empty house ... feeling empty and desolate.
beginning to feel used, and I know that we're not going to be together
much longer. God, I can't stop crying. I feel so empty inside. What's
the point of even trying to love somebody? It never works out, never.
Just when you think you have an understanding, a shared feeling , you
realize that love never lasts.
hate being used. I HATE it.
bad enough that I never see him during the day, except for the two
classes we have together ... but then when we DO have a class together
he totally, completely ignores me. During lunch today he went to
McDonalds with Bill, with a bunch of other kids - never a word about
taking me along. Just "Don't be mad, OK?" It's always "Don't be mad,
but I'm going to do this" or "Don't be mad, but I'm going to do that,"
and he never even thinks about taking me along. I keep getting left out
in the cold, and it's starting to hurt deeply. It's almost as though
he's ashamed to be seen with me. Why? I mean, I don't have two head or
green hair or scales or anything ... he himself has said he thinks I'm
pretty. So what's this "deep dark secret" bit? Is it because he doesn't
want other girls to think he's "unavailable?" Precisely.
I'm PROUD that
I'm going out with him! I WANT people to know! I WANT to be seen with
him! But no, it would be too much to ask for him to walk me to classes,
or take me out to lunch with his friends.
picked me up after school today when I was walking home with Shelly. We
hardly said a word to each other, except for when he said (are you
ready for this??) , "Don't be mad but I'm gonna work on my car, so I'm
gonna drop you off at Shelly's." To which I coldly replied that I
didn't want to go to Shelly's, and that he could just drop me off
"anywhere." He brought me home, again in total silence, and his parting
words were "I hope you're not mad."
looked him right in the eye, and said with all the sarcasm I could
muster, "Why would
I be?" And then I slammed his door shut and walked away. I suppose
he'll call later, and I'll lose all my nerve and forgive him. He's
going down to the Loop tonight with Bill and (yuck) Lisa, and he asked
me to go with. What fun, watching Bill & Lisa pawing each other
for two hours. No way.
March 25, 1974
writing this right before bed on Sunday night ... sitting in bed with
my nightlight on, sipping ginger ale and listening to the gentle
tick-tock of the little clock beside my bed. Everything seems so
peaceful right now ... I feel so at ease.
was beautiful today. Technically it's spring, and the feeling in the
air, the mood, the atmosphere around school proves it. I keep getting
vibrations from last year at this time: vivid impressions of the way I
felt then. I was just beginning to notice Clarence ...
I should write about this weekend. Friday night Ed called, just like I
knew he would, and he pretended like nothing had ever happened. He
didn't even mention going to the Loop with Bill and Lisa, so instead he
came over to my house and watched TV with me until 1:30 a.m. We talked
about things, but I couldn't seem to open up to him and tell him I
don't like the way he's been treating me.
was an unusually boring and lazy day, with me just hanging around my
room all day. Dad came home early and we went to Burien for about an
hour. I bought a new phone and address book for $1.27 and the 45 single
"Star Baby" by The Guess Who (77 cents). I think Ed called, but I'm not
sure because I don't remember. I cleaned my room and listened to my new
record about 40 billion times. Then around 8:00 I was waiting for Ed to
call me or come over or SOMETHING. No word from him at all! I was
starting to get a little worried and upset, when he came over
unexpectedly at 9:30 with his friend, Mike Heater. They stayed for an
or so, and Mike ... well, I kept looking at him, I couldn't help it
'cause he's kinda cute. Uh oh.
They made a phone call to Sultan's Lavendar Cinema downtown, and Mike
wanted to listen on an extension, so him and me went into my room to
listen on my phone while Ed used the living room phone to make his
left around 10:30 and I stayed up late watching movies on TV. Ed called
at 11:30 and we talked for 2-1/2 hours, until 2 a.m. Then I went to
(Sunday) was a repeat of yesterday. Ed called once in the morning, no
thrills. He said he was going to work on his car, and THEN he asked me
if he could borrow $10 for a new carburator. I'm not exactly crazy
about the idea of loaning him money.
spent the day in my room napping, and Ed came over tonight, stayed
new diet starts tomorrow. I hope to lose 10 pounds.
Figurines + lowfat milk for BREAKFAST
A can of Spoon-Up diet pudding for LUNCH
A regular DINNER, minus excess calories (butter, sauces, condiments,
Before-bed SNACK of diet soda + yogurt
SNACKING! (between meals)
DRINK 8-10 GLASSES OF WATER
EXERCISE APLENTY! Oh sure.
Caught in the act
Monday 7:00 p.m.
sitting around in my room, listening to the radio and wishing Ed would
call me again. He said he'd call back at seven.
was a normal, OK day. Nothing really worth writing about.
like Ed a lot. He still ignores me at school, but I guess I can't
expect him to be a Romeo all the time, can I?
March 26, 1974
day. One or two highlights ... Ed was a lot nicer to me today. SHOCK.
After 4th period (one of the classes I have with him), I was standing
at my locker, looking for my lunch (another can of that putrid diet
pudding) when he came up to me and put his arms around me!!! I was so
surprised! It was the first time he EVER showed me any sign of
affection in school, in public.
really like him, I've decided. He has a terrific personality, funny and
charming and disarmingly candid. He says what he means, pulls no
punches, and manages to convey innocence and a sort of cynical
worldliness at the same time. And he's
adorable. He often reminded me that he was
better-looking than I was.
Shock! Just as I was writing the above description of him, there was a
soft knock at the front door. Dad was already in bed so I flew out to
answer it, and there he was, standing on my front porch!
FIRST PHONE CONVERSATION
rings. Terri picks it up.) Terri: H'lo?
Ed: Is Terri there?
Terri (with curiousity in my voice): This is Terri.
Ed: How are you?
Terri: Who's this? (laugh)
Ed: (laugh) Yah. (Clears throat) Thought I'd call ya up.
Terri: Oh that's really nice. Who is this?
Ed: You don't know?
Ed: Oh. This is - Ed.
Terri: You're kidding.
Ed: (silence) No.
Terri: Oh hi.
(limply) I'm not kidding.
Terri: How did you get my phone number?
Ed: I know this kid, named Charles L. - you know him?
Terri: (laugh) Yah, I know him.
Ed: Yah, and I talked to him ... I hear he's been talking to ya ..
part of the very first phone coversation Ed and I ever had, March 5,
1974. Three weeks ago.
wasn't too bad a day. During Shakespeare (1st period) we had to read
some sonnets out of the book ("Shall I compare thee to a
summer's day?") and since Ed didn't have a book, he moved
his desk over and shared mine. Then during our other class together,
Cities In Crisis, we kept exchanging smiles while Mr. Lien gave one of
his famous dull lectures.
by Robert Frost
(my favorite poem)
of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as ‘twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away into the edge of doom.
should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway, where the slow wheel pours the sand.
do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.
would not find me changed from he they knew -
Only more sure of all I thought was true.
March 28, 1974 6:00 p.m.
Crap crap crap crap.
was a rotten day, and now I'm so upset I don't know what to say, what
to think, what to do. Even after eating a big plate of chow mein and
egg roll for dinner, and now sitting in my room listening to "Moody
Blues" music - usually enough to make me feel better - I still feel
had THE FIGHT today ... even worse than our first one a week ago. He's
not even speaking to me! It was so dumb, I don't even want to write
about it. I'll just say this much: it all started in first period
Shakespeare. We were having a test, and I wouldn't give him some of the
answers. So he called me a bitch, which really made me feel great. Now
he's not talking to me, and I wish he'd call me. I wish.
phone just rang, while I was brushing my teeth. My heart stopped; I
froze in panic. I ran to the phone numbly, not even daring to hope.
"Please let it be him!" I prayed silently. I grabbed up the receiver.
"Hello?" I said breathlessly, hoping, praying.
Terri, this is Mike (Davidson)."
told him I couldn't talk and hung up. Crushed, defeated, ready to cry,
just called, just as I was writing the above, and we talked it out.
It's all forgotten! He's coming over in a few minutes (it's 10 minutes
past 8) so I can't write anymore tonight.
March 31, 1974
here we go again. Should I start swearing, or screaming, or crying, or
what? He has to be the screwiest guy in the whole world.
took me out on Friday night. That in itself was a once-in-a-lifetime
occurrence¸ since he is usually flat broke. Somehow he
managed to earn $10 after school, so he called and said he wanted to
take me out. We went to the Burien Theater and saw "The Paper Chase"
and "Play It Again, Sam." We had a pretty good time. After the movie I
invited him to come home with me for a little while. When we got there,
Dad was already in bed and there was a beautiful fire going in the
fireplace, so we turned off all the lights and the TV and lay down on
the couch together. We were both exhausted, and we fell asleep in each
others' arms. We woke up at a little past midnight, and he left.
then comes Saturday. I was gone all day, over at Grandma Vert's, but
Dad was home and he said that Ed didn't call for me all day. I was a
little peeved when I heard that, so I decided to go to the Coffeehouse
with Shelly and just forget about him for one night. Dad said he didn't
call at all, the whole time I was gone.
MAKES ME SO MAD!!!
it's getting late on Sunday afternoon and still no word, no show. Hmmm
... can't help but wonder, is this the beginning of the end?
last night at the Coffeehouse, Dave Johnson and Dave Darling asked
Shelly and me to go out with them. I said YES. Ed can just stick it up
now it's almost 4:00, and my "adorable boyfriend" still hasn't called
me yet. What a dead day. Total lack of energy - feeling sluggish,
lethargic. Read my old ledgers from a year ago, when I was just
starting out with Clarence, and it makes me wish I could go back and
relive those times.
Clarence ... aren't you going to ever let me forget about you?
his name, forget his face
Forget about that special place.
Forget about the love you knew
Remember he has someone new.
the fun that you once shared
Forget the fact that he once cared.
Forget the time you had together
Remember now he's gone forever.
the times they played "your" song
Forget the times you cried so long.
Forget how close you once had been
Remember now you can't have him.
the times that he would phone
Forget the times you felt alone.
Forget that you were in his heart
Remember now that you're apart.
his gentle teasing way
Forget you saw him yesterday
Forget the things you used to do
Remember, now she loves him too.
the times that he walked by
Forget the way he made you sigh.
Forget the way he said your name
Remember now things aren't the same.
the way he held your hand
Forget the things you two had planned.
Forget the talks that once you had
Remember, now he's made you sad.
the times that went too fast
Forget the love that didn't last
Forget he said he'd leve you never
Remember now he's gone forever.
a plce where love begins and a place where love must end:
Love asks nothing.
Dorky poem that made the rounds
in high school, circa 1974.
- 6:10 p.m.
so OK, he called me - twice, in fact - and even after talking him I
still don't feel any better. His caustic, insensitive attitude really
BURNS me. He said he's been "busy" all weekend, and that's why he
didn't call ... then he listed all his social activities while I
listened, fuming. Then we argued about silly, pointless things for ten
minutes, culminating in him calling me a "liar" and me accusing him of
being "rude." He said that he's "super tired" tonight, so he's going to
go to bed at 6:30 ... which is his not-so-subtle way of excusing
himself from coming over.
Tonight I'm just going to relax and forget about impossible, irrational
oddly disturbing just happened (7:45 p.m.) I KNEW he was putting me on
when he said he was going to bed "early" -- I mean, I know Ed, and he just
isn't the type who goes to bed at 6:30, no matter how tired he is. He's
a goer, a doer ... he doesn't like to sit around. Anyway. A few minutes
ago a man called here, and in a breathless voice he cried "Is Eddy
said he must have the wrong number, and he said "Is this 246-8953?" I
said yes, but no one by that name lived here. Then he said "Is this
Terri?," and in a flash I realized who he was: Ed's dad.
H.?" I asked timidly.
isn't Eddy over there?"
he isn't." And a moment later I hung up without giving it another
thought. Humming to myself, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
Suddenly the full implication of the phone call me struck me, and it
was like someone hit me in the stomach. I dropped my toothbrush,
stunned, and looked into the mirror.
LIED to me!!" I cried.
apparently I'm not the only one he lied to ... sounds like he told his
parents he was coming over here, when in reality he snuck off somewhere
else. "That's why he said he was going to bed early!" This startling
revelation flashed across my mind, and seeting with anger I slammed my
door shut and flung myself across my bed. "He lied to me so I wouldn't
know he's taking out SOME OTHER GIRL!!!"
why? Why does he have to sneak around behind my back? We're not
officially attached to each other -- we're both free to do as we
please. Why does he have to be so deceitful and cowardly?
WHERE THE HELL IS HE???
later 9 p.m.
Terri, Terri ... you and your suspicious mind! You're really going to
get yourself in a lot of trouble one of these days. "Going out with
another girl," SURE. He came over at 8:30 with his friend Jim, and it
turns out he had to go sign up for league bowling. Why don't I trust
him more? They came over, joked around for a while, raided my
refrigerator, teased me about my hair (I had it up in a weird ponytail
because my neck was hot, and I didn't bother to take it down when they
rang the doorbell), threw pieces of cheese at my cat, and then left as
unceremoniously as they had arrived. Eddy didn't kiss me or even touch
me at all - he never does when his friends are around - but he did make
a point of shaking my hand goodbye. He's really strange.
can I possibly break up with him? At times he can be the most
exasperating boy I've ever known, and at other times he brightens up my
April 1, 1974
of a brand new month. Can't believe it but there's only 9 weeks of
April 3, 1974
here we go again ... me sitting by the phone, hoping, waiting, praying
for him to call me. A terribly familiar situation.
past eight. I feel hot, ugly and tired. Just sitting here watching "The
Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour," chewing gum, rubbing my eyes and feeling
(right before bed)
OK, Ed ... you didn't call, which made my evening a total waste ...
thanks a lot.
April 5, 1974
was another rotten day. I was in a foul mood, snapping and screaming at
one and all. Even the prospect of nine luscious, lazy days of Spring
Vacation fail to cheer me up. Whenever I think of Spring Vacation, I
naturally remember last year, and then I remember Clarence, and that
old gnawing ache inside of me comes back.
really weird. Clarence and me broke up five months ago and I still miss
back to today. Ed was unusually sweet and attentive, going out of his
way to prove how much he cares. That's not like him. I think that ever
since he got his hair cut Tuesday, he's been feeling insecure and
scared of losing me, so he's been making up for lost time. His hair
looks terrible now. I'm trying not to let it affect my feelings towards
him, but it's hard.
for some reason, was being very cool and distant, and I get the
distinct impression that she is trying to avoid me. I wonder what's
bugging her? We seem to be drifting apart, quarreling over silly,
pointless things ... we used to be so close. In the meantime, Karen has
suddenly become my friend again. She calls me, invites me over, etc.
Ed is at his sister's wedding.
April 6, 1974
down in bed with the flu, so I don't feel like writing a whole lot -
BUT, something happened today, a little thing really, but something
day of Spring Vacation, and did I sleep in until noon, as planned
& anticipated?? Nope! I got up at 7:30, bursting with energy
and life, ready to conquer the world. I completely scrubbed, cleaned
and polished the refrigerator and the kitchen, straightened up the
living room, ironed a bunch of Dad's shirts, etc. etc. Normally I'm not
that active on a Saturday morning, so I sorta surprised myself.
called once and asked if I wanted to come over. I said I couldn't,
which prompted an argument and ended with me slamming the phone down
angrily while he was bawling me out for being "immature." He called
back an hour later and softly asked, "Are you mad still?"
came over, but it was terrible. For some reason that I can't identify I
couldn't seem to warm up to him. He kept trying to hold me, kiss me,
etc. and I kept shying away. I couldn't help it. Every time I looked at
him all I could see was his choppy haircut, his pug nose, his little
boy face ... and I felt totally TURNED OFF. We were laying on my bed,
for instance, and I just couldn't face him. So I jumped up and ran over
to my dresser and started straightening my perfume bottles. He left a
few hours later, and he must have been pretty disgusted with me because
he hasn't called at all tonight. Probably thinks I'm frigid.
just as well, tho -- this flu has really got me down, literally.
night 9:00 p.m.
April 7, 1974
are a lot of better things I could be doing with my time right now than
sitting here scribbling inane, senseless garbage in a notebook that no
one will ever read or care about ...
but I'm in a thoughtful, quiet, pensive mood, and I feel like writing.
Bells (Mike Oldsfield)
Sundown (Gordon Lightfoot)
have been two things weighing heavily on my mind lately. One is
something neat and exciting, something that I'm looking forward to ...
and one is something I can't explain.
thing I can't explain is why my mind has been on Clarence so much
recently. I'm almost afraid to say it, but I think I still love him.
Why??? We broke up five months ago ... time enough for me to forget all
about him, and the way he hurt me. Since November I've had seven other
boyfriends, gone places, mad new friends, tried to completely put him
out of my mind. Sometimes it works, too -- I become so involved with
someone or something new & different, and think that I've
finally gotten rid of his memory. But always, always, I find myself
alone again, and the overwhelming love, the crushing ache return to
haunt and torment me. I have never in my life loved someone with such
ferocity, such intensity, as I loved him. Maybe I never will again.
awful these days. Jody (Bob's girlfriend) says that ever since he broke
up with me, "he's really gone to hell." He acts like he hates the sight
of me, and yet I've been told that he fiercely & jealously
guards all my old love letters, the teddy bear I made him, the little
stuffed black dog he named "Terri." He TREASURES those things! He must,
I know him!! I know him so well, I know how his mind works, how he
reacts and responds to things.
has GOT to be some love left in him!!
hurt me worse than anyone else ever did - started going with another
girl right behind my back, kissing her and holding her while I waited
for him at his locker.
have been others for me, too. Scott meant a lot to me, but he hurt
me in the end, as did Tommy. Gary and David were only diversions
... I never really cared about them. Bill never worked out. Ed is
fine, as a sort of temporary interest, but I can't feel anything for
him in a real way.
has ruined me for anybody else.
by the way - the other thing that's on my mind is Camp Firwood this
April 8, 1974
a dull, boring, uneventful day. The only thing I did was go down to
Karen's for the afternoon, sitting listening to records while she
worked on her sewing. Dad's in an all-time terrible mood. I can't even
stand to be around him, so I'm hiding here in my bedroom. No mail
today, darn it ... I'm on pins and needles, waiting to see if my
registration for Camp Firwood has been accepted. Also I'm expecting
letters from Mark, Dee Dee & Janet, plus my new issue of Campus
now watch -- I bet Dad starts screaming at me about the dishes.)
called this morning around 10 or so -- didn't have anything interesting
to say, just "Hi, how are you?" and all that. I told him I've been sick
the past few days, so that got me off the hook.
April 9, 1974
I tell ya ... reading the Bible can sure give you a spiritual lift! A
few minutes ago I prayed that Shelly and me might be drawn together as
closely as we used to be - and then moments later He gave me this
promise in Hebrews 11 - "Now
faith is the assurance of things hoped for ... He rewards those who
has been such an ordinary day, yet I feel such a sense of peace tonight
... I feel love, spreading throughout me, warming me, filling me. Who
do I love? Shelly? Ed? Wally? Mike? Karen? Dad? Yes, yes, everybody!!
And most of all I love Jesus. And not in an Eric Cartman sort
of way, either. I was really sincere about this stuff.
April 10, 1974
really late and I'm super-tired ... but I feel like I need to write a
little before I turn in.
Vert is terribly sick, so I'm spending the night with Grandma in case
needs me. So far it's been peaceful and uneventful. I'm sleeping
upstairs in my old bedroom, and it brings back so many happy, fond
memories ... after all, I spent eleven years in this little room. I'm
listening to the radio, reading, eating fig bars and ginger ale, and
just relaxing. I'd forgotten how big and comfortable my old bed was.
wasn't too bad a day. I was up until 2:30 last night watching
"Wuthering Heights," the late-late movie, so I was totally zonked out
until around noon. When I finally did get up and drag myself out of
bed, I was little more than a zombie ... absolutely no energy. The house
was a mess, but I just couldn't seem to muster the strength to clean.
Just as I was beginning to wake up, Karen dropped in unexpectedly.
While we listened to old Bing Crosby records and chattered about Wally
and Mike, I finally cleaned up the living room and the kitchen. We made
super-deluxe-tuna sandwiches for lunch, and Karen got my mail for me --
a tiny book of Easter prayers that Grandma and Grandpa mailed to
me. They lived two blocks away, but still they
mailed me things on special occasions. I
miss my grandparents. Then we went down to
her house and spent an "exciting" afternoon playing games and watching
drippy soap operas & re-runs on TV (Jan Brady was allergic to
Tiger). I beat her in one game of Battleship and four straight games of
dinner I washed my hair and got all ready for church, but when Don
& Diane didn't show up to give me a ride (to Shelly's church),
I walked over to my old church instead. But at the last minute I
chickened out - panic stricken at the thought of having to face all
those people I haven't seen in so many weeks -- so I turned
around and started walking back home. While I was walking, these two
guys in a little silver sports car drove past me. The driver, a frumpy
looking guy with round, owl-like glasses and bushy hair, turned to look
at me. They drove down the block a little ways, and turned around,
driving slowly. My heart was thudding heavily. As they slowly went past
me again, I could see Bushy Hair's companion, a not-too-bad-looking
blond who looked around 19 or 20. "Stay cool," I said to myself when
they were only inches away. I looked at the cute one, hanging out of
the open window. He smiled at me and said, "So good I had to come back
and get a second look."
smiled at him and kept walking.
sweetheart!" he yelled, and I turned around. "Do you want to come over
and play some pool?" he asked. I talked to him for a few minutes, he
asked me my name & how old I was, and where I lived. It turns
out he lives (get this) right in back of our house! I mean, I can reach
across the little wire fence out in the backyard and touch his house.
That's how close it is. Oh, his name is Wayne. He asked for my phone
number but for some reason I panicked. I gave him Karen's phone number
instead, because hers was the only one that came to mind quick enough.
Dumb. Oh well, I figure if he's interested enough - which he seems to
be, he seemed very sincere ( I was
such an excellent judge of character) he'll try again.
After all, I practically live in his back yard.
I got home, Ed came over for about 15 minutes. I don't know what he did
to his hair, but it looked terrific. He finally got his car running,
after working on it for weeks & weeks, so he wanted to show off
by taking me for a ride. I guess we were only together about 5 minutes,
because he has a new job & had to get back to work. I was in a
great mood, but him ... well.
April 11, 1974
spent the whole day here at Grandma's. I thought I'd be leaving this
morning, but she seemed to take it for granted that I'd be staying all
day, maybe even another night. It's been a long, boring, uneventful
day. Since last night I've finished two books, watched endless game
shows on TV, eaten two scanty meals, and fumbled over the piano, and
now I'm groping around for something to do. I wish I weren't so darned
worried about Shelly, and why she isn't speaking to me anymore ... it's
ruining my whole Spring Vacation.
April 12, 1974
recorded off the radio:
Bells KING 9:55 p.m.
My My (Ringo Starr) KOL 10:10 p.m.
Baby (Guess Who) KING 10:16 p.m.
A Train (Albert Hammond) KOL 10:35 p.m.
and me had the most terrible, horrible fight last night when I got home
from Karen's. We were screaming at each other, swearing, call each
other names ... I said stuff like, "I don't give a shit what you
think!" and "I hate you, just get out of here, I don't want to see your
ugly face!" I was so upset, I went to bed shaking and I couldn't stop
crying. I was sure I would be grounded forever.
I spent the day cleaning the house until it sparkled ... gave Lawnmower
a bath, cleaned my room (it needed it) ... and when Dad came home, it
seemed like he'd forgotten all about last night.
came over around 6:00 and stayed for two hours. It was really fun, just
like old times. I'm glad we're growing close again; I have really
needed the companionship. She brought her "At The Hop" album set, and I
taped the whole thing. We walked down to the store - just for the heck
of it - the weather is so clear and fine, it feels like summer. Also,
we baked a two-layer white cake and listened to "Marcy" albums.
night off, so I'm up late, taping songs off the radio.
lonely for Clarence.
didn't call all day or night - which makes me a LITTLE worried -- but
not much. Not enough to ruin my evening, anyway. Maybe he had to work?
I said, I'm lonely for the old times, when I was with Clarence. I'm
still in love with him, and I miss him like hell. There have been other
times when I've missed him like this ... when he ran away, or when I
went to camp for two weeks ... but there was a difference. Those times
I still had his love, and I knew that we'd be together again. This time
I have nothing. I can hope and dream, of course, but it seems so
futile. It seems like I'll never have him back again. A bitter pill to
swallow, but one that I've got to face. I'm ruining my whole life,
sitting around, wasting time, clinging to the past. I still love him,
but he feels nothing at all for me.
look at pictures of him while I listen to songs that we used to like,
and it breaks my heart. Every line, every mole, every dimple on his
face are as familiar to me as my own ... I want to reach into that
photograph and touch his cheek, carress his hair ... show him my love
April 13, 1974
feel lonely. It's almost 7:30 on a Saturday night, and Ed hasn't called
me yet. As a matter of fact, I haven't heard from him AT ALL since last
Wednesday night. Hey Ed -- what's going ON??
a beautiful evening, the night before Easter ... sunny and clear and
warm, and I feel like going out and having fun and loving somebody ...
not like sitting here in a stuffy bedroom, watching TV and eating more
and Grandpa took me Easter shopping at Lamont's, bought me two new
spring dresses, a pair of white sandals, a beige jacket, and a new
purse. Pretty, pretty. Grandpa's feeling a lot better.
(10 minutes to 8):
getting later and later, and with every passing moment I grow more
later (11:10 p.m.)
everything's cool. Ed called at 8:30, and then he came over for a
little while with his cousin, Cliff. He could only stay half an hour,
but still that's better than nothing. He couldn't stay any longer than
that because he had to go spend the night at his cousin's house. We
three sat in my room, watching "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," saying very
little to one another.
time I see Ed I get more confused. I've been saying these past few
weeks that what I feel for him is nothing more than friendship, or
slight interest. Like maybe he's only a temporary diversion, someone to
keep me from being lonely on Saturday nights.
when he held me in his arms tonight, saying goodbye ... held me close
and tight, and I buried my face in his shoulder, my brain whirling in
confusion -- I don't know HOW to explain my feelings for him. Love? I
doubt it. Friendship? No way. Something in between ...
just feels so good to be in someone's arms again.
April 14, 1974
real, real late ... Ed stayed later than usual ... and I have
to get up early for school tomorrow, so I don't have much time to
quick rundown on today. This was a BEAUTIFUL day ... sun shining, warm
and breezy, perfect for sunbathing. I woke up at a little after 9,
hopped out of bed and got all ready for church. I wore one of my new
dresses, and church was beautiful. Everyone was so dressed up &
looked so nice ... Karen and me sat upstairs with John, Jerry and
Belinda. The choir sang "The Hallelujah Chorus," one of my all-time
goosebumpy favorites. After church Sue Phillips gave Karen and me a
ride to Karen's house. After Karen changed into some cut-offs and an
old T-shirt, we walked up to my house so I could change too. Dad was
busy washing and waxing the car, so he didn't care what I was doing. I
put on some old sloppy clothes, then went back down to Karen's. It was
so gorgeous out that we sat in her backyard on an old sheet and played
games, listening to the radio and soaking up some of that sun. Karen's
mom asked us to walk to the store and buy some mayonnaise, so we put on
some shoes and walked over. I stayed for dinner at Karen's -- we had
chicken, potato salad, deviled eggs and mixed vegetables.
an hour after dinner, I finally came home and got ready (to go to
Shelly's) church. It was boring, even more so than usual, but both
Terry and Shelly talked to me so neither of them is mad at me. Relief.
Shelly is definitely going with Dave Darling now. (She married him in 1976, and as far
know they're still married, some thirty years later.)
got home from church at 8:15, and at 9:00 Ed came over. It so good to
hear from (?) - no, I mean, SEE him. He stayed until 11, and since Dad
was busy typing in his radio room, we sat out in the living room, our
arms wrapped around each other, watching TV.
April 15, 1974
started this morning (6 days early) and I had to stay home with SEVERE
cramps. Missing Ed.
April 16, 1974
about quarter after seven, and I'm just sitting here in my room, with
my freshly-washed hair, listening to my "At The Hop" tape and wishing
he'd call me. Seems like I spend half my life "just sitting around my
room, waiting for Him to call." I don't think he will, for two reasons:
I hung up on him last night after our millionth argument
He's probably SUPER MAD that I didn't come to school again today. We
were supposed to have a test in 1st period and I promised him I'd show
up, so I could help him.
don't know WHY I stayed home, really, except that I was so tired when
the alarm clock rang at 6:15 this morning ... couldn't drag myself out
of the ol' sack. I didn't even get up till noon. Dad was home, too,
with the flu, so I had to stay quiet.
nightly ritual of washing my hair in the kitchen sink
My first drug experience.
(Midol and Vivarin don't count.)
April 19, 1974
lot of things have happened since Tuesday, but I feel so heartsick
& depressed, I'm not going to be very big on details.
Ed and me have broken up for good. He was VERY MAD at me when
I didn't show up at school to help him on the test -- in fact, mad
isn't the word. When I walked into class on Wednesday, he made a point
of getting up and sitting in the back of the room, in his old seat.
When Scott M. said "Don't you like Terri anymore?," he said, "Brilliant
haven't said a word to each other these past few days, except I smiled
at him this morning when him and Scott were teasing me -- and once I
heard him say something about how he "doesn't know why Terri's mad at
me - she's the one who hung up on me," and how I didn't apologize. Of
course I was too proud and stubborn and arrogant to say I was sorry and
settle it all. I've resigned myself to the fact that it's over, all
over, that I won't be seeing any more of him - ever. And that makes me
Shelly and me dropped a hit of mescaline right before second period. We
bought it from this guy we both know for $2.00 a hit, and it's the
newer, grape-flavored kind. It took me 3 hours to get really high, and
then it lasted for a good, long time. It was super neat! I got high
right at the beginning of Study Hall, and I know that Wally was
watching me curiously, he probably thought I was really freaking out. I
WAS! Everything started moving in slow motion; I kept
seeing pink snowflakes on the Biology
classroom walls, and kept smiling at the thoughts whirling
around in my head. It was really beautiful!
school I was still pretty high, so Karen and me went to the baseball
game, Glacier vs. Evergreen. We talked to a lot of people. I went home
with Karen, and by the time I got to her house - around 6:00 - I had
come down almost all the way. I discovered I was RAVENOUS! So we ate
some beef soup and bread, watched some TV, talked about this and that.
and me each dropped half a hit during lunch, but I didn't get off at
April 20, 1974
long, lonely afternoon spent cleaning my room, washing my hair with egg
whites, wondering what Ed's doing right now, and feeling awful. Shelly
came over and visited for a while - we talked about mescaline, David,
Wally, Terry M., and the Coffeehouse tonight. It's going to be a
terrible bore, but it's better than sitting around at home by myself.
April 21, 1974
looking for someone to change my life
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me
To lose the love I knew ...
~ The Moody Blues
April 22, 1974
took some money to school today so I could buy some mesc off of Steve,
but wouldn't you know it -- he isn't selling it anymore. Damn. I was
counting on getting it!
is bearable, sort of. Sometimes I feel horrible, bored, lonely,
frustrated ... as though I can't stand living in this crummy world one
more second. And other times I feel great.
is being a real asshole, and it's almost gotten to the point where I
can't stand him. He pesters me during 1st period, tells Scott to tell
me things like "Ed said to tell you he loves you." Makes me sick. In a
way I miss him; but I think that I miss the relationship more than the
person himself. Which means that as soon as I can hook up with another
guy -- preferably someone cute, attentive and considerate -- I'll be
candidates. Good ol' Wally, whom I still have a mad crush on, and this
adorable junior named Mark Videen. Mark's been talking to me a lot
and today he even came up to me in the lunch line and put his arm
around me, asking me for cuts. I would LOVE to get together with him!!!
April 24, 1974
I just don't understand myself. Take today. It's a cold, rainy,
miserable Wednesday afternoon, and I'm snuggled here in the confines of
my warm and cozy bedroom, listening to the radio and unwinding after a
tough day. Anyway. Today was a better-than-average day ... good mood,
my clothes looked OK, I talked to a lot of people.
why am I so happy?
no reason at all that I can see, I feel all glowy and happy inside, as
though something neat happened today, or as if I was looking forward to
something special. I've lost my boyfriend. That alone is usually enough
to send me into hysterics -- not to have a guy around, someone to lean
on and count on and feel secure around. Ed and me are split for good
... I've burned all my bridges behind me. But for some reason it
doesn't bother me. I realize the truth now - that I "miss the
relationship more than the person."
another thing -- about Wally. The truth is coming out now. Him and me
will never get together. For one, he just plain doesn't like girls --
that's what people keep telling me. Not only that, if he did start liking me,
it probably wouldn't work out ... once I was around him I wouldn't have
the foggiest notion what to say or do. Wally
stumbled across *FootNotes* a few years back, and instantly became a
loyal reader. Through our occasional e-mail correspondence,
assured me that the rumor about him 'not liking girls' in high school
was VERY not true ... he was just shy. :)
talked to Mike Heater again today. I haven't seen him for a few weeks,
I'd decided that he'd forgotten all about me. He came into Study Hall
today and sat down right behind me, and him, me, Rhonda, Norm and Doug
had a really good time, talking and laughing about everything. Mike got
the news that Ed and I have split up, and he was asking a lot of
questions. That's when I informed him that I would "never go back with
Ed." See -- burning bridges? Anyway, this isn't meant in a conceited
way, but it sounded as though he was trying to subtly find out if I was
available. Like maybe he wants to ask me out. Wouldn't that be neat!
-- GET THIS -- he said he was thinking of asking me to the Prom, which
was last weekend, but he "thought (Ed) would get mad." !!!!!
many things tumbling across my brain ... Christy's problems with John,
who wants to get back together with her ... Pam Young getting married
on Saturday ... Shelly suddenly being nice to me again, as though
nothing had ever happened ... wishing I could get some mesc, but
wondering if I should ... Tim Baker, the guy in the locker next to
always being so funny & sweet ... Wally's brother Joe talking
to me today for a second ... wondering if I dare wear a dress to
April 25, 1974
Hands numb from cold, "sniffle"
what am I supposed to think?
school tonight Karen and me went to Glacier's baseball game against Mt.
Rainier. We were just sitting there in the bleachers, freezing, when a
familiar black Mustang pulled into the parking lot a few feet away. It
was Mark Videen, and when I saw him my heart started going a few
beats faster. For a long time he just sat there in his car with his
friend, watching the game, while I burned with curiousity. What was he
talking about? Could he see me? What did he think of me? I wanted to go
talk to him, but I was too shy!
a while, about halfway through the game, he finally got out of his car.
Karen and I had been eyeing him the whole time, watching his every
movement, and now she shouted, "MARK!" He came over and climbed up on
the bleachers and SAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!! We talked and talked, about
this & that, and he was so sweet. I've just about flipped, and
I don't know what to do.
don't even know what he thinks of me! To him, I might just be some girl
he talked to occasionally. Or maybe he likes me! I WISH I KNEW!
no!!! I can't believe this, but ... about an hour ago, guess who called
me? MIKE HEATER !!! And he ASKED ME OUT!!
April 26, 1974
past one in the morning and I'm dead tired, but I have to tell you what
happened. I went out with Mark tonight!! Details tomorrow, OK?
here's the exciting details of my date last night with Mark. I still
can't believe it all happened!!
all started after school yesterday, when Karen and me decided to go to
the track meet at Highline Memorial Stadium. We were fishing around,
trying to get a ride over to the stadium, so finally I ended up calling
Grandpa, who was more than happy to give us a lift. We got there about
3:15. The track meet was already in progress. A little dazed by the
number of people there, we wandered around until we spotted Robin Smith
& Terry Mitchell. I was looking all over the place for Mark, but it
hard to single him out of the dozens and dozens of dark-haired guys in
grey sweat suits. AS it turned out, he found me -- came up to us and
started talking, paying particular attention to me.
the meet his friends gave us a ride home, and it was then that he asked
the "Big Question." I was riding in the back seat between him &
Karen, when all of a sudden he started talking to me in a quiet voice.
Me: (pretending I didn't hear him)
Mark: Have you seen "The Exorcist" yet?
Me: No, but I hope to, whenever I get the chance.
Mark: D'ya wanna go tonight?
Me: (in a state of shock) Yeah!
was one of the funnest dates ever. The movie was fantastic -- a little
gross, granted! -- but entertaining nevertheless. I've been dying to
see it anyway. Mark and me got along super well. We talked, about
anything & everything, and it seemed to me that we could really
communicate easily. And he's so POLITE. He stood up when Dad came into
the room, opened all my doors for me, even the car door! What a
gentleman! He put his arm around me during the show, which was
unexpected but nice ... and after the movie we went to Sambo's and had
a strawberry sundae.
kept remembering my first date, with David Darling earlier this year.
a movie date too, and afterwards we went for ice cream, just like Mark
and me did ... but compared to last night, it was SHITTY. (Pardon my
the front porch, fortunately, he didn't try to kiss me. I mean, I'm
just not quite ready to rush headlong into another involved
relationship, and I think he senses that.
now it's nearly midnight on a Saturday night. I'm sitting here in my
pigpen, listening to the radio and waiting for Karen to get off the
phone. She's spending the night tonight, and right now she's talking to
this 19 year old guy named Bob McGeehee that we "met" on Hotline
evening. They've been talking for 2-1/2 hours altogether, but I don't
mind. Mark called this afternoon around 5:30, just to talk. That
settles it in my mind -- he must be interested in me. Wow!
But --- cry, sob -- Mike Heater didn't call me at all. Maybe he
had to work? (I hope) For some reason, he's the one I've been thinking
about today, even more than Mark. I'm looking forward to our date on
now I've got the attention of BOTH of the guys I've been eyeing. What
an ego-builder! And both of them are good looking and attentive, with
jobs, lots of money, lots of experience with girls, drivers licenses,
cars, and both of them are older than me. JACKPOT!
is now madly in love with Terry. I think they'd probably make a good
couple, they're so much alike it's ridiculous ... but Shelly doesn't
think so. She says she "knows Terry" (she certainly does) and that he
"isn't her type." Hmmm. We'll just have to see about that, won't we?
Because I think she's perfect for him (he's perfect for her?)
April 28, 1974
Shelly's 16th birthday
is the last time I'll be writing in you, Ledger. A comfortable Sunday
morning ... Karen has gone home already, and since it's only a little
past ten, I'm still in bed, sipping hot chocolate, listening to the
radio ("Sundown," Gordon Lightfoot) and feeling all right.
SONGS DURING THIS LEDGER:
Prayer" - Sister Janet Meade
"Star Baby" - The Guess Who
"Let The Show Go On" - Three Dog Night
"Tubular Bells (Theme From ‘The Exorcist')"
"Rock & Roll Band" - Bjorn & Benny
"Locomotion" - Grand Funk
"Dance With The Devil" - Cosey Powell
"The Air That I Breathe" - The Hollies
to throw a rock?