Journal No. 4

March 31, 1973
Saturday

(My boyfriend) John left today for California - he'll be gone for two weeks.

Uh-oh.

I went over to Grandma's again today - just played the piano and all that garbage, the usual stuff. Grandpa took me to the drugstore, and I bought a notebook, 2 packages of paper, some tape and this new ledger. When I got home Karen and me walked over to the store. On our way home, we met Tim O'Brien at the school, playing basketball. We talked to him for about an hour, mostly about Clarence. He told me about this "bachelor party" that Clarence is going to go to, and how Carl Hallagin (YUCK) and some other guys are going to try and fix Clarence with a girl. !!! This is a direct quote from Tim (about my so-called relationship with Clarence): "He might hang around ya for a week, maybe two, maybe two days ... and you'll think things are goin' good, and then he's going to go to this party and meet some girl, and that'll be the end of that." That made me so mad! But I don't think I should believe anything Tim says. Oh yah, he also said, "Clarence has been calling me about 10 million times today - he sounds like a broken record, always saying ‘Have ya talked to her yet, have you talked to her yet?' " That made me feel good.

Tim & Clarence might come over tonight, after Dad has left.

Sunday 10:30 p.m.
April 1, 1973

Can hardly write - hands paralyzed with cold! Last night was SO FUN - Karen and me stayed up until 3:30 last night, outside in Dick's fort, or playing kickball in the driveway, or talking on the phone. Clarence says he did come over twice, once around 10:00, then at 10:30, but Karen and me didn't see or hear him.

Today Karen and me wore a path out, going from my house to the school, to Albertson's, to her house, and back to my house. We were trying to dig up Clarence but we couldn't find him anywhere. Finally we wandered on down 20th, past Tim's house. Tim and Clarence were playing football in the front yard, but we told them we were going to my grandmother's house to "get my mail." When we doubled back, a few minutes later, we stopped and talked to them for a while. Then, when I was on my way to church at 4:30, I cut through the Boulevard Park playground and sat on the steps by the office. Clarence and Roger were playing basketball, and they kept riding their bikes past me. Finally I went over and watched them play, but I was real quiet and it was embarrassing (to say the least). I kept wishing Karen was there.

Finally, it was 5:00, so I left for church. Clarence and Roger came too!! (thanks, ha! to Ryan Rehberg and Jerry Turner). I was so embarrassed during play rehearsal, having Clarence sitting there watching me.

We (Karen, Clarence, Roger, Jerry and me) all skipped church, which was Body Life. We went over and stood around Boulevard Park school for about 2 hours, until I was SO FREEZING!! The whole time I was sorta hoping Clarence would do something, but he didn't. Relief? Anger? Then at 10:00 Roger and Clarence walked me home.

Karen likes Roger now.

Monday
April 2, 1973

Freezing!! Again!

What a neat day! I got up sorta early, curled my hair and then went shopping at Lamont's in Burien with Grandma and Grandpa. They bought me a $40.00 jacket, a navy blue jobbie, and 2 shirts. 1 is red & white striped, with short sleeves, and the other is a maroon smock with heart shaped buttons. I got home and then Karen and me walked all over the place again, "Clarence-hunting." For lunch, we went over to Albertsons and bought a piece of raspberry cream cake. We wandered over to Sunset Park, watched some guys practicing baseball, and Karen carved "K.P. + R.T." in one of the posts. When we got back to Karen's, we saw Clarence and his brother Bob coming down the road (about 4:00) so we ran into Karen's house and hid until they got to the school. After a while we went up and talked to them, for about 2 hours. Tim O'B. was a real creep. Then we went to my house for dinner (Kar & me). I dropped my stupid TV dinner on the floor TWICE!

Clarence and Roger came over at 8:00, so them, Karen and me all stood outside on the road, talking and cracking jokes. It was fun but FREEZING. They stayed until 11:00!! And - Clarence put his arm around me 26 times! I'm not sure how I feel about that - confused, to say the least. When they were leaving, I was so afraid he was going to kiss me. I would have died, I can assure you. He had his arm around me, but instead he just patted me on the back and said "See ya tomorrow." HA!

Clarence's phone number: Ch 6-8835

Tuesday 9:00 p.m.
April 3, 1973

Clarence is on restrictions for a week because he got home so late last night. Shoot! I didn't see him all day because of that. I went over to Karen's for a while, but it was so boring that I left after a while. Blah day.

Me -n- Clarence 4/ever (I just wrote that on my hand)

Read Galatians 5

Wednesday
April 4, 1973

This day wasn't too bad. I got 3 letters in the mail today - one from John in California, one from my friend Mark Peterson, and one from Camp Firwood. I get to go to camp, for sure!! Mrs. Anderson (at the camp registration office) sent me a letter, along with a receipt for the down payment and a medical form I have to fill out. John is just fine, and having fun in California (and blissfully unaware that his "girlfriend" is writing "Me -n- Clarence 4/ever" on her hand).

Clarence is off restriction now - GOOD. He and Bob (his brother) came over this afternoon around 4:00 or so, when Karen and I were fixing chicken for dinner and frosting my chocolate fudge cake. Then we went out and talked to them for a while. Dad thinks Clarence is a "little weird." After they left, I washed my hair and had some dinner (Karen stayed for dinner). Karen called Clarence and asked him to come to church tonight. He did! We did our play, "Who Did It?" (I was the moderator) but then we skipped the last part of Bible Study and just went and stood around outside.

I had a real good, long talk with Kenny Robbins -- he's a real sweet guy. He said he'd take me sailing sometime - sure, kid, sure. Clarence got mad about something, I'm not sure what, so him & Roger left early. SOB!

Karen spent the night -- we slept out in the living room. We walked over to Jerry's house, so we could see where he lives and also where Clarence and his family lives. We didn't see Clarence, tho.

Thursday
April 5, 1973

I feel so sick. What have I done??

Yesterday our church group went on a bike hike and then went bowling at Olympic Bowl. At first I wasn't going to go, because I hate bike hikes and I hate bowling. But I figured "What the heck?" and went anyway, to be with my friends. Karen, Kathy Nelson and me walked at first, but then Rob and Debbie Colvin drove along and gave us a ride. Clarence was there (at the bowling alley), so while everybody else was bowling, him and me sat by each other. I was in a rotten mood because of something I'd said to Penny Dewey and William Dosher. Clarence had his arm around me (of course).

After everybody else had left, a few of us stayed and watched the Rehbergs, the Turners and Karen bowl an extra game. Things were more fun then because I was in a better mood.

At night I decided to spend the night at Karen's. She came and got me, and then we ditched my stuff in the back of her Dad's truck and went for a walk. We walked down the street past Clarence's house, but it was too dark and we couldn't see anything. After a while, we decided to walk by "just one more time." When we did, we saw Bob outside in the driveway, working on the car. Luck! (or so we thought at the time - but now that I think about it, none of this would've happened if we hadn't run into Bob). Well, we went over and talked to him for a while about nothing. Then he went inside the house and got Clarence, who was in the kitchen cooking his french fries. We four just stood around talking, until their parents came out and got into the car and drove away. Then Karen had to leave, and so did Bob, so it was just Clarence and me. Finally he said "Well, d'ya wanna go in the house where it's warm?" and I said OK. We went in, and I called Karen and told her I'd "be a little while." We sat on the couch with all his brothers and watched (the youngest brother) Joe play with their dog, Tasha. Then they watched TV while Clarence washed the dishes. Gradually all his brothers drifted out of the room, except for Bob, who fell asleep on the floor listening to the stereo. The lights got turned off, and we sat there and watched "The Waltons," "Kung Fu" and the first half hour of "The Streets of San Francisco." I stayed until almost 11:00!! He had his arms around me, and he kept kissing me, 17 times altogether I think. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I just didn't have the strength to knock it off.

I feel so darned guilty now, I can't stand it. I feel so sick. I love John, not Clarence, but if word of this ever reaches John he'll never be able to trust me again. (Plus) how can I ever face Clarence again??

Friday 9:00 p.m.
April 6, 1973

I just said goodnight to Clarence ("How 'bout a goodnight kiss?"). Him and Roger wandered over here again tonight, when I was puttering around in the kitchen. I heard Roger's familiar whistle, so I put on my coat and went outside to investigate. They were standing around in the Nelson's front yard, under the streetlight. So I went over and talked to them for about 1/2 an hour. They both told me that Clarence's brother Bob likes Karen!!! Can you BELIEVE it?? Like Clarence said, "What a weird couple." (just kidding, Karen) They had to leave at 8:30, and C. kissed me goodbye. (thrill)

I spent the night at Karen's last night. Then we came over here, and I washed my hair. When my hair was still wet and I was looking like a scrounge, Clarence and Roger came over. They stayed about 90 minutes - just sat around on our couch and looked uncomfortable. After they left, Karen and I made our daily trip to Albertsons.

Then I had a little time to myself - the first time, long time. Clarence might come back later.

Saturday Midnight
April 7, 1973

Every Saturday morning, I used to walk the two blocks over to my grandparents' house and spend the day "Grandma-sitting." This started after one of her numerous early-1970's hospital stays, when she legitimately needed somebody to help her around the house, especially when Grandpa was at work, but it continued as a Saturday routine long after she'd fully recovered. I would do my laundry, play the piano, use her sewing machine, allow her to feed me, and generally keep her company for a few hours. At the end of the day she would tuck a ten dollar bill into my purse ... my 'payment' for having 'taken care' of her. I loved those Saturdays. I know she did, too.

Nearly twenty years later, late in the summer of 1991, she invited me over to her house for one last Saturday of "Grandma-sitting." We spent the day talking, looking at photo albums, cleaning house, listening to old tapes of Grandpa playing his guitar. Four days later, she died.

I miss my grandma.

"Grandma-sat" today. I practiced (the piano) a little while, and then used Grandma's sewing machine to finish sewing my teddy bear pillow for Home Ec. Grandpa took me to Gov Ma'rt - I bought a 2-album set, "The Mamas & Papas 20 Greatest," and the 45 single "Little Willy" (by The Sweet). After a quickie dinner of a cube steak TV dinner, I went to the movie at the church, "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes." Hardly anyone was there!! Afterwards I walked home with Jerry Turner, then wandered around the streets with Dick and Andy Brown. Clarence and his brothers were out in their camp. After I got home, Clarence came over for about an hour. We stood on the porch and talked, me with no shoes on. Then I made him leave, but he's supposed to be back anytime.

With Grandma, Spring 1973
Taken on one of my "Grandma-sitting" Saturdays

Jasper might have her puppies at ANY TIME!

Dad's trying to fix me up with some kid on the CB radio, named "Bashful." He wants me to go and talk to him - NO WAY!! I'm listening for Clarence to come around now, although it's getting kind of late.

dog bark!! outside!!! must go peek out kitchen window!

FALSE ALARM

he'll never come, I know it I just know it

CLARENCE!! You do this to me every time, you little creep! You say, "Oh, I'll be back later, I'll be back later." So I sit up until all hours of the night, waiting, and you never show! Do you realize it is now 1:00 a.m. in the morning, and here I sit, STILL WAITING?

Jasper is having her pups right now.

Maybe if Dad decided to go out somewhere, I'll walk over to Clarence's camp. I'm desperate.

Later - Clarence, dear - I'm warning you. This is getting a little ridiculous.

More later - I'm gettin mad!!!

Still more later - NO SIGN, NO SHOW. I'm starving!! How about a nice juicy steak, smothered in A1 sauce

April 9, 1973
6:30 p.m.
Spring Break is over

I went back to school today, and it was OK. More on that later.

Dad is out in the kitchen chewing Dick out (again). He's making me SO MAD!!! Dick didn't even do anything, just talked back to old man Romero. But the guy had it coming! That little Alva creep, boy ... one of these days, man. Dick and me went over to the school - Clarence, Tim and Roger were there. Clarence got mad, madder than I've ever seen him in my whole life, at Tim. They were cussing each other out and Clarence was just steaming. I told Dad that I'm going to Karen's Job's Daughters meeting tonight, which is about as true as saying I weigh 40 lbs. Actually I'm going to wander over to Clarence's house and see him.

John wrote to me again today, and part of his letter says: "I got your letter today, and it's nice to hear that you don't really like Clarence, though I wasn't really ever worried about it (!?!?!) I'm having quite a lot of fun, but I really miss you ..." That's so sweet - and it makes me feel so guilty.

Later:

I decided not to leave, so I sat out in the living room with Dad and watched "Wait 'Till Your Father Comes Home." At 8:00 I went out to see Jasper's puppies, and just then guess who came walking up the street - Roger and Clarence. We stood outside and talked for an hour - mostly about cars, the stars, littering, and what a creep Tim O'Brien is. Clarence put his arms around me a couple of times, but nothing spectacular. My dad kept standing at the kitchen window, pretending to "do his ironing." Bull! He was spying on us, plain and simple. Clarence tore his Air Force jacket to shreds, first the patches, then the pockets, then the arms and side seams, until he threw it up into our tree and couldn't get it down. (It's still up there. Mental note: must remember to get it down, to "treasure always.") They kept knocking over our mailbox, and yelling "Rape!" and "Hi there Roger." Points with my Dad, ha ha ha. After Dad strutted out on the front porch at 9:00 and announced, "Terri, it's time to come in!" I left, before Clarence could kiss me. I don't know why. Then, right before I went to bed, Dad said "Clarence is a complete strike-out as far as I'm concerned." Well, tough shit, Daddy dear - it's MY decision.

Tuesday night
April 10, 1973

I honestly don't see why God loves me so much. I really don't. He just practically saved my whole life tonight, after I completely turned my back on Him.

At 6:30 - a call from Karen. We chatted for a few minutes. Then she says "Come on over." Good idea! So, "Hey Dad, I'm going over to Karen's for a while, OK?" and he says "Yah, sure, fine, just be home at 9:30." So I went over to Karen's, we goofed around for about an hour. There were about a million little neighbor boys hanging around, including Tim & Danny H., Jim B., etc. and we just sat in her front yard and talked to them. About 8:00 - a phone call for Karen. It was Clarence, wanting to talk to me. To make a long story short & simple, I ended up over at Clarence's house, in their camp that they've built behind the house. It's really cool - nicely built, with 2 bunk beds, chair & table, electric lights, radio and record player. All the lights were off, and Clarence and me were sitting (sitting? laying?) in the big chair together. Very "friendly." Tim was a real pest at first, but after he left we had the place all to ourselves. I knew I should leave, because it was getting late, but I just couldn't. Clarence was really getting aroused, I could just tell from the way he was kissing me. He practically had me pinned down. When I finally left, around 10:15, I was scared stiff. What on earth was Dad going to say??? Well, that's where the Lord provided His grace, for reasons known only to Him. Dad wasn't home! He'd gone over to Lucky's a short time after I'd left for Karen's!

Why do I feel so guilty, Lord? I just don't know what to do ... Help!! Lord Jesus!

Wednesday
April 11, 1973

Crummy pen - a bottle of Pepsi - bloody nose - "party" pains - and only a few seconds to write.

Both John and Clarence were at Bible Study tonight - what a mess!!!! We were sitting there looking at the slides of past retreats, for about the 4 millionth time, when all of a sudden JOHN just came walking in. I was so happy to see him!!! But I must say, it certainly does make things more confused. Clarence is mad at me, I think (by the way he was acting). You'd think that after last night he'd be nothing but a fountain of love. Oh well. Him, Roger, Jerry, Karen and I walked home in "stony silence." Gee, I just don't know who to like, John or Clarence. Brian says I should stay with John. Penny says I should go with Clarence. HELP!! I can't decide! Everybody keeps calling me a "two-timer" and "fickle." I can't make a decision. I think that I want to stay with John - mainly for the security, and because he's a Christian - but still, I've been having fun with Clarence. He moves fast - a lot faster than John ever will - but not too fast for me to handle. Hmmm ...

I only got a B- on my teddy bear pillow in Home Ec. I'm so mad!!! I hate that class, I hate it, hate it, HATE it.

I had real bad cramps all day long. I'd like to stay home tomorrow - school has hit an all-time low - but still, I enjoy being with my friends. I wish summer were here. Only 41 more days of school ...

Thursday
April 12, 1973

I saw both John and Clarence at school today, but I spent most of my time with Clarence. He walked me to all my classes, as usual. This morning in the cafeteria, Clarence, Karen and me just sat at a table and talked, and John was sitting a few tables behind us. I could feel him watching me the whole time! He knows that I like Clarence - everybody keeps telling him.

After dinner, I went over to Karen's and stayed until 8:00. Her, Jerry Turner and me just sat in her yard, listening to the radio (they played "Rocket Man"!), watching the stars and talking. Then Mark R. and Chuckie B. came over, everybody was throwing grass down everybody's back. At 8:00 I walked with Jerry Turner over to his house. Clarence and Roger passed by us on the street coming home from Teen Club, but Clarence completely ignored me! The only thing he said to me was "See ya around." I was so hurt.

John called me tonight, and so did Jerry & Roger Turner.

Friday
April 13, 1973 (Friday the 13th!!!)

Another far-out evening with Clarence. I'll try to make a long story short.

Karen spent the night, and around 7:30 Clarence and Roger came over, as usual. I was just sitting in my bedroom eating a dish of ice cream and watching "That Girl," when all of a sudden Karen came bursting into my room screaming "THEY'RE HERE!! TERRI, THEY'RE HERE!" Well, we went outside and talked to them for about an hour. Clarence kept doing his monster imitations ("Igor's coming ..."), and him & Roger kept fiddling with the flags on the mailboxes out in front. Roger scratched the words "Clarence & Terri" onto one of them. It remained on the mailbox until the house was torn down, decades later. Roger had to leave at 8:30 but Clarence stayed for another hour or so, until after Dad went to bed. He (Clarence) was in a rotten mood then - very quiet and pensive, staring at the stars. I don't know why, but I like him like that. After Dad went to bed and turned off all the lights, Karen and I pulled a "no-no" ... we went over to Clarence's with him. I was scared to death - I kept thinking, "Oh no, what if Dad finds out," etc. etc. I figured, "Oh, we'll only stay for a little while." We got there at 10:15 - and we stayed until 3:00 in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was fun - I have to admit that, even though I feel guiltier than all heck about it. We just sat (SAT?!?!) around in the living room until all hours of the night, watching all the midnight rock concert specials. At first Clarence and me had to lay on the floor, while Karen and Bob had the couch, but when they went outside for a minute Clarence and me grabbed the couch. We stayed there the whole time. Most of the time we layed on the couch, really "cozy." (Except for when Clarence got up to get something to eat.) He was really getting turned on - he kissed me about 84 billion times. There was just no way I could've kept count. The room was dark, and it was so romantic. Karen and Bob were all tangled together on the floor. Clarence had one hand up my shirt, the other one playing around with my pants. I know how dirty that sounds, but really, I wouldn't have let him do anything I would've been sorry for. He told me that he loved me!!! Twice!

Terri: Why do you keep tickling me?
Clarence: Because I love to tickle you.
Terri: Why? Clarence: I love to tickle you because I love you."

LATER

Terri: Am I your buddy?
Clarence: No ... you're my lover.

And once, he announced in his most sinister Boris Karloff voice, "I'm going to take over your body!" I was so far out of it I go, "Fine," and he said "You wouldn't care if I did, would you?" Other nice things he said: well, he remarked that he thought my body was just "perfect" and that my hair was "beautiful" (I told him I was going to get it cut). After the last TV program was over, Bob turned off the TV, turned off all the lights so it was completely pitch dark, and put on a Simon & Garfunkel tape. When they were playing this one song, I don't know what it's called, it's right after "The Boxer" and the refrain goes "Here I am ..." (it was "The Only Living Boy in New York") - I was really getting stirred. The song was so beautiful, Clarence was so close. I'm sure that something would have happened - Clarence was really starting to get turned on - when all of a sudden his Dad comes marching out into the living room, saying "Do you have any idea what time it is, fellas?" He sounded MEAN! So Karen and I took the not-so-subtle hint and left. Clarence and Bob walked us home in silence.

Karen and I were scared - if my Dad was up and waiting for us, he was bound to skin us alive. We snuck around the side of the house and sat in Dick's fort for a while, just Karen and me and talked about everything that had happened. Then we went in and went to bed.

Saturday
April 14, 1973

I'm "Grandma-sitting" today. When I go home, I'll probably find out if Dad heard us come in at 3 in the morning or not, and if he's mad. Oooh, scarey.

MY MAIN WORRIES:

1. Who I like - John or Clarence
2. My Spanish term paper, due on Monday
3. My Home Ec sewing project

Poor John ... I wonder what all this is doing to him. I feel like the world's biggest rat.

There are 2 albums and 1 single that I HAVE to get. (Grandma: "Half an hour, and Grandpa'll be home.") I want to get: 1. Simon & Garfunkle's Greatest Hits (LP) 2. Johnny Nash, "I Can See Clearly Now" (LP) 3. "Stuck In The Middle With You" (45) favorite song!

Later at night:

Nothing at all happened after I got home from Grandma's. Karen didn't come over, neither did anyone else. I didn't even get to see Clarence once!!! And I miss him so much.

Everybody is making me feel so guilty about dropping John - like I'm murdering him or something. I talked to Phil on the phone for a little while this afternoon, and that's exactly how he made me feel. I can't help my feelings - they just happen. Why can't I like them both??? That's what I don't understand. What's the big deal, anyway?

Rob and Debbie Colvin got married today, but I didn't go to their wedding (I was too tired).

Sunday
April 5, 1973

Went to church this morning. I wore my brown herringbone jumper (circa 1970) and white blouse. I sat up in the balconey with John, Phil and Karen. I told them that I don't like Clarence - but now I'm not so sure. It all depends, I guess, on whether or not I see Clarence at church tonight. Actually -- and I obviously hadn't figured this out yet -- it "depended" on who I was with at any given moment. I needed always, ALWAYS to have a boyfriend, wherever I might be, at any given moment. That meant that if I was at church I wanted John, and if I was at school I wanted Clarence. I wanted The Always-There Boyfriend, basically. I found myself in this stoopid and selfish situation over and over again, during my teen years.

When I got home, Dad and I went to Southcenter for a little while. I bought an album at DJ's, "I Can See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash, and the 45 single "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheels. First, before we went to Southcenter, we had to track down Ryan R. over at his Aunt Joanie's, and get my $5.00 back from him. He took it this morning during church, as a joke (ha ha, real funny) and he forgot to give it back.

I think I'm going to stay home from school tomorrow (did I?) to finish up my term paper.

I LOVE the song "Cream Puff" (on my new Johnny Nash album) !!!!!!!!!!!!!

At church tonight we're supposed to see the movie "His Land."

Tuesday
April 16, 1973 8:00 p.m.

I've made up my mind, definately, as to who I like ... Clarence. By a landslide. That feels weird saying it (writing it?) but it's true. I really like him a whole, whole lot. He's such a sweet guy, and he likes me too - that's the good part. Him, Roger, me and Karen all walked home together again, as usual. It was pouring down rain - hailing, even - and he had his arm around me the whole time. It was really cool. He didn't come over tonight at all, though - I guess the rain stopped him. Drat. I wish he'd call me ...

He came over last night, him and Roger. I was out in the kitchen around 7:30, standing at the counter cutting myself a nice thick slice of coconut cream pie. It was pitch dark outside. All of a sudden, something banged on the kitchen window!!! After I picked my heart up off the floor (!) I went outside and talked to them until almost 9:00. He kissed me goodbye, 2 times. Cool! (Eat your heart out, John baby.)

Today - Penny Thomas and me started the calligraphy for the yearbook. I saw Clarence's picture - it is SO SEXY!! Karen thinks so too. It really is cute. Clarence cut his hair last night, that little creep, even though I told him not to!! It doesn't look too bad, but I can't wait till it grows back again. Gotta be careful about haircuts, Clarence. Bob doesn't like Karen anymore, I think. Kar and me went over to Clarence's house yesterday after school.

Next album to buy: "Son of Schmilsson" (for the song "Spaceman")

Clarence's "sexy" yearbook photo
1973

Take her - if it has to be this way
I know she doesn't really want to stay
But be careful how you hold her
Please don't ever scold her
She's my cream puff
We've been together a long long time
I know her ways and she knows mine
So be careful how you squeeze her
Please don't ever tease her
She's my cream puff
I pray to God above her
She finds another lover who loves her as much as I do
I only want to see her happy
Even though she made me cry ..

~ Johnny Nash, "Cream Puff"

Wednesday
April 18, 1973

John wasn't at Bible Study tonight because he's sick, but Clarence was lurking around out in the hallways. We had a really good Bible lesson, a study on faith, with Bob Wheatley (the minister's son) directing. Clarence, Karen and I walked home in total stony silence.

Thursday
April 19, 1973

I completely finished all the artwork for the annual today - what a nerve-wracking job. Now Miss Langlitz is all chumsy-whumsy with me. Sometimes I just don't understand that lady.

I was in a rotten mood every time I got around Clarence - I don't know why. I'm not sure if I like him or not. If only he wouldn't have gotten his darned hair cut!!! He looked so cute before he cut it ... now it'll take at least a month for it to grow in properly, the way I like it. That really makes a difference in the way I feel about a guy, y'know? I know that sounds awfully shallow - superficial judgement and all that - but I suppose that when I get older, I'll have a more mature approach towards the whole thing. One of these days I'm going to have a boyfriend with indestructible hair ...

Clarence's hair is kind of weird, anyway - long brown curls shooting out all over the place, like somebody stuck his toes into a light socket or something.

I've got so many obligations to fulfill tonight - YUCK. I feel like just ditching the whole thing. I've got to finish my *%^&$&$ term paper, due tomorrow; write a skit for Spanish, due tomorrow; and finish my Washington History, due tomorrow. CRUM!!! I just don't have any scholastic energy in my whole body ... I'll be so glad when tomorrow's over.

This day - April 19, 1973 - was the day I officially broke the ties with John Riley. And I burned all my bridges behind me ... No I didn't. I let things drag on for another few weeks, actually: I had become addicted to the drama.

Friday
April 20, 1973

What a thrilling Friday night. Went to the Good Friday communion service at 7:00, and did our play, "Who Did It." When it was over, a bunch of us walked over to The Way Inn to see a movie.

Saturday
April 21, 1973

Another one of those far-out, romantic evenings with Clarence - this makes four - but this time, there was a surprise ending. A bad surprise.

Around 8:00 Karen and me were running around the house (she spent the night), playing records on the stereo in the living room, and wishing Clarence would come over. The phone rang about 3 times, and although we died of heart failure each time it was only Brian Watkins trying to get Thea's phone number. Then things started happening. The doorbell rang while Dad was gone for a minute. "I BET THAT'S CLARENCE!" I ran to answer it, but there wasn't anybody there. ??? So went around the side of the porch, and out of the dark jumps Clarence and Roger. Heart attack!! They stayed for 2 hours - or, rather, Clarence stayed - Roger had to leave at 9:00. We just sat on the couch, watching "All In The Family," "Bridget Loves Bernie," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and "The Bob Newhart Show," with only brief interruptions from Dad. I "did my algebra" a little bit, but nothing too passionate. Clarence was wearing a ring!!

After "Bob Newhart," it was time for Clarence to go home. Karen and me wanted to go with him, so I asked Dad and he said OK, just so long as I was back by midnight. We went over to his house and his mom and dad were gone. But Mike, Steve and Joe (his little brothers) were all there, so things were "clean." Clarence and me sat on the couch, and even though Karen was sitting in the chair on the other side of the room, that didn't stop Clarence. He was really going at it. Even when I'd be standing up, and all the others would be out in the kitchen, he'd come and grab me, and pull me into the corner to kiss me. When his parents got home, we sat in the living room and talked to his Dad for a little while. Then we went down into Clarence's room, Clarence and me and Karen. All the lights were off except for Clarence's black light, and him and me were laying on his little bed - and Karen was sitting on the foot of the bed. !!!!

We had to leave at 1:00, and Clarence walked us home. When we got to my house, Dad was MAD! Somebody had sneaked out into our backyard and completely burned down my brother's fort. Dad was madder than all hell, and had ten million policemen swarming the area. Besides that, we were an hour late, and Dad screamed at me, Karen and Clarence - letting us see his displeasure - and grounded me for a week. Things were very unhappy.

Easter Sunday
April 22, 1973

This was Clarence's 16th birthday.

I didn't go to church or anything, because of being grounded, but I did give Dad an Easter card, the one I had planned to give to John, to try and soften him up a little, and Karen gave me a chocolate bunny. I super-cleaned the kitchen, and was little Miss Goodness & Sunshine all day. That put Dad in a good mood, and he lifted my restriction. (I knew he would.) In the evening I went to church (Body Life) and Clarence came too. He was in a rotten mood - walked home barefoot, for no reason at all. That crazy nut.

Monday
April 23, 1973

Quickly - new 6 week grading period, so I have a new schedule. I have first lunch now with Clarence, John Sharrick, Christy Holtman, Karen, etc. Sat by them & Carl Hallagin. What a thrill. This was the first day (Clarence's friend) Carl ever said anything nice to me (first day he ever said ANYTHING to me, period).

This was the day that: Mr. Bartholick kept shuffling me around all over the room, and I got so mad ... I cut out my smock in Home Ec, with Amy's help ... we got our grades. My grades:

Spanish - D (what I expected, but good)
Algebra - D (better than I expected)
World History - A (better than I expected)
Home Ec - D (what I expected)
Journalism - B (about what I expected)
Science - B (better than I expected)

Man, I am really going to be understanding about (my future daughter's) grades, I tell you.

Clarence is mad about something, as usual.

Tuesday
April 24, 1973

This pen is going to die any second - I can just tell.

Dad is in an A number 1 terrible mood today - mainly because I forgot to turn the heat down before I left for school this morning.

Later - Dad's in a better mood now, but CLARENCE was in a rotten mood.

Wednesday
April 25, 1973

Dad was in another rotten mood when we got home from school - Lord knows why. The minute we came through that door, he jumped all over our backs about how we're trying to burn the house down, etc. etc. He really ruined the evening.

We had an assembly at school during 2nd hour - it was an exchange concert with Cascade, and it was really rotten. Especially this one number they did - "You're So Vain." They butchered it, believe me. I sat between Chris and Clarence, and John was sitting only a few feet away in the bleachers. I kept watching him.

John Sharrick got beaten up by Anna and her friends after school, because he said something insulting about Indians (Anna's an Indian). In 1973, "Indian" was still politically correct. Clarence was going to stay and fight with him, but instead he walked home with Karen and I. He was in a terrible mood - wouldn't say a word. It was awful. I really don't understand him when he's in these moods. Also, Chris found out that he's on complete restrictions - from the phone, from visitors, from everything - until at least the end of the school year. CRUM!! (Chris found this out when she tried to get a hold of him on the phone, and she talked to Mrs. Trepanier.)

These are the classes I'm going to take next year in high school: Sophomore English, Music History, P.E., Biology 1 & 2, Art 1 & 2, Geometry 1 & 2. What a rotten schedule.

Friday 7 a.m.
April 27, 1973

It's very early in the morning - I haven't gone to school yet - and I feel like writing something. This day is going to be SO BUSY - there's going to be cheer tryouts and ASB elections first thing in the morning, for one thing. I really am praying for those 12 girls trying out for next year's cheer staff - I know exactly how it feels, to be so scared & nervous & everything, and then finding out you didn't make it. Last year it was just one big popularity contest, and everybody knew it. They shouldn't have even bothered trying out - they should've just said, "OK, Kathy H., Denise M., etc. etc., you can be the cheerleaders next year," since everyone knew they were going to be elected anyway. This year it's different, tho - all the most popular 8th grade girls, the ones that would have made it without a shadow of a doubt, either didn't make it or they didn't bother trying out. So the 12 that did make screening aren't exactly the most popular girls in the school, but they are the girls most likely to do a good job. I wish them all luck.

I wonder what Clarence is going to be like today - probably a grouch, as usual. Last night Dad dropped me off at Albertsons (we'd just gone to Grandma's so I could do some laundry for the retreat) and I bought some color film, flashcubes remember "flashcubes"?? and Noxzema. Bob Trepanier (Clarence's big brother) was there, and after I'd bought my stuff him and me walked up to the school. Karen was there, of course, "nonchalently" waiting for Bob. He told me that he likes Karen as a good friend, but no more. Karen thinks he likes her. I hope she doesn't embarrass herself by expecting more from him than he wants to give. I can't wait for the retreat!!

Later:

We left for the retreat at about 4:00. I sat by John on the way over, but he slept most of the time. When we got to Miracle Ranch, we got into our cabin groups. I am in Cabin #4 (Utah) with Patty, Kathy Nelson and, last but not least, Karen, and our counselors are Robin B., Karen B. and Carol G. We played this one game where the girls had to chase the guys.

Me with John Riley during the Miracle Ranch retreat.
This was the only picture ever taken of the two of us together, as far as I know.
April 1973

While we're at Miracle Ranch, another girl starts paying attention to John. Basically, I go apeshit. Never mind the fact that I've just spent the past month making out with Clarence: all of a sudden *I* am the injured party here.

Saturday afternoon at Miracle Ranch
4/28/73

Well, I hope that little bitch, Laurie Q., is VERY HAPPY with my ex-boyfriend, John - they make a perfect couple. Karen called her a slut - I'm not sure if I agree with that or not, but I sure am mad! I'm so pissed-off, I'm surprised I can even talk straight. I should have known it was coming. She's been hanging around John ALL DAY LONG, talking to him, walking with him, taking his picture a million times, etc. etc. Now John's spent the entire afternoon with her - they've gone on 4 horseback rides together. And then she made him go get her coat for her. That's a little too much!! After all, here I am - I gave up Clarence to go back with him - and what is he doing?? I've never been so hurt and confused in my whole life. Now I understand how John must have felt when I went off with Clarence, but it's still NOT FAIR!!

I HATE LAURIE Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later:

Oh now she swears up and down, "I don't like John" (they finally gave up on the horses). Sure Laurie, sure. I really do believe her - so why am I being such a bitch about the whole thing?? I don't understand myself at all - I'm acting like it's a Big Tragedy or something. I feel so hot and feverish, like I'm ready to bite someone's head off any second.

Sunday
April 29, 1973 9:00 p.m.

Looking back on this weekend - the retreat, church tonight, everything - I would say it has to be a candidate for #1 Worst Weekend of the Year. I'm not kidding - I've never had so many people mad at me, thinking I'm conceited and knifing me in the back, as I have this weekend. It's really been a nightmare.

I've been in a crummy mood to start with, so all these problems I've been faced with have all been really blown out of proportion. I don't want to hate Laurie - I don't, I really don't - but I DO hate her. And it bugs me, a whole lot. This whole situation has really depressed me, and it all started when she came into my life. I suppose my hatred stems from jealousy, which is asinine. I feel so protective of John - I hate it whenever he even TALKS to another girl. It just kills me. That's the main reason I've gone back to him - jealousy. The minute I broke up with him, Connie Brown started making her move for him. The thought of John and any other girl but me was enough to send me into hysterics. So I went flying back to John, like a mother hen or something. I was lucky he took me back, too - another guy might not have. So, I guess the main reason I hate Laurie so much is because whenever she's around John, I get so jealous. I'd probably feel the same way if it was any other girl besides Laurie, too. It's just that she spent so much time with him, and then she says sweetly, "Oh, I don't LIKE John," and then she starts talking about him like they're buddy-buddies or something. I don't like it when she hangs around Phil or Mike, either. That's the really dumb part -- but it's just that I consider all the kids in our crowd at church to be my special friends. I count on them when things are rough, and we sort of help each other out. We've always been so close-knit, and now it seems like we're all drifting apart. Outsiders are coming into my little world, upsetting the balance. I'm not ready for things to change! I want things to stay the same. Maybe that's another reason why I've gone back with John - I've gotten so used to him, and he to me. And I like the security that that feeling brings - to know that somebody really cares about you deeply, for what you really are. But now my feelings of security have been shattered - threatened. There's a chance that I might lose John to someone else, and the thought of that just tears me up inside. Even if Laurie doesn't like John, "except as a friend" like she claims, that's not going to change John's feelings for her any - I mean, HE could just start liking her anyway, regardless of what she feels for him. She knows how it upsets and hurts me when they're together - so why does she persist in being with him so much? To spite me? I'm not suggesting that they don't talk to each other at all. It's just that why is saying one thing and doing another? My main problem is that I'm overly jealous and overly protective.. I'm just so afraid of losing John!!! Is it so wrong to love a person so much that you want to know they feel the same way?

I learned something about myself this weekend, and when the realization finally hit me, it was like a thunderbolt had struck me. It just explained my whole attitude, and this is it: basically, I'm a very insecure person - almost to the point of it being detrimental to my personality. I'm SO SCARED that people won't love me, that I constantly need proof of their love. Like, if John isn't with me every single second (or Mike, or Phil, or even Karen) I get to feeling, "Oh, he hates me - nobody wants me." That's why I'm so possessive.

Well. time for bed. More tomorrow.

Monday
April 30, 1972

This is being written during Washington History class. I just had lunch - half a cheese sandwich, half an ice cream bar and some toffee (real nutritious, huh?) After lunch, I talked to Clarence. Thank goodness he's not mad at me!! The way he was acting in Home Room this morning - he was just sitting there, with one big FROWN on his face. :( I was positive that he was really super-upset about something. But he's not. He got his hair cut again!!! A lot shorter, too, but surprisingly it doesn't look bad. It makes him look older, in a way. He's in a pretty good mood for a change.

I almost stayed home this morning - I felt so upset and confused about everything that happened this weekend, with Laurie (yuck) and John and Karen and everything - I felt like I needed a little time to think about things and straighten myself out. As a matter of fact, I stayed in bed until 15 minutes to 8 before I finally decided to go to school. The only reason I came to school was because of Clarence.

Later:

Clarence was very "attentive" today - great. Now I really don't know what to do ("My mind becomes confused"). This weekend I officially got back with John - we were sitting together, holding hands, just like old times - and if I allow myself to get carried away with Clarence again, then John's gonna think I was just using him this weekend. Besides, if I drop John, Laurie Q. will undoubtedly swoop down and get him, since she's now officially "free & unattached." (She broke up with Brian last night.) Drat her - I know just exactly what she's going to do - set her fangs on every guy in the church, one by one - Phil, Mike, Ryan, etc. MY territory!!

She has made my life so miserable. Why doesn't she settle down with one nice, eligible guy like Jeff P. (ha ha ha ha) and then STAY there?

I would be willing to bet you ten million bucks that if John and I bust up for good, Laurie'd be onto him in 2 seconds flat.

May 1, 1973
Tuesday

I don't WANT to go to school today!!! But I might as well ...

Later:

I went to school after all, but during 4th period history, right after lunch, I went home with a "headache." Now I've got a couple of free hours to myself - glee, glee. (Dad's off hauling garbage.)

May 2, 1973
Wednesday, late

AT LAST!!!! After nearly 24 long hours of waiting and waiting, I finally got a radio recording of "Free Electric Band" (by Albert Hammond). OH JOY!! I've been waiting SO LONG. It's a nice, clear recording too - I used Dad's stereo to record it.

I almost didn't go to school (again) but a quick prayer and a flip of the coin decided for me. School was OK - I wore my red, white and blue sweater and practically dripped all day, I was so hot. I got real mad at Clarence and Mark Brown - Mark told me during Science that Clarence is thinking about going after Susan Hartinger again. Real cool. And as if that wasn't enough, he also said "Clarence is really pissed at you because you're always talking about John Riley." So I told Kim to tell Clarence that I was really upset about what Mark had told me. I don't know how he took it, but he walked about 10 feet behind Karen & me the whole way home. We never said a word, whereas he usually walks home with us.

Church tonight was OK. Most of the regulars were at Basic Youth (including Karen, Phil, Ryan & Jim) so things were relatively quiet. It was really peaceful for a change. and I think we were all really blessed by the things Bob had to tell us. Of course Laurie and Thea were there, which wrecked an otherwise perfect evening. After the meeting they both stuck to John like a couple of horseflies or something, LITERALLY leaving me out in the cold. Mike came and talked to me for a while, but I felt about as wanted as a wet piece of bread.. I got a ride home from Mr. Riley but John didn't even hold my hand. That's a bad sign.

May 3, 1973
Thursday

I woke up this morning with an ishy cold, so I'm going to stay home. Oh DARN (ha ha)

I think I'll have Kar talk to Clarence today.

Later:

She talked to him all right, during lunch, and he was a real creep about the whole thing. She asked him if he was mad at me, and all he said was "Why should I tell you?" And then, to top things off, Dick walked home with Roger. Clarence walked a few feet in front of them, and he looked PISSED. Dick said "What's the matter with him?" and Roger said, "Oh, your sister broke up with him." Gee, I didn't know that.

May 4, 1973
Friday

Stayed home again. TGIF.

May 5, 1973
Saturday

I miss Clarence so much ... I feel all empty inside without him. I haven't seen him for days, and it's killing me. I don't even know if he's still mad. I wish he wasn't on restrictions, so that he could come over here, or I could go over there, or he could call me, or SOMETHING. I haven't been alone with him for 2 weeks!!!

Karen was going to spend the night tonight but she decided to babysit instead. I'm not surprised - I knew this weekend was doomed right from the start. I can tell that this is going to be one rotten Saturday night. I feel like an old maid: Saturday night, and me sitting at home, eating a boysenberry pie and watching Mary Tyler Moore. What a thrill.

And now for something completely different:

I think I would like to kill Laurie Q. I'd like to tie her down, with her legs and arms spread out. Then I would pour syrup or honey all over her, and let 40 million ants crawl over her and eat her flesh alive. I'd like to see her rotted eyeballs cling to decaying flesh - hear her screams of terror and pain as the little insects chew their way inside of her guts, gnawing at her brain.

Sunday
May 6, 1973

God, why did she (Laurie) have to start coming to our church, anyway?? She's wrecked my whole life - made a total disaster out of my social life. I hate her so much, I hate her, I HATE her!!!! Things were just fine at church until SHE started coming. Why doesn't she DIE or something? ANYTHING to get her out of my life.

Later:

I'm on restrictions again - one week. Dad and me got into a big argument on the way home from ValuMart (Karen was with us) - I screamed at him, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!" It was terrible.

Lord Jesus, you say you love me. So why is this all happening to me, all at once?? Don't you care about me anymore??? Maybe I should have Karen ask Phil to ask Mike to ask John to ask Jesus if He still likes me.

More Later:

I'm going to make this short since I don't feel like writing it all out. John and Laurie like each other officially. I'm crushed - I feel like my whole world is caving in. But I had a long talk with Dad about it tonight after I got home, in front of the fireplace - I told him all my troubles, and he really understands. Praise the Lord. I've never cried so much in my whole life as I've cried this past week - it's been terrible. All of a sudden my whole life seems pointless. Why should I even bother anymore? Nobody really cares, it seems -

The thing that really hurts is that Laurie knifed me in the back - she always smiled and said, "John and I don't like each other, Terri, he likes you! We're just friends!" and I believed her, like an idiot. So now it turns out that she likes him, and he likes her too. He doesn't understand why I've been so MEAN to poor little Laurie. The HELL with poor little Laurie - she's nothing more than a cheap two-cent little slut. I never ASKED her to swipe my boyfriend - I think that's about as LOW & UNCHRISTIANLIKE as you can get. I gave up Clarence for him, and what does he do?? Turns right around and dumps me. My whole life is a mess.

Monday 1:30 p.m.
May 7, 1973

I stayed home from school again today - feeling the way I do, I don't think that I could stomach the tensions and pressures of the 8 to 3 grind. I didn't get any sleep at all last night - I kept waking up, and I'd feel this terrible heavy weight in the pit of my stomach. Then I would REMEMBER, and I'd feel so lonesome I could die. I'd just lay there, staring into darkness and crying as tho my heart would break. When I did manage to grab a few minutes of sleep, I'd dream - feverish, sad dreams. I dreamed one time that John was holding my hand. I was so happy - and then I woke up.

I can't go back to church. I realize that now. The pain and the shattered pride are hard enough to take, without having to see Laurie & John together, rubbing it in. I've wondered for a long, long time how this whole thing was going to turn out - but it's funny - I'd always imagined that I would be the one to break it up. I never for one minute believed that John would hurt me like this. I guess I just took him for granted - I never really realized that he was capable of liking anybody else but me. Oh, the pain is killing me. And the worst part is, John told Mike last night that John likes both me & Laurie, and he has to "think about it." That means he's not sure of his feelings for me anymore - that's really a blow to my pride. So even if he does decide to stay with me (which is unlikely) he won't really like me as much as he used to. It'll be one big pretense. And for sure he'll NEVER ask me to go with him now - not after this.

And there'll always be Laurie - menacing, shadowing, smothering. She'll do everything she can to get him away from me, just to spite me. And then, eventually, she'll win. I know that.

About the only thing left for me to do is counter-counter-attack. Just switch places with John again. For instance, if I act like I could care less about John, and start "liking" somebody else - somebody in our church clique, like Mike or Phil - he might feel jealousy, just like I do now, and want me back. But it's so deceitful, and a relationship based on jealousy and deceit is DOOMED.

I'm trying to figure this out. Do I really want John back because I love him, or because I resent Laurie taking him from me & want to prove that I'm better than her? Dear God, help me.

Thought: I FOR SURE don't like Clarence.

Tuesday
May 8, 1973

I went back to school today (yuck). John S. and Clarence came to school loaded - before class they were smoking marijuana. Great. I'm not the LEAST BIT impressed.

Clarence really hates me now. I don't know why. Elrod was telling me all these things during Spanish, and I got so depressed I sat there and cried. Apparently Clarence (quote) "dumped me" when he heard that I still liked John. I guess he was afraid I was going to drop him first - he considered it to be one big contest. At lunchtime I saw Mike Baxter. and I talked to him while he was eating his lunch (I left when John came over); I told him that I still like John. He'll probably relay that little "message" to John - I don't know if that will help or not, but it might. The ishy part, tho - is that I told Elrod that I still like Clarence! I seem to enjoy being in the position where I can hurt 2 guys at the same time. I guess the ego-building of the whole thing - having 2 guys trying for you at the same time - kind of got to me, affecting me, warping my sense of values ... I got to thinking, "Wow, I must be something special, so have so many boys in love with me!" So I didn't even mind using them. That's how screwed-up I was! So God decided to show me how very wrong my line of reasoning was, by placing me in the same position that I had been putting John into, to show me what I was doing wrong. Now I understand, Lord, and I pray that You will straighten things out between John and Laurie and me - put things the way they were. Please.

May 9, 1973

This was a depressing school day in many ways. I decided not to go on the Torch Club field trip to the University of Washington, for two reasons: I didn't want to wear a skirt, and I sort of wanted to stay around school, to see if things between Clarence and me might improve. They did. At lunchtime I sat with Karen, when Christy & John S. came over and told me that Clarence wanted to talk to me. Finally I went over to Clarence's table and talked to him for a sec. I was very cold and civil.

Me: Yeah? Whaddya want?
Clarence: silence
Me: silence
Clarence: What's the matter with you?
Me: What's the matter with - with ME? What's the matter with YOU?

Later he wrote me a note - John S. gave it to me before Home Ec. It said:

Terri,

Some people have been saying that I hate you, but I don't. I still like you a hell of a lot, and I wonder if you feel the same.

Clarence

P.S. See ya later if I'm lucky.

How romantic.

John for sure likes Laurie better than me. That really hurts me a lot, but what can I do? Nothing. Praise the Lord, though, that I don't hate Laurie anymore. I don't exactly LOVE her yet - what girl in my position would? - but at least I don't have all these demonic desires to kill her. That's a relief. For sure, tho, I'm not going to church tonight. No way. Like I told Phil when he called about 20 minutes ago, "I'm not going because I don't feel that I'm wanted."

"Not wanted? By who?" he said.

"By anybody," I replied.

I talked to Mike Baxter during lunchtime again, and the things he told me upset me so much that I was crying and upset all during 4th, 5th & 6th hours. I was REALLY upset during Home Ec, right after I'd talked to Mike again and had gotten Clarence's note. However, my tears managed to win Miss Roush's and Amy's sympathy - and, as a result, we worked in earnest together on my smock. Amy is really helping me on it - telling me what seam to sew, where to pin, what size stitch, etc.

There's a chance, by the way, that I might like Mike. I don't know yet for sure. But wouldn't that give ol' John a kick in the rear??? Especially if Mike asked me to go with him! The only thing, tho, is that I'm not sure: am I thinking of liking Mike just to "get even" with John, or do I really mean it?

I sort of want to go to church tonight, but NO WAY.

Later that same night:

I wasn't going to go to church tonight AT ALL - there was just no way that I could bear to face Laurie & John, glomming onto each other like a couple of lovesick ninnies (jealous jealous). Hey, I just had a cool thot - Laurie & John don't go to the same school, and they won't go to the same high school. How long can they last? Especially a flirt like her. When they break up, or, rather, Laurie breaks up with John, I am going to laugh SO HARD. Good heavens - what if he asks her to go with him? With MY RING?! The ring that rightfully should've belonged to ME??!! He's moving a LOT faster with her than he did with me -- the first week and he's already holding her hand. That's a bad sign. She's probably pushing him a lot, though. He'll probably ask her soon. After all, it took him TWO MONTHS to hold my hand.

I feel glum. Somehow I've got the sick feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach, that this is one couple that's going to last a long time. When John falls for a girl, he falls hard. That means that even if she breaks up with him right away, he probably won't stop liking her for quite a while. So it's highly unlikely that he'll ever come running back to me. Like Karen said at lunch today: "Face facts, Terri - you've lost him." But it seems so unreal, and worst of all, so unfair. I realize now how much I took him for granted - I never really appreciated him like I should have. And I treated him rotten, too, always flirting with other guys, teasing him, "testing" him. If I had it to do over again, I'd do a lot of things differently. For one thing, I wouldn't go running off with Clarence, like I did during the period of time this ledger covers. I wish I could have another chance.

Anyway. At 8:00 Karen called me and told me that Clarence was over at the church. I decided to go, even tho the meeting was almost over. What could I lose? So I changed my shirt, put on a coat and went over there. Kathy, Karen and me just goofed around in the church until the kids got out (looked at Jerry Turner's pictures - there's one of John and me together). Clarence and Roger were out on the balcony talking to Roger G. When the meeting was over, we all just milled around, talking. I completely avoided L & J, who were holding hands. I had a long talk with Mike - he wanted me to tell him who I like, but I wouldn't. After all, how would it have sounded, me saying "Well Mike, I think I like YOU." But I think he knows! (maybe) because he talks to me a lot - makes a POINT of talking to me - and doesn't act like he wishes he were somewhere else or something. That's cool. Besides, I asked him who he likes and he said "Nobody." But I'm not sure I'm READY to like somebody else. The scars are still fresh, y'know?

Thursday
May 10, 1973

This was a good day! (shock) 'Cause I'm in such a neat-o mood. Karen and me sat out in the front yard after school with Jasper's seven puppies. The sun is shining bright, the radio is playing. Happy, happy. Who cares about Laurie and John? I don't feel like worrying. After Karen left I talked to some little kids - Theresa Lopez from across the street, Scotty and his little friend. I ate my burned dinner, "roni-sheesh" (my baby sister's way of saying "macaroni and cheese") and hot dogs. Then after dinner - FUN TIME! Jerry Turner, Jim Abel and me went bike riding (I rode Dick's 10 speed). We rode down to the park, then to B & J's and Sunny Terrace school. We saw Skip Smith (Karen's old boyfriend) and we passed by Clarence and Roger. Later we went back to Karen's. She used Roger Turner's 10 speed, and then we four went down to 7-11. After I returned Dick's bike, I went back to Karen's house until 9:30. Jerry, Roger and Clarence were there. Clarence had his arms around me, just like old times.

What in the world do I have all over my hands?? Smells terrible, like burned rubber. Must be from the handle bars.

G'night!

Friday
May 11, 1973

I hope something good happens tonight ... it's a sunshiney day, I'm in a fairly good mood, it's going to stay light until forever - I want to GO somewhere, DO something. Maybe I'll go bike riding again tonight with Jerry. He's one of the sweetest guys I know, I mean it - he never says anything mean about anybody, and he's so willing to make people happy. That's such a refreshing change.

A lot of people at school today said that John and Laurie were together at the track meet at Highline Memorial Stadium yesterday. Well, very big deal. I refuse to let it bother me!!!!!

I feel like writing & writing & writing. I'm sitting here on my bed, listening to my Grassroots "Move Along" album on Dad's stereo. It's cool, it's cool. Finally fixed one of my favorite songs, "The Runaway" - it used to skip so bad! It'll be another thirty years before I realize that the song is called "Runway," not "Runaway."

I didn't get to talk to Mike even once today! Shoot! I only saw him one time, and that was when Clarence and me were walking to the locker after school - and Clarence had his arm around me. Naturally Mike saw me - how could he miss, I was only about one foot away from him.

Dad actually mailed in the film to be developed!! (from camp last summer)

Later that night:

I walked over to the school a little while later, while it was still light. Clarence was there by himself, playing basketball. I sat there and talked to him for about an hour. Mainly we talked about my cat Benji running away, and how much he (Clarence) likes to squish ants. Then we walked over to my house and stood out in the front yard and talked. Clarence really got hot on the subject of cars - he talked and talked and talked, and I couldn't shut him up! Dad got really pissed 'cause he couldn't find Jasper - later, Jim Abel rode by and stopped to talk to us for a while.

Clarence is supposed to come back later. Did he? (Yes.) Sikkim? (Yes.) Mood? (Happyhappyhappy)

Later:

Clarence came over - we watched TV for about 1/2 an hour, then we walked over to his house. We sat out in his camp and talked until midnight. I felt like I was loaded, I really did! After I got home, I snuck into the house - thank goodness Dad was asleep and didn't hear me come in, or I would have been on restrictions for sure! I don't think he even knew I was gone! I watched "In Concert" for a while, until about 1:00, and then I sacked out.

Saturday
May 12, 1973

Today - nothing. Lounged around home all morning, playing records full blast on the stereo and trying to keep the house cool. Stifling 80 degree weather. For a while I sat out in the front yard with Theresa and Shannon, playing with the pups and waiting for the ice cream man, who never came. After I ditched them, Karen and me walked to Albertsons - I bought a couple of ice cream bars. I ate dinner at Karen's - ham, egg noodle salad, green salad & Kool Aid.

We went to a movie at the church tonight, "The Nine Lives of Elfuego Baca." I sat by Phil and Jerry - Laurie & John sat in the back together, holding hands. What a thrill.

After the movie, Karen, Jerry and I walked to Jerry's deliberately, so we could walk past the Trepanier's. Their house was completely deserted - car gone, lights off, curtains pulled. We circled around a couple of times, looking for signs of life, but there just wasn't anybody home. So Karen and me went back to my house to spend the night. All together, a very uneventful evening.

Sunday
May 13, 1973

I didn't go to church this morning. Dad, Dick and I went over to Grandma's to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and all that ... took Puff with us. Grandma really wants a puppy, but Grandpa won't let her have one. I wish he'd let her. When we got home I went outside and sun-bathed. My arms got pink, but otherwise there hasn't been any dramatic changes in my futile attempts to achieve "post inflammatory hyper pigmentation." Karen was with me for a while, but Cyndi Abel came and swept her away. She sure has her nerve! I s'pose I'll go to church tonight, altho the prospect doesn't exactly turn me on all that much. What an attitude!

Weighty problem: Should I eat my turkey pie now, because I'm starving, or go fix something else and eat my pie later? My gosh it's only 7 minutes after 3!! But I'm HUNGRY!! And there's nothing else to do ...

Later:

I went to church, and I had a really neato fantastic time!! For one thing, Laurie wasn't there, which made the whole evening perfect. We had a movie down in the basement, "Footprint In The Sand" or something like that. It was about fossilized footprints - cool. Clarence and Roger were there, sitting way in the back. After church we just goofed around, just like old times. Clarence left early - I think he was mad 'cause I didn't talk to him. I walked home with Karen & Jerry - had a drink of water at Jerry's - and then came home and ate a bologna sandwich and drank a bottle of Pepsi under the stars. HAPPY. It's going to reach a sweltering 85 degrees tomorrow. Ooooh.

Monday
May 14, 1973

Today it was SO HOT ... school was just plain miserable. The classrooms felt like ovens, especially Science. Ugh. By the time I got home I was drenched with perspiration. What an uncomfortable feeling. I designed a couple of really cute autograph pages for the newspaper during journalism.

During lunch I got a chance to talk to Mike again. He got his hair cut - looks kinda weird, but no big deal. I told him how Clarence and John S. were really making me sick, talking about how they're gonna get loaded tonight, and where they can get some hash and all this. Karen told Mike during Band that I like him - or, rather he guessed. I didn't get all the details from Karen, but from what little I heard, I gather that he just looked at her for a sec and then walked away. Huh. Good sign? Bad sign?

After school, I went over to Karen's and sunbathed. She sunbathed, I started a letter to Dee Dee. I took Puff with me. Kenny Robbins stopped by for a while and talked - he's really nice. After a quickie dinner of boiling bag beef (it tasted arful!!), I went bike riding with Jim and Jerry. It was really fun. We rode down to the park and watched a baseball game for a while, then we went to Albertsons and I treated them to an ice cream bar. About 8:30 we rode over to the school. Clarence was there, and I was SO SHOCKED to see him. We (Jerry & me) hung around for a while. Clarence, Tim O'Brien and Ken Lancer were there, playing basketball, so we watched. Clarence was terribly "friendly," if you know what I mean. I guess he was just in one of his rare good moods. He walked me home with Tim, and kissed me goodbye. Right there in our driveway! How indecent. (Ha ha, I sure don't mind)

Oh - I talked to Jim for a while, and he told me some things about Clarence that I didn't know. Apparently Jim and Clarence have been talking. Well, they were talking about drugs and stuff, and Clarence told Jim about how his Dad always takes drugs and all that - he always smokes grass around home. Clarence said that he got high with his Dad about once or twice a week, and that he'd "never touch the harder stuff." Also, here is a fragment of that same conversation:

Jim: "Terri ain't too bad, is she?"
Clarence: (smiling) "No, she ain't ... but I'd never try to screw her, 'cause I know she'd kill me."

That's right, Clarence.

Look - I know he smokes grass, and I know that he's fooled around with girls before. But I also know one other thing - he loves me a whole lot, and he really cares about me. If I broke up with him, it would hurt him. So, he's not about to try anything that he knows would make me mad, like trying to get me to blow grass or trying to go too far. I'm confident in his sincerity. Whether that confidence is well-founded, I have yet to discover.

May 15, 1973

Today it was a lot cooler - thank the Lord. Outstanding features of this day: well, right before 5th hour Science when I was on my way to class, this 8th grade guy named Ricky McNcNeill came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder.

Ricky: I'm supposed to tell you that Mike Baxter likes you.
Me: WHAT?!
Ricky: I'm supposed to tell you that Mike Baxter likes you!
Me: Who told you to tell me?
Ricky: He did.

I know he does, because both Karen and Jim told me tonight. Hmm. He also knows that I like Clarence too, even tho I've been talling him all along that I hate Clarence. Que lio! Que trastorno!

Tonight was OK. I puttered around on "my" bike with Jim for a while, but it wasn't much fun without Karen & Jerry. Then Kar borrowed Jim's bike for about 1/2 an hour and we rode up and down 134th (Clarence's street). We stopped at his house when we saw two of his little brothers, Mike and Steve, standing out in the middle of their front yard with their fishing poles. (?) Didn't see Clarence tho. Later I sat out in Karen's front yard with her and Jim and the radio, and we just talked. Clarence was up at the school playing basketball - after a while he finally came over and talked to us for a while. He wants to join the Army!! Oh no!! He could, too - he's old enough, 16). Shoot - he'd better not. If he does, I'm going with him!!

He walked me home, but he didn't kiss me goodbye or anything - maybe 'cause he had a basketball in his hands!

Wednesday
May 16, 1973

Only 16 more days of school left!! Can't wait, can't wait. How time flies when you're having fun (hardy har har). I'll write later - right now I want to go to bed and listen to records.

Next morning:

I just woke up - slept in a little too late - but I feel so sacked out, I'm not ready to jump up and go running around, so I'll write a little bit.

Wednesday was an OK day. I wore my scuzziest, most faded, unraveled, unpatched jeans, my moth-eaten blue T-shirt and my tennies with the holes in the sides. I felt like a real slob - a comfortable slob, tho, so I liked the feeling. Clarence was in another really good mood. In History, we went up to the library, and I sat by Christy Holtman & John Sharick, Penny Dewey & Pat Stonehocker. I felt so out of place. I mean it. I don't understand why ... I just did. After school Karen came over. We walked over to the store - saw Clarence at the basketball court.

Thursday
May 17, 1973

What a frustrating evening! At about 7:00 I went over to Karen's. She said she'd seen Clarence walk by earlier, so we sat in her backyard, listening to the radio and looking for him to walk by again. He did, eventually, so we stood by the fence and talked for 'bout an hour or so. Then he started ripping up his air force jacket for no reason, and acting really weird. Kar got mad at him, so he started acting really stupid - kicking his coat (what was left of it) all over the road and stuff, until he finally just walked down the road and went home. Really mature.

Today was the day that: Andy Barber, a really cool DJ from KING, came to talk to our Journalism class ... Kevin Natario & friends came over to pick out a puppy while Kar and me were out in the backyard - HEART FAILURE! ... they took 3 puppies - all three of the "slugs." Sob! Cry!

May 18, 1973
Friday

I feel sort of happy. It's a cloudy, overcast day ... what a refreshing change from the HOT weather we've been having lately. I wore a white blouse with a green tank top over it - in spite of the cooler weather, I practically died of perspiration. Yuck. In Journalism we just sat around and talked, mainly about Andy Barber and what he said about us on the radio last night. In Algebra we were in the new room that they remodelled (sound-proofed).

Other "exciting" happenings: after school Karen, Clarence and I went to the girls' track meet. We ran against Puget, and Laurie Q. was there. Clarence and me were standing on one side of the track, and Laurie was on the other with the officials, helping keep score. Later John came and helped her (she needs all the help she can get). Clarence was holding my hand, and being a lot more attentive than John was being to Laurie. That ought to show him. I'm not going to sit around on my rear, crying over John. NO WAY. There's too many other fish in the sea.

I'm debating ... should I go swimming tonight or not? What I WANT is to be with Clarence, no matter what I do. He plans on seeing me later tonight. Hope so.

KVOS Channel 12 Bellingham

Dinner will be ready in about 15 minutes. I can't WAIT - I'm already starving. My chicken pie is baking away in the oven ... I'm going to fix a green salad with Caesar dressing to go along with it, and then top it all off with a piece of butter pecan cake ... Yum. My favorite food is chicken pot pie, with hamburgers and tacos taking a close 2nd & 3rd. Also, I LOVE Arby's potato cakes with a hot roast beef sandwich. Mmmm.

I should wash the dishes. The sink is piled ten feet high with them - dirty plates, dirty glasses, dirty silverware.

Later:

I decided to go swimming after all, and I'm glad I did. It was fun. Phil went, and so did Kelly Crouse, Clayton, Scott Erdahl, Bryan Wetzler, etc. etc. It was at Karen & Mike H.'s apartments (Canyon Estates). At first I went into the pool for a quickie dip - but I got out real soon because the guys were playing around too rough, spashing and dunking and stuff. So I got out, dried off, and went into the pool room for the rest of the time. I blew about $1.00 or so playing the jukebox. Two songs that I LOVE - "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" by Jim Croce, and "Life Is Just What You Make It" by Donny Osmond. I played ping pong for a while with Bob - hung around with Phil most of the time. Phil is getting SO CUTE!!! I'm not kidding! His hair has finally grown out of that hideous haircut, and it's back the way I like it. I like the little curl in back.

I wish Clarence would come over sorta, but then again I don't for two reasons: It's almost 11:30, and I'm so tired I'd probably fall asleep on him. (SLEEPING BEAUTY. HA HA, THAT"S A JOKE IF I EVER HEARD ONE.) Oh well ...

Saturday
May 19th, 1973
LAST JOURNAL ENTRY

This was a lazy, wasted-yet-worth-it day. I was home alone, so I listened to the stereo full-blast, watched American Bandstand (Sylvia sang "Pillow Talk" - yuck, I hate that song), washed the dishes and just lounged around. I got another crank phone call - "Is my honey there?" - Karen is going to spend the night tonight (Lord willing!) I sorta hope something happens tonight, like Clarence coming over or something. After all, it's Saturday night! But knowing the way things always turn out, the evening will probably turn out like this: Karen and me will sit around until 12:00, watching TV and eating pizza. Then we'll get tired and go to bed. WHAT FUN.

Later:

Karen came over to spend the night. We just goofed around during the early hours of the night ... I made some awful barbecued bean crap for dinner (I was the only one to eat it) and then Karen and I combined our culinary talents to bake a sour cream white cake. Mmm that was good. Theresa Lopez, the little girl across the street, called 3 times - she wanted me to bring the puppies out to play, but I had to say "no" because it was too cold. Another time she called to say she had just seen Clarence walk by.

Mike Baxter call me tonight!! Joy of joys! I don't know how on earth he got my phone number, but it was cool talking to him. We talked for about 45 minutes, just about nothing in particular (remember his & John's idea, about double-dating at the movies - me & Mike, John & Lori??? Ha ha, WHAT FUN.) Clarence called at about 9:00 - he wanted me to come over. So him and Tim came over and picked us up a few minutes later and we walked over. I was SO SCARED to ask Dad, but all he said was "Where and with who?" So I said "To Clarence's with Clarence" and he said OK, be back at 12:00. We four sat around in Clarence's camp for almost an hour, just talking, and we got into a great big discussion about Christianity and the existence of God. (argument?) Then Clarence got in trouble with his Dad, so we had to leave. Shoot! So Karen and I went over to Tim's, we sat in his bedroom and talked for a long, long time. Tim liked me last year! What a shock! Oh well, at least Clarence got to kiss me goodnight, when he walked us over to Tim's.