JOURNAL NO. 3
Sept. 1972 - March 1973
Age 14 & 15

"I've got one big zit on my chin, and about a zillion freckles."

  

(FIRST 3-4 PAGES OF JOURNAL ARE MISSING)

 

Sunday 3:00 p.m.
September 17, 1972

This is being written one week later, and boy, have I ever managed to make a total mess of things since the last time I wrote to you, Ledger.  I'll try to put it all down as best I can, without getting bogged down by all the tedious little details, so you can see what a terrific job I managed to do of screwing up my whole life.

I gave John the old "heave-ho" this morning - but it was unintentional!  At church, I ignored him completely, just like I did last Wed. night (remember? sitting with Ryan and Brian W., and Ryan saying "Stop messing around with my girlfriend!" And how mad John was?), and he figures that I'm mad at him now.

Later:

I'm at the church now, in the nursery. No one's here at all 'cept Tom Horton and Dave Curtiss. It'll be another 45 minutes before anybody gets here.

The intercom is buzzing away ... I have the feeling this is going to be one of "those" nights, very uneventful and feverish, the kind that when it's over you feel empty and unfulfilled.

While I write this, I find tears streaming down my cheeks and my heart nearly broken. I tried talking to my "beloved" Dad about Christ tonight, and it was a total, dismal flop. His mind is completely closed on the matter. 

Wednesday
September 27, 1972

Why do Brenda and Sue hate me? I could tell the way Sue felt, in second period P.E. today. I asked everybody in our locker division if they had a comb or a brush I could borrow. Nobody answered me, so I thought nothing of it and went over to ask Amy. The minute my back was turned -- although I was still within hearing range -- Brenda asked Sue for a comb. Sue took one out of her pocket, handed it to her, and said, with a very cold look directed at me (that I turned around just in time to see), "Here, use this one, but don't let anyone else use it." Then, after Home Ec, Amy informed me that she had heard Brenda say at lunch, "I hate Terri V." What have I done??  I've never been close to either of those girls, so not having their friendship doesn't tear me up all that much. All I want to know is, what is it that I do that turns people off? This happens every year, and it just plain bugs me.

Tonight, Bible Study was fantastic. I was in a super neat-o group (led by) Mr. Somebuddy - - we were in Tom Horton's office, I sat on the floor - - and the people in our group were Ryan, Phil, John, Jerry, Jim, Dave Smith, Carol and somebody else. (Two things: a.) Remember not being able to read my paper, and then reading that appropriate verse about the blind man? and b.) Writing down your own personal testimony, and me writing a whole page?) At the singing part, I sat by Ryan and John. I asked that everybody pray for my dadly. Afterwards, we all hung around for about 1/2 an hour. Karen and Jim got into another big old hairy fight, which ended with Karen storming out of the church In tears, but I guess that's normal for them. (Remember: John's "girlwatching"?)

This may sound a little strange, but after John left, Ryan & me started holding hands, walking and talking (just friends).  

Thursday
September 28, 1972

Shit! This happens every time! In an effort to get out of 3rd period P.E.., the class that I passionately despise, I skipped school and came home ... and then DAD came home early too!  Dang it! I had to use the same, worn-out old excuse, "I almost threw up in 1st period." Drat drat drat drat drat drat. That means I'm stuck here until tomorrow, unless I can think of some clever way to get back to 5th & 6th period, which I love.

Brenda & Sue were very sweet to me today - shock!

The assembly during 1st per., which honored the new Torch Club members, went very well. I was originally scheduled to (introduce) Wendy C. and  --  believe it or not  --  JOHN (!!!!!??!!), but I chickened out at the last minute and introduced Ken Neuman instead of John. I like John, for sure. Ryan is pretty sweet, and cute, and it was pretty neat the way he and I were holding hands last night, but I'm going to remain loyal to John. 

Wednesday night
October 4, 1972

Boy what a mess. Tonight, Bible Study went pretty OK as far as I was concerned. I was in a good group - Karen, Ryan, Phil, Jerry, John, me and some others, with (adult leader) Pat Foote down in the Jr. Hi room. Nobody was paying much attention to the lesson, we were all too busy having a "good time," and it sort of bugs me to think about it now. Am I just going to the church as a chance to flirt with the guys? I think so ...  it kind of hurts to see yourself in that kind of light, but it's true.

Karen & I got into another fight - she was in one terrible mood, snapping at everybody in our group, and finally I said, "Well Karen, just because you're in a bad mood doesn't mean you have to take it out on us." We got into a great big long fight, and she said something that I passed off lightly, but really hit home: "Well Terri, tell me this, are we here to goof off or to learn about the Lord?" She's right, of course, but it was just the manner in which she said it that irritated me, I guess. When the whole group got together, I went up and sat in back on the floor with John, who was sitting by Phil (naturally). Ryan sat on the other side of me. John totally, completely ignored me! I didn't think much about it though - after all, he never pays any attention to me hardly anyway, so what's new?

We saw some slides of the Lilly Dell Dunes retreat from last summer & the Bus Caravan. I saw some pictures of myself at Lilly Dell Dunes, and one of Marty (Griffeth) & Karen walking together after lunch, probably talking about me, and for some reason those pictures bother the heck out of me. I don't know why - they sort of "haunt" me in a way. They're like shadows from the past, begging me to remember ... remember ...

After the slides, Phil came up to me and announced that John was mad at me. I burst into tears, ran into the nursery and stayed there in that vicinity until the whole thing was cleared up. It turns out that John WAS mad, because, and I quote: "She's ignoring me." HA!  Boy is that ever a laff! Right before he left, John and I got a chance to talk alone out on the balcony. He said he wasn't mad anymore, and we just talked for a while. He also had a talk with Karen ...and from what little she could gather from him, he's really super confused about our relationship. Everybody's been hounding him to do something, do something, do something, and he hates it. (I don't blame him.) I just wish we could talk about it more openly, him and I, instead of hiding behind our words. Karen thinks I should give up on him, so does Ryan. I just don't know what I think. I like him very, very much, but I'm getting tired of playing hide ‘n seek all the time.

Oh yes, one more thing - boy, did I ever make one big goof tonight! (Me and my big mouth.) When John and me were talking out on the balcony, I said something that had been on my mind, but I'd never intended to mention it to John. Boy, do I wish I would have kept my big trap shut! I said, "Well, John, sometimes it seems like you and PHIL are going steady or something." Mistake, mistake!  Never accuse your boyfriend of being 'in love' with his best friend. 

October 6, 1972
Friday night

Our church group went rollerskating tonight, and boy, it was practically the best night of my life!  We went out to Auburn Roller Palace, and it was really super neat. It all started right after we'd pulled into the driveway. Tom asked Jim Abel to thank the Lord for bringing us there safely, so Jim stood up in (the) front of the bus and prayed. In his prayer he said, "... and please help us to learn about You and glorify You while we're skating." When he was finished, Tom goes: "Jim? That prayer was pretty good, except can I ask your something?" Jim: "Yah." Tom: "How can we glorify God while we're rollerskating?" Well, we got to thinking about it, and we decided that we were all going to try talking to at least one person there (who) we didn't know the Lord. Tom added his 25 cents worth too - he said he would take everybody to Baskin-Robbins (who) witnessed to at least one person. At first we were kinda scared and shy about it, but Karen and I teamed up together and went up and started talking to this one guy. We just said, "Do you know who Jesus is?" and started talking to him about the Lord and being a Christian. He said his name was Keith, and he was 15 years old. We showed him one of my tracts, "Somebody Goofed," and finally asked him if he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart. He said yes!!!! We prayed right then and there, and it was so neat!!!! Just to know that you've led somebody to the Lord, caused them to see the light, gives a person the best feeling in the world. After that we tried talking to people in groups. We'd start talking to a couple of people, and pretty soon a whole group of people would form. Some people really listened, others just snubbed us and walked away, calling us "Jesus Freaks." A couple of girls were really snobbish - "Are your pulling our leg?" - but there was one girl, Denise, who was with them. At first she too refused to listen, and was very difficult to get through to - but in the end she accepted Him and really started crying.

- Praise the Lord -

Romantically, it was a pretty good evening too. And that's what REALLY matters.  At the first couples' skate, I was just sitting there at the snack bar with Kenny and Karen. I sort of wanted John to ask me to skate and I sort of didn't, because I knew it would be a very embarrassing moment for us both when we first held hands. He was down at the other end of the rink, and it looked like he wasn't going to ask me anyway. So, I just sat there, when Jim Abel comes up and asks me to skate. I figure, what could it hurt?  It might stir John up enough for him to do something - so I said OK. We skated around quite a few times, it was pretty fun, and then we decided to call it quits. Next I skated with Shaggy (Ryan's new nickname) - it was his first time on skates , so you can imagine what a smooth ride we had. (HA!) After him and I quit, I skated up and stopped behind John, who was just sitting there. I smiled at him - but he thought I meant I wanted him to skate with me!!! When I realized what I'd done I was so embarrassed, but what could I do? We skated around, and the minute we first held hands everybody started applauding and stuff (mainly Jim Abel). It wasn't all that bad! Everytime a special event called for couples or trios, John and me got together. Neat-o.   

The best part, though, was the ride home. As usual, John and I sat together on the bus, and it was so nice and dark in there. ???????? I sat close to him, scrunched down sort of and with my knees drawn up, and I was so tired and sleepy I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder SO BAD. Somewhere, somehow I finally scraped up the raw guts to ask him! (can you believe it?) I simply said, "Do you mind if I rest my head on your shoulder?" and he sort of smiled and said "no." I leaned against him, with my head on his shoulder and my hand on his arm, and things were so nice and romantic. I "slept" the entire way, and I was delirious with happiness. We got back (to the church) at 11:30, and Joe G. drove us home. I spent the night at Karen's. 

Sunday 9:15 p.m.
October 8, 1972

I went to Sunday School and church this morning (wore my white turtleneck sweater, navy blue scooter skirt, navy knee socks and blue shoes). The 8th & 9th graders were together downstairs in the Jr. High room; (class was taught by) the Erdahls. I sat by Karen, John sat on the other side of the room, and we kept stealing glances at each other (how romantic). At 11:00 service, I sat  by Karen and John. We sang "I Was In His Mind," and Karen kept asking me all these crazy questions out of the clear blue sky ("Do you have teeth growing in the back of your mouth?")

After church Karen came over for a while, and her, me, Dad & Dick went over to Whitefront for a while. I bought a 45, "I'd Love You To Want Me" (by Lobo). 

At evening service and choir, it was really fun. We talked for 1/2 hr. during choir, about plans for upcoming Bible Studies and youth activities and stuff, and then we sang for a while (I played piano again). At evening service it was Talent Night. I sat on the floor with Kenny (he likes Connie B.!!!) and John. The best part was when Mr. Boyd played the piano solo for us. After church we hung around for about 1/2 an hour. We accidentally brought up the subject of my little rendezvous with Shaggy a couple of weeks ago, and John really wanted to know what we were talking about. Him and me were sitting on the steps of the church outside, waiting for our rides. I had my hands on his shoulders, and one time I took his arm (SO ROMANTIC!)  Karen and all the guys LEFT - so John and me were alone. Oooh, I've gotten a crush on him all over again. Love him! His brother Dennis took Karen and me home. At first John and Dennis sat up front, Karen and me in back, but after we dropped off Karen I sat up in front with John and Dennis. 

Friday
October 13, 1972

My God, my God, my God, what have I done??? I feel sick as hell, and I know I've just made an A number 1 ass out of myself. I feel so sick ... I'll never, EVER live it down, if I live to be a billion years old. Oh my God, help me ... 

Is there no comfort? This sickness, this feeling of absolute desolation ... I feel like I've just been thrown into an endless pit, as though there'll never be an ending to this sick, nauseating turmoil. Have you ever had that feeling? As though you've done something completely asinine, completely idiotic, and when you discover your mistake you feel as though you could never, ever show your face in public again? Well, that's how I feel right now. The deal is, though, that I trusted completely in someone who isn't completely trustworthy, and now I've ended up with egg all over my face. I thought I could trust Jim ... I thought he liked me well enough not to ever hurt or shame me like that. Boy was I ever wrong. That's the thing that hurts the most, knowing that you've been hurt and shamed by someone you thought you could trust. I've never been so embarrassed and outraged by anything in my life. Now it's going to be all over the church in no time, and I'll never be able to show my face there again. Why, why, WHY did I have to open my big, fat mouth and reveal to him all the "deep dark secrets of my past love life?" Probably because he sounded so sincere, and the way he was talking about Christ and his own personal Christian life, I thought for SURE he must be serious. Why didn't I put 2 and 2 together? For instance ... why would JIM be calling me in the first place? He's got his own girlfriend, Patty, and although he and I are fairly good friends, we are by no means on such "friendly" terms that he would just call me up for no reason at all. His excuse, at the time, sounded air tight - "I'm alone in the house tonight, and I've just been calling people up." Ha! Second, I KNEW that there was somebody on the line with us!  I could hear the rustlings, the muffled whispers. Why couldn't I have just shut up and not said anything that could prove to be this damaging in the long run? When he asked me if I still liked Kenny, why couldn't I have just said "No" and leave it at that (AND squashed all their little plans) instead of acting like a dumb, naive, lovesick little twerp, asking "Why do you want to know?" And why did I have to tell him about me having a crush on Kenny (last year)? Especially with Kenny right there listening??  Boy, do I feel sick.

Maybe it's not as bad as I'm making it sound. Maybe, in my anger and shame, I've blown it clear out of proportion. I should get a good night's sleep, I think, and just ask the Lord's guidance.

Result of Situation: I slept on it, and felt really horrible until morning, when Jim called up and we talked it out. He apologized, and we got on good terms. Then, on Sunday, when I was around Kenny, I could tell that it hadn't affected our friendship any.

I remember this.  Basically what happened is that my friend Jim called me, out of the blue, and suckered me into admitting that I used to have a thing for Kenny  ... while Kenny was secretly listening in on the other line.  Not exactly the end of the world, although you'd never know it from my over-the-top journal entry, but I remember that I felt really stupid and betrayed.  That's junior high school for you.

Saturday morning 8:30 a.m.
October 14, 1972

I was right. After getting a good night's sleep and asking the Lord about the situation, I feel much better. I'm still vaguely upset, but I feel that I may have even whipped up a solution. We'll see. The only thing that really bothers me now is Karen's triumphant attitude last night.

Yesterday, Friday the 13th, was a really cool day. We got our pictures!!! Mine came out O.K., but I've got one big zit on my chin, and about a zillion freckles. Yesterday was also Crazy Clothes day, followed by a dance. At the dance John and I held hands, and it was really super neat! The looks on the faces of the people when they saw us together were unbelievable. I think that that was the first and only time that our age difference bugged me in any way.

Monday
October 16, 1972

SHIT! It's happened again! I feel the exact same way I did last Friday night ... more embarassed than all hell, and twice as rotten. Why did Miss Langlitz read my note out loud, in front of the whole class?? Boy, that's sure going to help my unpopularity along. What does she have against me, anyway? I feel frozen in time ... like I'm never going to get past this. If only I can get through 3 more days ... eternity. I was so happy, in such a good mood, until Penny called and told me about it. My God, why? Why did I write that dumb note?? Boy, I feel sick to my stomach.

I remember this one, too: I had decided to skip school again, for the bazillionth time that year, even though it meant I would miss an important school newspaper deadline.  I wrote my teacher (Miss Langlitz) a personal note, making up some ridiculous excuse or another, and she read it out loud to the entire class.  A lot of The Popular Kids were in that class, and I was afraid of looking like an idiot in front of them.

Result: Just forgot about it - nobody made a big deal out of it.

Tuesday I stayed home again, and from what the grapevine reports Miss Langlitz is still p.off with me & has been talking about me behind my back again. Shit - I don't have her danged art folder!! I don't know what she's got against me, but whatever it is, it hurts. I'm scared to go back to school tomorrow and face her ... I wish I could settle this matter. All I've got to do now is get thru 2 more days. 72 hours from now I'll be at my beloved Firs again, away from all these problems and frustrations. 

Even at age fourteen, I was inordinately fond of bullet points.

Problem to overcome: Dad's negative view of my active social life.

What I've done wrong so far:

• Haven't spent enough time with my family
• Haven't been doing all my (house) work
• Have been coming & going too much (or so says Dad)
• Poor attitude

PLAN:

• Pray on it!!! (Praise the Lord for trials and tribulations)
• Spend more time with the family: watch TV with them, eat dinner with them, talk more to Dad and Dick.
• Do all my chores without being told (and do them well); do anything extra that might make a favorable impression; make a special effort to keep my room clean; surprise Dad sometimes, with new living room arrangement, special treat, etc.
• For a short period of time limit outside activities to only the "bare necessities."
• Try and get my friends (especially Karen) to limit phone calls and visits.
• Maintain mature, responsible attitude.
• Try and dress neatly.

This plan probably won't work soon enough to wangle permission to go to Cindy's party, but my main target is the choir retreat next week. GOOD LUCK!!

Result: The whole thing just blew over, except for the normally periodic spells where Dad would get on another of his "you-don't-spend-enough- time-with-the-family-etc." kicks. He's a good egg. (Why did I say that?) 

My relationship with John is getting so neat! Remember at first? - how shy he was? He never did a thing, 'cept talk to me occasionally, and I was getting sooo frustrated. He was so shy it was sickening, and I was actually losing hope of him ever making that "first move." Well, I don't know exactly how it happened, but it did ... somehow, sometime, he's reached the point where he no longer is so ultra-super-shy around me. He and I still can't completely relax around each other - there's still that certain edge of uneasiness whenever we're together - but I guess it's natural. I suppose it all started at the Conference, on Friday night. We all played "Infiltration" in the middle of the woods. It was dark and cold and sorta spooky, but I was all keyed up and excited. We all had to hold hands, so that nobody would get lost on the long, winding path. John and me held hands the whole time, even after it was time to let go! Now he holds my hand all the time, and it's really neat. Yesterday he walked me home from the game, clear up to my door, and we held hands the whole time. Last Wednesday night, when his brother Dennis came to pick us up and give us a ride home, he grabbed my hand and held it during the whole ride - he didn't even care if Dennis saw or anything! And then, last Sunday night, he held my hand during the movie about Russia, and afterwards too. Neat-o.

It sounds like I'm chalking up all my battle conquests, but I'm not! I'm just thankful to the Lord that I have such a sweet boyfriend. Laugh, future, laugh!   (I'm not laughing. He WAS sweet. And I may have already said this elsewhere, but it's true: holding hands with John Riley gave me bigger better goosebumps than 99% of the sexual encounters I had, down the road.) 

November 3, 1972

John walked me home from the game again tonight - Sunset played Chinook at Highline Memorial Field and we lost, 20-0. At first I thought John was mad at me because he didn't "acknowledge my presence," so to speak, but afterwards, I walked home with him, Jerry and Addie. It was really fun, but it was pitch dark, about 6:15, when we got home! John started holding my hand about the time we reached Albertsons, and he walked me right up to the door! Outasite! 

November 10, 1972 (1 week later)

I'm not so sure I like John anymore. It's not anything specific on his part; it's just that, well, after 6 months, going with the same guy gets a little "tedious" (if you know what I mean). And besides there's other guys around too, that are really neat. Oh well ... I've decided to wait until Sunday night to make up my mind. We're having a movie at the church, and if "things" happen, then I'll be able to decide. If he doesn't come, like he said he wouldn't, then that'll be the end of that! 

November 20, 1972

John just called me up - he wanted to know if I was mad. He said I "looked" mad, at he meeting at Cindy's. I'm not!!! As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to love him better every day. Last night was so neat ... we saw a movie, about some minister saving his dying church ("I wonder if the snails are eating my gladiolas?") and John held my hand. I've reached another peak, I guess.

1st period - nothing interesting 
2nd - nothing
3rd - nothing
4th - nothing
5th - plan Miss Hyde's wedding design
6th - math assignment

I don't want to share parts (in the church play) with Betty T.!!! I don't even LIKE her!!! 

November 21, 1972

This was a good day. I got a chance to talk to Rafael, the exchange student from San Salvador, and it was really cool. He can't speak any English, so I had to summon up all my resources to communicate. I think he was really happy to find someone besides Senora Gaffney & Senora Dominguez that could speak to him in his "native tongue."

This is so weird, the way I keep going up and down in my feelings towards John. At times, I feel like I want to break away from him for good, get away from the monotony of our relationship - other times, I feel so secure and right with him. I felt that way on Sunday night, at the movie - he started holding my hand, and it was as though I belonged there. I can't explain it ... it's just one of those things. 

November 22, 1972
Wednesday

WOW!!! As Karen said tonight after Bible Study - John is getting cute! Not that he wasn't cute to begin with - he was. It's just that he's getting better all the time! (That sounds so completely asinine, you're probably laughing your head off as you read this.) But it's true. His hair has gotten longer, and - well, I don't know. Besides which, he buys more lunch.*

*This was the code Karen & I used for holding hands, kissing, etc.

This was the day that I lost my little Bible at school ... we did our skit on the conquest of the Incas, and Pizarro (Tim Schmeidehausen) was absent ... we took a HARD test in Science ... Penny Dewey, Sandi and I waited after school for more than an hour, waiting for Penny's grandma ... we had raspberry fondue in Home Ec ... we distributed the newspaper, and Rafael & I covered the upper 300 building. Remember?

Bible Study was OK. Hardly anyone was there, and I didn't get much out of the lesson, but otherwise it was OK. Mike Baxter was there, and I swear Karen was practically knocking him down, hanging onto him (I'm sorry to put it that way, Karen, but you were) and it really looked a little dumb. I know, you're saying "Well, you always do things with the guys that look a lot stupider." Well, if the things I do look stupid, why do you imitate me then? You just force yourself on people too much, Karen - sometimes it's OK, but other times you almost suffocate them. I know that most of the time your intentions are good, but what you don't seem to realize is that in your over-eagerness to be popular and accepted, you're really turning them off. (Cliche, cliche) They would never say anything to your face about it, because they wouldn't want to hurt you, but you sometimes really give people a super bad impression, ya know what I mean? You're sort of like a big St. Bernard (not in looks), because by trying to be friendly, you knock people over! I guess people just aren't quite ready for you ... you come on a little too strong at times. I don't know if you're reading this, but please, please take it the right way. If I weren't your friend, I wouldn't care, and I'd keep my mouth shut. But I AM your friend, and I just want to see you accepted by people. Drip, drip. End of sermon.

I love you, Karen! 

November 25, 1972
Saturday 

I just do not believe how perfectly crummy this day has been -- I mean it!!!! Nothing specifically horrible made it that way - it was probably just a combination of clashing moods and unfortunate accidents. Anyway, this day was horrible. First of all, I had to waste my entire free day to go with Miss Langlitz, Rafael, Kerry Lee and Starla Hudgins on a "semi field trip." We went to A & W for hamburgers, went to the Seacoma Flea Market, and then to Federal Way Skating Rink. It wasn't any fun because I felt very ill at ease and uncomfortable, I was dressed "all wrong," and I was lonely for John. At the Flea Market I bought some fake flowers, 2 little clay pots, a record ("Keep It In The Family" by The Road Home), a zinc penny, and a little mini-Christmas card. Skating wasn't too bad - there were these 2 real cute guys, Mike and Jeff, who were rink attendants, and we got to talking. I was going to skate couples with Mike, but Miss Langlitz butted in right at the wrong moment and announced we were leaving. Why? "Because Rafael is tired and wants to go home." *!?!#$%!!! on Rafael!!  (See? Everything went wrong, even screwy little details like that.)

When I got home Dad jumped on my back about report cards. I lied and said I got 3 C's and 3 B's, and he even thought THAT was low. How on earth can I ever show him that F I got in Algebra??? He said I could get my new coat on Tuesday, if I "found my report card." Hoo boy.

The real bad news was tonight - we're moving next summer!!! Oh no!! I can't, I just can't, I just can't!!!!! I started crying, and I haven't stopped.

Below is ... a letter I wrote to myself on the last day of November, 1972 during Algebra:

sweet silhouettes soft shadows silver bells that seem to say "throw cares away."
karen makes me mad ("I'll walk home with Cindy"). Well, see if i care, Miss Uncouth. my room is a mess, what a weight on a person's soul. another "f" on a science test, perchance? maybe i'll make some gingerbread tonight ... no allowance? how will I endure? it's my staff of life ... no, Mrs. Secrest I was NOT overpaid for babysitting, and furthermore I refuse to make it up ... why did I buy that coat? that purple monstrosity ... humdrum cloudy rainy day in a nice, warm classroom ... buzz of voices, snatches of conversation wafting my way, burst of laughter. john didn't step on my feet today - oh dear. it's more than I can bear. I feel safe, wrapped up in my little cocoon ... safe from "them." the world. people. pressures."Do Not Crack The Immunity, Please." this is a Jeannie night - hurrah. let us give three hearty cheers (pip pip). three minutes ... how slowly the clock moves when I want it to hurry. this year is fleeting by .... I love john with all my heart and soul, for absolutely forever. "we shall go to see grandmother tonight," he said rather decidedly, and thus it shall be. Gim is in our midst - dare we ignore her presence? b'bye. outside unsheltered ... rain, aluminum skies, you cannot touch me ... ha, ha ...

 



Our church youth group was doing a Christmas play, and I had to share the lead role with someone  ...  a fact that did NOT sit well with the star of The Terri Vert Show.

Tuesday
December 5, 1972

I want to do the play for the church so bad!!! I wish I didn't have to share a part with Betty, but I guess that's the way it goes. I think I could tolerate sharing it with anybody else - even Karen - but Betty and I do NOT get along. Oh, we manage to keep up a facade of friendliness, but the coldness underneath our smiling masks is below freezing. Whenever I'm in one of my quiet moods, she comes barging in, "What's the matter, Terri?" or she accuses me of "staring" at people and "giving them that look." So, as you can imagine, it's really a lot of fun sharing the part of Julie Farnsworth with her (ho ho), knowing that only one of us gets to do it on December 17, for the church. The other person would perform it for a neighboring church.  I want to do it, I suppose mainly for the prestige of it, but the Lord's will shall be done. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Tom (our director) picked Betty to do it, because even if I AM better than her, which I was sure I was, he might want some good people to do it for Riverton Heights. However, I sincerely hope Tom isn't following that line of reasoning. 

December 7, 1972

I stayed home from school again today with bad cramps (B.J.) Everybody in the world has been calling! Miss Medak called, Grandma called, some man called for Dad ("It is imperative that I reach him"). I wasn't even going to bother telling Dad that I stayed home, but now I'll have to, I guess - everyone in the country knows about it anyway.

We got rid of the puppies yesterday. "Seven Spots" is with the Pfingstons ... "Jenny" and "Meatball Andy Brown" are at Wight's Pet Store ... and "Schroeder," "Meatball John Riley" and "Meatball Karen Pugh" are at P.A.W.S. I took the whole day off from school and Dad and I went and took them to the animal shelter. We had lunch at Arby's - I love potato cakes!! - and then went to Whitefront. I bought two 45's, "Let It Rain" (Eric Clapton) and "Pieces of April" (3 Dog Night). I wish Tom would write to me (Tom Dyer, that is, alias "Tusk"). I haven't heard from him in ages, and I'm dying to get a letter from him. George too. 

December 11, 1972
Monday

I'm so summer-sick, it's pitiful ... I'm still getting these tugging, heart-pulling vibrations ... impressions from last summer, from camp. I wish I could re-live it all ... it just breaks my heart to know I never can. Everything reminds me.

It's snowing! 'Bout four inches!!! It started during 2nd hour science, with just a few feathery flakes, and now there's 4 inches covering everything. It's so beautiful ... school'll probably be late tomorrow, if we have it at all.

I got the part in the play! Yay!

My "Ultimate Goal" in life now ... I want John to ask me to go with him, and I want him to kiss me. (That sounds so dumb, but I'm sure you've felt that way too.) Jim Abel has been "casting aspersions" like crazy all of a sudden. Today, when we were all over at the Abel's house after Bible Study/Play Practice, John and me were holding hands, as usual. Someone made mention of the fact that my birthday is on Friday, and Jim whispered in John's ear, "Are ya gonna give her a birthday kiss?" (I wasn't supposed to hear, but I did.) John turned absolutely SCARLET, and Jim started laughing and said, "Oh yah I forgot, you don't know how." Hey!!! The meaning of that statement just hit me - he doesn't know how! That's why he's been going so slow! He doesn't know what to do!! It took him YEARS to come up with the courage to actually hold my hand - now he's a whiz at it. (Last night's movie: "3") Anyway, another thing that Jim said: "If he loves you so much, why don't he ever kiss ya?" Boy, did that ever hit the ol' nail on the head! And finally, one other thing he said - when we were on the bus coming home from the hockey game on Saturday night. I was all snuggled up to John, all nice and cozy and romantic (he was doing my favorite - holding my one hand with both of his, fondling it and carressing it. It drives me wild, and he's just started doing it. George did it at camp last summer & it drove me wild then, too.) So, Jim Abel was talking to John and he yelled out, "Terri says you're not even going together!!!" KILL!!!!!!!! 

Saturday
December 16, 1972

Yesterday was my (fifteenth) birthday, and I must say it was one of the most "uneventful" birthdays I ever had. I mean, well, nothing happened. I went to the basketball game after school - we slaughtered Puget! Yay! I can't remember the score - who remembers numbers? - but we got a definate lead right in the beginning and we kept it all during the game. I sat with Penny and Amy, and we sorta "spied" on John, who was sitting with Mike Baxter and Elgin Anderson over on the other side. ("Oh, he's looking over here now!") There was this kid on Puget's basketball team ... cute! He looked just exactly like Clancy Sanders! Speaking of Clancy, I sure wish I could get my pictures from camp developed - I have some very special pictures that I want to see, of Kerry, and George, and Clancy and Tusk and me.

Oh, about the game - Puget's cheerleaders are SO UGLY! Their uniforms are darling, but most of the girls don't look like cheerleaders at all. Casey and Colleen, of course though, are real cute, and so's Pam, but Cindy, Paula and Julie aren't at all. Oh well ... it's not up to me, anyway ...  I paid obsessive attention to these things.

After the game, Mike Baxter and Brian Watson pinned me down and gave me 15 swats. Ouch! John and Mike walked Karen and me to my house. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I kept my hands completely to myself and wouldn't let John hold them. Oh well - maybe a little shake-up like that will do him some good. He can't get to taking advantage of me, you know! Grandma and Grandpa bought me a really fancy birthday cake, with a little skier on it, and it was delicious. Also for my birthday I got a white princess telephone and a set of pink towels from Dad, a puzzle from Karen, and another puzzle from Kathy Nelson.

Today I got up kinda early, took a shower and washed my hair, and did a super-thorough job of cleaning the kitchen up (I even washed the spice rack!) ... Then, Phil and Shaggy (our sickening new nickname for Phil's brother Ryan) came to pick me up and take me to play pratice - but they came too early! I was still washing my face and putting on my makeup! So Phil stayed and watched the football game with my brother while I got all ready, and then he and I walked over to the church together. Practice went OK, I guess, but Karen was in one of her holier than thou moods - you know, those times when she takes the weight of the world upon her fragile shoulders, assuming responsibilities and obligations befitting her mature, responsible veneer. Bah! She was just plain acting bossy, talking about me behind my back. She told Phil, Kathy and Patty that I was stuck up and all that. Karen, I swear, you are, quote: "As transparent as a picture window." It's so easy to see what's running through your simple little mind. Today you were just plain JEALOUS. Of what, who knows, you but you gave yourself away when you told somebody, "She gets a phone for her birthday, a piano and a TV for Christmas." Oh sob, sob ... my heart bleeds for you. And I don't feel a bit guilty about saying that about you, because I'm getting sick and tired of you saying things about me behind my back all the time, and what's more, people are getting sick and tired of hearing you say them all the time. You are not Miss Popularity, believe me.

I can't believe how mean we were to each other.  Karen was my best friend, but we were ALWAYS fighting.

Oops! I accidentally found out what Dad got me for Christmas, and I feel rotten about it - a portable TV. I wish I didn't know, but I'm never, EVER going to let Dad know that I know. It would break his heart, ‘cause it's easy to see that he's as excited about me getting it as I was about getting it.

We do the play tomorrow, and I'm scared stiff. I just pray that we do a good job and glorify the Lord! If we forget our lines, or let our own personal feelings get in the way of our performance (i.e. Karen vs. me), Rob told us to remember that we are doing it for the Lord alone, and for no other reason. Everything we say, all the motions we go through, are all meant for Him. That helps.

Ryan was talking to me today, and he asked me: "Why do you stay with John if he never does anything?" I said, "Well, there's nobody else." His answer? "There are lots of guys that have liked you, Terri, but they couldn't do anything because you're stuck to John. You could have had (Mike) Baxter if you wanted to, but there was John in the way. You should break away and start going with somebody else for a chance." Shock! From the way he was acting, you'd think ...

Roger and Carol Gillihan got married today. 

Monday
December 18, 1972

The play went absolutely TERRIFIC ... we all remembered our lines, nobody fell off the stage or missed a cue or flubbed a cut, although poor Clayton, who played Arthur, had to hobble around on crutches with a broken ankle! I only wish we could do the play again!!! It was so much fun, really.. we really ministered well to the audience, I think.

I got a card from Nancy (Gayle) today.

Karen and I are back on good terms again today ... she went with me yesterday when I did all my Christmas shopping. I splurged and spent $4.00 of my money on a shirt for myself, a cute baby-blue & pink shortie top, all ruffly and feminine and all. I'm going to get John a card for his birthday and Christmas combined. What on earth am I going to write in it?

John: 

Well, you've finally made it, and now you're a big 14 year old - too bad, though, you'll never catch up to me! Not that I really want you to - you're real sweet just the way you are, so stay that way, OK? (Or I'll kill you! Honest! And then we'll have to put you in our living room!) 

Love, Terri. 

Sounds too "buddy-buddy" and impersonal.

John, Now you're a "big fourteen year old," you're finally starting to catch up with me - for eight whole days you were two years younger than me! Ick! Well, it didn't bother me, so I hope it didn't bother you. Hope you have a really neat birthday and Christmas, because if you don't, you stinking little punky brat, I never want to see your fat ugly face again, and I don't want you to ever touch me again with your slimey, vulgar hands. 

Love -n- kisses, Terri.

Oh yah ... sure ... 

Wednesday
December 20, 1972

Hoo-boy ... another fine mess I've gotten myself into. Tonight we did the play for Riverton Heights Presbyterian Church - now I don't know if I like Shaggy or John. Shaggy rode with me in the Sine's car, and was extremely "friendly." Hmmm ...  As I recall, we were secretly holding hands in the backseat.  I was beginning to like the whole sneaky-relationship-on-the-side thing: it would be my pattern for the next few decades.   

Saturday
December 23, 1972

The situation worsens. Shaggy likes me, for sure, now. Drat, what bloody rotten luck. Rolling eyes. We (our youth group, Sr. & Jr. High) went carolling tonight. It was OK, I guess ... John got his hair cut again, and I was cool towards him. No particular reason - - it was just one of those times when I don't feel anything for him. Actually, it was PRECISELY because he'd gotten his hair cut.  I always hated it when my boyfriends cut their hair. HI JOHN.  Well, I hung around Phil and Shaggy as best I could, trying to dump John - to no avail. He stuck on me like a stamp or something. And, although Shaggy was his usual "friendly" self, Phil was very, very cold. It turns out that Phil and Kathy Nelson like each other, and Shaggy likes me. Even tho John & I were holding hands and stuff, Shaggy had a little "talk" with me, alone. He came flat out and said that he liked me, and that he wants me to choose between him and John. I said that I'd ask the Lord about it, and then tell him in the morning. John ... or Shaggy?! That is the question! 

Christmas 1972 'bout 12:30 or 1:00

Boy, Shaggy is acting like he owns me now, and I don't like it! He told Connie and Jim yesterday that he "loves me" and wants to go with me. I couldn't believe it, I'm still not sure if I do or not. Yesterday morning during church, Connie and Kathy wrote me a note that said:

Shaggy loves you! He wants to ask you to go with him!

I just about had a heart attack! After church, he insisted that I have a talk with him. We went up into the senior high room, and despite a few minor interruptions, he managed to convey the following: he likes me very much, as a girlfriend, and he wants me to break up with John - permanently. In his words, "John's all wrong for you - he's not suited to you." I should be the judge of that, Shaggy! It's up to ME, not you. He keeps pressuring me, pressuring me, pressuring me to "make a decision" between him and John. What he can't seem to get through his thick head is that I don't WANT to make such a decision, and what's even more important I don't NEED to! It's not like I'm going to marry him or something ... it's just not that big a deal! So I don't see why on earth I can't like them both. Anyway, then he started telling me all this junk that Jim Abel was saying about me, how I have my little fan club around church, how I'm "two-faced" - always agreeing with the crowd, no matter what I really think. I started crying, I was so hurt. Maybe I am two-faced. Who knows? Isn't everybody, just a little? Or is Shaggy so perfect that he can sit on his seat of judgement and point out everybody else's flaws? I just wish he'd knock off the Freud bit and get off my back.

Yesterday (Christmas Eve) at Grandma St. John's I got: a red, white & blue ski sweater, a charm bracelet from San Francisco (foreshadowing?), a pair of silver hoop earrings, a beautiful long nightgown that's orange and purple, a white and red crocheted "potholder" vest, a diary/photo album, 2 old spoons, a yellow quilted dressing gown, a hand mirror, a mini hand-sewer, and a dress from Mom. The material of the dress is beautiful, but it's made very poorly. The neckline comes down SO LOW!! I'll probably never wear it, it's so horrible. But I love Mom for the thought, and I really do appreciate it. We had dinner there, rice with hamburger & mushroom stroganoff, tossed green salad with Grandma's special dressing, rolls and butter, and milk. We sat at the big table, the whole group, except for Dick who had to sit at the little table with Debbie & Les. So I had the privelege (ha! ha!) of sitting in the middle of a fragrant fog of cigaratte smoke and a long string of obscenities. I felt like I was sitting in the midst of a bunch of hypocrites when I had to say grace. It was so easy to see that to them it was just a ritual - nobody meant it 'cept me. I was Miss Holy Roller 1972  ...  convinced that everybody in my family (except me) was going straight to Hell.  Les was his usual greedy self - "me me me me me me" all night long. That kid is so spoiled rotten!

Dick and I went to the 11:00 p.m. candlelight service at night with the Rehbergs, and it was beautiful. I sat up in the balcony with Phil & John, and it was very moving.

This morning, Christmas morning, Dad, Dick and I opened up our presents. I got a hat and scarf set and a photo album from Grandma and Grandpa, a beautiful pair of earrings from Dick, an earring tree from Karen (I knew she'd give it to me anyway, even though I'd already seen it unwrapped in her bedroom), some perfume and dusting powder from Aunt Bonnie, and some air "smell-goodies," another photo album and a portable TV from Dadly. Outstanding! Also, in my stocking (ha! ha!) "Santa" brought me 2 candy bars, some Cracker Jacks, a purple Flair pen, a bag of Deelie Bobbers and a sack of balloons.

Right now we're just sitting around the house, relaxing & resting. The wonderful smells emanating from the oven offer the delightful prospect of meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and deviled spinach casserole. Yum! I can't wait!

Notes from Bible Study:

Something valuable and worth remembering:

==> Being with someone you love loses its sincerity and feeling if either of you:
==> Flirts conspicuously with others
==> Brags about previous conquests
==> Gossips about other people
==> Clings too closely to members of your own sex
==> Avoids participation in the activities
==> Makes an issue over minor misshaps

Gee, when I read that it really hit home - I mean, well, when I'm wirh John I do every single thing on that list, with perhaps the exception of No. 4, "clings too closely to members of your own sex." I don't understand why John stays with me. I'm a big flirt - I tend to talk about "previous conquests" (i.e. Marty, Kerry, etc.) - I do gossip, but I guess that goes along with being two-faced, which is what Jim Abel said I am - I sometimes avoid participation - and I do make an issue over minor misshaps. There's nothing I like better than to get in a good, rousing, tear-jerking, soap opera battle ... but ONLY if I know it's going to come out OK.  At least I had some vague awareness of my dysfunction.

 

Lord, life ain't gettin no easier
Times I feel like I just can't take it any more
I'm tired of always reaching out
And finding a locked and bolted door.
Are you with me?
Do you hear my troubled sigh?
Pain's a comin', everywhere I turn
I'm scared and feel like you're a million miles away
By now you'd think they woulda learned
That you're the answer
You're the key to everlasting peace 

Thursday
December 28, 1972
Midnight

An interesting evening. We (our church group) went roller skating tonight, and quite a few things happened. We went out to some weirdo rink in North Seattle - it was HORRIBLE! Wooden floors, cruddy skates, lousy organ music - I think I only went around the rink twice or three times. First off, when I got there I was in one of those moods where I didn't like John - AT ALL. I don't know what it is, it's just that every once in a while I go through these periods where I just can't stand him - he literally makes me sick.  Did he get another haircut, perhaps?  Well, there I was on the long bus ride over - I had to sit by him, so I turned my back to him and sat facing Phil, who sat by Kathy across from me. I was really depressed and in an A number 1 miserable mood. Shaggy was sitting up near the front with Betty, and naturally THAT didn't help my mood any. So I tried to keep my distance from John, and made a point of trying to keep my hands out of reach. When we got there, I didn't skate hardly at all - mainly I just stayed around in the spectators area and goofed around with the kids from our church. (Jim L. was there!) We formed this dumb little "Anti-Shaggy Club," Colleen and me, and it went like this: Colleen Naff, President, Jerry Turner, Vice President, Terri Vert, Secretary, Karen Pugh, Treasurer, Phil Rehberg, Chairman of the Board. Kathy Nelson was having a few boy problems (weren't we all?) with Phil and Jim Longacres, and later on her and Jim Abel told Shaggy off something awful. They really tore him down - told him he was immature, too big for his britches, nothing but a big flirt, and all this. He was really deeply hurt ... of course he had some of it coming, but I don't think they should have done it in such a harsh way. John and me were sort of staying away from each other the whole time, and when he went skating during "Trios Only" with Betty and Kathy, I got really mad. Phil let him know that I was rather upset, and John just said, "Well, just because she doesn't want to skate doesn't mean I can't." I was really upset - I was sure he hated me. He sat by me on the bus ride home, and for the longest time he wouldn't hold my hand. I was getting so frustrated! Finally, though, after what seemed like hours, he started (to coin a phrase) "buying lunch." Relief! That means he's not mad.

THAT DOES IT!!! I am getting so danged sick and tired of (my brother) Dick ... all of a sudden, over the past couple weeks, he's been turning into a belligerent, smart-aleck little creep ... I just can't believe the change. Like, "BOOM," over night, he's gotten like this, and I hate it. He thinks he's so cool. Well, see if I do you any more favors, Mr. Smart Mouth. He makes me so mad!!!!! He's not at all the sweet, cooperative little kid he was just a few weeks ago. I just can't believe how fast it happened ... it sort of scares me ... and of course Andy Brown isn't making it any better.

Later:

I sure wish they'd play "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon so that I can record it. I've been waiting for ages ...

More later:

GOD DANG IT!!! What on earth does (Dad) need that stupid blankety-blank-blank note for, anyway? Can't he just take my word for it, or Ron's? For crying out loud, Ron wrote him a perfectly good note, telling him all the stupid insipid details of the New Year's Eve party, and Dad's still not satisfied. What does he want? A 24 page summary? There's nothing else to KNOW, for crying out loud! I've told him where the party is going to be, who's going to chaperone, and all that junk, but he still needs more, more, more. "I want to know WHO the chaperones are going to be, where it's going to be," he says. Doesn't he see what an asshole he's making me look like? I feel like an idiot, going up to people and asking them to write a note about the party "so my Dad will believe that we're not going to all sit around and freak out on LSD and have a mass orgy." MAN! It's sickening!! And the real killer is, he wants it from REVEREND WHEATLEY no less. Sure, Dad. Well you can just cram it for all I care. I'm sorry I even mentioned it ...

Friday evening
December 29, 1972

What a terrific evening! Tonight we went to a Sonics game downtown at the Coliseum, and it was really fun. At first I didn't know for sure whether me and the Rehbergs would get to go, because all the tickets were sold out, but at the last minute Shaggy called and said it was OK. So we went! We (me, Phil, Shaggy, Murphy, Ron Solum, Joe Gant and a couple of other guys) all rode in the van over there, because we had to buy tickets at the window. They cost $2.50 - gypo!! - and we got stuck clear up on the other side of the Coliseum from the rest of the church, way up on top. I was so broken-hearted!! (Ha ha) Because I couldn't sit by John. I sat in between Phil and Shaggy, and it wasn't too bad. We kept watching John, trying to get his attention, but he couldn't see us! That creep! During half time we went down and talked to him, and he finally figured out where we were sitting. When we got back to our seats, Shaggy got mad at me and left. After the game, John walked me over to the bus (I didn't want to ride the van home - icckkk, that's no fun) and we held hands the whole way home. At first, I didn't think we were going to get any seat on the bus - it was jam-packed - but I managed to wangle Jerry's seat from him. Let's hear it for feminine wiles! Mike Baxter goes, "Gol, you can sweet-talk your way into getting anything you want out of anybody, can't you?"

Speaking of Mike, he asked Patty to go with him tonight!!! He even gave her a ring!! Phil told me about it even before it happened ... it seems that he was talking to Mike last night, and Mike told him that he was going to ask her tonight. And THEN Mike said, "John was going to ask Terri to go with him this month, too, but he was too chicken." DRAT!!! CURSES EVEN!!! I'm beginning to get the impression that he's never going to ask me, not until I'm 99 years old or something. Goodness sakes! What's he so scared about, anyway? That I'd say "no"? Believe me, I wouldn't say no, I'd say yes yes yes YES! He was scared to hold my hand the first time too, but as I recall, he finally got the nerve to do it (with a little help from yours truly - remember the school dance?) So what's his problem now?? I swear, getting that kid to do something romantic is like trying to push an elephant through a cheese grinder ... he's so darned SLOW! But, you know something? With all his slowness, all his shyness, all his apparent faults ... and with all the times I feel like I can't stand him ... I wouldn't trade him for the world, and that's the truth!

I have the world's most throbbing headache. A migraine, perchance? I wouldn't know, I've never had one before. It hurts, and I've had it for over an hour now! Even two Anacins have failed to alleviate the pain. Oh dear, I'm getting old and frail ... must be nearing 90. Well, even so, that just means I only have 9 years left until John asks me to go steady with him - HA!

G'night 

Saturday
December 30, 1972
Debby Jeanne's 4th birthday

Lazy day. Had sort of a nervous breakdown this morning - got so fed up with Dick. Didn't do much of anything else today. Cut my hair this evening, and that's about all. It turned out real good, and I'm glad I did it. 

New Year's Eve 1972

I've just got a quickie minute to write before I leave for the New Year's Eve Party at church, but I've GOT to tell you ... John and I got into a hujo fight this morning, because I sat downstairs with the Rehbergs during Morning Worship, instead of in my usual seat next to him upstairs in the balcony. He was SO MAD!! So I went home with the Rehbergs, spent most of the day with them. Phil called him up and had a long, long talk with him ... and John said he's going to ask me to go with him on January 13th!!!! That's the 2nd day of the Jr. High winter retreat, on a Saturday. I CANNOT LIVE until then, I MEAN IT! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

January 1, 1973
Monday 1:30

Last night's New Year's Eve party was so fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am completely zonked out this morning - the party lasted from 10 p.m. until 6 a.m., and I slept until noon. TIRED! But worth it!

Well, to start off with, shortly after I wrote (my last journal entry), I got all ready for church. I waited and waited and waited for the Rehbergs to come and pick me up, but they didn't show. I was getting really impatient, when Phil called at 5 minutes to 8 and said their car had konked out. Terrific. So, Dad zoomed me over to the church, and I got there jst as the communion service was about to begin. John was sitting in the office with Jerry, and Karen and me were sort of hanging around together (until Stevie Boy came, of course - Karen's boyfriend Steve Barker). We (Kar & me) went into the sanctuary to sit down, but we felt so conspicuous and kinda dumb - you know, 2 girls clinging to each other and all, especially with people from school like Allan Erstad, Doug Mattson and John D. sitting right there. I was so shocked to see those guys there!!! So Karen and I did an immediate about-face and almost RAN out of there. Steve came and rescued Karen in a few minutes, which left me alone. I figured "What could I lose?" and went into the office to talk to John (Jerry left). He kept saying he wasn't mad (I kept asking him!), but, well, I don't know. He seemed awfully cold, just the way he'd sounded on the phone when I was at the Rehberg's. Nothing specific. I was sure I liked him - he was looking awfully cute - but I just couldn't handle this negative side of him, so I went and sat by myself out on the steps of the porch instead of going to church. Shaggy came and talked to me for a sec, and then he went into the church. I suppose he told John to come out and talk to me, because a few seconds later the door whips open and John came out and sat down by me. We were there for the full hour and a half, ALONE, with only one brief interruption from Jerry and the Rehbergs. We talked, I guess you could say ... that is I talked, he just sat there ... but there was no physical contact. When church got out we went inside and milled around with all the people (then John started holding my hand, as always). He called his dad and told him to come pick him up at about quarter to 10, so we just stood outside on the balcony until he showed up. It was really funny ... John had both arms around me, sort of, and we were very cuddly-wuddly, when this orange car pulled into the parking lot and stopped right under the balcony for a minute. John said "That's not our car," so I didn't think much about it until I glanced down and saw these 2 old men, (they had to be in their forties, at least) peering up at us from the car, smiling and laughing. I thought, "Geez, what a couple of nosey old men," when John looked down at them and said "Hey!! That's my DAD!!" How embarrassing! I'll bet John's dad and his buddy really teased John something awful. ("Oh John, what were you doing up there with your girlfriend???" etc. etc.)

After John left, I went down into the basement where the New Year's Eve party had already started. I had to borrow 25 cents from Doug Mills to get in 'cause I didn't know we had to pay. We played this really fun game at first, where you had to run around and get people to autograph your paper ... someone with red curly hair, someone with a broken shoelace, someone wearing a black belt, etc. When we were just getting started, Karen came up to me and she had Danny Reeff with her!! I just could not believe it. He was plastered out of his mind, and you could smell the alcohol on his breath so bad. He kept following me, Kathy Nelson and Kar around all over the place, and he kept putting his arm around me, with his hand at a very strategic point of my anatomy (my rear) and he kept saying "C'mon Vert, let's go outside now, let's go outside Vert, c'mon Vert." I kept trying to stall him off. He asked Kathy Nelson once, "Do you think Vert would give me a kiss?" Choke, choke! And, while he was still smashed, he came up to Karen and said, "Now I'm going to tell you this soberly ... I like Vert and I've liked her for a long time, but she likes that John Riley kid." When everybody was having 1 hour of free time, from 10:30 to 11:30, everybody was playing games and stuff (chess, Yahtzee, Password). Well, Kathy and me were just wandering aorund, "mingling," and I told her that I thought this one kid was cute. We didn't know who he was - he was new - but he really was cute, and he looked about 16 or 15. He was over by the pool table, so Kath & me nonchalently wandered over there (ha ha) and hung around. He kept giving me "The Look," and I kept giving it back. When he was playing Password with Karen's older sister Lisa and Kay Tate, we managed to be over there for a sec, too. Then, when I was playing this maze game with Kath, Alan Coward and Karen, he came over and watched. My heart was going bang-bang-bang-bang-bang; I was in high heaven. Then he suggested that we all play this game, "Killer." You have to stare at each other and wink, and Steve (that's his name) and I kept looking at each other with the most "meaningful" looks. He told us that his name was Steve Swanberg, that he goes to Chinook, and is only 14 years old!! An 8th grader!! I just couldn't believe it. He looks so much older than that ... he's built an awful lot like Marty Griffeth. (Acts like him, too.) Then, we all got into a big group and listened to some testimonies. Steve sat by me, was playing with my shoe & stuff. When we loaded up the bus at about 1:30 a.m. or so to go bowling, I was looking around for Steve. I sort of wanted to sit by him, but I didn't want to come right out and plop down beside him - that would have looked too forward. So during the 1/2 hour long ride over to the Auburn Bowling Alley, I sat with Phil Rehberg and Tim Limbert (remember saying to Tim, "I have this uncontrollable urge to bite you?"). Steve sat in the seat in front of us with his cousin Mark S. (Stretch's little brother), and he kept turning around and talking to me and stuff. I was positive that he liked me, just the way he was acting.

When we got there, the bowling alley was closed!!! Drat! Kathy was tired so she went to the front of the bus and laid down on the floor at Steve's feet. Then, when Mark got up for a minute to look out the window, I shot up front and took his place and sat by Steve. Mark went back and sat by Phil. Coming home, things really started rolling. He had his arm up on the seat, but gradually he started pulling me closer until he had his arm all the way around my shoulder. I snuggled down closer, and laid my head on his chest, and my other hand on his knee with his hand on top of it. I went to sleep practically. I was half asleep the whole time, but I remember just before the bus slid into the parking lot of the church he murmured into my ear, "I like you." For the rest of the evening - during the slides of past retreats, the Walt Disney movie ("Johnny Shiloh"), the pinata game and the skit ("See this sword?"), he was with me, putting his arm around me, etc. And you know what I decided? Before, I've stuck with John because of, quote, "If I broke up with John, I wouldn't have anybody else." Well, now that somebody else has come along, and I have my chance to break clean from John ... I've come up with a new reason for staying with him.  I LOVE him!  Yeah, nothing says "love" like making out with some random guy at a New Year's Eve party. The Lord has given him to me, and I realize now that nothing or nobody can take him away. Now that I've faced this, this ultimate temptation, I've also faced this realization: When you love someone, you'll stick by them at all costs. John and I have been through a lot of things - the frustration of liking each other but not knowing that the other felt the same, times of laughter and joy, the painfully tender first encounters, times when we felt like we were growing a million miles apart. And through it all, I still love him ... at least, deep down inside I do. Sometimes I don't act like it, but that's the way I really truly feel. I just wish he knew. If he knew that I really felt that way, in spite of the way I act sometimes, things would be perfect.

In the meantime, if and when John finds out about my little "rendezvous" with Steve last night, it will be all over, for good. I'm scared. Now that I look back I don't see how on earth I could've been so disloyal last night. I LIKE JOHN RILEY, NOT STEVE SWANBERG!!!  But John will never forgive me for this one. I can't fib and charm my way out of it. I'm afraid I've cooked my own goose ... 

Tuesday
Jan. 2, 1972

I absolutely cannot LIVE until January 13!!!! Time passes so slowly ... school lasts for what seems like an eternity. Just think, Terri - you have to get through 8 more school days, 1 more weekend, 2 more Wednesday night Bible Studies, 264 more hours, 1,5840 minutes, 950,400 seconds. That beloved day will never EVER come!

(You're looking at this, Fewchur, and laughing and saying "Oh, the time will come, Past, it'll come.") Actually, I'm looking at this, thirty-plus years down the road, and I'm wondering where the hell the time went.  That fifteen year old girl whose greatest wish in life was for her shy boyfriend ask her to go steady seems about a bazillion years removed from me. 

It's the brightest spot in my future, the shining far-off day that holds all my fondest dreams and romantic notions in its secret 24 hours. 

This is how I imagine it will be: I'll get up that morning, very excited and puffy and blotched-out and all. I'll know that this is THE day, and I'll be so nervous! All day I'll be looking for John to ask me, for that perfect opportunity - but none will come! I'll be getting really impatient ("When's he gonna ask me, when's he gonna ask me, when's he gonna ask me?"). All through meals, and all that stuff, no "big question." Then, one of two things will happen: 

1. When we're all goofing around in the snow, pink cheeked and happy laughter, sliding down hills on an innertube, clinging to each other in the joyous confusion, snowfalls flying through the air, glad shouts, biting cold and wetness - he asks the question at a bare interval, in the daylight, right out in front of the world ... and I say yes yes YES YES and YES ... 

2. At nighttime, after we've had out evening meeting - when everyone, tired and happy, marches off to their dormitories and nice, comfy sleeping bags. I'm about to leave, but John, holding my hand, stops me and says "Wait a minute, Terri - I want to talk to you." We go off together, outside, in the dining room or anyplace where we can be alone. We sit down and he looks deep into my eyes - clears his throat - blushes a little - and murmurs, "Terri ....." OR 

3. Everybody's having free time at the lodge. We're playing pool, sitting around talking, laughing, etc. I'm sitting on the couch with John. All of a sudden he turns to me and blurts out at ultra high speed, "Terri-will-you..." 

The Wise & Profound Sayings of Rober J. Veret

(I quietly sat and transcribed everything my dad said for about fifteen minutes, one night while we were watching TV.)

"You're just sitting there making love to that ice cream ... that gonna turn out to be his wife? ... guess not ... this reminds me, Terri, shove your bed over there - don't try coming out this door ... and don't try to go after any of the animals ... Dick's is simple but I'm kinda worried about your high climb ... I don't trust this house or this stove ... What? Why does he stare at me every time I walk through the room? Whatsa matter, Dick, do I got a head growing out of my back or something? ... they got the fire bug ... he's got the head nigger now ... well, this is the somebody else ... ha ha, flare pants soaked in gasoline ... the honky's got 'im now - he'll never get out of jail, even if he just stole a banana out of a fruit stand ... don't ever go above a fire ... that poor old dog - I can just see Jaspies ... What's this new limp you're working on? Oh, just a little ‘sore heel' ... oh, just got sore by itself? ... probably not too important then ... boy, I bet THAT hurt ol' Spike ... no way to live ..." 

Wednesday
January 3, 1973

I'm staying home from school today due to bad party pains, but so, unfortunately, is Dad. (Heavens! He's not staying home with party pains!! He just took the day off.)

Somehow, I've got to convince Dad that I feel mucho better in time for Bible Study tonight. I can't afford to miss it! Time with John is precious and scarce, and not to be given up for some dingy old Mother Nature probs.

THINGS ON MY MIND:

Bruised knee
Stuffy nose
Unpopularity
Terry Robb (ugh)
JOHN
Unfinished homework
partypartyparty
Hungry
"Put $2.00 in the bank!"
No money for the retreat
Wayne S. (yucko)
Deadlines
Fuzzy eyebrows
No word from George
Bad grades
Steve Swanson
NO MONEY!
Owe letters to people
Jan. 13
6 pounds overweight
No party favors left
Gramma
Dad and Dick bouts
Messy room
Karen  

January 3, 1973
Wednesday

This was the day that Dad, Mrs. Pugh and Karen had their big explosion, about Karen coming into our house while we were gone and Dad threatening to call the police on her, and her mom saying Karen can't come over to our house at all anymore. No further comment. 

Thursday
January 4, 1973

I went to school - reluctantly. I was positive this was going to be a horrid day, but it wasn't! This was the day that I:

... exercised in P.E., writing down the areas of the body that I want to "trim," and Penny Dewey and I sang "Away In A Locker" to Amy's black Pep Club skirt ...

... had an experiment in Science ... Mr. Breaker read my blue envelope from Teri Torgeson that says "Sealed with a kiss from John," and he said "This John Riley must be a weird kid if he goes around kissing envelopes" ... and Jerry Pitts gave me a "love note" in Science that turned out to be a note from Karen (what are all those brown spots all over his face?) ...

... the day that I officially quit Pep Club during Home Ec ...

... I finally made the peace, temporarily at least, with Terry Raub in Journalism - same with Wayne S. (I think) in Algebra ...

... I wrote my great poem in Spanish ("I say this in the west/Because I'm in a hurry and I don't have any chalk") ...

... the day that I went to the game, Seahurst at Sunset, and John didn't go ... 

... I made skillet lasagna and oatmeal/apricot bars for dinner ... 

... no call from John tonight, SOB! The only people that called me were Jim Abel (wanted Mike Baxter's phone #), Colleen and Karen ...

... oh, and I called Mike A.  He's a senior at Glacier, and he's going to be my algebra tutor. I haven't met him but he sounds real nice. What a traumatic experience (calling him)! It took all the nerve I could scrape up.

I'M HAVING SUCH BAD CRAMPS! OW! I don't think I'll go to school tomorrow. Dad doesn't want me to, so, to heck with Miss Langlitz. She can just go blow. She's a nice teacher but I can't sacrifice my health for the "Panther's Tale."

ONLY 8 DAYS LEFT 'TILL THE RETREAT! 

Friday
January  5, 1973
9:00 morning

I think I'll stay home ... there's a carpet of freshly fallen snow outside - beautiful. I wish it would snow harder. Dick's out in the kitchen, getting ready for school (it's one hour late) and I'm in my bedroom, with the door closed. Boy, it's hot in here!!!

I dreamed about John-boy all night ... love, love. Only 8 days (still) until the retreat. I need some things for the reatreat - I just realize that my waffle stompers are a mess, and I need some new ones badly. And I need some Noxzema, and some film and flashcubes, and about a zillion and one other things. Oh dear! Where will the money come from? Well, I'm sure the good Lord'll provide ... 

Monday
January 8, 1973

A lot has happened within the past two days. 

First of all, this house, OUR house, that I've come to love so much, has been repossessed.  Mr. Smith, the guy who owns it, has been cheating us all along. According to my dad, anyway.  So we have until the 25th to move out. I don't want to go into all the legalities, but what it all boils down to is that we must completely relocate our family - FAST. At first, I was very unhappy, and I just about had a breakdown. But I've adjusted to the idea (I think) and I even think it would be sort of cool if I could go to Glendale for the remaining 4-1/2 months of school ... kind of a change of pace, you know? Well, we've started looking for a house and all, and Dad is out to sue Smith for 5 thou - he only expects to actually get three hundred. I still don't want to move - I feel too secure right here right NOW - but I'm afraid I don't have too much say in the matter. I'm mainly afraid that this will separate me from John. But, this is what I figure: if I stay at Sunset for the rest of the year, I'll get to see John a little bit. There will be a couple more dances, some games, etc. At church, I'd still see him as usual. Then when summer rolled around I'd be in the Sr. High group at church, and then I'd go off to Glacier. If we move now, I won't see John at all at school (but then again I never do anyway), I'd have to sacrifice a few dances and games and stuff. I'd still see him regularly at church. When summer came I'd still go to Glacier, and I'd still go to the Sr. High group at church. Either way, I'd still be separated from him in the end. BUT! In 1-1/2 yrs. he'll be going to Glacier too! I don't know, though ... our relationship won't be able to stand the test of time ... or will it?

I spent the entire day yesterday at the Rehberg's house, with Karen, Shag and Phil. It was fun! We just goofed around in Phil's room and stuff. One time Karen, Phil and me were all laying on Phil's bed, with Phil in the middle - it was all very innocent, we were just laying there talking ("Phil, if you don't get your shoulder out of my eye ...") John had to go to Bremerton with his parents all day or he would have come, too. He couldn't even come to evening service. Sob! Cry! We (Karen, Phil, Steve B. and everybody) all skipped church because it was so boring - "Installation of 1973 Officers." We hung around in the church library. I checked out 4 books: "What About Horoscopes?" "The Magician's Nephew" "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" "Christy."

I can go on the retreat!! Our moving doesn't affect my plans! Oh, joy. Rob said that if I could come up with the $5.00 registration fee, then he'd pay the $6.00 balance. Hurrah!! That means John will ask me to go with him, on Saturday mebbe.

JOHN RILEY'S DREAM (as related to Shaggy): He dreamed that him and I got married!! SHOCK! We decided not to tell any grownups about it, not even our parents, so there was only a bunch of the kids from our church at the wedding. Tom Horton married us. Then, when we were married, we got in John's car and drove off, down to sunny California ... ... There was more, but Ryan won't tell me!! But I can guess. When John was telling Ryan the dream, he goes "It kinda makes ya wanna get married." !!!!  I didn't really understand that comment until many years later  ... 

WE MAY NOT MOVE!!! Who knows? I'm listening to the conversation between my Dad and the realtor-guy on the phone right now. We may be able to stay, with the FHA's approval. Smith, man, what a rotten weasel ... he's been pocketing all our rent money since April. He hasn't even OWNED the house since then!!  Please, Lord ... 

They're putting out a warrant for Smith's arrest, for GRAND LARCENY.

Later:

I guess I'll trudge back to the sheer drudgery of school tomorrow ... yucko. Oh well, only 4 more days left until the retreat - yay! After that, what do I have to look forward to? Hmmm ...

I should write to Tom tonight, Nancy too. Mebbe I will. 

Friday
January 12, 1973

Well, here I am, finally at the retreat!  (I thought this day would never come.) School went by slow, slow, slow. Nothing exciting happened at all. At last, when school was over, I rushed home, washed my hair, did a little last minute packing, made my lunch, and waited for the Rehbergs to come pick Dick & me up. The ride was really fun but short. I sat with my back to John the whole time, even though I do like him. I sat near Colleen, her friend Corky, Kathy, Patty, Betty, Phil, Ronny Kent, Jerry and Jeff. It got really dark, and after I made everybody sick by displaying my yummy (ha! ha!) lunch (cottage cheese with sliced up hot dogs & ketchup), John started buying some lunch. Hurrah. His silverware was cold! (Ha! Ha! Get it?) When we got here, we played some games and stuff ("If You Love Me, Honey, Smile"!!!), watched this movie called "Charlie Churchman" or something like that. We had free time, where we had some snacks (hot dogs) and John ("Jellyroll") & me sat on the couch and BOUGHT LOTS OF LUNCH. (Karen kept horning in.) I thought maybe he'd ask me tonight, but I guess tonight's not the night. Oh well - there's always tomorrow.

First night of the retreat
(and I am absolutely in my element)
January 1973

Day 2

This was a pretty good day. (This is being written a couple of days later.) We spent the day at Crystal Mountain, but it was so slushy and cold, I stayed on the bus the whole time and read this book called "Karen." I watched all the rest of the kids, mainly John, tolling down the hills, slipping and sliding around, and having fun, but I really had a good time myself. One time Mike (Baxter) came onto the bus, and him, me and some other kids all had a big long "gossip fest," mainly about John. He told me a few things I didn't know, like when John first started liking me, and how he's really serious (about me) & all. When we got back, after dinner, we watched some REALLY FUNNY "Peanuts" slides (I was Snoopy, John was Linus, and there was this one where Linus was hugging Snoopy). 

After that, Patty and I started popping pills (Midol) and we got really loaded.* That sounds horrible, but that's what happened, and I truly regret it. It upset a lot of people, especially Kathy Nelson and Colleen, and I got really sick. My worst time was at the fireside. It was real dark, and we all sat around the fire - I sat between Mike and John. My pupils were contracting and expanding really super-fast, I was hotter than an oven, and I was starting to have these hallucinations (icckk).

* At this point I HAVE to jump in and explain. The Midol was Patty's idea. She'd heard a rumor that if you took six Midol you could get high.  I was game: it seemed liked a dangerous, exotic thing to do. As for getting "loaded" and having "hallucinations," this is a slight exaggeration. Basically I just felt sick and dizzy ... and stupid.  Plus it probably blew any chance of John finally asking me to 'go' with him. Damn.

After the fireside John and me sat together quietly down by the lake for about 15 minutes, but he didn't ask me to go with him. I kept wishing and hoping he would ask me, but he never did. We just sat there, looking out at the mist rolling over the lake, and it was so peaceful. But, HE WOULDN'T ASK ME! Later, he told Mike and Phil (they told me) that he was just about to ask me - in fact, he was just reaching into his pocket to get the ring - when Tom Horton blew the whistle and started yelling at everybody to go to bed. SHOOT!! He didn't ask me this whole weekend!! Here I was, all excited and nervous about him asking me, and he didn't. DRAT! Not even on Sunday night at church! Not even Monday after school at our Bible Study! DRAT DRAT DRAT! Mike even told me about the ring - it's gold, it's brand new, kinda like the one he (Mike) gave to Diane Storey and then Patty Maher.  Oh, I just wish that he would "cast aside his vocal inhibitions" and ASK me ... sigh.

Later:

I just talked to Phil on the phone (he called). He talked to John for about 1/2 an hour, and something that he said really made me feel good. He goes, "John said that he wants to ask you really bad, but he's just too scared." That cheered me up a whole lot, just knowing that he does really want to ask me. Mike & Phil, my informants, keep telling me that he really REALLY likes me a whole lot, and that he hasn't ever liked a girl as much as he likes me (he liked Denise Curry in 6th grade). Mike told me  two very important things this weekend:

1. If I were to break up with John, he "doubts very seriously" that John would get a new girlfriend" -  he (Mike) said that "Terri, you just don't have any competition."

2. Also - when I go off to high school and all, I was really worried. Would John stop liking me? Mike answered that question for me in John's words (and I quote): "If Terri moves, she'll probably start liking somebody else, but I won't stop liking her." How comforting.

I can remember, way way back in June, when I came home from the Lilly Dell Dunes retreat ... I was all in love with John, but it was sort of "worshipping from afar." I was sure that he liked Karen! I chased him all summer long, but to no avail -- and then that glorious day -- AUGUST 13, 1972 -- a Sunday evening, when John told Karen that he liked me as a girlfriend. Heaven in one second flat! I love him SO MUCH!

Tuesday
January 16, 1973

Well, now that the retreat is finally over, I don't have a "biggie" to look forward to!!  Our youth leader, Tom Horton, has absolutely nothing planned for this month ... no roller skating, no swimming, no rallies, no movies, no ANYTHING! (except for the usual Wednesday & Sunday stuff) Shoot ... what a boring month. The only two things I have to look forward to are:

1. John asking me to go with him (sometime soon, yo creo)

2. The dance on Friday. I cleared permission from Dad to go to the dance on Friday - yay! (I asked him while I was washing the dishes after school and he was in the living room watching TV.) You know what I think would be fun? Well, it's obvious that neither John nor I really enjoy going to school dances ... the only thing we like about them is being together. I think it would be more fun if John and me just skipped the dance and went somewhere else ... maybe for a walk, or somewhere. I'd like that a lot better. The thing that I'd really like the MOST would be if John could come over to my house after school, and we could sit here on the couch, all snuggled up and cozy and everything, watching TV, talking, buying some lunch, etc., with absolutely no interruptions from my dad or my little brother. Neat-o.

Phil just called!! Again!! 

Thursday
January 18, 1973
6:00 p.m.

Hands & fingers numb from cold, runny nose, stinging eyes, chapped lips.

Shoot!! This day was so neat-o terrific, and now all of a sudden all sorts of bad things have happened and my world is going down the ol' tube again. First of all, we do have to move, but not until sometime after March 8, but as Dad put it "most definately during this summer." SHOOT!! That makes me want to cry ... here I was, all set for another beautiful "golden summer" here in this house that I love so much, and now all hope's lost. Sob ... what a crushing blow. And to top it all off, John got in a whole lot of trubble from his family for being late from the basketball game tonight (Sunset vs. Chinook, and Dad's being sarcastically mean ("Terri LYNN, supper's almost ready ... well excuse ME"). The game was fun - we won by a mere 1 point in the last 10 seconds!!  John started buying lunch, too, during the game, right out in front of everybody. What a shocker! It was so funny - after school I had to rush home and do the dishes before I could go to the game. Karen came over while I was doing them ... and she brought MIKE AND JOHN WITH HER! How embarassing! (but funny) Karen made this one remark after the game, when we were just goofing around - I think she bumped into John, and she said something like "Ooww, you must have a ring in your pocket or something." KAREN!!!!! I could have died! He tried to cover up, said something like "I don't have anything in there," but it was kinda obvious. 

Monday
January 22, 1973
(first day of Semester II)

Hi there!

John will never, ever, ever ask me, if I live to be 10 billion million years old. Exasperation!

What a mediocre day ... first day of Washington History with Mr. Tracy (thrill). After school, we all went over to Ronny Kent's house for Bible Study. Lost 2 games of Battleship, watched the others play pool, and planted an invisible garden on the rug. No lunch, though, except when we were riding home in the van (the usual hand- holding). And no buttoning up of jellyroll's coat. Drat!!

Karen - Kar, Chimney, Puggy
Terri - "Exxy," Pickles
John - Gymnasium, Jellyroll
Mike B. - Microphone
Phil R. - Fondue
Steve B. - Farmer
Skip - Sharon Johnson
Physical contact - Buying lunch OR calling Mom
Hands - Flagpoles
Asking to go steady - Buttoning up his coat
Kissing - Doing your Algebra
Ring - Rubber band

A rare display of awareness of current events.

January 23, 1973
9:00 p.m.

THE WAR IN VIET NAM IS OVER!!! OH, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! 

January 25, 1973 

Oh no ... I just realized something, just now as I was wiping the kitchen counter and thinking about some things I’d said to Karen in a note today - I have a crush on Mike. 

Really - this is no joke. It hit me like a bomb, just out of the clear blue sky, although I realize now that the feeling has been building for a long time now. I’ve got to work this out somehow!! I just can’t do this to myself, or to the one person whom this would hurt more than anybody else - John. Imagine a guy’s best friend taking away his first real girlfriend - unreal. I just can’t do that. But I can’t help my feelings, either. 

I just got to thinking about what I’d told Karen in my letter, about how nice Mike was on the retreat when I was all freaked out on those pills, how understanding and compassionate - how I felt like I could trust him with anything. And, I got to thinking of other things - remembering how “right” it felt when we held hands at the Saturday night fireside. I was coming down out of my high but I could still feel this overwhelming sense of security and belonging when I felt my hand lost in his grasp. I’ve never felt that way with any guy before. John has come close to making me feel like that, but with him it’s different. When I’m around John, I feel like I’m not really myself. I don’t understand it totally; but I do know that it gives me a sort of uneasy feeling being around him sometimes. I can never totally relax around him - with Mike, it’s different. It’s almost as though he knows just what I’m thinking, like he’s totally in tune with what I’m going thru. It’s kind of a neat thing, but it sort of scares me, now that I understand my feelings towards him. I’m afraid that at any time, any minute I’m around him, I’ll lose control and let him know how I feel. I can’t let this happen. 

I still love John, but it’s freaky - with John, it’s a status thing. I mean being with him is like being on one big ego trip. He’s pretty cute, so when we’re together it’s like I’m broadcasting to people, “Hey, look at me, I must be pretty desirable to have a good looking boyfriend like John.” I guess you could just say that I have been using him, although I sort of wince at the term. There HAS been real feeling in my relationship with John - I truly love him, and I’m fairly sure that he has felt the same towards me (or else a reasonable facsimile thereof). But there has been this big old hairy communication gap - we’ve been playing games, hiding behind our words. Sometimes, during the course of all this, I’ve felt as though all I am to John is a guinea pig, someone he can try his experiments in physical contact on. But I’m tired of playing games! I need someone I can talk to, relate to - someone I can confide in, talk to openly and honestly. I’m getting tired of carrying around a paper doll boyfriend. I can’t talk to John!!!! And that scares me! I just can’t let him know what’s going on inside of me - all he ever sees is the big front. I feel uncomfortable talking to him. It’s not that way with Mike! I can actually TALK to him, and now that I think about it, I haven’t been able to do that with very many boys in my life. I’ve had a lot of boyfriends - some of them the lasting kind, like John, or Tom W. - some of them the kind that cam and went within a few months - Pat, Brad, Ken B. - some of them the unrequited type, I “loved” them but they didn’t feel the same - Danny, or Kenny - but the greatest majority, the type that I met once, knew for any time between 1 to 12 days, and then never saw again. I’ve met a lot of the last type, at camp, church, at roller rinks or parties or restaurants - met them once, let them use me, and then said goodbye forever. I’ve been used a lot - Steve S. is a supreme case - but I’ve come to a rather frightening conclusion: It doesn’t really bother me at all. I even enjoy it, and that’s bad. 

Example: at the New Year’s Eve party when Steve, a guy I had never met in my life, started getting very “cuddly.” I knew I was being used at the time; I knew that it would hurt John if he found out; I knew that the chances of this being a lasting relationship were mighty, mighty slim. And still, I didn’t even put up a struggle ... rather, I encouraged it (by snuggling up closer to him on the bus, sitting by him, etc.) And you know why? Because I was using him just as much as he was using me. I was thoroughly enjoying myself, and I didn’t want it to stop.

What this whole mess boils down to is (I’ve been writing this for 1 hr. now) I’m really super-much in love with two guys at the same time - and they just happen to be best friends. What a mess! Que lio! Que trastorno! Que barbaridad!

But, like I was saying, I can TALK to Mike, in a way that I’ve never been able to talk to a guy before. It’s like he’s my brother or something (which he is - after all, we’re all brothers and sisters in the same family, and the Father in heaven watches o’er us all). I wish I could understand my feelings a little better, to find out if this is real, or if I’m just faking myself out.

THAT IS NOT FAIR, SATAN! You KNOW I don’t believe in horoscopes, so just keep your hairy big mouth quiet!!

Just now I read my horoscope:

“Tendency now is to live in world of illusion. Key is to separate facts from fiction. Have fun but don’t fool yourself. Message will become increasingly clear. Aquarian could play important role.”  Mike is an Aquarius!

Just minutes after I wrote all that about loving Mike, and being all confused and all, I read (my horoscope). Well, it won’t work, Satan, I’m sorry to say (no, I’m not sorry!). Satan tries to hook people on astrology by making them think they see truth in predictions, and making some of those predictions come true so that they really believe it.

Oooh, what a clincher. Here is part of Mike’s horoscope for today: “... someone is making room for you at more elevated position.” Meaning me, perchance? Not that I can offer a more “elevated position” than Diane or Patty did, or than Denise or Betty or Colleen could, but the implication still lies there.

Later:

This is being written a little while later. I’m still not entirely sure of my feelings - I’ve been trying not to think of it too much. I hope John calls me tonight - he was absent from school today, so was Mike. Hmmm ... I hope he gets “all better” in time to go on Saturday night. Karen told me today that she’s going to talk to John sometime as soon as she can, probably on Saturday night if he goes. She’s going to ask him if he’s forgotten about asking me to go with him; if he still wants to; if he still likes me; if my being a year older than him bothers him; and if he’s planning on dropping me after I go off to Glacier. 

Friday
January 26, '73
8:30 a.m.

I'm going to stay home today and take care of myself. I've got the beginnings of a sore throat, and nothing, but NOTHING is going to make me miss roller skating tomorrow night. So today I'm going the Listerine/Dristan/orange juice route, in the valiant hopes of crushing out the flu.

John called last night.

Continued later:

Oh, how nice ... Karen just blabbed my grades, which I did not want to know. 2 B's, 2 C's and 2 D's. Two D's?!?!?! Gosh, why'd she have to go and tell me? She's got such a BIG MOUTH!! 

Mike Baxter likes Betty Tate. Lucky girl. Of course, Karen couldn't resist rubbing THAT in, since she knows I'm secretly a little sweet on Mike. Another thing - Karen's darling Steve is going to ask her to go with him on Sunday night. Isn't that great. That really makes me feel great. 

January 29, 1973

The M.I.A. on my P.O.W. bracelet that I've been wearing for four months, Staff Sergeant David Allwine, is included on the list of P.O.W.'s being released!! I don't believe it - the Lord answered my prayers! (Well, I believe that, but I mean it's just too wonderful!) My bracelet says: S/Sgt. David Allwine 3-4-71

Bible Study at the Abel's got called off 'cause Tom's in Portland. SHOOT!!! That made me so mad! I was waiting and waiting for it all day, and then I found out it was called off. (Thanx, Jim, for telling us.) Oh, that irritates me! So I went over

(entry ends in mid-rant) 

Tuesday
January 30, 1973

I feel rotten ... all sniffly and coughing and everything. I'd like to stay home from school tomorrow and try to recuperate, but the whole school newspaper depends on me (I've got to do the artwork). And, I've got to go to church tomorrow night. It's imperative! I've got to get a ticket to go to the Sonics game, but I don't have any money. I'm hoping that John buys one for me - otherwise, I'm stuck at home on Friday night. Yuck. John said something to Karen about paying my way, but nothing to me. Maybe he'll call me tonight (I hope I hope).

Is my lemon pudding cake done yet? 

Friday 9 a.m.
February 2, 1973

I want to share with you this note I got from Karen after school. (I was absent, so she dropped in on her way home and gave it to me.) It brightened up my whole day.

"Vert -

When I was in band yesterday and I was reading the note you gave me, (John) asked if he could read the note about 50 million times. Geeezzz, he was in another one of his good moods. Man was he weird (good weird tho). He told me that he liked to read notes. He told me to tell you to write him a note so he'll have something to do during band. Write me more notes too, so I'll have something to do during band too. When John read that 1st part about René, he tilted his head back for a second and laughed and said ‘God' at the same time ... "

Dad's up - uh oh, here it comes: "What are you doing home?!!"

JOHN'S NOTE TO ME:

"To Terri,

Surprised I wrote? I almost didn't get a chance to. I've got 7 minutes left in school. Very funny about the girls. Ha, ha, ha. Sure was a good laugh
considering I can't stand any of them (I don't even know the one at the roller rink). Thanks for the note. It kept me busy laughing about your
favorite shows. Just don't rank the Galloping Gourmet! That's a good show. Running out of time now. Maybe I'll write you on Monday.
By for now.

Love, John"

The Sonics game tonight was really far out! One of the best nights I've had in a long, long time. The Sonics played the Chicago Bulls, and we won, except I was rooting for Chicago. I kept yelling for them - I was really popular with the Sonics fans around me, can't you imagine! At first John was sitting in the row behind me, but later I moved up and sat by him. He actually held my hand during the game! Shock! (nice shock, tho)

The coolest part of the whole night, by far, was when we got back to the church. We were all goofing around in the hallway, talking and stuff, waiting for Phil's mom to come and get us. Well, John and me were holding hands, and we started leaning up against the wall on our sides - and he put his other arm around me, his hand lightly on my hip. I freaked!!!! It felt so neat I almost kissed him (no joke). 

February 4, 1973
Sunday 9:30 p.m.

We've found a house! By a sheer stroke of luck. It's pretty neat-lookin', all woodsy and modern and everything. It's all ours, for sure, and we're moving in this week. The address: 1808 So. 132nd. That's just a couple of blocks over from Karen (we're closer to Karen now than we were before! Yay!) Only a couple of probs, though - the living room floor is hardwood instead of carpeted, and the 3 bedrooms are tiny (microscopic, even). I've got the biggest bedroom in the house (again) but even so it's still small in comparison to the one I have here. Yuck-o! How am I ever gonna cram all my junk in that little space? Even the closet is too small .. only 1/2 the size of my old one, with a folding door. I'm going to take down the folding door and put up a beaded curtain instead, and just store my clothes and junk in there instead of putting my desk in there. The furniture that has to cram in is my bookcase, bed, dresser, and sewing machine, plus a stand for my record player and one for my TV mebbe.

One week from now, where shalt I be? Me wonders ...

Steve asked Karen to go with him tonight, but she doesn't want to. Poh babee.

1808 South 132nd, Seattle: I lived here with Dad from 1973 until 1978.

(Note: you can see where Dad started to paint the house but never finished the job.  The house

remained half-painted until he moved out, years later.)

  

February 6, 1973

Yesterday was the day that Bible Study at the Abel's got called off - again - so a bunch of us (Karen, John, Jim Abel, Ronny Kent and Jeff P.) all went over to Ronny's. John held my hand all the way over there. First, Karen and me went to my new house, then to her house to clear permission from her mom, and then we high-tailed it over to Ronny's. There, we watched the guys play pool (John is a regular pro, of course) and then went outside and, while the boys played basketball, Karen, me and three other little kids from next door looked for elves (Gregory, Christina and Ericka). Then, John and me walked home together, buying lunch all the way. We stopped off at our new house on the way so I could show it to everybody.

Today - took Dick's stuff over to the house - mine goes on Friday. Funny, before I was so sad about leaving this beloved house, and now it doesn't seem so important. I've realized, I guess, that my chances of having another golden summer are just as good this year as they were last year, and the year before that. Yay!

A thought: I am so fiercely jealous of that lucky, lucky girl in the far-off future, destined to have John Riley all to herself for absolutely forever.

"What." "Something." "Like what?" "Gotta think about that one ... well, I see - something intelligent." "What are you doing?" "Hello."  ~ Quotes from John Riley during our telephone conversation 

Wednesday 9:30 p.m.
February 7, 1973

The old house is beginning to look emptier and emptier, as more and more of our personal belongings and furniture are packed up into boxes and carted away to our new house. All of Dad's and Dick's stuff is over there - all that's left now is my bedroom, really. I have to sort out all my junk tomorrow - everything. I am NOT looking forward to it, that's for sure. As the finality of our moving becomes more a reality in my mind, I find myself experiencing doubts and worries ... needless, perhaps, but nevertheless there. I'm scared, and I'm sad about leaving this beautiful house and all it's memories. Even the promise of other memories ahead doesn't help to alleviate the pain any -- I feel like I'm leaving a friend, a part of me. It's going to be so hard to say ‘goodbye.' I keep putting it off in my mind, but that day is coming upon me fast and there's no escaping it. Help!

I dread these next two days. School is going to be hard, what with tons of assignments due, two VERY hard tests, and all the pressures of packing up my stuff and cleaning the new house. I wish I could crawl into a cave and hide until next week.

Social agenda for next week:

Saturday --
Sunday -- Sunday School, church*, Teen Challenge*, Evening Worship*
Monday -- Abel's,* 7:00 speaker*
Tuesday --
Wednesday -- Dance*, Bible Study*
Thursday --
Friday -- Swim (?)*

* With John

Why does John always make fun of me? I love him so much - he's getting to act more like himself around me, and he's a really neat person (a little screwy, perhaps, but neat). He's so sweet, and nice, and loveable, and kind, and cute, and adorable, and gentle, and loving, and protective, and smart, and affectionate, and considerate, and intelligent, and interesting, and fascinating, and terrific ...

Here's what I put in the annual for my activities & likes: Activities, "Torch Club & Newspaper."  Likes, "J.R. & summer." 

February 9, 1973

Well, here I sit at my little sewing machine/desk, in my brand new bedroom. This is the third bedroom that I've owned within the short space of one year!!!! That's kinda weird, y'know? Within eight - oops, eskewz me, NINE - short hours I've managed to transform this empty, naked, chilly room into a cozy, comfortable little bedroom for myself. I'm all moved in!

John wrote me a note today - yay! Here it is (in its entirety):

"Dear Terri,

Today I found some time to write. We're having a test today in math and of course I'm the first one through. I bet you're really sorry you have to stay home (but I suppose you're getting used to it by now!) I've really had a great day at school. (Ha! Just thought I'd throw in a little sarcasm there.) Oh, and Kelly, René, Micky, the girl at the roller rink, etc. etc. said to say "hi." (ha, ha, ha). Yes, I am going Monday night, unless I get sick (I bet you've heard me say that before). Thought you might want to know it's been almost 15 minutes since I finished my test and nobody else appears to be through. Of course, I can't help it if I turned out to be "Joe Brains." Did you have fun waxing the floor? Bet you were thrilled to death. It's time to leave so I guess I'll go home and stuff my face (oink, oink!) I'll see ya on Sunday.

Love,
John"

He writes so funny! His letters are all scrunched down. 

Saturday 10:30 p.m.
February 10, 1973

My first full day in our new house - pretty neat. My room is very comfortable, very clean and nice. Karen came over and stayed for a few hours. I did a cartoon portrait of her, in ink and pastels, we listened to records and just talked. She's worried because tomorrow she has to tell Steve (her old boyfriend) that she doesn't want to go with him. Oooh, I don't envy her the privelege. Steve's a nice guy, not very cute, with his big square glasses and his tall skinny physique - he looks like a skinny owl - but he's sweet. I imagine he's going to be pretty hurt & upset when Karen breaks up with him - he likes her a whole lot. But you can't blame her - she has a right to make her own choice. I know how it is - sometimes you like a guy and like a guy and like a guy, and then he starts liking you, or asks you to go with him, and you drop him (sort of like fishing). Remember Tom last year? Well, anyway, that's how Karen feels now, sort of. She still likes Steve as a good friend, but not enough to want to go with him. Poor girl. I'll pray hard for her.

Yikes. What if that happens to John & me??? I mean, what if, when he finally asks me to go with him (miracle of miracles!) I stop liking him? Oh horror! That would be so awful ... I figure that I'll probably be the one to break up, eventually (if we do break up that is) but I wouldn't want it to happen THAT way. I just can't imagine myself feeling that awful sense of revulsion towards John  ... it just doesn't seem possible that I'll ever feel that way! I love him so much now - he's meant so much to me, brought so much happiness to my life (sort of the same way Jesus has done) (but not the same, of course). There have been times when I've felt like I don't like him anymore, but that feeling is normal and it goes away in a couple of days! It's never permanent ... and, it's always replaced by this same warm tingly feeling that I usually get when I think of him. ?????

I'll see him tomorrow morning - yay! I think maybe I'll wear my brown jumper with the gold buttons, my pencil yellow sweater, coffee-bean brown nylons, and my new brown shoes that I've never worn before. Maybe. Unless my legs turn out looking like turkey legs.

G'night! 

Just cast your fate to the wind

Jesus -n- me -n- everybody = love forever eternally 

Sunday
February 11, 1973

Early in the morning. I'm going to get up and start getting ready for church now. I wonder what this day holds in store for me ... ? We shall soon see.

(I guess we'll never know ...) 

Thursday
February 15, 1973

To me, 24 hours and on from now - boy, do I envy you! At last, this furtive, agonizing suspense has left you - you've gone on the swimming party, and you know how it turned out (for better or for worse) (?) I'm so scared!! I'm going to be so embarassed, parading around in front of John with my too small, too tight bathing suit and my pale, bruised, FAT, hairy legs hanging out, and no makeup on, my hair all stringy, and my eyes bloodshot from chlorine. ICCKKK. I am not looking forward to it AT ALL - in fact, the only reason I'm going is so I can be with John. What a reason. 

Friday 11 p.m.
February 16, 1973

I just got home from the swimming party, and all I can say is that it was a BLAST! Actually, the swimming part was just O.K. - I had to wear my too-small bathing suit after all, because Lisa wouldn't let Karen wear her bathing suit so I could wear Karen's. I did a lot of diving, paddled around in the semi-deep section; got a horseyback ride from Phil and then "immersed him"; screamed at this one toothy, brawny guy that kept coming up to me & dunking me; got Jerry Turner mad at me because I told him to go splash John - so he did did, and John & Phil dunked him; Jerry counted (out loud) to 720; Jerry walked into the girl's dressing room! I was a little embarrassed at first, but I got over it immediately. On the bus ride home, John held my hand, and I just felt all this neat love, kind of like electricity, pouring between us. It was really far-out. We stopped the bus at the church so that a few people could go home or call their parents, and then we all piled back into the bus and went to Arctic Circle for a snack (by this time it was getting pretty late). Against my wishes (ha!) John went in a bought me a hot fudge sundae, complete with nuts and whipped cream and all that garbage. Of course, since I have no willpower, I ate it. There goes my diet ...

The neatest part of the whole night ( as always) was after we got back to the church, and we were all standing on the balcony waiting for our rides. John and me were holding hands, when he remembered that he'd left his towel in the church, just as Joe was locking up. So he had to let go for a minute (sob). Well, when he came back out, he sat down on the top step. I went over and started pounding on him, or threatening to (just playing), and he grabbed my wrists to stop me. He stood up, still holding onto my wrists, and I backed him into a corner by the door. I said to everybody present, "I have a right to hit him, don't I?" and they all go "Yeah, yeah," so I started hitting him. I wasn't hitting him hard, but he turned around with his back to me, and I kept on hitting away. Then I put both my arms around his waist and I hugged him!! (Where I got the nerve to do that, I'll never know!) Then I kinda squeezed him, and then just hung on for a little while (a couple of secs). Then he turned around, facing the parking lot, and I kinda leaned up against him, with my elbow on his shoulder. And, just as I did that - - He put his arm around me!!!! I died of coronary upset!! It felt so neat, and he did it all on his own - and the neat thing was, he didn't just stick his arm around me like a wet noodle, nor did he drape himself around my poor defenseless shoulders (a la Tom W.).  He had his arm around me firmly, like he meant business, and he was protecting me. I melted, I tell you - simply melted. He made me feel so safe and wanted.

I had some more neat talks with Michael Baxter, and as always he told me all about John-Boy. Here are some of the things he told me tonight:

1. That John THINKS a lot - just concentrates, almost to the point of putting himself into a trance - and most of the time he's thinking about me. Mike says John's never said as much, but he suspects that I'm on John's mind most of the time. Isn't that just neat? (I think so.) Like, they'll be talking at school, and John'll say "Terri does that too" or "That's what Terri said." And also that John never dreamed that he'd have, quote, "A girl like you for a girlfriend," unquote. Well, I never really believed that John would ever like ME, so I guess we both felt the same.

2. A nice compliment Mike paid me - we were talking about me being fat, when John was in Arctic Circle buying me all that fattening garbage, and Mike said "You're not fat, Terri - guys wouldn't follow you around like they do if you were." He's so sweet! Once before, he said "If John thinks you're fat, he ought to have his head examined." And before that, when I asked him how John felt about me going to high school next year. He (Mike) said that John was worried I'd start liking somebody else, or that I'd think John was some immature little Junior Higher. I said "No way!" and Mike said this: "Yeah, Terri, the senior jocks at Glacier, they like to hustle all the sophomore girls, especially the cute ones, and there's gonna be a lot of guys following you around."

3. One last thing - John is so possessive and protectively jealous of me it's almost funny. Like, whenever I sit by Mike or talk to him or stuff, he (John) gets real mad. He won't say anything about it out loud, but as soon as he gets alone with Mike he really cusses him out. That's kinda neat, y'know? 

Terri: I want to be buried at Camp Firwood.
John: (shocked ) Oh.
Terri: That's not too pleasant a thing to talk about, is it.

SILENCE

Terri: What would you do if I died?
John: (laughing) Bury you at Camp Firwood. 

January (oops!) February 17, 1973
10:30 p.m.

This was a pretty good day. I kept on thinking about John putting his arm around me last night, and every time I thought about it, I got all freaked out. It makes me so happy to think about him.

I went over to "Gramma-sit" at Grandma Vert's from about 9:00-2:00. I played the piano for 3 hours! Wow, my arms and legs were about to fall off when I got done, they were so sore! Also, I had a terrific steak lunch, with hash browns, toast, and this special dietary cake Grandma eats (I threw mine away). Gramma paid me $20.00!!!! I had an attack right there!!!! (then later Granpa gave me $2.00 - wow, $22.00 just for sitting there playing the piano for 3 hours! That's pretty good!) When I got home, I went over to Kar's and we went to Albertsons so I could blow all my money (not really). These are the things I bought: Calgon Bubble Bath, Arrid Extra Dry, some nail hardener and nail polish remover, White Rain Lemon Shampoo, a mascara refill and a pair of pantyhose. (Oh yah, Grandma gave me some L'Eggs Pantyhose and some herbs.) Karen's spending the night tonight.

I actually cleaned my room!! Shock! I can hardly believe it.

"The Woman Who Came Back" is on tonight at 11:00.

Note from Karen, written in the journal:

February 17, 1973

Terri,

As you well know tomorrow I have to tell Steve, and don't you know, well if you don't I'll tell you, I'm scared out of my pants!!!! I've never
had to do it before. I bet you anything I'll start crying! I just hope and pray that you don't ever have to go thru (again) what I am. You'd
probably know how to handle it better. Like I said in that thing I typed up, you probably get tired of hearing about all my problems, and I
don't blame you if you do, if you don't, SHOCK. I'm really glad that you have John. I think God's trying to tell me something, I don't know
what it is yet but if he wants me to know, he'll tell me somehow. One thing I wish would happen, is either have Lisa tell me or have mom
tell me who likes me at church. Maybe it's not that big a thing, but I would like to know who it is. Well better close for now.

Love in Christ,
Karen

Monday 6:00 p.m.
February 19, 1973

Last night I went to the 5:00 Bible Study and the evening service. At the Bible Study there started out to be only me, Ryan, Phil and Jerry - but gradually people started drifting in until there was a good number (including John - yay). We had a good meeting, talking about some of the main points to be covered in an effective Christian witness. I'm praying for Penny D. 

At evening service John disappeared for a while, right before church started! I was so worried! Phil and me were sitting in the office, talking about 6th grade and about how how Chris Boos called Sandy today - and I thought maybe John felt a little neglected and had gone home or something. Well, we went to the Body Life service and everybody started singing and everything - and John was still gone! Finally he showed up ... it turned out that he'd gone for a walk. I was so worried ... I wish he would've taken me with him. He didn't buy any lunch AT ALL until the ride home, except for one time at the Body Life when we had to all stand up and hold hands while singing "We Are One In The Spirit." When the Rehbergs were taking us home we all crammed into the car, and even though I had a hujo pile of stuff sitting on my lap he very purposefully reached over and grabbed my hand.

I stayed overnight at Karen's, where we watched "The Ten Commandments." There were a whole lot of people there - Lisa, Mrs. Pugh, Laura Payne, Mark McClamrock, Kay Tate, Gary Quantz & Gary Wilson.

Didn't do a thing at all today.

I miss John. Did John call me tonight? I hope I hope. (Yes, we talked 40 min.) I love John so much. Every day like this that passes by, when I can't see him or be with him, I miss him so badly. He's always on my mind. It's always "John this" and "John that." Thank you, Lord, for giving him to me - thank you, and I praise thy holy name! 

February 20, 1973
Tuesday

Went back to school & I was in very high spirits. I wrote John a note, and he answered. Had an orthodontist appointment at 5:00 - Dr. Oliver sanded down my front chipped tooth. I got an A on my Science write-up, an A on my Mass Media Report in History, and an A on Spanish - but an F on my Algebra test. Oops. Oh well ... we (Dad, Dick & me) had dinner at Roy's Chuckwagon Resteraunt. Yum yum.

"Dear Terri,

Decided to write since I am now being bored to death watching a film in English. You'll have to give me your address so I can write to you when I'm in California (maybe I'll even call you sometime). Yes, I will be going to Miracle Ranch for sure (you said "maybe" in your note). I don't know if I'll be at the small ensemble contest on Saturday. At least 2 (out of 4) of us don't want to go, but Johnson will probably pressure us into it. I'll tell you later when I find out about it. 40 days from now I'll be down in sunny California while everybody else is in school (have fun). I don't think I can take René or Micki with me (as if I could care less). Believe it or not they just turned off the film and everybody's sleeping. Miss Langlitz decided she was too tired so she left the lights off, and told everybody to "take a little nap" (reminds me of kindergarten when we always had our after-lunch rest). Don't think I'll forget about the 35 cents, either, because I won't. If I do you can have Phil beat me up (I'm shaking) but don't worry, I won't forget it. (At least I'll try hard not to.) By the way, hope you don't mind the sloppy writing and constant scribbling but I can't see too well in the dark. 

Have to go so by for now.

Love,
John."

Wednesday 9:15 p.m.
February 21, 1973

Tonight's Wednesday night Bible Study has got to be a candidate for "Worst Bible Study of the Year." The content of the study was OK ... I mean, we were really onto some heavy stuff, and I think we could have all really been blessed with insight - except for the idiotic, just plain immature way the kids were acting!! I mean it - you would swear that someone had given them all an overdose of stupid pills. Everybody was all wound up - they wouldn't quit talking, they wouldn't sit still, they wouldn't sing. Even John was acting like a first grader, and it really made me sick! I don't mean to really rank down on everyone like this, because I really feel a lot of love for all the kids at church, but it's times like this that I just can't take it. They were all making me so mad, especially Karen & Kathy, when Rob started to talk to us all in a calm, reasonable voice about how this is the Lord's house and we weren't showing as much respect to Him as is due, Kathy had to jump in with her wounded puppy tone and start crying, as if Rob were screaming at her personally or something. He wasn't even talking about her!!  Karen had to throw her 25 cents in ($2.00 worth, more like) and open her mouth. He wasn't even talking about YOU, Karen, you idiot! Even if Karen is my best friend, this is one of those times where I think she was way out of line. I agreed with everything Rob said, and I thought Karen was being stubborn, immature, overly dramatic and slightly egotistical (more than slightly). As if we really care, Karen, how many times you've been kicked out - nobody feels the least bit sorry for you because you have it coming. Oooh, I can't help it, but it makes me so mad - she never listens to anybody, she never pays attention to Bible Study, she's always talking and writing notes, and the thing that makes me maddest, how she never prays with everyone else. She's a big fat PHONY and it's really starting to bug me. Not because of her, but because of all the things she's missing out on - all the Lord's special blessings and messages, all His neat insights. I love her so much, and I want her to have these things - but she's never going to find them if she doesn't WISE up and SHUT up a little. End of sermon.

James 1:17 "He shines forever without change or shadow." Amen! 

Thursday
February 22, 1973

Quickly - this was a pretty good day (except for a few minor incidents). Our Home Ec class went on a field trip to Doce's Furniture downtown, for our home furnishings unit. It was OK but kinda boring. Karen and me looked around the store, listened to Mr. Yakalucci talk about mattresses and rugs and all that garbage. I'm going to try and win a little tiny cedar "hope chest" by writing the best letter to Mr. Yakalucci.

After school I went to the basketball game, Sunset vs. Olympic (Phil's school). We won, of course. I sat with John and Karen - Mike couldn't go. Afterwards we walked home and John came in. We (him and me) sat on the couch and watched "The Beverly Hillbillies" until it was time for him to leave. How fun! 

Friday 8:30 p.m.
February 23, 1973

What can they be talking about??? Karen is over babysitting at the Paulsen's, and I was talking to her on the phone. Well, I half-jokingly said, "Why don't you call up John?" So she did!!  Shock!  I keep calling up John's number and then hanging up real quick, to see if it's still busy, and it is. Gulp ... I wonder what they're babbling about. Me, I hope.

I went to the wrestling match at Olympic Jr. High tonight after school. Amy's mom gave me, Amy, Karen, Mike & John all a ride over there. Sunset really got creamed - drat. Phil was there, and he came over and sat by us (I sat between Mike and John first, and then by John and Phil). After the match we couldn't find our ride home, so we all went home with Phil. We walked, and it was so funny - Karen and me didn't know the way, so the guys kept running ahead and hiding from us. Finally, we got tired of them ditching us so we decided to pull something on them. When they were hiding and we could see them watching us, we pretended we didn't see them and went marching up the street in the wrong direction. It was so funny - they came screaming down the street after us - funny, funny. I got home too late to go to the Mini-Conference tonight. The Rehbergs gave us a ride home. 

Sunday 9:30 p.m.
February 25, 1973

Oooh, John makes me SO MAD!!!! (calm down, Terri.) If I thought that Wednesday night was bad, I had no idea what was in store for me tonight. Honestly, what is the matter with him?? Doesn't he even care how I feel? We had a movie at church tonight, a really good, LONG one called "The Restless Ones" with Kim Darby. I was in a pretty good mood, and I figured that John would start buying lunch and things would be hunky dory. So what happens? He completely ignores me during the entire movie while I sit there, going out of my mind, dying for him to do something, and then during the last 30 seconds he finally starts holding my hand, just as "THE END" flashes on the screen. Way to go. He was acting half-dead all night, I swear. And to top things off, when I got into the Rehbergs car to go home, John and Phil were standing outside, and John made Phil get in first, so that he wouldn't have to sit by me. I was so hurt and upset that I just sat there the whole time, not saying a word while everyone else was chattering away. Finally Phil goes, "What's wrong?" I didn't say anything, so him and John started whispering, and all I could hear was "You told me to get in first!" "No I didn't!" "Yes you did!" When we got to my house, as I was getting out, I said to Phil & John "Now you two can sit together alone," and I stormed into the house. I love him so much - why does he treat me like this?

(Somebody just called ... they let the phone ring once and then hung up.)

Albie (our dog) is really super sick now - he's secreting again, and he's having convulsions. May God's will be done. Amen. 

Monday 8:00 p.m.
February 26, 1973 

I wish John would call me!! 

This was an OK day. We had an assembly early in the morning during 1st hour, for the annual magazine drive. Very big deal. In Science we saw a couple of filmstrips; in Home Ec I turned in my entry for the cedar box contest - I doubt that I'll win tho, I wrote it in a real super hurry so it's kind of a bad job. In Algebra, we took another crummy test that I'll get an F on. Ick. In Spanish I tied with Lynn Spear for 2nd best on the exam!! Far out! I got 133, a B+ - it brought my grade up 1-1/2 grades! After school we went to the Bible Study at the Abel's. Karen couldn't go 'cause she had to go to Job's Daughters. It was pretty fun - we spent the whole 2-1/2 hrs. playing Monopoly. That is, they played while I watched & did my homework. Then John walked me home.

Albie is getting sicker and sicker. The vet said that "it doesn't look promising."  Albie had distemper and nearly died - he shook with palsy for the rest of his life & was mildly retarded - but in fact he lived for many years.

Made a Boston Cream Pie with chocolate whip cream topping. Yum.  

Tuesday 7:45 p.m.
February 27, 1973 

I repeat - I wish John would call me! I can't remember whether or not he goes to Teen Club tonight, but if he doesn't I wish he would pick up that phone and DIAL.

He wrote me a note today. Shock!

"Dear Terri,

Haven't gotten any notes lately so I thought I'd write. I seem to be having a lot of problems lately. First, I found out that the window I broke is
going to cost $23.00. Looks like I'm going to be broke for a while (understatement). And then today I got in trouble for throwing an orange peel
in the cafeteria (childish, huh?). But since I was such an honest person when Mr. Breaker told me to tell Mr. Lopresti what I did, I only had to
wash tables today (one day). At least something turned out right. Besides those things I figure there's a chance I might get a "C" (in Math). But
hopefully not. Have to go now. Please write back!! I like getting notes.

Love,
John."

We had an assembly today, some kids from Highline High School came and put on a gymnastics show (we got out of Spanish). Also, today was the day that: I couldn't talk during Science, and I told everybody that it was because I made a bet ... Jerry Pitts broke a test tube trying to set up my pegboard ... no word about the cedar box contest ... we stapled newspapers in Journalism, and I got mad ‘cause they printed it before I had a chance to do any artwork ... I missed 52 out of 60 in an Algebra quiz ... during World History, Kenny Bostick threw a crumpled-up piece of paper at me and hit me in a "certain area of my anatomy" and I turned all red ... I bought lunch, spaghetti and rolls and chocolate cookie and other good garbage.

Today was Dick's 14th birthday. After school I baked him a crummy cherry chip cake with white frosting. I am contemplating another diet. Andy came over to "play" with Dick, didn't even bring him a present. Gol, what a cheap-o friend. Mom, Grandma S. and Deb dropped in for a sec. Poor Benji! (my cat.) Debbie just about strangled the guts out of him.

Terri loves John 

March 3, 1973
Saturday afternoon

All of a sudden I feel very depressed ... I don't know why. I just feel my bad mood coming on. Ickk. I don't especially want to go to the movie tonight - "So Long, Joey" at some other church. For one thing, it's Sr. High and 9th grade only, which means John can't go. And for another, I'm just not in the mood. Why did Mike, John and Phil all get their hair cut??!? That really p's me off! They all look like a bunch of basketballs with ears. I'm still not sure if I like John or not. I hate to say it, but the main reason that I may not like him is because he got his hair cut, and he's not so cute anymore. Oh, if I can only endure him for another month or so, his hair will have grown back. WHY do parents make their sons get haircuts? I sure am rotten.

All the couples at our church have broken up 'cept John & me.

(This is being written a little while later)

SHIT!! Now I'm crying ... John can't go tonight because he has to go to a wedding. Now I feel worse than before. God, please lift me out of my depression and put me in a better frame of mind. I need your peace & contentment to fill me.

(Later)

I went anyway. 

Sunday 9:30 p.m.
March 4, 1973

Quickly - I like John again, for sure. His hair hasn't miraculously grown back, but I've gotten used to it. Praise the Lord. Body Life tonight, pretty good. No lunch until the ride home. Gary Wilson gave Karen a ring tonight. Karen, Dad and me went to Gov Ma'rt Bazaar, I bought a short sweater (white, red and yellow) for $4.00. It'll probably go to camp with me. Karen and me were goofing around with the two-way mirror on the nursery door at church. Thrill. I've got to get up early tomorrow to wash my hair and wash the dishes. ICCCKKK. 

Monday 8:15 p.m.
March 5, 1973 

I'm sure John won't call tonight - Karen's gonna talk to him about my bracelet. I wish he would hurry up and finish it. I'd like him to put "Terri + John" on it, but it might embarrass him too much.

This was the day that: our schedules changed, so I now have 2nd lunch with Karen ... Penny Thomas and I worked on the annual layout in Journalism ... I found out that I'm getting a B in Spanish and a D in Home Ec & Algebra ... we had Algebra in the Spanish room because they're sound-proofing the classrooms ... we had that experiment in Science using dry cell batteries ...

After school I went to Bible Study at Ronny Kent's house. It was OK - all the guys played basketball, we watched. Cyndi and Beth were being really horrible. I can't stand the Abel family sometimes!!!! (but I love them as Christians) John walked Karen and me home.

MY ROTTEN GRADES: Algebra - D (can be raised by turning in all daily work) Spanish - B W. History - B Science - C+ Home Ec - D Journalism - D (can be raised by doing all Quests) 

Tuesday Afternoon
March 6, 1973

Karen and I had a really big fight this morning ("You always make such a big deal out of it," meaning John asking me to go with him, which he still hasn't done yet). I wore a skirt to school and felt really uncomfortable - my orange plaid skirt and yellow sweater. We're going to start our sewing projects in Home Ec - ick. I'm going to make 3 minor projects but I'll probably still end up with an F-----. In Journalism we (Penny and me) worked on the layout some more. Nothing else much happened. Jerry Pitts is back with his girlfriend Debbie -- I'm glad. Karen and me patched things up, and then she came over.

John wrote me a note today:

"Dear Terri,

Finally found a little time to write a note. I'm in History and we just got our tests back and I of course got an "A" (highest grade in the class).
And are now watching a movie. I bet you hate this "cruddy" (ha ha) weather we're having. No snow (you missed)!! I found out yesterday that
I passed the test to become a member of the church (no big surprise) ..." 

Wednesday 9:30 p.m.
March 7, 1973

Bible Study tonight was OK. First, in a group, we listened to Rob talking. He said something about wells (drew them on the overhead projector) and phases of Christianity, but I wasn't really listening. Then we got into little prayer groups for 1/2 an hour (I was with Roger G., John, Phil, Mike, etc.) Hebrews 13:7

My registration form for Camp Firwood this summer came in the mail. Yay!  Penny and I finished making the dummy for the annual - hope Miss Langlitz OK'd it, especially the last page. The Variety Show was so terrible, I just couldn't believe it. Everybody was home sick so nobody could perform. It was awful. Also today, a lady from Fashion Fabrics came and talked to us in Home Ec; I had a candy bar and three chocolate chip cookies for lunch (so nourishing); I decided not to write John a note, just to scare him a little. 

A dance on Friday??!?! A movie on Saturday?!?!? Might stay home tomorrow - must weigh values tonight. 

Thursday
March 8, ‘73
Early morning

Now I wish I was going to school!!! But it's too late now. Rotten, rotten, rotten. I just talked to Karen - she's going to get John to write me a note. I want to go to school!!! But I'll never make it now. ICCCKK. Miss Langlitz is going to have a cow. I miss John (as usual). And I hope he writes me a note.

April - Miracle Ranch
June - The Dunes Bible Camp
July 21-31 - Bus Caravan
August 12-25 - Camp Firwood (SOLO)
August 25-28 - Camp Firwood (with the church)

More later:

I wrote a letter to myself of Aug. 13, 1973, and I'm going to seal it up and take it with me to Firwood. That will be the second day of camp. Oh, I can't wait for summer! 

Friday 9:30 p.m.
March 9, 1973 

Praise the Lord it's Friday! Plagued by "party pains" and sinus headaches all day - ouch. Sandy and Karen came home from school with me - we just sat around, talking and playing records and stuff. Then I walked over to Sandy's house, looked at her stationery samples. I think I'll go on a diet - really. I weigh 124 pounds now, and that is way, way too much. If I go on the Stillman diet, I could lose 10 pounds in a week. Wow! But I don't know if I could scrounge up the willpower. Cottage cheese, tuna fish, frankfurters, bouillon ... for a week? Icckk.

I got a D out of Langlitz (Journalism) and I was SO MAD!! So I talked to her about it, and she's going to change my grade. We got our Journalism class picture taken for the annual, and it's awful. I have a look on my face that says "set to kill." That's 'cause I was staring at Mr. Fancher's tie when he snapped the picture, thinking about how unfair Miss Langlitz was for giving me a D, and how slow John is. Growl!

John is spending the night at Ronny's house - the boys are having a slumber party. Wish I were there! (tee hee) 

Sunday
March 11, 1973
The wee hours of the night

Party beginneth. Whee!! 

I don't know whether it's my imagination or not, but it seems to me that during the past month or so John has started "buying less and less lunch" than ever before. Cry! Sob! What I mean is, he's stopped paying as much attention to me as he used to, and I don't understand it. He hardly ever holds my hand in public anymore - I've been to at least 4 movies at the church with him, and he didn't hold my hand at any of them. (Not even the film on the Billy Graham Crusade tonight, or last night at "Saturday Teen Night At The Movies" in the Sr. High room.) Why???? I want to know what's going on!  Used to be he couldn't get enough of me - now the only time he ever does anything is when we're in the backseat of his family's car, when his mom is taking us home from church. Maybe he's ashamed of me.

Today Karen, Dad and me went furniture shopping. We picked out a sofa, chair, coffee table and end tables for the living room, plus new draperies and kitchen curtains. Karen and me just wandered around Southcenter for an hour - I had 23 bucks, but I didn't buy anything except a box of 40 "party favors." (Oh yah - I gave Karen's mom 10 bucks this morning and she did me some "lingerie" shopping.) I spent the night at Karen's - went over at 10:30 last night after getting home from the movie. Karen and me ran into a lot of people at Southcenter. In the mall we saw (briefly, thank goodness) Rick Doremus, Marty Griffeth (my ex- flame) and Doug Andrews, all from Glendale Junior High. And when we were in DJ's we walked to Jim Abel and Kenny Robbins (another ex-flame). John was at Southcenter too but I didn't see him.

Tonight was the night that John really hurt my feelings by teasing me about my ears. I guess I shouldn't be so sensitive, but the way he was talking, I just couldn't believe it. And then the way he held my hand on the way home, like he was protecting me, comforting me. I'm not mad anymore.

I'm going to stay home tomorrow and go to the doctor (mebbe) about my sinuses. 

Monday
March 12, 1973
Early morning

When Karen dropped by this morning before school, to drop off my shirt and pick up hers, I gave her a note to give to John. I can't remember exactly what it says, but it's something like this: "Dear John, This is only going to be about 3 words long since I only have 5 minutes to write to you until Karen comes ... I'm sorry about last night ... I know I shouldn't be so sensitive about my ears ..." (the jist of it)  That's just the basics of it. Oh, and I signed it like this: "Love you." I can't wait until he writes back! And I can't wait until that glorious day when he tells me he loves me too. Or the day when he gives me my bracelet. Or the day when he asks me to go steady with him. Or the day when he puts his arm around me again. Or the day when he takes me to a movie. Or the day when he kisses me. Or ...

Later (evening):

This is gonna sound kinda screwy, but John wrote me a note today (Karen & Denni dropped it off on their way to the Way Inn for Bible Study) and for some strange reason it depressed the heck out of me. Here it is:

"Dear Terri,

I have some time to write now that I'm in History (fun). Too bad I can't come on Mondays but I don't think the coach would let me out. Maybe
the meeting could be moved to Friday and then I could go?! Looks like a really nice day for track, ha ha. It figures on the first day it would rain. Also
I do not think you have funny ears. I never would have said anything if you hadn't of brought it up in the first place! I'm glad you weren't mad about
last night, I was worried you might be. I'm sorry if you thought I thought you had funny ears, because I don't. I have to go find Karen to give the note
to, and then go to track. So by for now and write back sometime.

Love,
John."

And then Karen got all huffy on the phone tonight, she can't even take a joke on herself. ("Your dad does NOT have two lines on his phone!")

John better call tonight!! Did he? 

Tuesday
March 13, 1973

Tonight we (some kids from our church and me) went to a concert at John Knox Presbyterian Church. We heard "Under New Management" play and sing, and they were so fantastic!!!!!!! Especially Doug Thieson, the tall, blond, good-looking bass player. Karen and me practically fell in love with him. We kept staring at him, and every once in a while he'd look at me and smile back. Instant heaven! Afterwards I bought an album from him ($5.00) and he autographed it and gave Karen his address. Sigh ... It was just about the neatest evening of my whole life - and I almost didn't go because John couldn't go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Thursday night
March 15, 1973

John called me tonight when I was over at Karen's, and we talked, off and on (with a few minor interruptions from Karen) for about 45 minutes. He said that he couldn't go to the Sonics game tomorrow night!!! I almost clobbered him right over the phone, I was so mad - but then it turned out he was only kidding. Honestly. I stayed at Karen's until her dad got home around 10:00. No school tomorrow!!! Yay! (Teacher's Workshop.)

Today I had 3 tests, but I didn't try to squirm my way out of taking any of them - good for me. Roger Turner told me today that Alan Coward likes me still. Goody. Karen likes a 7th grader now, Skip Smith. He's pretty cute but a little young. John's supposed to call me tomorrow. Yay.

"STEP OUT ON THE SEA!!" 

Late Saturday night
March 17, 1973

Just a quick entry to let ya know what I've been doing. It's almost midnight and I've been recording songs for about 5 hours!! Dad's out with his radio buddies, and Dick's out in the living room falling asleep on the couch. I feel great - no more "party." I could stay up forever.

One of my earliest *mix tapes* (using a reel-to-reel tape recorder the size of a microwave oven!)

Tape #2 Side A

1. "Step Out On The Sea" (Under New Management)
2. "You Don't Know What It's Like" (The Bee Gees)
3. "Hummingbird" ( )
4. "I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight" (Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart)
5. "She Didn't Do Magic" - (Lobo)
6. "Atlantis" - (Donovan)
7. "Gimme the Beat" ( ? )
8. "Over & Over & Over" ( ? )
9. "Someday We'll Be Together" (The Supremes)
10. "Indiana Wants Me" ( ? )

May or may not go to church tomorrow morning - John's getting baptized.

Mmmm, a hard roll, cut in half and slathered with butter, sure tastes fine. 

Sunday night 9:30 p.m.
March 18, 1973

I didn't go to church this morning so I missed John's baptism. Darn. Karen says that Mrs. Riley was there - shock. 

Karen, her mom and me all went to Southcenter. I spent about $8.00 - I bought a bottle of baby oil, a bag of 260 cotton balls, some mascara, an eyelash curler, 2 records ("Drift Away" by Dobie Gray and "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon) and a "Lucy" poster that says "It's amazing how stupid you can be when you're in love."

At church tonight I was in an awful weird mood. I just couldn't control myself. Karen and me were gonna skip the service, but Phil and John went in without us so we joined them later. No lunch during the service, but heaven knows I tried! Lunch a little earlier than usual tho - on the balconey. Goody. 

Tuesday Evening
March 20, 1973

John probably won't call me tonight - there's a Sonics game on Channel 11, and I know how typical American boys can get wrapped up in basketball. If he does call, I shall indeed be surprised. He called me last night tho - shockeroo. Dear Lord, I wish this week would shoot by a little faster. I can't wait until Saturday! 

Wednesday night
March 21, 1973
(exactly ten years before Kacie was born ...)

Can I believe this?!?!?? Can it be true?! Do I dare believe?? Tonight at Bible Study, a lot of important things happened. I'll try to write some of them down for you.

First of all, at the very beginning when we were all in a big group, listening to Rob talk, I sat with all my friends (Karen, John, Phil, Kelly Crouse, Clayton, etc.) and all the guys kept imitating every single thing I did. If I crossed my legs, they crossed theirs; if I fiddled with my hair, they fiddled with theirs; if I giggled, they giggled. I was getting so frustrated! Then when I was talking to Mike, we got around to talking about the roller skating party. I winked at Mike and then said loud enough for John to hear, "I can't go on Saturday night 'cause I have to babysit." Mike made me so mad!!  He goes, "John won't care if you go or not." Then when I was talking to Mike again a few minutes later, he told me the BEST NEWS!! He said that he'd been talking to John:

Mike: Hey John, are you going roller skating Saturday?
John: Yeah.
Mike: Are you gonna take the ring with you?
John: Yeah, I might ask her then. !!!!!!!!!

I went out of my mind when he told me that. I just couldn't believe it. I know I'm kinda dumb to hope like this, but I can't help it. As long as there's a mere glimmer of a chance ... did he, future? Did he ask me?  I'm not telling.  Also, tonight was the night Bruce Wahlstrom brought that awful picture of me that he took last week, and then he took another one ... Karen asked Kelly Crouse if he likes me, but I don't know what he said (I don't care either way) ... Karen got all dressed up in my brushed cords and yellow sweater, and I wore my most beat-up pair of Levi's and tennies ... only 10 days till John leaves for California ...

If I don't go to bed now, I'll never be able to get up tomorrow and wash my hair. 

Thursday night
March 22, 1973

Feelin' feverish and not-too-good ... I can hear Dad howling away in the kitchen, something about "nice try." He's talking about my rather shoddy job of cleaning up the kitchen, I s'pose. I can't hear him too well over the din of "The Mouse Factory" (Jim Backus with "Paul Bunyan").

I know I'm dumb, but I can't help but hope that John asks me to go steady with him on Saturday night. This is the first time that I've had hope - real hope - for 2 months, since we came back from the retreat. I can remember how disappointed I was then - it was terrible. If John doesn't ask me on Saturday, I just don't know what I'll do. I'm counting on it so much! The reason that I want him to ask me so much is because: I want to feel like I "belong" to him - like he cares about me enough to want to protect me and keep me all to himself. I love him so much it hurts. John might call in a little while, if he gets home from Teen Club in time. I sorta hope he does - but then again, I'm very deeply engrossed in "The Waltons right now and don't want to be disturbed. Oooh, I love him, love him, love him! How many times have I said that in this ledger? Probably about 20 billion, 263 thousand, 495 times! But I can't help it ...

("John Boy, try and think about how Mary Ellen feels.")

... I wonder. John's leaving for California in 9 days. While he's gone, he's going to write to me. I wonder, if maybe while he's gone, I could get him to sign his letters "I love you." Man, I would freak out!!! Whenever he writes me notes at school he always signs them "Love." How boring. Mebbe one of these days. In the meantime I'm still on edge about Saturday night. 

Friday
March 23, 1973

Today was an OK day ... but T.G.I.F.!! (Thank God it's Friday!) I can't wait, can't want, can't WAIT!!! Everything's gotta go just perfect. I know I'm just building myself up for a big let-down, but I can't help myself. It's just my nature. More later.

A love poem away from you on a Friday night.

I don't know why I love you ...
I just know that I do.
Whenever I'm with you
my heart gets so filled with happiness
I can't hold it all inside of me.
I never meant to tell you,
but there it is in BLACK AND WHITE ...
I love you, for all the world to see.
I love you, and you know what?
with each passing day
with each moment together
with every laugh that we share
each shining star
i'm beginning to think that maybe, just maybe,
just possibly, you love me too ...
and you know what?
I don't care if the whole world sees it there
in black & white
or even in Technicolor ... 

The 24th of March, 1973
Saturday night

No, he didn't ask me, and I feel just sick about it. I was counting on it so much ... I was so SURE that tonight would be "the night." I love him so much! Why does he do this to me?? I was positive .. 

Sunday night
March 25, 1973

Church tonight was super cool fantastically neat!!! Oooh, I love him SO MUCH! We had a talent show at church tonight, where various people got up and sang or played the piano or something, and it was really cool. Bruce & Candy Anderson were there and they sang "Wedding Song." Also, Roger & Carol Gillihan did a beautiful, touching little song called "Praise Him Eternally." John didn't buy any lunch at all, I kept waiting and waiting, I was getting so frustrated! I didn't realize that the best was yet to come! When we were all standing around in the hallway, all my friends and me, just talking and kidding around, John and me were leaning up against a wall. Well, I sort of leaned against John a little, and he put his arm around me!!! I just about had an attack inside, I was so happy. He did it really lightly, just resting his hand on my hip, but every once in a while he'd sorta hug me, in a way that nobody could tell he was hugging me. I got so turned on, it was like ten million little butterflies running around in my stomach. I was feeling all this love for him, and it was so neat. ??? Well, we were so cozy and everything, but just then Pat Foote (good 'ol Pat, ha ha) came along and turned off all the lights and told us we had to leave. So John had to quit holding me. We all piled out onto the balconey, waiting for our ride. I tried to stand as close to him as possible, hoping he'd do it again - and he did! I was so happy. ("So are you prepared?") Then our ride came, but even tho we were super-squished John still held my hand, in that super-cool way that just kills me off (with both of his, caressing my hand very gently). I love him.

At church this morning he looked so cool! He wore his brown tank top and printed shirt. Everybody said they thought he looked really cute.

I spent the day over at the Rehbergs. I planted some seeds, watched Phil paint the bedroom wall, ate some barbecued chicken and spilled a plate of corn in my lap, played ping pong with Phil, thought about John, played Phil's guitar, wrote on his calendar, and sat in his room and talked. Phil is one of my best friends. Last night was pretty good too. I wore my new swabbies and red & white striped sweater. John and me skated couples - SHOCK! I don't usually skate with him. First we drove out to the Auburn rink but it was closed, so we went way out to Federal Way. Denise, this girl that we met at the Auburn rink a long time ago, was there & she stuck to me like a stamp. She's nice tho.

John leaves on Saturday for California. I'm worried for him - I don't want anything to happen to him. He says he'll write to me - if and when he does, I'll write his letters here in my ledger, OK? (Thrill.)

G'night. 

Monday 8:00 p.m. (or thereabouts)
March 26, 1973 

School today was pretty good. Only saw John a couple of times ... once when Karen, me, Kim McComb and Natalie Lacey were hanging around the shop room at lunch time, and I was watching John in his English class, and once when he was on his way to Math. I gave Karen a note to give him this morning, giving him "my permission" to go to California. He hasn't answered yet. Pat Stonehocker and Bill Doshier asked Penny Dewey and Pam Young to go with them on Saturday night. That made me so MAD!!!! Here I've been waiting for TEN MONTHS!

Pam informed me today in Home Room that Clarence Trepanier likes me. I KNEW it! I told Kim Sondreson about it in Science ... I have a feeling I shouldn't have. I don't know.

We had a cool experiment with white light and spectrums in Science today. We got 2 tests back in Spanish - I got an A on one and an F on the other one. Ouch. That could really damage my grade.

John should call me tonight. Every time I think about last night, when he had his arm around me, I go into hysterics!!

"Meanwhile, back at the ranch ..."  ~ Quoted from John Riley 

I just talked to John on the phone, it was one of our most classic, A #1 WORST conversations. I couldn't think of a thing to say. 

Tuesday 7:00 p.m.
March 27, 1973 

Oh my gosh, this is Mom's birthday! I completely forgot! Well, I'm calling her right now - to let her know I didn't forget.

I just realized something awful ... when John leaves on Saturday, I'm not going to have any "lunch" for nearly two weeks!! My poor body!! No "physical signs of affection" for days and days and days. 

March 28, 1973
Wednesday night 9:00

Right now I'm so depressed and confused, I can hardly stand it. I'll try to put some of this into words but it's going to be tough ... I'm having a hard time thinking straight. This was an unusual day.

I'm not sure if I like Clarence or not. He's a really cool guy - really quiet, like I am. But I don't want to break up with John, either!!

This is what I wrote in school today during Spanish ...  it sums up my situation entirely:

" ... This is being continued after lunch. I'm in the last half of Spanish right now, and I'm very very mixed up. During lunch I talked to Kim, and she told me that she told Clarence that I like him! Oh no!! I do, sorta ... I haven't really made up my mind all the way, though. Of course I still like John the best, more than any other guy, but still ... I'm sorta tired of just sitting around and waiting for John to DO something, y'know? I mean, well - a change of pace would be nice. Clarence is kinda cute, and he's kinda nice, and all that - but I'm just not sure!! FOR SURE I don't want to lose John - he's my "rock of stability." I know that if I, like, give up on John & go with somebody else, I'll be sorry I did, sooner or later. I'll want him back and I'm not at all sure that I'll be able to GET him back. ("Uh, P.E. Show people, adios.") Plus, I'll probably just about break his heart (John's, that is) if I drop him now. But on the other hand, if I tell Clarence that I don't like him, that'll make HIM sad! Either way, I've got to end up hurting somebody. Ick. It's up to me to decide who to hurt, and I don't like being in this position! Why can't I just like them both?? I do ... I like them both, although I like John much better (I think). But John just wouldn't understand!"

When Kim and Cindy talked to Clarence this morning, this is what happened: they went up to him and asked him, "Do you like Terri?" He got all red and everything, smiled and said "I might." Kim goes, "You do, don't you?" and by the way he started smiling and everything, Kim could tell that he does.

During Spanish, when I was running around to the library and everywhere, him and Carl Hallagin were walking up on the track. I ran into Roger Turner and Dave H. They kept telling me, "He likes you! He likes you!" and I kept saying, "No he doesn't! How could he?"  (He doesn't even KNOW me, really.) During Home Room, Teri & Pam told me that he kept staring and staring at me, but I kept my back to him. Later, when Kim talked to him again, she goes, "I talked to Terri." 

"Oh?" he said. 

"Yeah, and she knows you like her, and she just MIGHT like you, I don't know." According to Kim, he got very happy and excited, in a super good mood. Then Kim goes, "But she says that, well, there's sort of a problem with John." 

He deflated in two seconds flat - instant sour mood! - and he growled, "Yah, I know."

After school Karen and me walked over to Blvd. Park school to see if Clarence and Roger were there playing basketball, like they usually are. They weren't there, so we moseyed on over to Albertson's and spent about 15 minutes there. I bought a package of Banana Dreams (calories, oh calories!) and a really super cute Easter card for John. I'm going to mail it to him when he's in California. It sez: This Easter card is to wish you a happy Easter that is filled with joy, happiness, and complete fulfillment of all your hopes and dreams!  Inside it says: ... not bad for a 35 cent card, eh?? Happy Easter. Then Karen and me went back thru the school playground, and this time Clarence and Roger were there! So was Tim O'Brien.  We stayed at the school for about an hour (watching them play) and it was really fun. Tim told me a lot of things, but one thing about Clarence really hit. "He really has a super deep crush on Suzan Hartinger," he said. That killed me!!

Tonight at Bible Study I asked Roger. I just said, straight out, "Who does he like, Suzan or me?" and Roger said "He likes YOU!!" Also, Tim said earlier, "Clarence is crazy about you." !!!!!!!

The journal ends at this point: I don't know if there were additional pages - if so, they're lost.

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