/ November 1975
I wish I could be someone else, just for a few hours ... just long
experience someone else's emotions and thoughts. I'd like to
be able to look out at the world through
another person's eyes, to see
with an entirely different perspective from my own ..."
of this journal to transcribe: I censored it mercilessly a couple of
years after it was written, in an attempt to conceal my 12th grade
that remains are a handful of incomplete entries; virtually
all references to the pregnancy, the abortion and my
relationship with the father have been ripped out.
(FIRST FEW PAGES OF JOURNAL ARE MISSING)
tonight and invited me to a party at Bill Dodd's apartment. I said
"Thanks" and that I would come if I could get a ride ... but actually I
have no intention of going. Steve is a regular at Bill's parties, and I
never want to see HIM
again. So I'm staying home, watching TV & turning off the world
for a while.
Because not to love
Is not to live.
October 9, 1975
Thursday - Homecoming Spirit Week
Really great day -- climax of Homecoming Spirit
Everyone dressed up in the clothes of the 60's (I wore rolled up jeans,
bobby sox, my old Pep Club sweater and heavy makeup).
excitement all day. Assembly was a riot. Lori
crowned Homecoming Queen.
Talked to Tim after school -- he said he thinks Pat
still likes me.
Got my pictures taken at 6:15 at Harta Studios, then Lori and I went
out. Went to the movies, Herfy's. Empty weekend ahead.
My grandparents took me to get my senior
they had no clue that I was nearly twelve weeks pregnant
October 27, 1975
Just took a hot
shower and washed my hair ... now I'm sitting in Dad's old easy chair,
watching "Phyllis" on TV, sipping a strawberry soda. Feeling peaceful
Today was a school
holiday (Veterans Day, I think?) and I spent the day with Rhonda. We
went shopping at Southcenter and the new Sea Tac mall out in Midway,
had lunch at a hamburger restaurant, a good time together. Just the
little lift I needed. Life is dull right now. Nothing exciting. I wish
I had a boyfriend. Beginning to wonder if I'm just wasting my
time mooning over Pat. After all, there are other
guys I wouldn't mind going with.
Tuesday before bed
October 28, 1975
Lord, why do I
feel so tired and old and dried up? I'm only seventeen years
old, almost eighteen, but already I feel as though I've seen
everything there is to see and done everything there is to do. I feel
as though there's nothing left, nothing to be living for. Is there?
Why do I respond to
dark, evil, earthly things? Why does loud rock and roll excite me? Why
does my blood pulse and throb at the beat of a drum? Why do I thrill to
fast cars, good-looking boys, beer parties, pot, acid? Are these the
things that are drying me up inside and making me feel so old? If they
are - why can't I turn away from them and seek the
November 1, 1975
Things are looking
up. Yesterday after school Pat shocked the holy hell out of me by
calling - apparently "just to talk." It's been such a long time since
he's called that I didn't even recognize his voice. When it finally
dawned on me who I was talking to, my heart turned over with joy. I
couldn't believe it! We talked for about half an hour.
Then last night we
had a football game - the final game of the season - against Highline.
We won 28-6, and it was a good, exciting game. After the game, we all
went to Herfy's. Lori, Debbie & I were all sitting in
a booth together when Pat came in. I couldn't see him because I had my
back to the door, but Deb and Lori supplied me with a
play-by-play commentary. ("He's
standing at the counter." "He's buying something to eat." "He's fixing
his hair." "He's looking around - OH, he sees you!" "He's coming this
way .") I didn't believe for a
minute that he'd come sit by me ... I hoped, but I didn't dare believe.
So imagine my shocked, happy surprise when I turned around to see him
standing by our table, holding a milkshake and smiling rather
sheepishly. I said "hi" and moved over to make room, and he sat right
next to me. I mean RIGHT NEXT TO ME. He was so close I was touching his
arm, and I could smell the scent of soap and aftershave lotion on him.
We didn't talk much - his "buddies" were in the booth next to us, and
they kept talking to him and giving the two of us strange looks. Come
to think of it, a LOT of people at Herfy's were giving us funny looks.
Joanne W. - this girl who has a gigantic crush on Pat, according to the
grapevine - and all her friends were throwing invisible hate
bombs in my direction. Several of Angie M.'s friends (Angie
likes Pat too, I guess) were glaring at me
too. Seemed as though no one could believe their eyes. Pat M. and
Terri V.??? Pat had to leave early, and soon afterwards Lori and I went
Today, around 1:00,
Pat called again. I was wishing and praying and dropping subtle hints
and dying inside, wishing he would ask me out, but he never did. We
talked about football and basketball and Pat's father (who went to high
school with MY dad: they were drinking buddies) and school,
but the closest he came to asking was out was saying "Will you be home
later on today?" I said "Yes, probably" and he mumbled something about
how him and Glenn were going to the park to toss the football
around. ????? Men are weird.
So now I don't know
what to do. Just to be on the safe side I took a shower and washed and
set my hair and fixed my makeup. I have no idea what's going to happen.
I have a feeling I'll probably be sitting home again tonight for the
eighth Saturday night in a row. I hope not, though. I want to be with
Pat SO MUCH, even if it's just doing something dumb like going to Scott
Williamson's party or going to his house to watch TV. I really don't
just want to be with him, dammit!!
November 2, 1975
I didn't go out
with Pat last night. I was tired, so I ended up staying home and going
to bed early. Oh well ... there's always next weekend, or the weekend
after that, or the weekend after that. I still have hope in my
Sitting in bed, listening to the radio, looking
through the yearbook
for pictures of Pat. I took a long shower and washed my hair ... now I
feel soapy and clean and tired.
Back to school tomorrow - good. This
whole weekend - I hope - was a turning point in our relationship. He
didn't take me out, but he called twice, unexpectedly both times, and
unashamedly attentive at Herfy's after the game on Friday night. Maybe
things are going to get better.
I'm talking about my cousin Linda and her children ...
adorable little kids, Dawna, Sean and Shannon. Wish I was as happy as
and here I'm talking about Tim Baker, who has suddenly become
the object of my (unrequited) attention.
I've been thinking about Tim all day, asking
myself all kinds
of questions, and Ledger, I'm stuck for answers. 1. What am I going to
do about it? 2. Should I tell him myself? (I'd be too scared!) Or
should I have a girlfriend talk to him? 3. Or should I tell him at all?
Should I just start acting really sweet to him until he takes the
initiative? 4. What if he likes Becky? I really think I like
him a lot. I just don't understand why I didn't realize it sooner.
Midnight. Tired, a
little high. Rhonda came over this evening, and when we got tired of
sitting and listening to albums, we drove around the Renton Loop a few
times. The last time we were driving around, we ran into some guys we
knew - two of my ex-boyfriends, Mike and Rick, and a friend of theirs
from Tyee, Steve. I was kind of embarrassed to see Mike, after what
happened last May at his house, but it was good to see Rick. He was
looking good and was as funny to be with as he was last spring. We all
ended up coming to my house to listen to ZZ Top albums and talk. That
got kinda dull after a while, so we piled into Steve's car and went up
and drove around the airport and Pacific Highway. We smoked three
joints, and I really got off. I felt absolutely mellow, and even my
worries about Tim didn't bother me as much. I sat in the front seat
between Steve, who was driving, and Rick. We (Rhonda & I)
called Tim, just to see what he was doing and to see if he knew where
all the action was. I talked to him, and he sounded like he was really
tired or sick or in a bad mood. Kinda scared me. Was he mad at us for
heart cries out for love
And all that goes with loving
pal Rhonda and I, getting ready for another night of boy-hunting
A few days
abortion. I wish now that I hadn't destroyed the
portions of this journal that dealt with the subject: it was
this HUGE thing that happened to me, at a pivotal point in my
life, and I have no written record of it, or of the long healing
process that followed.
November 24, 1975
Sitting in my
CLEAN (shock! gasp!) bedroom in an old football jersey and pair of
jeans, listening to the radio. Still feeling cramps and bleeding
moderately heavily. Ever since I started taking my birth control pills
on Friday, it's gotten worse and worse. That's funny. I always heard
that women who take the pill have lighter periods, not heavier. Maybe I
just don't know enough about the subject.
The yearbook photographer took this candid shot of me
standing in front of my locker
November 26, 1974
Boy, Ledger, do I ever
feel DUMB. The school newspaper came out today, complete with my song
dedication to Tim ("Went To Sleep With You On My Mind"), and it took
him & his friends about thirty seconds to figure out who the
mysterious "Number 13" was (my locker number). I feel like an IDIOT,
and Tim seems to be so embarrassed he didn't even talk to me after
school. First of all, it was stupid of me to dedicate a song to him to
begin with ... even dumber to dedicate that particular song, it sounds
like I'm sleeping
with him ... and even dumber still to sign it so obviously. Now he
probably thinks I'm some kind of nut.
Dream: I was sitting
beneath the dogwood tree in Grandma & Grandpa's backyard one
afternoon, feeling sad and lonely, when a handsome young man in
peasants clothing suddenly appeared. He was a stranger to our world -
he came from another dimension - but he was fiercely handsome and we
sat and talked for a long long time. He began to appear every day, and
I would sneak out to meet him so we could talk. I was living with
Grandma, Grandpa and Gim, and they were suspicious of my daily journeys
to the backyard ... they were always yelling at me about it, but I
continued going out to meet him. Gradually he and I fell deeply in
love, and he admitted that he was a High Prince in his world. He came
in his royal robes one afternoon and took me to his world, where we
were married. I continued living in my world, for fear my grandparents
would find out I was married, but every day my husband/prince would
materialize and I would joyously sneak out to be with him.
November 28, 1975
home. I feel
strange tonight ... calm and remote inside. There are all kinds of
thoughts and dreams and vague worries floating around in my head, but
tonight I feel as though none of that matters. I'm sitting in my room,
listening to corny Christmas music, the scent of burning candles
pervading the dimness of the room. I'm comfortable ... old jeans and a
peasant blouse, my hair curled the way I like it (tight curls in front,
framing my face, smooth uninterrupted waves in back
After the abortion, I went on
Once in a
while I remove them from their hiding place and simply look at them.
The tiny white pills and the five dark pink pills, neatly wrapped in
plastic and foil and numbered for each day of my cycle. They fascinate
me. They symbolize love, and longing, and desire ... all the things I
miss right now. They make me feel more feminine, more worthwhile.
That's why I take them, even though nothing but celibacy and empty
Saturday nights loom ahead ...
What am I thinking
about? Tim, for one thing. The shaggy mop of blond hair and the fuzz,
pale beard sprouting on his chin. The smiling eyes, the lean casual
slouch. The muscles in his arms, the long white even teeth. Not exactly
good-looking ... it is the vibrancy of his personality that makes him
attractive. I'm thinking about him, wondering if he could ever like me.
Sometimes it almost seems as though he does. The day he snuck up behind
me at the locker, grabbed me and lifted me up into the air, snarling
"GOTCHA, baby!" Or when he drove me home from Drivers Ed, the
almost-shy way he asked for one of my pictures ... I must be at least
as pretty as Becky. I know I have a noticeable figure, and on the days
when everything is right - when my hair curls the way it should and my
makeup is flawless and my clothes are becoming - I feel really good
well-being. Over the summer I sort of grew out of that phase. Lately
I've been turning to booze again. Why?
December 4, 1975
Lori and I are
going to the wrestling match at school tonight.
was an OK school
day, the usual routine. No rain, thank God!! Just cold, COLD weather,
gray skies. Feels like snow.
still really hung up
on Tim. One time today, at the locker, he snuck up and grabbed me from
behind and held me in a judo grip. Didn't hurt a bit, felt good!! I saw
Brenda Z. and her old boyfriend Tom together
during lunch - they were sitting really close together and she was
whispering in his ear. That was a relief, because for a while I was
afraid that she liked Tim, the way she was always hanging around him,
but it looks like she still likes Tom. Thank goodness! Tim is so sweet
& so friendly that I wouldn't be surprised if a LOT of girls
start liking him this year. He had a girlfriend last year, Linda, who
is in my Journalism class. From talking to her I gather that he really
treats his girlfriends like ladies. That's neat. I know that when he
drove me home from Drivers
can't sleep. Too many
disjointed thoughts floating around in my head, too many unanswered
questions. I think I'll sleep in a couple extra hours tomorrow morning
and go to school late. Drinking that gin tonight kinda put me into a
fog, and although I'm not really tired, by the time morning has broken
I'll be thankful for a couple extra hours of SLEEP.
need someone to love.
Naturally Tim is the one I want, but if I can't have him, I wish I
could find someone equally as nice and funny and personable. Today I
promised to teach him how to play the piano if he would teach me to
drive his car. Part of me says,
"Terri, you're rushing things. Just sit
back and let it ride ... enjoy life as it is, and wait for Mr. Right to
come to you." The other part of me says, "HUSTLE! Move your tail and do
everything you can to get Tim!! Make your move!!"
December 5, 1975
Oh God, Ledger, I like
Tim so much, I could just die thinking about him.
couple of things
happened tonight, perhaps they're newsworthy. Rhonda, Lori and I went
to the basketball game. Before the game Rhonda and I had three beers
apiece, and I swear they hit me right between the eyes in about ten
minutes. I hadn't eaten anything but an apple and a piece of cake all
day, so I guess that's why I got so snockered so
fast. Rhonda was pretty drunk too, and through the whole game
we were laughing and making dumb jokes and feeling good. Mark Hawley
with us most of the time, this cute little sophomore guy in my Stage
Band class, and he was really funny & sweet. After the game we
"kidnapped" him and took him to Herfy's with us.
I was at the
game I had to go to the bathroom bad, so during half-time Rhon and I
staggered out to the girls' can. While I was in there I saw something
written on the wall that almost made me cry: "TIM BAKER &
D." I couldn't believe my eyes. I almost died. It made me feel
bad, because Debbie is one of the girls that's always hanging around
at his locker ... a cute junior girl with a really great personality.
Big competition. I have to admit, I wasn't all THAT surprised. I had an
idea she probably liked him, the way she's always mauling him. Anyway.
At Herfy's there were, as usual, a hundred kids milling around and
drag-racing in the parking lot and stuff like that. Rhonda, Lori, Mark
and I managed to grab a booth by the window, and about 15 minutes later
when Tim arrived, he and Tom Rayburn came over and actually sat down at
table with us. It was really fun, because we were all laughing
& talking. Tim was teasing me about my driving ability (or
rather, my lack of it) and we talked about the game, stuff like that. I
felt so happy and excited and keyed-up with Tim sitting there. Later in
the evening Lori and Tim were standing in line up at the front counter,
and Lori asked Tim if we could have a ride home. He smiled and said
yah, and Lori said "Because you know how much we LOVE you, Tim."
According to her he smiled even bigger and with a funny look in his
eyes, and said "Yah, I know." I wonder what that meant ...
ride home was really
fun. I sat in front next to Tim and Lori sat in the back with Tom. We
were laughing just about the whole time. Dropped Lori off first, and
then when we came to my house Tim looked at me with kind of a strange
look and said, "I'll see ya later, Terri."
December 6, 1975
Things just don't seem to be going the way they should. My life feels
unbalanced. Does Tim like me? Or does he like (perish the thought)
Debbie? Or Becky? Or Brenda? Does he know that I like him?
Does he care?
and I went out
tonight. We went to her house for a while, sat in her bedroom listening
to records and looking at her old photo albums. We drove around the
Loop once, but there were only a bunch of asshole guys down there so we
left. Then we went to Herfy's and ran into some guys we know from
school (Alan Schubert, Jeff Hausauer, Russell Turgeon). Sat in a booth
talked for a long time.
borrowed a book from
Rhonda, and when I opened it a few minutes ago so I could start to read
it, I found an old letter that Rhonda had written to Ben Lensegrav. It
July 20, 1975, and part of it says:
Lori says "hi!" and that she's gonna write ya soon. As for
Terri, I haven't heard anything for two weeks or so. Can you
tell me what Terri did at Mike H.'s house the night of my birthday?
You see, the reason I'm wondering is cuz Mike F. and Tony both
said that something happened, but they wouldn't tell me what. You see,
I got too drunk that night - I drank 1/2 a bottle of dry gin and got
so Lori and I left. So I don't really know what happened. It's
driving me crazy, both Lori and I are wondering ... "
That really made me FURIOUS
when I read what
she'd written. As though she actually had a fucking right
"wondering." I know it's kind of dumb and infantile of me to be upset
about something Rhonda wrote nearly five months ago, but still the
thought of Rhonda & Lori discussing what "might have" happened
in my personal life burns me up ...
and I weren't
really very close during the summer, anyway, so I can't really blame
her for thinking the worst.
December 7, 1975
night when Rhonda
and I were at Herfy's, we were talking about Tolo coming up in
February, and she made me realize that I should ask Tim to go with me.
I've been thinking about it all day, and you want to know something
funny? The thought of asking Tim to go to a dance with me scares me out
of my mind!!!!!
up in my armchair
in the living room, listening to spacey FM music through the
headphones. I have a lot of strange thoughts in my head. Just washed my
hair and brushed my teeth, took my pill and put on a clean nightgown,
and now I smell like Windsong cologne and minty toothpaste and starchy
clean flannel. Cozy. This music is gorgeous
... to get together with a shy & inattentive Pat, and
I'm not about to make that same kind of mistake with Tim! I want to ask
Tim to go to Tolo with me, but I can't find the words. Every time I
think about asking him, my stomach tightens into a hard little knot and
every nerve in my body turns to jelly. I've never had to ask a boy for
a date, so I haven't had any experience. In spite of everything Womens
Lib has to say on the subject, it ISN'T an easy thing to do. What if he
says no? Or worse yet, what if he says yes and then backs out later?
The nightmarish possibilities loom before me.
do I spend so much
time and energy and thought worrying about boys, worrying about love
and life and sex and the future? Why are my moods always dictated by
success or failure with the opposite sex? When I'm "up," nine times out
of ten it's because of a boy. When I'm "down," you can be sure that
basically it has something to do with a boy. My whole life revolves
around boys. Is that good? Is it abnormal? Is it the way other eighteen
year old girls feel? What about really pretty, popular girls ... do
they worry about boys as much as I do? Or what about the homely,
nameless girls who never date ... what do they feel like? Sometimes I
wish I could be someone else, just for a few hours ... just long enough
to experience someone else's emotions and thoughts. I'd like to be able
to look out at the world through another person's eyes, to see with an
entirely different perspective from my own. That way I'd have something
to compare my own thoughts to, to see if I'm normal.
don't even like the
thought of marriage. Marriage seems to signify growing old and mundane
and colorless, washing dishes and wearing curlers in the supermarket
and feeding the kids. I don't want to grow old. I don't want to stop
being young and excited and in love with music and relatively carefree.
I'm scared to death by the thought of graduating next spring. I'm
scared of watching my hair turn dull and gray, my skin grow flabby, my
teeth fall out, my veins bulge, my arthritis sharpen ... Oh
yeah? I'll see your seventeen yr. old physical perfection and
I'll raise you a blissful marriage, three wonderful children, a job I enjoy and ten years of sobriety.
Plus *I* don't live with my father.
don't want to get
married, at least not for a long time. I want to be young and love and
be happy in loving.
Monday before bed
December 8, 1975
drove me home from
Drivers Ed tonite, Ledger!!! That does it. This week I've got to find
out, one way or the other. Could he ever like me as a girlfriend, or
can we only be friends? I can't stand the suspense one minute longer,
especially when my feelings grow stronger every time I'm near him. I
don't know how I'll find out, but once I make up my mind to do
something I do it without a backward glance. I'm going to let him know,
somehow, how I really feel about him. I'll see where he takes it from
must have the
world's lowest tolerance level. One 1/2 cup of booze and POW, I'm off
like a rocket on the Fourth of July. Why do I get drunk so quick? And
how in the hell am I going to get to school in this liquidated
Every nerve in my body feels like heaven.
December 10, 1975
on my bed,
listening to the radio and sipping a tasteless diet cola. I've put on
too much weight lately, especially around my hips, and I don't know how
I'll lose it unless I give up some of the things I love ... Pepsi and
french fries and second-helpings, for instance. I want to be SLIM by
kind of looking
forward to next summer, although I dread the thought of graduating and
leaving my high school days behind. Summer should be fun,
though. The way I see it, it'll be the last really fun, carefree summer
I'll have for a long, long time. After that there will be college and a
job and who-knows- what-else to worry about, and not enough time for
lolling around the beaches and going to parties. Besides that (and
perhaps most importantly of all), after next summer most of my high
school friends will move away or go to college or get married, and I
see next summer as being one last, unhurried time of being together and
saying "goodbye." That's why I'm looking forward to summer. I
want it to be everything last summer wasn't.
summer ... hmmm. In
a lot of ways it was a disappointment, although it had its moments of
sunshine and love and happiness, as all summers must. Rhonda and Lori
and I made so many plans. We were going to go to the beach every day,
laying on the sand soaking up the rays and turning absolutely black,
partying and going out with boys and cruising Alki Point ...
unexpected happened. I accidentally met Steve at a party, and from
that night on I knew that what I wanted more than anything was to spend
all my time with him. Rhonda was horrified. She knew Steve, she knew
what kind of people he ran around with. She
ordered me to "get over him." But when it became apparent that I was
serious, she did the only thing she could do: she spent her summer with
Lori instead. While they were laying on sandy beaches and running
around with "nice" boys, where was I? Going to wild parties and
spending nights at Steve's house and smoking pot and doing things that
nice girls don't do. When Steve left for Texas I was CRUSHED. Left all
alone, I began to feel
really alone. However, it didn't take long for
me to meet some more guys and start the old partying-drinking-drugs
July I was "saved"
from all this sin and vice ... I went on a church retreat into
California for ten long, happy, beautiful, eventful days, and came home
with a "nice" Christian boyfriend and filled with good intentions. I
spent the rest of my summer with my church friends ... dry, sober,
straight ... and bored right out of my skull ...
you see, the summer
didn't live up to my expectations, and that's why I want next summer to
It's strange to think that the whole summer would have been different
if I hadn't
... my overwhelming need for love into doing those things which have
radically changed my lifestyle and my way of thinking. I only want to
explain my own amazement at the way my priorities and ideas have been
altered during high school. Things that I considered "REALLY bad" when
I was a sophomore now seem as harmless as taking a bubblebath on a
morning in May.
December 11, 1975
sisters of the sun
Lit candles in the rain
Fed the world on oats and raisins
Candles in the rain
Lit the fire to the soul
Who never knew its friend
To be there was to remember.
So lay it down again ...
love this song. I
could sit here with the headphones on and listen to it over and over
again, all night. I can't say I exactly understand the lyrics, but it
is the music itself (and the way Melanie sings it) that touches me.
was fun. Rhonda,
Mark and me all went to the wrestling match at Evergreen (Glacier lost,
miserably) and we had a blast. Mark is so funny. We were sitting in a
booth at Herfy's together after the match and he kept making jokes and
commenting about the other kids at Herfy's. I was laughing so hard that
tears were streaming down my face. During the ride home, Mark had his
arm around me. I don't like him as a boyfriend - he's only a 15 year
old sophomore, after all - but I didn't say anything. It wasn't really
a big deal. Alan and Jeff were at Herfy's, and naturally they
came over to talk. I know that Alan likes me, I can tell.
just about decided
to forget about Tim. I still like him, but shit, Ledger, what's the
use? He's got girls swarming around him all day. I barely get a chance
to talk to him. He said I looked nice in my choir dress today - at
least he noticed - but I'm not going to dwell on that single compliment
or make it the "big event" of my day.
I'll go to bed,
because my eyelids are starting to droop. I'm pretty tired. G'nite.
SONGS DURING THIS JOURNAL
"Who Loves You?" - The Four Seasons (memories of Pat)
"Miracles" - Jefferson Starship (memories of Phil)
"Fly Away" - John Denver
"Evil Woman" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Fly Robin Fly" - Silver Convention
"Heatwave" - Linda Ronstadt
"Saturday Night" - The Bay City Rollers (memories of cruising the Loop
"Rock & Roll All Night" - Kiss
"I'm Still Gonna Need You" - The Osmonds
"I Want To Do Something Freaky To You" (memories of Tim) - Leon Haywood
to throw a rock?