night 10:30 p.m.
September 3, 1974
for my hair to
dry so I can set it and go to bed. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is the first
day of school. Excited? Nervous? Sad? In a way, all three. I'm excited
because I know I'll have a lot of opportunities to live for the Lord.
Nervous, because I'll have to face a lot of old "friends" who just
won't understand the new Terri Vert. Sad, because a great summer has
ended, one that rearranged my whole way of thinking & changed
my entire life. It's all ahead of me, and I can feel it coming ...
Jesus, just let me
be worthy of receiving all the things You've given me.
night 9:45 p.m.
September 4, 1974
SO TIRED. What a
long, eventful, exhausting day. All in all, it wasn't too bad.
my schedule and
Shorthand 1 & 2 - Ms. Milne
Concert Choir - Mr. Davis
U.S. History Since 1900 - Mr. Naibert
Health - Mr. Sahli
Troubadours - Mr. Davis
how many problems and worries I can accumulate in only one day. All the
piano music I've got to learn (for Choir and Troubadours), for one
thing ... I don't know if I can do it. After school I walked
over to the church and practiced for three back-breaking hours on the
sanctuary piano. But the music is SO
hard!! I think I can handle the music for Choir, but I wish
there were some graceful way I could get out of Troubadours. I am
definitely in over my head there.
worried about my relationship with Phil. At church tonight it was
almost as though I felt NO love towards him anymore. Oh boy ... I hope
this isn't a beginning of the end. The last thing in the world I want
to do is hurt him.
afternoon 4:09 p.m.
September 5, 1974
a day. After only
two short days of school, I feel like I need another three month
am I going to do
about Troubadours?? I wish there was an easy way to get out of it. Why
did Karen have to volunteer me as a pianist, anyway?? It's obvious I'll
never be as good as Karen Koski, so why should I even try? I feel so
discouraged and burdened.
I plan to just
sit back and RELAX. Good thing the weekend is coming up.
last spring I had a
terrible, tremendous crush on this guy at school named Wally. He's a
year ahead of me, and I loved him in spite of everyone else's
opinion, but to my sorrow he never really noticed me. Well, I mean, he noticed
me, but it's a long story and I don't want to go into it. Anyway,
during the summer I pretty well forgot about Wally ... until today. You
can guess what happened. I saw him today at school, and it's last year
all over again. Crap.
Wally ... why
couldn' t I keep my eyes off Rick Abdill during Choir today? Maybe
he couldn't keep his eyes off me,
either? (In other words, we spent the whole hour stealing glances at
the MATTER with
me??? I'm going with Phil, but here I am on the second day of
school already, thinking about other guys. Is this the Lord's way of
letting me know Phil and I are becoming too serious? Or is it Satan's
way of trying to break us up? Wish I could figure myself out.
called me tonight
around 7:00, and it was like talking to a casual acquaintance. When I
heard his voice, I felt nothing at all ... absolutely nothing. It was
weird, and it scares me. Why? Why do I have to lose him? Why do I feel
like the end is in sight? Why can't I keep on loving him with the same
intensity? Maybe this is just a passing feeling. Maybe tomorrow morning
I'll wake up and love him just as much as ever.
Dee, "Song For
Adam" KZOK 102.5 FM
September 6, 1974
I can say is PRAISE
THE LORD THE WEEKEND IS HERE! I feel like I've been going to school for
a month, and it's only been three days. I could have gone out with Phil
tonight, but I decided to be good to myself for a chance, stay home and
go to bed early. That'll feel good.
does school have to
be such drudgery? It can be so depressing, day in and day out, the same
old routine, the same old faces, the same books and desks and lockers
and crowded hallways. What's the point in it all, anyway?
me today when she casually mentioned that Scott and Anna are
going together. I was crushed! I know that he hates my
guts -- I'm no dummy. I mean, it's only obvious, the way he glares at
me in the hallway. But despite that, I'd been harboring one lingering
hope that maybe, just maybe, we would get back together again. I know
it was dumb but I couldn't help it. Guess it doesn't matter anymore.
Karen says they've been going together for three months, and that he
gave her a promise ring a few days ago. Why does that hurt me so
deeply? It really does.
well. There's always
Phil, but I feel so confused about him now. I don't even know if I like
him or not, and it's terrible.
hate school. It's
screwing up my whole life and making me miserable. All my values are
being shuffled around. When I'm at school, surrounded by "the surging
masses," I almost lose sight of everything my life stands for now: my
faith, my true friends, my commitment. It's almost as though I'm being
pulled back to all my old attitudes and feelings -- the callous
indifference, the boredom and frustration, the desperate struggle for
acceptance. All the primitive feelings I was sure I could leave behind.
What's happening to me? Lord, please don't let me fall down again.
7 -- "I
understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right but I
can't. I do what I don't want to do -- what I hate. But I can't help
myself, because I'm no longer doing it. It's sin inside of me that is
stronger than I am that makes me do these evil things."
morning 12:15 p.m.
September 7, 1974
woke up this morning
feeling considerably happier and more relaxed. I guess I just needed
some extra sleep.
wish I could forget
about all of my problems & worries this weekend and concentrate
on relaxing. It's hard, though, because I keep thinking about those
dumb Choir classes, and Scott going with Anna, and
whether-or-not-I-still-love-Phil, and all the other little tensions
that have been pounding into my brain. Why can't I just let it
Sunday 9 a.m.
didn't come over
last night because he was working until late, but he called me. I
couldn't really find anything to say to him. So I spent the
evening at home, watching the Miss America Pageant and trying to fix my
broken shoe. (FUN)
it's early morning,
and in a few minutes I'll get up and get ready for church. I did my
devotions this morning, and talked with God for a couple of minutes.
Something terrible is happening, though ... I keep losing sight of Him.
Whenever my troubles start piling up in my head and I get depressed,
it's because I'm not looking to Him. I think of all the joy and peace
He'll give me, if I only give in to Him and keep my eyes on Him, and it
makes me furious with myself.
outside. I feel very secluded and safe here in my room, almost ready to
snuggle down in between my nice warm blankets and sleep. I'm going to
skip school tomorrow! Shocking! I spent the day over at Phil's house
... we looked at a bunch of his baby pictures, spent a lot of time
together. I love him.
September 9, 1974
shouldn't have stayed
home from school today. Running away from my problems will
never solve them, and that's exactly what I'm trying to do -- run away.
I'm afraid to face Mr. Davis, afraid of the humiliation of "not being
good enough" for Troubadours. But hiding in my bedroom won't do any
good! I've got to face up to this.
stayed home today
too. What a couple of phonies we are ... saying
we're "sick" so we can hide from school and from work and from the
world for one blissful day. Oh well. We can't even convince each other.
How can we expect to convince anybody else??
wish I only had a few
days of school left until graduation. I know, it's a terrible thing to
wish yourself into the future, because time goes by "too fast" as it
is. Maybe so. But I can't help but look ahead, speculating &
wishing & dreaming. School is so dull. It pulls me down,
spiritually and emotionally and physically. Will June 1976 ever come??
And then again, in a way I dread
graduation. Do you realize that I am
almost seventeen years old and I have absolutely NO idea what I'm going
to do after high school? Of course, I plan to serve the Lord in any way
I can, but so far He hasn't led me into anything. I'm not worried,
though. I know He has a perfect plan for my life, and that it's all
ahead of me. In a way I'd like to use my talents to serve Him, my
musical or artistic or writing abilities. Something I enjoy doing,
something that will bring pleasure to God and to others. And of course
the dream of a husband and a home of our own and children is a fond
hope, as it is for any girl. As for college -- well, let's just say
that college, as of right now, is a big question mark in my mind, hazy
and uncertain and undecided.
a way I envy Phil. He knows what he
wants to do, and feels that the Lord is already leading him into a
career in law and politics. Of course, the Lord has a strange way of
undoing our "plans" sometimes ... Phil knows that, and he's ready for
the Lord's direction. How neat. I hope I can be that certain someday.
guess I'm just in a
very philosophical mood this afternoon. I have a lot of things on my
mind, and it all comes out best on paper. It certainly gives my head a
sense of organization when I write it all down like this!
you think I'll ever
marry Phil? That thought has crossed my mind many, many times, but of
course only time will tell. Actually, when I think of getting married,
there's never been anyone else in my mind but him. Now, I know how
typically sixteen year old that sounds, especially since he's my
current boyfriend and I'm forever writing about "love." But listen,
this is for real. I can't help the way I feel. Phil and me have been so
close for so many years, there isn't another human being that knows me
as well as he does. Even long before our friendship turned into romance
(I hate that word: it sounds so corny), I knew that I loved him in a
special way. I knew we had a special relationship. Anyway, what I'm
leading up to here is, even if I'm being totally unrealistic -- if I
don't marry Phil someday -- I pray that the man I marry is just like
him. A spiritual leader, kind and considerate and PATIENT
when it comes to dealing with my emotional ups and downs. Someone I can
talk to as freely as I can talk to Phil. I've turned that aspect of my
future over to God, trusting Him as I do everything else.
don't see how I could
ever go out with a non-Christian guy again. I can't see into the future
so I don't know if it'll happen or not, but right now the thought makes
me sick. Satan is already trying to trick me in that area, making me
doubt my love for Phil, and making certain boys at school seem
attractive to me (Rick!) Oh Lord, please give me the strength
I'll tell ya
something ... the man I marry is going to have to have the forgiveness
of a saint. After all, I'm a "woman with a past"!
September 10, 1974
is so hard.
was an absolutely
miserable day. Karen, as usual, went out of her way to hurt me. She
made sure that she and Rhonda left me out of everything. I felt so
lonely and depressed ... I wished I could just
leave, move away, evaporate.
well, at least I
managed to accomplish one thing today: I got out of Troubadours. That's
a load off my mind, although I can't help but think about how I'm
letting Mr. Davis down. Hmmm. I'm trying not to look at it from his
perspective, trying to ignore some of the guilt I feel.
I came home from
school today I found myself locked out. Determined not to spend two
hours sitting on the front porch waiting for Dad to get home from work,
I summoned whatever sparse gymnastics skills I possess and climbed a
ladder, then crawled through Dad's bedroom window. I was so proud of
myself. Such ingenuity.
had a long, neat time
of prayer. It really helped me put the day into perspective. I don't
know how I would make it without God.
didn't call me
tonight ... a night when I really needed someone to talk to.
September 11, 1974
getting late, so I
only have a second or two to write, BUT -- I have to say this -- I
love, love, love, love, LOVE Phil. I really do. It's so neat, and I
thank the Lord for him every day. He's so precious to me.
is still awful
but I think I can survive. I work in the G.A.P. (Guidance and Planning)
Office now during 6th period, instead of playing piano
Troubadours. I'll be doing stuff like typing and
filing. Better than Troubies any day. Which reminds me, I think Mr.
Davis hates me now (my own personal observation, gathered from his cold
& distant attitude today in Choir). Oh well -- one more problem
isn't going to hurt.
was almost human
tonight at Bible Study, but I'm not expecting any big changes until God
speaks directly to her heart. Bible Study was pretty neat, and we had a
huge turn-out. Kriss came tonight, and she gave me a word of advice
regarding Mike S.: she said that the next time he calls me, I should
"hang up on him." According to her, he's the creep of Highline High
School. Well, I'm not going to hang up on him, even though he pesters
me with phone calls every single night. I just can't hurt him! I always
seem to make it my business to salvage the discarded and unwanted guys
around. I feel something for them. Maybe understanding. I certainly
know what it's like to be lonely.
go into this more
tomorrow. Good night.
September 12, 1974
for my electric
rollers to heat; sitting on my bed listening to the radio (Midnight
Rider), thinking about the day
ahead of me, loving Phil. I turned this day over to the Lord, every
single minute of it, so let's see what He has in store for me.
one more day until
the weekend, praise God. What a pointless way to live ... living for
the weekend. Oh well.
was another "OK" day. It had its good
points and its bad points. Karen still hasn't changed. In fact, she
gets worse every single day. Shades of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!!
write later tonight
if I have time.
I've Gotta Do
Tonight (not necessarily in this order):
Talk to Phil on the
2. Do my History report (yuck - 1,000 words)
3. Wash hair
4. Eat dinner
5. Do my devotions
lonely. Unsure of my feelings for Phil. Life is awful.
morning 10:25 a.m.
September 14, 1974
miserable. Yesterday during 5th period Health, Mr. Sahli announced that
we were to divide up into groups of 2, 3, or 4 to do our reports. Karen
and Rhonda automatically formed a group together, while I just sat
there. Nobody asked me to be in their group, so I just sat there alone
the whole period, dejected.
6th period I read
Karen's notebook, the one that she and Rhonda have been passing back
and forth to write notes in. The terrible, cruel things they wrote
about me broke my heart completely.
came over last
night and took me down to the park. We sat there for two hours while I
cried and cursed God and life and poured out my heart. I hate life, I
hate being lonely, I hate Karen and what she's doing to me. I can't
pretend to love her anymore!!!!!! On top of everything else, why do my
feelings for Phil have to keep jumping back and forth, up and down ...
?!? Like, right now I don't really love him all that much. I feel like
I'm only clinging to him for security and comfort during this lonely
ordeal. He symbolizes love to me: one of the few people left who really
Lord, WHY? Why are
You hurting me this way?? You know how lonely I am ...
September 16, 1974
and down, up and
down. That's the way my life goes. Today was actually -- can you
believe it? -- a good
day! Not a great day, but certainly an improvement over last week. I
decided to swallow my pride and start hanging around Karen and Rhonda
... risking possible rebuff ... and to my surprise, I was warmly
received! Maybe I was
being a butt last week. Maybe it wasn't all Karen's fault. Hmmm. That
really makes me stop and think.
three went to A
& W for lunch today, it was pretty fun. Definitely a relief,
not having to dread school every morning.
and I went over and spent the day at Phil and Ryan's
house after church, had a nice time. Played badminton and ping
pong, which are practically the only two games I am any good at. Had a
big salmon dinner.
my entrance pass for
Basic Youth next week ... I can't wait! Mike
Davidson called me after school and I'll be seeing him there. I'll
probably see Mark, too. YAY!
is in love with
Craig, my ex. (Jealousy pangs?) And Karen has a big crush on Roger
Clark, a nice guy in our class.
I have a few minutes
to kill until 7:30, when Phil's supposed to call, so I think I'll amuse
myself by writing a few thoughts.
I sort of like
Phil. I'm not crazy about him, I'm not losing my head over him. He's a
nice guy and I love him as a brother. But not really as a boyfriend! I
feel obligated to stay with him, though, so I'm just going to keep my
big mouth SHUT and not breathe a word of my true feelings to anyone.
You're the only one, Ledger, so keep my secret.
quiet evening at home
with my ledger and a banana cream pie. Super-tired. I don't understand
it. It's only 9:15! But I can't even keep my eyes ...
with my two
best girlfriends, Rhonda
September 18, 1974
happy. I really,
truly am!! Things are right in my world again, and even though life
still isn't perfect, I feel really terrific.
Rhonda and me are
friends. I feel at ease and comfortable around them, and there doesn't
seem to be any more tension between us. Karen and Rhonda aren't
"ganging up" and excluding me anymore.
Study tonight was
a riot. Karen came over early, to chat -- just like old times -- and
then Phil picked us up. Good friends, fellowship, laughter, high
spirits. I came home feeling great. I love Phil. Tomorrow him, me, Ryan
and Lea are going to drive to Kent after school.
September 19, 1974
time to crawl
into bed. I'm so tired. Busy day today, but before I sleep a quick
rundown: school was long, HOT and dull. Karen, Rhonda and me still
friends. After school I walked home with Brian Hemingway, an old
from 3 yrs. ago. Phil came and picked me up at 3:30, then we went to
get Ryan and Lea (his brother and sister) and we all drove to the Kent
Bible Bookstore. I bought two albums (Maranatha One, and Randy
Matthews, "Son of Dust"), a poster, a book and some writing paper. Love
Phil. Karen excited about Roger Clark. Dad and my shorthand
Milne) are getting on my nerves. BYC next week. Football game tomorrow
night with Rhonda. TIRED.
afternoon 4:15 p.m.
September 20, 1974
a spare minute
to write after a long, hectic day. Dad will be home any sec, and we're
going to drive to Burien and get tacos for dinner. Rhonda and me are
going to the football game tonight -- she's picking me up at 7:30.
Wieker came over this
afternoon after school, and we had a nice, long chat about everything
that's been going on in my life, and then we prayed. She is a beautiful
person and I'm glad I have her to talk to.
wasn't bad ... we
had our first pep assembly at 2:00. The cheerleaders did a routine to
"Love Is Blue" that was pretty neat. Kar and me walked home with Brian
Hemingway and Kenny Robbins. Karen is right -- Brian IS cute
remember when we went together, three long years ago. (Karen: "I'd die
if you two got back together.") No way!
feel so confused
inside. The football game was fun (we won, 27-21), and so was going to
Herfy's afterward. That's the local high school hangout, usually jammed
with kids on Friday and Saturday nights.
feelings inside me
are terrible. I want to get HIGH!!! I want to go out and do something
wild and reckless and fun. If only I could get my hands on some mesc or
some speed ... anything. I want to be the way I was before, free and
wild. Even getting drunk would be fine!! And even more than
that, I want a new boyfriend, someone NEAT who will take me to keggers
and get me stuff when I want it. I want to break up with Phil, find
someone new and different and exciting. I feel all these things,
pulsating inside of me, and I feel just awful about it. But I can't
help it!! Is it Satan within me??
I'll feel better. I hope.
September 21, 1974
will probably come
over tonight, but so far he hasn't called or anything. That's OK
though. I haven't even cleaned my room or put on any makeup yet.
Feeling clean and sweet-smelling from a long, hot shower. Full of
pizza. Randy Matthews is rockin' on.
sure I have all
my faculties intact. I've only had half a beer and it hasn't really
affected me. Why does beer have to taste so sick? I don't
love Phil anymore. I feel trapped with him. I don't want to get drunk,
but I don't want to stay straight, either. Lord, what am I looking
for??? Why do I have to feel torn in the middle?
morning 11 a.m.
only made it through
half a beer last night when I was struck by the stupidity of what I was
doing. I threw the rest out my bedroom window, and then prayed
for forgiveness. I can be such an idiot at times.
however, and that is my feelings for Phil have changed. I'm sure that I
don't love him anymore, at least not as a boyfriend, and I
don't know what I'm going to do about it. Last night was terrible. Dad
went out to a poker party, so Phil came over to watch TV with me. I
just sat there and hated every minute of it ... hated his arm around
me, hated the ugly way he combed his hair, wishing like anything that I
could get away from him. I guess I was pretty cold towards him. He's
probably beginning to get the feeling that I want to break up. I'm not
sure if that's the way I want to do it -- by dropping hints and waiting
to see if he figures it out. I'm not even sure I want to break up at
all! It would totally disrupt my life and his, and all the kids at
church would probably think I have no feelings at all. Lord, what do I
just don't understand
myself. Tonight we had a fight ... at least, I think that's what it
was. I'm not really sure. All I know is that suddenly I just couldn't
stand him anymore, with all his snide comments ("Well, then you can
HAVE Brian and all those other guys") and I took off. He ran across the
parking lot of the church and grabbed my arm, demanding to know what
was wrong. I simply shrugged him off and said, "May I go home, please,
if that's all right with YOU?" I just don't love him at all, and I
wanted to get far away from him.
going on inside
my head??? Why can't I be satisfied with him?
and me went and saw
"Dr. Zhivago" today at the Southcenter Theater. What a fantastic movie!
one of us wants to be The first to say goodbye ...
I've Got To Do Before 5:30 p.m.
Wash & dry my hair
have a zillion things
I've got to get done within the next two hours, before I leave for
Basic Youth Conflicts, so actually I have no time to spare. But I HAD
to sit down
and jot down a couple of lines, super-fast, before I get busy. My
thoughts are clearing up:
I DON'T like Brian.
I DO like Rick Abdill,
sorta. Karen talked to Ben (alias "Banana") to ask if Rick
has a girlfriend, and he said, "No, why?" So she told him that I wanted
to know, and he said, "Why, does she like him?" Karen said "She's not
sure." OH WOW. Wonder what Rick's gonna say.
fantastically good school day. Rhonda, Kar and me cracking up all day.
Walked home with Brian; called Mark. Haven't given Phil much thought.
Tuesday 5 p.m.
September 24, 1974
more pressed for
time this afternoon than I was yesterday, but I HAVE to give you the
latest installment! RICK LIKES ME!!!! I'd like to
down every single fantastic glorious detail, to cherish and remember
for always and forever, BUT --- not enough time, darn it. I'll write as
much as I can.
period Choir: Ben
Lensegrav came in for half an hour to sing with the Choir, and he saw
sitting there at the piano and came walking over with this HUGE smile
on his face. I blushed. I was so embarrassed because I KNEW why he was
smiling!! "Karen has a big mouth," I said to him, and he
laughed. That sorta eased the embarrassment a little, so I asked him,
"Did you tell Rick that I like him?" He said no, and I believe him.
Then he said, "I didn't tell him because yesterday Karen said you
weren't sure. So I didn't want to get his hopes up." I was still sorta
flustered, so all I said in reply was "I'm sure!" Class started just
then, and I spent most of the period watching Rick out of the corner of
my eye while I played the piano. He was sitting by Doug Lumbard, as
and Doug kept sending me secret looks that told me he knows. I also
told Cheryl (the girl who plays piano with me).
Karen and me all sat out on the grass by the track, as usual, and
watched the senior guy's P.E. class playing football. (Rick was out
there, my heart going thump-thump- thump.) Doug Espeseth came over and
us for a while, and he managed to worm it out of me who I like. He's
another one of Rick's friends.
school 3 major
things happened. Ben came up to Karen and asked her if I like Rick, and
she said "yes." Minutes later Doug came up to her and asked
thing, and once again she said "yes." When we three were
headed out to Rhonda's car to go home, I bumped into Craig.
said, "Hey, I've gotta talk to you!" "Now?" I said, and he said "Yep."
So I went over to talk to him, and he told me that RICK LIKES ME and HE
WANTS TO ASK ME OUT!!!! I've been freaking out ever since!!
can't wait for school
tomorrow --- I haven't been this excited in a long time. Rick is so
neat, and CUTE, and SWEET, and I hope that things work out.
walked me out to the
parking lot and told me that Rick's pretty shy, and that it's going to
be up to me to "get acquainted." Hmmm.
course there's still
one major prob ... PHIL.
Wednesday morning 6:35 a.m.
couldn't sleep at all
last night, thinking and dreaming about Rick. I haven't jumped out of
bed so easily & quickly on a school morning in MONTHS. I'm just
so excited! Every time I think about him, I feel my heart start
pounding ten times faster.
so tired and worn
out from another long, exciting day, but before I hit the sack I've got
to unwind with a few words in my ledger.
likes me, I'm sure of
it. Karen talked to Craig after school, and Craig definitely said yes,
Rick likes me. WOW!
was a real fiasco.
I sit in the front of the classroom (at the piano, with Cheryl) and the
whole time I was all nerves. I could feel him staring at me, I swear,
and it made me so nervous that I made a complete idiot of myself,
missing notes and running into things and dropping books. See what he
does to me?
to Basic Youth
again tonight. Something is definitely bugging Phil ...
I wonder what THAT'S all about? ... he's just not the
same. This is going to hurt him. G'night.
afternoon 3 p.m.
September 26, 1974
am SO NERVOUS. Tonight
is the big football game, Glacier against Highline, and Ben told me
he's going to "make Rick go." I'm planning on going with Rhonda, and if
he's there I'm going to feel so embarrassed!!!!
didn't see Rick today
at all. All of the seniors spent the day at Highline Community College
for a college conference. Choir was rather deserted, to say the least
-- half the bass section and practically the entire soprano section was
gone. So we spent the period talking and listening to records. The
whole day was pretty easy and slow-moving, in fact.
I have four hours to
kill until the game, and I wish I could just calm down!
How Can I Tell Him About You?
trying to wile the time away ... still thinking about Rick.
CALLED ME!!!!!! I'm
in an absolute state of SHOCK!!
September 27, 1974
forward to a
long, empty, BORING weekend. No plans at all. Rick wasn't even at
school today ... what a let-down. He wasn't feeling well last night at
the game, maybe that's why he's absent today.
was super-excited last
night after he called me; I was running all over the house, screaming
and crying and jumping up and down with joy. I went crazy! We
talked for about 15 minutes.
football game was
OK. At first I didn't even think he was going to show up, but his
friends and him got there about 15 minutes before the game started. He
sat by me the whole time, but he didn't hold my hand or put his arm
around me or anything. Oh well ... Desirae was right, he IS
shy. We won, 10-6 (we played against Highline) so right now we're the
current district champs. Neat!
the game, Rick, Ben
and me drove over to Herfy's, which was jam-packed with people. Rick
and me just sat and talked, and I got the distinct impression that he
was either very, very bored or else very, very tired. Ben
drove us home -- he sat up in front with Vicki & Donna Muns,
and me sat in back. Again, he didn't hold my hand or anything, but by
this time I wasn't expecting him to. Got home about 11:30.
morning I was so
tired that I decided to sleep a couple extra hours and skip 1st and 2nd
periods. I got to school just as the bell for the end of 2nd period was
ringing. In Choir I discovered that Rick was absent, which put me into
a pensive, slightly depressed mood that prevailed the rest of the day.
are so many things
on my mind. Phil doesn't even know about Rick yet, and it's beginning
to tear me up inside. I keep having to make excuses for not going to
Basic Youth Conflicts with him, and it hurts me to lie to him. This
can't go on much longer. I've got to tell him this weekend.
is ringing. (It
was only Dad, wondering what I want for dinner ... I asked for Chinese
Rick doesn't call I'm
going to be super worried. When you're first going with a guy, you can
never really be certain he likes you ... so when he's absent from
school or doesn't call, it can give you an awful case of the worries.
Yesterday Phil went
to the College Conference, the same thing all the seniors from our
school went to, and Craig ran into him. According to Phil, Craig said
"Hey there, Phil baby, I hate you." He never did forgive Phil for
breaking us up last summer. Then later on, Phil walked past
Craig and Rick, and Craig said, "Hey Phil, this is Terri's new
boyfriend." Phil called and asked me about it, and I almost died. I
lied to him -- I said I don't like Rick at all. I am such a coward.
When I confronted Craig with it at the game, he just shrugged and
away with Denise, his former girlfriend who is now his girlfriend
again. Something has happened to Craig since we broke up. He used to be
one of the nicest, most considerate guys in school, and now he's
nothing but a smartass. I can't stand him and his new attitude. I
simply do not understand him. But then again, I don't really care,
either. I personally have nothing against Denise. I think she's nice,
and I talked to her before class today. Rhonda is deeply hurt that
and Denise are back together, since she has a huge crush on Craig. She
wrote me notes during History and they were still full of Craig, Craig,
Craig, so I know she still cares.
hope I'm not getting
into a bad scene ... back to the drinking and the drugs and the guys
and all that. Rick isn't the super-wild type, but some of his friends
are. I swore I'd never go with a non- Christian guy again, but here I
am. I'm almost afraid to think about God. I've been slipping in my
prayer life and my devotions ... you might say that the lines of
communication are down between the Lord and me, and I'm afraid to
restore them. What if the Lord decides to take action and rub out all
my new friends and interests and plans and happiness ...? I don't want
to be depressed again!!! So I guess I'll just go on living my half and
half life, being a hypocrite along with everybody else. Oh well.
Shouldn't be too long before I'm getting ripped on Friday nights and
dropping speed at school and all my other old "hobbies."
just wish Rick would
CALL. It's 4:15 now so I'd better go find something to do to keep me
busy & keep my mind off him!
have a feeling I'm
going to be writing in you a LOT this weekend, Ledger ... nothing else
to do. I suddenly feel very depressed, sad and lonely, and I don't know
why. Nothing terrible has happened since 4:15. I am just suddenly
engulfed by a wave of sadness.
on the radio and
an ice cold bedroom ... full of Chinese food, and wishing Rick would
call me ...
playing tonight are really getting to me. Putting me into a reflective
mood. Right now they're playing "Popcorn" ... boy, does that dredge up
you can relax,
Terri. He called at 7:30, and although our conversation was not exactly
brilliant -- it had more than its share of long, awkward pauses -- it
was still good to hear his voice. He said that if anything
comes up tonight, like a party or something, he'll give me a call and
take me out. But it's getting kinda late now so I hope nothing does
come up. I'd like to spend a nice, quiet evening at home. However. I
certainly would love to be with TOMORROW night! I hope, I hope, I hope.
night 10 p.m.
September 28, 1974
am utterly, totally
confused. Do I still love Phil? I spent the whole day with him at Basic
Youth, and I just don't know what to do. Rick? Phil? God?
September 29, 1974
just woke up, feeling
groggy and headachey from too much sleep. I wish I could stay asleep
for the next couple of years or so. At least when I'm asleep, I don't
have to worry about Rick & Phil. I just don't know what I'm
going to do. Should I break up with Phil tonight? Should I wait and see
what happens with Rick tomorrow at school? What? Rick didn't call at
all yesterday ... maybe he doesn't even like me at all! Believe me,
future, you wouldn't want to trade places with me.
word. I don't want
to break up with Phil!!!
evening 7 p.m.
September 30, 1974
night off, so I
can do whatever I want, make as much noise as late as I want. Rick
should be calling anytime ... if not, no biggie. Trying to clean my
room -- sort of a half-hearted effort. A lot of things on my mind. Rick
happened to bump into me when I was on my way to 2nd period, so he
walked me to class. Doug and Craig saw us, and naturally they had to
start giving him a hard time. In Choir, Cheryl (my partner) was absent,
so I had to play the piano alone, knowing that Rick was watching my
every move (and noticing my beet red face). Karen said that Doug asked
her if I still like Rick, naturally she said "yes." I do!
October 1, 1974
tired after a long, long day. Sitting here in the living room with a
blazing fire, warm and comfortably drowsy. Watching a great horror
movie ("The Stranger Within"), writing a letter to Karn, a friend from
Camp Firwood last summer.
day wasn't all that
great. For some reason I couldn't seem to get along with my teachers
... I even got in trouble with the vice principal. Saw Rick more than
usual. I LIKE him!! He walked me to 2nd and 6th periods, and
I'm beginning to piece together his schedule. (Late Arrival; English in
the 400 building; Choir; P.E.; Math in room 701; Coed
Business.) He's super- neat. Only prob, I never know what to
say to him!
tonight, we walked down to Albertsons and then I went to her house
where we poured through her sister's old annuals, looking for pictures
of Rick and other assorted guys.
October 3, 1974
"Waterloo" (S.L.!!) <---
ASKED ME TO GO TO
HOMECOMING!!! I can hardly believe it!!! I have to keep pinching myself
to make sure it's not a dream, that I'm wide awake and it's really
happened to me -- plain, everyday, ordinary little Terri
Vert. Rick, cute popular senior letterman at
Glacier, the secret guy of my dreams since I first lay eyeballs on him
last year, actually asked ME to Homecoming. I'm in a stupor.
had a class officers
election assembly today, and when it was over Karen, Rhonda and I went
into the cafeteria to get some lunch. I was just standing there in line
with them when Karen goes, "There's Rick, I see Rick. Hey, RICK!" He
heard her, saw us standing there and worked his way through the crowd
to where we were standing. Him and me were just talking - about the
assembly, lunch, dumb trivial things like that. Then he looked at me
and said, a little uncertainly, "Are you going to Homecoming?"
stopped. I didn't know how to answer! Did he mean, Was I going with
anyone yet (no) or Did I want to go (yes!)? So I smiled and looked at
him, and with a deliberate question in my voice I said "No
his hand on my shoulder, buddy-buddy style, and said "Well then, you're
going with me!" He was so assertive about it, it surprised me, and I
I have a choice?" I said, and he laughed and said
been going crazy
ever since!! What do I wear?? What do I do?? What do I say?? What if he
wants me to dance ?? (I hate dancing.) A thousand billion questions
pounding into my poor little overwhelmed brain ...
am SO TIRED ... worn
out from all the excitement. He never called tonight, but Kar
and me had a fun afternoon riding bikes and listening to records and
looking for costumes for Homecoming Spirit Week. My mind is very full,
Ledger, I can't even
sleep. Wishing I had the answers to the questions racing around in my
head. Is Rick going to be shy forever? Will we ever get past this
awkward stage? He hasn't even held my HAND yet.
October 4, 1974
rundown of the
day, before bed: saw Rick LOTS today, and my longing for him grows and
grows. For instance, today he waited for me after Choir, and then after
school we both went to the cross country meet. He's so sweet!
and me went to a "Crazy Hat Party" at Marita Barton's tonight
-- a bunch of guys (including Phil & John) dressed up
as girls and crashed it.
TThe Hat Party!
Left: I'm at far left (with Marita Barton and Stephanie Lamb)
... no doubt thinking about my complicated love life
Right: Phil is second from left (in flowered dress). along
with Jean Cottrell, John Riley (yellow dress), Dan Kent (black hat) and
Ryan Rehberg (far right)
October 5, 1974
about tonight. I
couldn't even relax enough to sleep in this morning, so I got up at
7:30 and cleaned the house. This might be the night Rick makes his
first move, and I'm SO NERVOUS. I'm going to go over and spend the day
at Grandma's, practicing my Choir music and doing my laundry. Anything
to keep my mind off the football game tonight.
and closer to
zero hour. I am poised on the edge of a canyon, ready to jump to who-
knows-what fate below ... ready to get involved with another guy, to
expose my feelings, to probably get hurt again. I can see the danger
signs so clearly. Going with a non-Christian guy is the dumbest thing I
could be doing right now. I guess I'm not all that bright when it comes
bed: 1:47 a.m.
am a stupid idiot!!!!
October 6, 1974
woke up. Definite
sense of let-down and futility. Last night was a total waste ...
nothing went the way it should have. I made a fool out of myself,
hanging all over him like that, and he didn't reciprocate for one
instant. Can you believe it??? What's the matter with me?? Does he hate
me? I don't think he even likes me ... he can't be THAT shy. All my joy
has vanished. I feel a big, total nothing. And my attitude last night
... oooh, I could just kick myself. I kept apologizing for everything,
acting like I had no personality. I hate myself.
bed 9:30 p.m.
being an idiot,
I am also a first-class creep. I hurt Phil tonight ... the look on his
face will probably haunt me forever. The worst part is that there's
more to come. He definitely knows that something is wrong between us,
and that I don't feel the same; but he doesn't know about Rick,
although I'm sure he has his suspicions. I have to tell him about Rick.
If that doesn't finish him off totally, I don't know what
went to 5:00 singing practice at the church, but the evening service
afterwards was dull so we piled into Phil's car and went over to
Karen's. (Me, Kar, Phil, John and Mike.) We layed on the floor
listening to Bill Cosby albums and talking, and then decided to go to
the store and get something to eat. When we got back to Karen's, loaded
down with frozen pizzas and Cokes, she discovered she'd forgotten her
house key and we were all locked out. Phil drove her back to the church
so she could borrow her sister Lisa's key. While they were alone in
Phil's car, Karen asked him what was wrong. He was obviously upset and
he didn't say much, but he did manage to convey the fact that he's
"worried and confused" about our relationship, and that he needs to
talk to me "alone." Lord, what do I SAY to him?? I was gone almost all
day, so I didn't talk to Rick. Oh well. Today I couldn't care less
about him anyway, after the cruddy way he acted last night. But I'm
sure the minute I see him at school tomorrow, I'll fall madly in love
with him all over again. Oh well ... at least he's still taking me to
Hair cut and styled,
2. Magazine subscription, $6.00
3. Etc. for Homecoming - ?
4. Pictures (retakes, reprints?) - ?
Thots: Hope Mom gives me the ten dollars she owes me for babysitting --
I NEED it!! ...
probably won't wait
for me tomorrow before 2nd period ... having my picture re-taken
tomorrow, iccck. Please, Lord, let them turn out better than the first
October 7, 1974
depressed ... about
wasn't a totally
disturbing day. Nothing specific went wrong. The first day of my new
diet; got my pictures re-taken during 5th period; had our annual Girls
Club Assembly in the morning (zzz). Walking home after school, though,
I suddenly felt this wave of depression wash over me. The only time I
saw Rick all day was during Choir, and even then he didn't say a thing
to me. He never talks to me. He never walks with me. He never calls me
or asks me out or ANYTHING. He probably doesn't want people to even
know we like each other.
feel like crying. I
just can't believe that it's nothing more than shyness that's keeping
him away: there must be something wrong with me.
Tuesday 4 p.m.
October 8, 1974
I sink any lower, I'm
going to wind up in China. I feel totally dejected and lonely. Of
course, Rick totally ignored me again today, which is what I expected.
He made a point of not waiting for me after Choir. SHIT. What do I do
now? What about Homecoming??! I imagine he'll probably come up with
some phony excuse to get out of taking me to the dance. If that happens
I think I'll literally fall to pieces.
asked Denise today if
she knows if he likes me. She said she doesn't know, and what's more he
won't even talk to Craig and Ben, his best friends. She said that for a
while the guys were really teasing him about it, and he was getting
upset. According to Denise, Rick said "What do you want me to do, put
signs up all over the school??" That doesn't sound too promising to me.
So I decided to take the only steps I could. I took down the big sign
on the inside of our locker that says "RICK," and tore off the sign on
my peechee ... plus, I've decided to stay cool and take things easy.
Apparently he feels he's being rushed. Boy, I really blew this one,
didn't I? I just hope he gives me another chance to prove myself, and
that he doesn't break our Homecoming date. Please, Lord!
morning 8:25 a.m.
October 9, 1974
night was Dad's
night off, and he made so much noise until 3 a.m. that I decided to
skip 1st and 2nd periods this morning and sleep in a couple extra
hours. Now I'm just sitting here in my room -- the house is deathly
quiet -- waiting for my electric rollers to heat. On top of everything
else, I woke up with what feels like the flu.
is terrible -- this
total sense of joylessness. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to
look forward to anymore.
October 10, 1974
night I was so
lonely and depressed after Bible Study -- I felt like I had no friends
left at all, and that everyone hated me because of the way I'm treating
Phil -- Karen is mad at me, Phil won't even talk to me. And on top of
everything I was sure that Rick hates my guts. I walked home alone,
dejected, crying out in the darkness to God.
then came today. All
the relationships are clearing up, and I'm HAPPY once more.
Karen was all
buddy-buddy again, her usual self. No problem there. Then, Rick
actually TALKED to me today!! After Choir he walked me up to the locker
and talked to me for a few minutes. I'm so glad!! He's going to pick me
up for the football game tomorrow night! And, Dad said Rick called me
last night while I was out. How's that for a sudden rush? Big relief.
tonight while I
was just spending a quiet evening in my room, Phil called. It was so
neat to hear his voice and to know that he still cares. We finally got
to the subject of our relationship, and Rick, and he asked: "Do -- you
still -- want to go with me?"
was a painful and difficult moment ...
the Moment Of Truth.
said, "No, I don't ... but
Phil, I don't want there to be a wall between us, like there was last
night at church."
said simply, "OK, we can be friends." Those were
the words I've been praying to hear for two weeks.
-- Rhonda and me
are getting to be real close friends. After school I rode home on the
bus with her, and then she got her car and we drove to Jack In The Box
for hamburgers. Then we went to the cross country meet -- after that we
went to her house for a while, then to mine, where we sat in my room
and chatted for a couple of hours. She's so sweet. Tomorrow her and me
are going to Southcenter.
full and complete.
and me, sitting on top of her Corvair
October 11, 1974
to crash. Still
happy. Saw Rick tonight -- he's coming over tomorrow. Happy, too tired
October 12, 1974
don't exactly know
what I'm still doing up at this ungodly hour, but I decided to write a
word or two before I crawl into bed. Dad's out somewhere, probably a
C.B. party or something. The house feels still and empty.
came over tonight
for six whole hours, and it was actually sorta fun. We sat on the couch
and watched TV until the stations signed off for the evening. He's so
funny. I just wish there was less tension between us. We still can' t
seem to totally relax around each other. Maybe that will pass, in time
(if we're together long enough) ... at least I hope it does. He had his
arm around me tonight, and that's a step in the right direction.
could probably be
completely happy right now if it weren't for something Phil told me on
the phone this evening -- Karen's mad at me again. Damn! He said she's
mad about what happened last night. It wasn't MY fault. That really
pisses me off.
just woke up from a
deep, wonderful sleep filled with dreams about Rick. I really think I
like him a lot, and that our relationship could grow into something
neat ... I still haven't totally figured him out, but at least now I do
know that he likes me, but he's just shy and inexperienced. It's just
going to take some time.
way he put his arm
around me last night was really tricky. We were just sitting there on
the couch, when all of a sudden he turned around to push back the
draperies and look out the window. "Sounds like someone's here," he
muttered. His arm was laying on top of the couch, and he sorta
nonchalantly draped it around my shoulders. Sneaky, sneaky.
thoughts. I can't
seem to stop thinking about him! Every song I hear on the radio brings
him to mind, makes me wish I could be with him RIGHT NOW.
is being a real
bitch towards me again, and I'm getting sick of it. I'm through
apologizing and humbling myself constantly, trying to stay on her "good
side." I have Rick, I have John and Phil and Mike and
Jerry for friends at church, I have Rhonda for a new best girlfriend.
I'm tired of Karen pushing me around and taking advantage of me all the
time ... she has half my clothes hanging in her closet, a bunch of my
record albums, most of my earrings, and anything else she can get her
hands on ... I'M SICK OF IT!!
My favorite song,
"Everlasting Love" (Carl Carlton).
back to Rick ... my
favorite subject. My romantic little mind can't help but fantasize ...
I wish he'd KISS me.
October 17, 1974
had any time to
write this past week. Can you believe it: 48 short hours from now I'll
be at the Homecoming Dance!?! I am nearly overcome with
terror. I'm so
afraid I'll do or say something awful.
dress is just right. Grandma
bought it for me on Tuesday, and I love it: navy blue with tiny red and
green flowers and a white collar. Plus a new pair of shoes, a beautiful
expensive white shawl, and a gold necklace with matching bracelet and
earrings. But what am I gonna do with my hair???
for me after Choir and walked me to my locker. He said, "Is there any
place special you'd like to go for dinner?" I couldn't think of any
place, so I guess I sorta copped-out and said, "No, you decide." Then
he looked at me and said, sort of embarrassed, "Do I have to buy you
one of those ... flower things?" Meaning a corsage. And I said, "Yes!"
to watch the movie
movie brings back a
flood of painfully tender memories, of Clarence and of lost love and
shattered dreams. It makes me want Rick -- or SOMEBODY -- even more
than ever, someone I can love and care about and know feels the same
about me. Right now I long for an involvement, for the security of a
close and involving relationship. (You
just HAD one, you big dumb
idiot, with the nicest guy in the universe - Phil - and you
blew him off like yesterday's newspaper.)
took this photo of me before Rick picked me up for Homecoming.
(At the dance, we were too drunk to pose for pictures, so this is the
picture I've got of that night.)
semi-drunk ... he KISSED me, at long long last! I'm CRAZY about him!
Details tomorrow. Too dizzy to write now.
October 20, 1974
now it's time for me
to write out all the exciting details of the fantastic evening I had
with Rick last night. I'll never, ever forget it -- it was so neat.
Every time I think about it I get so excited I just want to burst. I
wish I could re-live the whole thing.
spent the whole day
yesterday getting ready and psyching myself up for the dance. By the
time 7:00 rolled around, I was all dressed in my new clothes,
struggling with my hair, and SO NERVOUS I could barely think. When he
knocked on the door I thought I was going to fall to pieces. He looked
absolutely terrific -- brown plaid pants, tan corduroy jacket, yellow
shirt and brown tie -- he really looked neat. We went over to Doug L.'s
house first. Craig and Denise, Gail Johanssen (Doug's date), Ben
Lensegrav and Becky
Doremus were all there, down in the basement playing pool and listening
records and drinking. Gail was already ripped out of her mind, and
everyone else was in an extremely "festive" mood. I had a full glass of
sloe gin mixed with 7-Up, and half an hour later I started feeling
pretty good too.
8:30 we went to the dance. Both Rick and I were
pretty dizzy, so we just sat there, his arm wrapped around my waist,
watching the band and the strobe lights and the dancers, feeling
fantastic. We didn't dance at all but we still had fun being together.
We were able to talk fairly easily, because the gin loosened us
left early, around 10:30, to go eat. The first restaurant we went to,
The Polynesian, wouldn' t seat us because we didn't have reservations.
Rick was very embarrassed. Then we drove back to Burien and went to
Black Angus for steak. By the time we finished eating it was nearly 1
a.m., so we headed back to Doug's for the after-dance party. No one
else was there yet, so we drove around for a while ... stopped off at A
& W to get some root beer to mix with the sloe gin. (Bleccchhh...)
we got back to Doug's, everyone was there but Gail had gotten so
sick she hadn't even made it to the dance. Doug was
in a bad mood because of that, and he wouldn't let anyone
drink in the house, so Rick and me decided to go sit out in his car so
we could finish our bottle of gin. We just sat there parked in
front of Doug's house and drank the whole bottle. Half an hour later it
began to hit us, and I felt really great. I reached over and put my
head on his shoulder, but his car has bucket seats so we were sitting
pretty far apart. The radio was situated right between us, and I said
"Why don't you move the radio so I can sit next to you?" He said, "That
sounds like a pretty good idea," and he dumped the radio onto the floor
and I moved over next to him. I was kinda drunk, so the next hour or so
is fuzzy in my memory, but I do remember that suddenly he was all over
me, kissing me and hugging me and everything. Rick Abdill, shy and
inexperienced?? Not hardly!! Of course it was the booze that gave him
the guts, but still I enjoyed it. We were in that car so long that I
lost all track of time. It was just so neat. Around 3:30 or so he fell
asleep in my arms (he was snoring!) and I guess I drifted off too
because the next thing I remember is Doug knocking on the steamed-up
car window and saying, "God, they're really sacked-out in there." Rick
sat up and rolled down the window, sort of in a sleepy/drunken stupor,
and Doug said, "Hey old buddy, don't mean to wake you but I thought you
might like to know it's 4:00." We left, both of us half asleep.
I got home at 4:20,
I was still half-drunk. Dad was SUPER MAD, and I almost got canned, but
I managed to sweetly lie my way out of trouble ... Dad believed me and
ended up apologizing for "spoiling" my big evening.
evening was so neat.
But now I'm worried. Was it just the gin?? If it was, does that mean
the only time he's ever going to pay attention to me is when he's
drunk? Is he going to continue to ignore me at school, only talking to
me on the weekends when (IF) we go out? Am I just a one night stand?
side note: Doug Lumbard signed the *FootNotes* guestbook a
year or two back. "Read your account of your
homecoming date with Rick A in 74," he wrote. "Brought back a wave of
memories. thank you." I felt so
inspired by this exchange that I sent a message to Rick, via
Classmates.com. It said:
Did I ever thank you for taking
me to Homecoming in '74? It was my very first high school
formal dance, and it meant a lot. :)
life has turned out well. I remember you fondly.
my surprise and delight, he answered almost immediately:
terri! i had a great time at homecoming to! i remember some
fun times we had !!! hope things are going well for
But now ... back to our story ..
October 21, 1974
was right. He totally,
completely, absolutely ignored me the whole day ... didn't so much as
say "hi" to me. It has me a little upset, BUT - for some reason I'm in
a really cheerful mood, smiling at people and everything. Makes it a
little easier to get through the day. Karen's in a really great mood,
too, which makes things doubly easier. Now why won't he TALK to me?? I
feel like there's nothing left to look forward to, now that Homecoming
has come and gone. Let-down.
October 22, 1974
think this whole thing
is going around in circles. I feel the exact same way today that I did
two weeks ago ... alone, dejected and depressed. I feel like crawling
into a hole and evaporating. WHY won't he talk to me?? Am I asking too
much to expect him to simply say "hi," or smile, or wave, or even LOOK
was awful. I'm sick with the flu, Rick acts like he hates
me, Karen didn't walk home with me tonight. I feel like shit. I'm so
stupid. I just can't seem to snap out of this depression. I like Rick
so damned much, and I feel like I'm just being used. Didn't he mean
he said on Saturday night? Is it all over, or what? All I can
do is sit here in my room playing mushy love songs on the record
player, staring at his pictures in the annual. I feel like a lovesick
teenybopper. If only he'd call me or even LOOK at me at
school! I feel
flu has really got
me down ... all I need is for Rick to be pulling this crap. What am I
October 23, 1974
hate myself for this,
but I'm staying home in bed today. I've gotta knock this flu, and it's
such a gray, cold, foggy morning that I just crawled down deeper into
the blankets and ignored my alarm clock. Now I'm just sitting here in
bed, listening to the radio and missing Rick. Maybe he'll call me
tonight, ha ha ha. I've lost all hope.
what do you know?
Apparently a quiet day spent at home, "doing my own thing," was just
the therapy I needed. My bruised spirit definitely feels uplifted. Oh,
I'm not on top of the world, bursting with joy or anything. But I just
feel some inner calmness finally. I've been thinking about Rick, and I
realize that his shyness (or whatever you want to call it) isn't the
end of the world. If he changes, great, but if he doesn't I won't
shrivel up and die. I've just got to quit mooning over him all the time
and use these precious days to grow into a better person. This is
supposed to be the best time of my life. So I've got to make the most
of it. I've got to start cultivating my own talents and interests,
instead of sitting around wishing someone would do it for me.
October 24, 1974
Life just continues to go up and down, up and down.
to figure Rick out. He waited for me after Choir today ... can you
believe it? I can't. I simply don't understand him at all. He wasn't in
a terrific mood, but so what? At least he talked to me, walked me up to
my locker and acknowledged the fact that I'm alive, his supposed
"girlfriend." And that's all that counts. I was in a good mood all day.
I think the fact that I left this morning in the right frame of mind
for a change really helped. I felt alive.
talked to Starla for a
minute, and I happened to mention that Rick "almost never talks to
said, "Well, what do you expect? You're his first girlfriend, and
am??? He's so adorable and so sweet, I just sort of took
it for granted that he's had a zillion girlfriends. I'm the first??
Well ... that puts an entirely new light on the situation, does it not?
I think I have at least one thing figured out. If I want to be happy,
I've got to stop spending half my life sitting around moping and
feeling sorry for myself.
afternoon 3:30 p.m.
October 25, 1974
got that autumn
feeling that I love ... my head is swirling around ... happy, but more
than that, I feel complete. Rick didn't talk to me again today, but so
what? I'm not going to let it get me down anymore. Good day. Got my
pictures ... they're not bad, but I have a sort of funny expression on
my face. Had a pep assembly at the end of the day. Everyone is
SUPER-PSYCHED for the big game tomorrow night. Now I'm just laying on
my bed in grungy, comfortable old clothes, listening to KOL-FM on the
radio, enjoying the feel and the smell of the season. Wishing I could
be with Rick tonight, but probably facing a quiet evening at home.
late to save myself from falling ..."
I could go out with
Rick tonight. Wish I could get HIGH. If I'm going to forsake my
commitment to Christ, by going out with non-Christian guys, reverting
back to my old patterns of thought, drinking, etc., I may as well go
whole hog and start up with the drugs again too, right? Well, that's
not exactly the reason. I just wish I could get some speed or some
mesc, something to "loosen me up." Maybe Dick can get me something.
He's got good connections. He offered to get me some windowpane at a
really good price, but that's acid, and I'm not about to get messed up
with that stuff.
resigned myself to
the fact that he isn't going to call. A little disappointed, but I'll
survive. If everything goes all right, I'll be seeing him tomorrow
night. I hope, I hope, I HOPE.
October 26, 1974
sitting here in the living room watching "Curly Top." Still uncertain
about my evening plans. Dad's outside painting the house. Nice, autumny
day. Feeling pretty good.
shoot!! How disappointing. Rick just called and said he "doesn't know
if he can go to the game tonight." Gave some excuse about having to
paint his house. Said that if he doesn't call by 6, he won't be going.
Wonderful. I feel so let-down ... guess I had my hopes built up too
high. Now it's all crashing in.
RINGING - 5:17
p.m. Only Rhonda. I feel like crying.
now it's obvious he
isn't coming. Words can't express how I feel.
going to HATE myself
for this, but in one hour Rhonda's picking me up and we're going to go
out with these two 20 yr. old guys. Kind of a blind date. I'm scared,
and I feel like I'm going into this against my better judgement, but
sitting home alone on a Saturday night is OUT. I just feel bad about
two things: I'll be cheating on Rick, and I'll be lying to my Dad. Oh
well ... let's just wait and see what happens!
October 27, 1974
am I fucked up.
drank way, way, WAY
too much last night, then smoked pot of top of that ...
totally screwed myself up. We spent the evening at Carston &
Mark's apartment, sitting around drinking, talking. Thank goodness
nothing really bad happened,
if you know what I mean. I don't think I've ever been that drunk. This
morning I am so sick.
I feel like shit. I made a mess out of my bedroom last night, threw up
all over everything, so I had to spend a nauseating hour cleaning it
all up. Funzies. Why do I DO things like this?? It wasn't even much
fun, so I can't use that as an excuse.
well. I wish Rick
would call, but I doubt that he will. There's no school tomorrow. Wish
we could go out. I haven't seen him all weekend!! I think my head is
still a little fuzzed-up ... excuse my incoherency. I'm SO THIRSTY,
dammit, but I can't hold anything down. This is hell.
wish Phil was here. I
need to talk to him. I don't know why I need him so much right now, but
I look I see
reminders of last night's sickness. Still feel awful.
recovered enough of my stomach to eat a light dinner. Relief. Spending
a pleasantly boring evening watching TV, working on my scrapbook,
writing letters. Rick never called. Did I really think he would? (No.)
I never want to see another can of beer or another bong as long as I
live. The very thought is enough to make me want to run into the
bathroom and throw up ... again.
Working on my scrapbooks
October 28, 1974
took a hot shower;
now I'm cuddled here in the living room, watching "Rhoda" get married
on TV, thinking. School tomorrow -- yuck. Today was a national holiday,
so I spent a nice, quiet day at home. Accomplished one major task:
cleaned my bedroom.
didn't call ...
that's becoming a cliché in this ledger, isn't it? That's
OK, though. I'll see him tomorrow at school, and I have my new subtle
strategy all mapped out. During third period Choir I'm going to smile
at him. That's all. No big production -- just a smile. I don't think
it'll get to him in any big way, but it'll be a sign that I care and
that I know he's alive. If he's too dumb to reciprocate, then that's
had her puppies
(Litter #4,362,987) tonight at 10:30 p.m.
October 29, 1974
talked to Doug
today during 6th period and asked him if Rick still likes me. According
to her, he said "I honestly don't know," and let it go at that. Not
sure how to react to that. Guess in a way it's good. At least it means
he isn't saying anything negative about me. There's a football game on
Thursday night ... do I dare hope? Rick was watching me a lot during
3rd period, more than usual as a matter of fact. I kept catching him
staring at me. But then he didn't wait for me after class. I don't know
if I can take this treatment a whole lot longer. There are other guys
out there that I wouldn't mind going out with ... Dean Hultman, Roger
Thomas ... and sometimes I wonder if I'm wasting my time on Rick.
Something inside of me says, "Why
not find someone else, someone who will treat you like a human being,
someone who will really care about you?"
But I just can't give up on Rick -- not yet, anyway. I really like him,
despite all the crap he's put me through. I am a glutton for
punishment, I know.
October 30, 1974
for my electric
rollers to heat up -- I want to look nice at Bible Study tonight. Dad
in his room, typing; chicken TV dinner in the oven. OK day. Rick waved
at me right before 5th period. Better than nothing, I guess. Wish I
could go out with him this weekend, but I am definitely not counting on
it. Doug said something to Karen today, of slight interest:
How's Terri and
Karen: That's what Terri and me would like to know!
strange pain in the
middle of my chest is getting worse. It's a sharp ache, feels like "a
piece of bone is sticking out" (that's what I told Phil). He said maybe
it's a blood clot. Wouldn't that be jolly fun.
all over as friends
Is gonna be tough
But we gotta face it.
We lost what we had,
and that set us back a thousand years
Starting all over again is gonna be rough
but we're gonna make it.
kept me awake until
way past 1 a.m. last night (talking on his radio and running around the
house making noise) so I slept in a couple of hours this morning; I
plan on hittin' school around 3rd period or so. Waiting for my rollers
to heat up ... feeling groggy and hungry, wishing I knew whether or not
Rick really likes me at all. I feel like this whole "thing" is a waste
of my time. Rainy day. Hope I can swing a ride to school somehow. I
just feel empty inside, and RICK is the cause of it all. DARN HIM!!
Crud, crud, crud,
crud, crud. He didn't talk to me at all. I said "hi" to him right
before Choir, he said "hi" back. Whooppee. What I would like to know
is, are we going to the football game tonight? I doubt it. He won't
trying to fix me
up with Dean. Hmmm. He made a point of talking to me today, and it took
me an hour to calm down afterwards!
and me went out
and took my little sister and step-brother Ronny out trick-or-treating,
and it was (surprisingly) pretty fun. Karen and me have been on
unusually good terms this past week or so.
really down in the
dumps about Rick ... it's been a long time since any guy has had me
this depressed. I just don't know what to do. Part of me says give up;
the other says give him time. How much time does he need?? I like him a
lot -- I can't just switch my feelings overnight. That's why I'm
finding it hard to simply start "liking" Dean ... I
CAN'T! It's not that easy.
and empty and confused inside.
November 2, 1974
lot has happened. Last
night the Senior High group from church went roller skating out in
Auburn. It was pretty fun ... I skated with a lot of different guys,
had a good time laughing and yelling and being alive. Phil and me were
together most of the time, just like old times, and I got the definite
impression that he still loves me. On the bus ride home I was sleeping
with my head on his shoulder, and he was gently stroking my hair. I
didn't react -- I didn't want to start anything. I still love Phil, but
I don't want to go back with him as his girlfriend. I don't want to
risk losing his precious friendship. After skating we had a party at
Connie Brown's, and then I spent the night at Karen's house. Fun.
at school, Karen
talked to Roger and asked him if Dean has a girlfriend.
Uh, Roger, a
friend of mine wants to know if a friend of yours has a girlfriend?
Roger: Which friend of mine?
Roger: Well, who wants to know?
Karen: Terri does, but please don't tell anybody.
Roger: No, he doesn't have a girlfriend.
Karen: Does he like Carolyn Dopps?
Karen: Oh, OK, that's all I wanted to know. Don't tell anybody.
Roger: Oh, I won't, I won't.
I bet ya he did!!
Because afterwards, when Karen, Rhon and me were on our way to 5th
period Health, I happened to turn around in time to see Roger and Dean
standing there at their lockers, and Dean was watching me with the
STRANGEST look on his face ... and then after school, when we three
were heading out to Rhonda's car to go home, Roger and Dean were
walking in front of us. Roger stopped to talk to us for a sec, and he
and Karen made a pointed comment about Dean, looking right at me and
I seem to be doing
a good job of talking myself into liking Dean. He's a pretty neat guy,
cute, really nice and easy-going ...
I'm being 100%
insane. I don't even know how Dean feels. He might not even like me at
all. I should just slow down, keep my big mouth shut, and not make any
hasty moves that I might regret. I don't want to end up flat on my
the meantime, what do
I tonight? Just stay home and have a thrilling time watching TV and
doing homework and feeling like an old maid?? I wish I could go out.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I wish I could go out with Rick,
dammit. I'm still hung up on him, I know it, and nothing's going to
change that. I don't want it to end between us. But it's got to!
November 3, 1974
a few minutes to
write ... I've got to get ready for church tonight. (The singing group
is performing at the 7:00 service.)
night I spent the
night at Karen's house again, and for "fun & thrills" we
decided to walk over to Albertsons to see if Dean was working. He was,
and when he said "hi" to us I thought I was going to freak out
completely!! Later we had to go back and get some more pop. I was
embarrassed, so I stood outside and waited for Karen to buy it. And
just then Dean came walking by with a couple of grocery
carts!! I wanted to sink into the ground, I was so embarrassed. He
smiled at me and said, "Hi Terri, what are ya doing, making this a
regular stop?" The question in my mind is, Now what? What do I do next?
I'll see him tomorrow during first period English. What do I do? What
do I say? Karen's going to ask Roger tomorrow if he talked to Dean, but
-n- Dean?? (first
time I've ever written it!!) Dean -n- Terri???
tonight -- can feel a bad mood coming on. We did a pretty good job
singing. I played the piano, and I was so nervous my hands were
shaking. Afterwards, Phil, Mike and me all went over to Karen's house
for an hour or so, laying on the floor listening to Cheech &
Chong tapes and talking. I'm nervous about facing Dean tomorrow. I hope
Roger talked to him. I like him. At least, I do tonight. And I'm
nervous, wondering how he feels.
afternoon 4:30 p.m.
November 4, 1974
am up to my ears in
homework ... plus, I've got some other things to do tonight ... but I
HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED TODAY!!!!!! I'm so excited, I can't stop
quivering!!! This was a super-super-super-terrific
LIKE him (Dean). I
really, really do!! This morning during English, I kept watching him
out of the corner of my eye -- checking for signs that Roger had talked
to him. Once, Mr. Folsom said something about people being absent last
week, and Dean said, "Yah, TERRI VERT!" and looked straight at me with
big smile. (I melted inside.) During lunch Karen talked to Roger again.
Their classic conversation is recorded, word for word, below:
Hey, Roger, come
here ... I've gotta ask you something.
Karen: Did you tell Dean what I asked you last week?
Karen: (screaming, excited, jumping up and down) What'd he say?
Roger: Now calm down, he said ‘Oh good, oh decent.'
Karen: Is that good or bad?
Roger: That's good?
Karen: Well, is he happy or depressed or what?
Roger: He's happy!
Karen: That's good.
Karen came into
History and told me, I swear I freaked out! I lost control! I was just
sitting there with Rhon before class, and Roger walked by. He saw me
and poked his head in the doorway and waved and said "Hi, TERRI!" Dean
was with him, and he did the same thing, smiled at me REALLY big. OH
WOW. We were sitting there in 5th period Health, and all of a sudden
GUESS WHO WALKED IN??? Dean. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't even
bring myself to look at him. Karen said he saw me, tho. He works at
Albertsons tonight. Karen and me are (maybe) going to walk over there
in about half an hour ... depends on if she calls. I'M SO EXCITED.
I'll go fix some