Journal No. 12

Tuesday night 10:30 p.m.
September 3, 1974

Waiting for my hair to dry so I can set it and go to bed. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is the first day of school. Excited? Nervous? Sad? In a way, all three. I'm excited because I know I'll have a lot of opportunities to live for the Lord. Nervous, because I'll have to face a lot of old "friends" who just won't understand the new Terri Vert. Sad, because a great summer has ended, one that rearranged my whole way of thinking & changed my entire life. It's all ahead of me, and I can feel it coming ...

Dear Jesus, just let me be worthy of receiving all the things You've given me.

Wednesday night 9:45 p.m.
September 4, 1974

I'm SO TIRED. What a long, eventful, exhausting day. All in all, it wasn't too bad.

Here's my schedule and teachers:

American Literature - Mr. Folsom
Shorthand 1 & 2 - Ms. Milne
Concert Choir - Mr. Davis
U.S. History Since 1900 - Mr. Naibert
Health - Mr. Sahli
Troubadours - Mr. Davis

It's amazing, though, how many problems and worries I can accumulate in only one day. All the piano music I've got to learn (for Choir and Troubadours), for one thing ... I don't know if I can do it. After school I walked over to the church and practiced for three back-breaking hours on the sanctuary piano. But the music is SO hard!! I think I can handle the music for Choir, but I wish there were some graceful way I could get out of Troubadours. I am definitely in over my head there.

Besides that, I'm worried about my relationship with Phil. At church tonight it was almost as though I felt NO love towards him anymore. Oh boy ... I hope this isn't a beginning of the end. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him.

Thursday afternoon 4:09 p.m.
September 5, 1974

What a day. After only two short days of school, I feel like I need another three month vacation.

What am I going to do about Troubadours?? I wish there was an easy way to get out of it. Why did Karen have to volunteer me as a pianist, anyway?? It's obvious I'll never be as good as Karen Koski, so why should I even try? I feel so discouraged and burdened.

Tonight I plan to just sit back and RELAX. Good thing the weekend is coming up.

All last spring I had a terrible, tremendous crush on this guy at school named Wally. He's a year ahead of me, and I loved him in spite of everyone else's opinion, but to my sorrow he never really noticed me. Well, I mean, he noticed me, but it's a long story and I don't want to go into it. Anyway, during the summer I pretty well forgot about Wally ... until today. You can guess what happened. I saw him today at school, and it's last year all over again. Crap.

Besides Wally ... why couldn' t I keep my eyes off Rick Abdill during Choir today? Maybe because he couldn't keep his eyes off me, either? (In other words, we spent the whole hour stealing glances at each other.)

What's the MATTER with me??? I'm going with Phil, but here I am on the second day of school already, thinking about other guys. Is this the Lord's way of letting me know Phil and I are becoming too serious? Or is it Satan's way of trying to break us up? Wish I could figure myself out.

Phil called me tonight around 7:00, and it was like talking to a casual acquaintance. When I heard his voice, I felt nothing at all ... absolutely nothing. It was weird, and it scares me. Why? Why do I have to lose him? Why do I feel like the end is in sight? Why can't I keep on loving him with the same intensity? Maybe this is just a passing feeling. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up and love him just as much as ever.

Kiki Dee, "Song For Adam" KZOK 102.5 FM

Friday 8:00 p.m.
September 6, 1974

All I can say is PRAISE THE LORD THE WEEKEND IS HERE! I feel like I've been going to school for a month, and it's only been three days. I could have gone out with Phil tonight, but I decided to be good to myself for a chance, stay home and go to bed early. That'll feel good.

Why does school have to be such drudgery? It can be so depressing, day in and day out, the same old routine, the same old faces, the same books and desks and lockers and crowded hallways. What's the point in it all, anyway?

Karen totally deflated me today when she casually mentioned that Scott and Anna are going together. I was crushed! I know that he hates my guts -- I'm no dummy. I mean, it's only obvious, the way he glares at me in the hallway. But despite that, I'd been harboring one lingering hope that maybe, just maybe, we would get back together again. I know it was dumb but I couldn't help it. Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Karen says they've been going together for three months, and that he gave her a promise ring a few days ago. Why does that hurt me so deeply? It really does.

Oh well. There's always Phil, but I feel so confused about him now. I don't even know if I like him or not, and it's terrible.

I hate school. It's screwing up my whole life and making me miserable. All my values are being shuffled around. When I'm at school, surrounded by "the surging masses," I almost lose sight of everything my life stands for now: my faith, my true friends, my commitment. It's almost as though I'm being pulled back to all my old attitudes and feelings -- the callous indifference, the boredom and frustration, the desperate struggle for acceptance. All the primitive feelings I was sure I could leave behind. What's happening to me? Lord, please don't let me fall down again.

Romans 7 -- "I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right but I can't. I do what I don't want to do -- what I hate. But I can't help myself, because I'm no longer doing it. It's sin inside of me that is stronger than I am that makes me do these evil things."

Saturday morning 12:15 p.m.
September 7, 1974

I woke up this morning feeling considerably happier and more relaxed. I guess I just needed some extra sleep.

I wish I could forget about all of my problems & worries this weekend and concentrate on relaxing. It's hard, though, because I keep thinking about those dumb Choir classes, and Scott going with Anna, and whether-or-not-I-still-love-Phil, and all the other little tensions that have been pounding into my brain. Why can't I just let it go??

Sunday 9 a.m.
September 8, 1974

Phil didn't come over last night because he was working until late, but he called me. I couldn't really find anything to say to him. So I spent the evening at home, watching the Miss America Pageant and trying to fix my broken shoe. (FUN)

Now it's early morning, and in a few minutes I'll get up and get ready for church. I did my devotions this morning, and talked with God for a couple of minutes. Something terrible is happening, though ... I keep losing sight of Him. Whenever my troubles start piling up in my head and I get depressed, it's because I'm not looking to Him. I think of all the joy and peace He'll give me, if I only give in to Him and keep my eyes on Him, and it makes me furious with myself.

Before Bed:

Raining, miserably cold outside. I feel very secluded and safe here in my room, almost ready to snuggle down in between my nice warm blankets and sleep. I'm going to skip school tomorrow! Shocking! I spent the day over at Phil's house ... we looked at a bunch of his baby pictures, spent a lot of time together. I love him.

Monday
September 9, 1974

I shouldn't have stayed home from school today. Running away from my problems will never solve them, and that's exactly what I'm trying to do -- run away. I'm afraid to face Mr. Davis, afraid of the humiliation of "not being good enough" for Troubadours. But hiding in my bedroom won't do any good! I've got to face up to this.

Dad stayed home today too. What a couple of phonies we are ... saying we're "sick" so we can hide from school and from work and from the world for one blissful day. Oh well. We can't even convince each other. How can we expect to convince anybody else??

I wish I only had a few days of school left until graduation. I know, it's a terrible thing to wish yourself into the future, because time goes by "too fast" as it is. Maybe so. But I can't help but look ahead, speculating & wishing & dreaming. School is so dull. It pulls me down, spiritually and emotionally and physically. Will June 1976 ever come?? And then again, in a way I dread graduation. Do you realize that I am almost seventeen years old and I have absolutely NO idea what I'm going to do after high school? Of course, I plan to serve the Lord in any way I can, but so far He hasn't led me into anything. I'm not worried, though. I know He has a perfect plan for my life, and that it's all ahead of me. In a way I'd like to use my talents to serve Him, my musical or artistic or writing abilities. Something I enjoy doing, something that will bring pleasure to God and to others. And of course the dream of a husband and a home of our own and children is a fond hope, as it is for any girl. As for college -- well, let's just say that college, as of right now, is a big question mark in my mind, hazy and uncertain and undecided.

In a way I envy Phil. He knows what he wants to do, and feels that the Lord is already leading him into a career in law and politics. Of course, the Lord has a strange way of undoing our "plans" sometimes ... Phil knows that, and he's ready for the Lord's direction. How neat. I hope I can be that certain someday.

I guess I'm just in a very philosophical mood this afternoon. I have a lot of things on my mind, and it all comes out best on paper. It certainly gives my head a sense of organization when I write it all down like this!

Do you think I'll ever marry Phil? That thought has crossed my mind many, many times, but of course only time will tell. Actually, when I think of getting married, there's never been anyone else in my mind but him. Now, I know how typically sixteen year old that sounds, especially since he's my current boyfriend and I'm forever writing about "love." But listen, this is for real. I can't help the way I feel. Phil and me have been so close for so many years, there isn't another human being that knows me as well as he does. Even long before our friendship turned into romance (I hate that word: it sounds so corny), I knew that I loved him in a special way. I knew we had a special relationship. Anyway, what I'm leading up to here is, even if I'm being totally unrealistic -- if I don't marry Phil someday -- I pray that the man I marry is just like him. A spiritual leader, kind and considerate and PATIENT when it comes to dealing with my emotional ups and downs. Someone I can talk to as freely as I can talk to Phil. I've turned that aspect of my future over to God, trusting Him as I do everything else.

I don't see how I could ever go out with a non-Christian guy again. I can't see into the future so I don't know if it'll happen or not, but right now the thought makes me sick. Satan is already trying to trick me in that area, making me doubt my love for Phil, and making certain boys at school seem attractive to me (Rick!) Oh Lord, please give me the strength to resist!!

Boy, I'll tell ya something ... the man I marry is going to have to have the forgiveness of a saint. After all, I'm a "woman with a past"!

Tuesday 8:15 p.m.
September 10, 1974

Life is so hard.

Today was an absolutely miserable day. Karen, as usual, went out of her way to hurt me. She made sure that she and Rhonda left me out of everything. I felt so lonely and depressed ... I wished I could just leave, move away, evaporate.

Oh well, at least I managed to accomplish one thing today: I got out of Troubadours. That's a load off my mind, although I can't help but think about how I'm letting Mr. Davis down. Hmmm. I'm trying not to look at it from his perspective, trying to ignore some of the guilt I feel.

When I came home from school today I found myself locked out. Determined not to spend two hours sitting on the front porch waiting for Dad to get home from work, I summoned whatever sparse gymnastics skills I possess and climbed a ladder, then crawled through Dad's bedroom window. I was so proud of myself. Such ingenuity.

I had a long, neat time of prayer. It really helped me put the day into perspective. I don't know how I would make it without God.

Phil didn't call me tonight ... a night when I really needed someone to talk to.

Wednesday 10:15 p.m.
September 11, 1974

It's getting late, so I only have a second or two to write, BUT -- I have to say this -- I love, love, love, love, LOVE Phil. I really do. It's so neat, and I thank the Lord for him every day. He's so precious to me.

School is still awful but I think I can survive. I work in the G.A.P. (Guidance and Planning) Office now during 6th period, instead of playing piano Troubadours. I'll be doing stuff like typing and filing. Better than Troubies any day. Which reminds me, I think Mr. Davis hates me now (my own personal observation, gathered from his cold & distant attitude today in Choir). Oh well -- one more problem isn't going to hurt.

Karen was almost human tonight at Bible Study, but I'm not expecting any big changes until God speaks directly to her heart. Bible Study was pretty neat, and we had a huge turn-out. Kriss came tonight, and she gave me a word of advice regarding Mike S.: she said that the next time he calls me, I should "hang up on him." According to her, he's the creep of Highline High School. Well, I'm not going to hang up on him, even though he pesters me with phone calls every single night. I just can't hurt him! I always seem to make it my business to salvage the discarded and unwanted guys around. I feel something for them. Maybe understanding. I certainly know what it's like to be lonely.

I'll go into this more tomorrow. Good night.

Thursday 6:35 a.m.
September 12, 1974

Waiting for my electric rollers to heat; sitting on my bed listening to the radio (Midnight Rider), thinking about the day ahead of me, loving Phil. I turned this day over to the Lord, every single minute of it, so let's see what He has in store for me.

Afternoon 4:15 p.m.

Only one more day until the weekend, praise God. What a pointless way to live ... living for the weekend. Oh well.

Today was another "OK" day. It had its good points and its bad points. Karen still hasn't changed. In fact, she gets worse every single day. Shades of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!!

I'll write later tonight if I have time.

Things I've Gotta Do Tonight (not necessarily in this order):

1. Talk to Phil on the phone!
2. Do my History report (yuck - 1,000 words)
3. Wash hair
4. Eat dinner
5. Do my devotions

Friday night

Utterly miserable, lonely. Unsure of my feelings for Phil. Life is awful.

Saturday morning 10:25 a.m.
September 14, 1974

I am absolutely miserable. Yesterday during 5th period Health, Mr. Sahli announced that we were to divide up into groups of 2, 3, or 4 to do our reports. Karen and Rhonda automatically formed a group together, while I just sat there. Nobody asked me to be in their group, so I just sat there alone the whole period, dejected.

During 6th period I read Karen's notebook, the one that she and Rhonda have been passing back and forth to write notes in. The terrible, cruel things they wrote about me broke my heart completely.

Phil came over last night and took me down to the park. We sat there for two hours while I cried and cursed God and life and poured out my heart. I hate life, I hate being lonely, I hate Karen and what she's doing to me. I can't pretend to love her anymore!!!!!! On top of everything else, why do my feelings for Phil have to keep jumping back and forth, up and down ... ?!? Like, right now I don't really love him all that much. I feel like I'm only clinging to him for security and comfort during this lonely ordeal. He symbolizes love to me: one of the few people left who really care.

Oh Lord, WHY? Why are You hurting me this way?? You know how lonely I am ...

Monday 5:30 p.m.
September 16, 1974

Up and down, up and down. That's the way my life goes. Today was actually -- can you believe it? -- a good day! Not a great day, but certainly an improvement over last week. I decided to swallow my pride and start hanging around Karen and Rhonda ... risking possible rebuff ... and to my surprise, I was warmly received! Maybe I was being a butt last week. Maybe it wasn't all Karen's fault. Hmmm. That really makes me stop and think.

We three went to A & W for lunch today, it was pretty fun. Definitely a relief, not having to dread school every morning.

Yesterday Connie Brown and I went over and spent the day at Phil and Ryan's house after church, had a nice time. Played badminton and ping pong, which are practically the only two games I am any good at. Had a big salmon dinner.

Got my entrance pass for Basic Youth next week ... I can't wait! Mike Davidson called me after school and I'll be seeing him there. I'll probably see Mark, too. YAY!

News flashes:

Rhonda is in love with Craig, my ex. (Jealousy pangs?) And Karen has a big crush on Roger Clark, a nice guy in our class.

Later:

Now I have a few minutes to kill until 7:30, when Phil's supposed to call, so I think I'll amuse myself by writing a few thoughts.

Today I sort of like Phil. I'm not crazy about him, I'm not losing my head over him. He's a nice guy and I love him as a brother. But not really as a boyfriend! I feel obligated to stay with him, though, so I'm just going to keep my big mouth SHUT and not breathe a word of my true feelings to anyone. You're the only one, Ledger, so keep my secret.

A quiet evening at home with my ledger and a banana cream pie. Super-tired. I don't understand it. It's only 9:15! But I can't even keep my eyes ...

Me with my two best girlfriends, Rhonda and Karen
Fall 1974

Wednesday
September 18, 1974

I'm happy. I really, truly am!! Things are right in my world again, and even though life still isn't perfect, I feel really terrific.

Karen, Rhonda and me are friends. I feel at ease and comfortable around them, and there doesn't seem to be any more tension between us. Karen and Rhonda aren't "ganging up" and excluding me anymore.

Bible Study tonight was a riot. Karen came over early, to chat -- just like old times -- and then Phil picked us up. Good friends, fellowship, laughter, high spirits. I came home feeling great. I love Phil. Tomorrow him, me, Ryan and Lea are going to drive to Kent after school.

Thursday 9:15 p.m.
September 19, 1974

Almost time to crawl into bed. I'm so tired. Busy day today, but before I sleep a quick rundown: school was long, HOT and dull. Karen, Rhonda and me still friends. After school I walked home with Brian Hemingway, an old boyfriend from 3 yrs. ago. Phil came and picked me up at 3:30, then we went to get Ryan and Lea (his brother and sister) and we all drove to the Kent Bible Bookstore. I bought two albums (Maranatha One, and Randy Matthews, "Son of Dust"), a poster, a book and some writing paper. Love Phil. Karen excited about Roger Clark. Dad and my shorthand teacher (Ms. Milne) are getting on my nerves. BYC next week. Football game tomorrow night with Rhonda. TIRED.

Friday afternoon 4:15 p.m.
September 20, 1974

Grabbing a spare minute to write after a long, hectic day. Dad will be home any sec, and we're going to drive to Burien and get tacos for dinner. Rhonda and me are going to the football game tonight -- she's picking me up at 7:30. Neat.

Sue Wieker came over this afternoon after school, and we had a nice, long chat about everything that's been going on in my life, and then we prayed. She is a beautiful person and I'm glad I have her to talk to.

School wasn't bad ... we had our first pep assembly at 2:00. The cheerleaders did a routine to "Love Is Blue" that was pretty neat. Kar and me walked home with Brian Hemingway and Kenny Robbins. Karen is right -- Brian IS cute now! I remember when we went together, three long years ago. (Karen: "I'd die if you two got back together.") No way!

Feeling happy, at peace.

Late:

I feel so confused inside. The football game was fun (we won, 27-21), and so was going to Herfy's afterward. That's the local high school hangout, usually jammed with kids on Friday and Saturday nights.

These feelings inside me are terrible. I want to get HIGH!!! I want to go out and do something wild and reckless and fun. If only I could get my hands on some mesc or some speed ... anything. I want to be the way I was before, free and wild. Even getting drunk would be fine!! And even more than that, I want a new boyfriend, someone NEAT who will take me to keggers and get me stuff when I want it. I want to break up with Phil, find someone new and different and exciting. I feel all these things, pulsating inside of me, and I feel just awful about it. But I can't help it!! Is it Satan within me??

Maybe tomorrow morning I'll feel better. I hope.

Saturday 7 p.m.
September 21, 1974

Phil will probably come over tonight, but so far he hasn't called or anything. That's OK though. I haven't even cleaned my room or put on any makeup yet. Feeling clean and sweet-smelling from a long, hot shower. Full of pizza. Randy Matthews is rockin' on.

12:10 a.m.

I'm sure I have all my faculties intact. I've only had half a beer and it hasn't really affected me. Why does beer have to taste so sick? I don't love Phil anymore. I feel trapped with him. I don't want to get drunk, but I don't want to stay straight, either. Lord, what am I looking for??? Why do I have to feel torn in the middle?

Sunday morning 11 a.m.

I only made it through half a beer last night when I was struck by the stupidity of what I was doing. I threw the rest out my bedroom window, and then prayed for forgiveness. I can be such an idiot at times.

One fact remains, however, and that is my feelings for Phil have changed. I'm sure that I don't love him anymore, at least not as a boyfriend, and I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Last night was terrible. Dad went out to a poker party, so Phil came over to watch TV with me. I just sat there and hated every minute of it ... hated his arm around me, hated the ugly way he combed his hair, wishing like anything that I could get away from him. I guess I was pretty cold towards him. He's probably beginning to get the feeling that I want to break up. I'm not sure if that's the way I want to do it -- by dropping hints and waiting to see if he figures it out. I'm not even sure I want to break up at all! It would totally disrupt my life and his, and all the kids at church would probably think I have no feelings at all. Lord, what do I do??

9:30 p.m.
Rock Your Baby

I just don't understand myself. Tonight we had a fight ... at least, I think that's what it was. I'm not really sure. All I know is that suddenly I just couldn't stand him anymore, with all his snide comments ("Well, then you can HAVE Brian and all those other guys") and I took off. He ran across the parking lot of the church and grabbed my arm, demanding to know what was wrong. I simply shrugged him off and said, "May I go home, please, if that's all right with YOU?" I just don't love him at all, and I wanted to get far away from him.

What's going on inside my head??? Why can't I be satisfied with him?

Dad and me went and saw "Dr. Zhivago" today at the Southcenter Theater. What a fantastic movie!

Neither one of us wants to be The first to say goodbye ...

Things I've Got To Do Before 5:30 p.m.

Wash dishes
Wash & dry my hair
Clean room
Do homework

Monday afternoon
3:15 p.m.

I have a zillion things I've got to get done within the next two hours, before I leave for Basic Youth Conflicts, so actually I have no time to spare. But I HAD to sit down and jot down a couple of lines, super-fast, before I get busy. My thoughts are clearing up:

1. I DON'T like Brian.

2. I DO like Rick Abdill, sorta. Karen talked to Ben (alias "Banana") to ask if Rick has a girlfriend, and he said, "No, why?" So she told him that I wanted to know, and he said, "Why, does she like him?" Karen said "She's not sure." OH WOW. Wonder what Rick's gonna say.

By the way, fantastically good school day. Rhonda, Kar and me cracking up all day. Walked home with Brian; called Mark. Haven't given Phil much thought.

Tuesday 5 p.m.
September 24, 1974

Even more pressed for time this afternoon than I was yesterday, but I HAVE to give you the latest installment! RICK LIKES ME!!!! I'd like to write down every single fantastic glorious detail, to cherish and remember for always and forever, BUT --- not enough time, darn it. I'll write as much as I can.

Third period Choir: Ben Lensegrav came in for half an hour to sing with the Choir, and he saw me sitting there at the piano and came walking over with this HUGE smile on his face. I blushed. I was so embarrassed because I KNEW why he was smiling!! "Karen has a big mouth," I said to him, and he laughed. That sorta eased the embarrassment a little, so I asked him, "Did you tell Rick that I like him?" He said no, and I believe him. Then he said, "I didn't tell him because yesterday Karen said you weren't sure. So I didn't want to get his hopes up." I was still sorta flustered, so all I said in reply was "I'm sure!" Class started just then, and I spent most of the period watching Rick out of the corner of my eye while I played the piano. He was sitting by Doug Lumbard, as usual, and Doug kept sending me secret looks that told me he knows. I also told Cheryl (the girl who plays piano with me).

During lunch, Rhonda, Karen and me all sat out on the grass by the track, as usual, and watched the senior guy's P.E. class playing football. (Rick was out there, my heart going thump-thump- thump.) Doug Espeseth came over and sat by us for a while, and he managed to worm it out of me who I like. He's another one of Rick's friends.

After school 3 major things happened. Ben came up to Karen and asked her if I like Rick, and she said "yes." Minutes later Doug came up to her and asked the same thing, and once again she said "yes." When we three were headed out to Rhonda's car to go home, I bumped into Craig. He said, "Hey, I've gotta talk to you!" "Now?" I said, and he said "Yep." So I went over to talk to him, and he told me that RICK LIKES ME and HE WANTS TO ASK ME OUT!!!! I've been freaking out ever since!!

I can't wait for school tomorrow --- I haven't been this excited in a long time. Rick is so neat, and CUTE, and SWEET, and I hope that things work out.

Ben walked me out to the parking lot and told me that Rick's pretty shy, and that it's going to be up to me to "get acquainted." Hmmm.

Of course there's still one major prob ... PHIL.

Wednesday morning 6:35 a.m.
September 25, 1974

I couldn't sleep at all last night, thinking and dreaming about Rick. I haven't jumped out of bed so easily & quickly on a school morning in MONTHS. I'm just so excited! Every time I think about him, I feel my heart start pounding ten times faster.

Evening:

I'm so tired and worn out from another long, exciting day, but before I hit the sack I've got to unwind with a few words in my ledger.

He likes me, I'm sure of it. Karen talked to Craig after school, and Craig definitely said yes, Rick likes me. WOW!

Choir was a real fiasco. I sit in the front of the classroom (at the piano, with Cheryl) and the whole time I was all nerves. I could feel him staring at me, I swear, and it made me so nervous that I made a complete idiot of myself, missing notes and running into things and dropping books. See what he does to me?

Went to Basic Youth again tonight. Something is definitely bugging Phil ... gosh I wonder what THAT'S all about? ... he's just not the same. This is going to hurt him. G'night.

Thursday afternoon 3 p.m.
September 26, 1974

I am SO NERVOUS. Tonight is the big football game, Glacier against Highline, and Ben told me he's going to "make Rick go." I'm planning on going with Rhonda, and if he's there I'm going to feel so embarrassed!!!!

I didn't see Rick today at all. All of the seniors spent the day at Highline Community College for a college conference. Choir was rather deserted, to say the least -- half the bass section and practically the entire soprano section was gone. So we spent the period talking and listening to records. The whole day was pretty easy and slow-moving, in fact.

Now I have four hours to kill until the game, and I wish I could just calm down! How Can I Tell Him About You? (appropriate)

3:30 p.m.

Still nervous, still trying to wile the time away ... still thinking about Rick.

3:45 p.m.

HE CALLED ME!!!!!! I'm in an absolute state of SHOCK!!

Friday 3:15 p.m.
September 27, 1974

Looking forward to a long, empty, BORING weekend. No plans at all. Rick wasn't even at school today ... what a let-down. He wasn't feeling well last night at the game, maybe that's why he's absent today.

I was super-excited last night after he called me; I was running all over the house, screaming and crying and jumping up and down with joy. I went crazy! We talked for about 15 minutes.

The football game was OK. At first I didn't even think he was going to show up, but his friends and him got there about 15 minutes before the game started. He sat by me the whole time, but he didn't hold my hand or put his arm around me or anything. Oh well ... Desirae was right, he IS shy. We won, 10-6 (we played against Highline) so right now we're the current district champs. Neat!

After the game, Rick, Ben and me drove over to Herfy's, which was jam-packed with people. Rick and me just sat and talked, and I got the distinct impression that he was either very, very bored or else very, very tired. Ben drove us home -- he sat up in front with Vicki & Donna Muns, Rick and me sat in back. Again, he didn't hold my hand or anything, but by this time I wasn't expecting him to. Got home about 11:30.

This morning I was so tired that I decided to sleep a couple extra hours and skip 1st and 2nd periods. I got to school just as the bell for the end of 2nd period was ringing. In Choir I discovered that Rick was absent, which put me into a pensive, slightly depressed mood that prevailed the rest of the day.

There are so many things on my mind. Phil doesn't even know about Rick yet, and it's beginning to tear me up inside. I keep having to make excuses for not going to Basic Youth Conflicts with him, and it hurts me to lie to him. This can't go on much longer. I've got to tell him this weekend.

Phone is ringing. (It was only Dad, wondering what I want for dinner ... I asked for Chinese food.)

If Rick doesn't call I'm going to be super worried. When you're first going with a guy, you can never really be certain he likes you ... so when he's absent from school or doesn't call, it can give you an awful case of the worries.

Oh. Yesterday Phil went to the College Conference, the same thing all the seniors from our school went to, and Craig ran into him. According to Phil, Craig said "Hey there, Phil baby, I hate you." He never did forgive Phil for breaking us up last summer. Then later on, Phil walked past Craig and Rick, and Craig said, "Hey Phil, this is Terri's new boyfriend." Phil called and asked me about it, and I almost died. I lied to him -- I said I don't like Rick at all. I am such a coward. When I confronted Craig with it at the game, he just shrugged and walked away with Denise, his former girlfriend who is now his girlfriend again. Something has happened to Craig since we broke up. He used to be one of the nicest, most considerate guys in school, and now he's nothing but a smartass. I can't stand him and his new attitude. I simply do not understand him. But then again, I don't really care, either. I personally have nothing against Denise. I think she's nice, and I talked to her before class today. Rhonda is deeply hurt that Craig and Denise are back together, since she has a huge crush on Craig. She wrote me notes during History and they were still full of Craig, Craig, Craig, so I know she still cares.

I hope I'm not getting into a bad scene ... back to the drinking and the drugs and the guys and all that. Rick isn't the super-wild type, but some of his friends are. I swore I'd never go with a non- Christian guy again, but here I am. I'm almost afraid to think about God. I've been slipping in my prayer life and my devotions ... you might say that the lines of communication are down between the Lord and me, and I'm afraid to restore them. What if the Lord decides to take action and rub out all my new friends and interests and plans and happiness ...? I don't want to be depressed again!!! So I guess I'll just go on living my half and half life, being a hypocrite along with everybody else. Oh well. Shouldn't be too long before I'm getting ripped on Friday nights and dropping speed at school and all my other old "hobbies."

I just wish Rick would CALL. It's 4:15 now so I'd better go find something to do to keep me busy & keep my mind off him!

6 p.m.

I have a feeling I'm going to be writing in you a LOT this weekend, Ledger ... nothing else to do. I suddenly feel very depressed, sad and lonely, and I don't know why. Nothing terrible has happened since 4:15. I am just suddenly engulfed by a wave of sadness.

KOL-FM on the radio and an ice cold bedroom ... full of Chinese food, and wishing Rick would call me ...

The songs they're playing tonight are really getting to me. Putting me into a reflective mood. Right now they're playing "Popcorn" ... boy, does that dredge up memories!

8:15 p.m.

Well, you can relax, Terri. He called at 7:30, and although our conversation was not exactly brilliant -- it had more than its share of long, awkward pauses -- it was still good to hear his voice. He said that if anything comes up tonight, like a party or something, he'll give me a call and take me out. But it's getting kinda late now so I hope nothing does come up. I'd like to spend a nice, quiet evening at home. However. I certainly would love to be with TOMORROW night! I hope, I hope, I hope.

Saturday night 10 p.m.
September 28, 1974

I am utterly, totally confused. Do I still love Phil? I spent the whole day with him at Basic Youth, and I just don't know what to do. Rick? Phil? God?

Sunday afternoon
September 29, 1974

I just woke up, feeling groggy and headachey from too much sleep. I wish I could stay asleep for the next couple of years or so. At least when I'm asleep, I don't have to worry about Rick & Phil. I just don't know what I'm going to do. Should I break up with Phil tonight? Should I wait and see what happens with Rick tomorrow at school? What? Rick didn't call at all yesterday ... maybe he doesn't even like me at all! Believe me, future, you wouldn't want to trade places with me.

Before bed:

Quick word. I don't want to break up with Phil!!!

Monday evening 7 p.m.
September 30, 1974

Dad's night off, so I can do whatever I want, make as much noise as late as I want. Rick should be calling anytime ... if not, no biggie. Trying to clean my room -- sort of a half-hearted effort. A lot of things on my mind. Rick happened to bump into me when I was on my way to 2nd period, so he walked me to class. Doug and Craig saw us, and naturally they had to start giving him a hard time. In Choir, Cheryl (my partner) was absent, so I had to play the piano alone, knowing that Rick was watching my every move (and noticing my beet red face). Karen said that Doug asked her if I still like Rick, naturally she said "yes." I do!

Tuesday 8:30 p.m.
October 1, 1974

Hmmm. Reflective mood, tired after a long, long day. Sitting here in the living room with a blazing fire, warm and comfortably drowsy. Watching a great horror movie ("The Stranger Within"), writing a letter to Karn, a friend from Camp Firwood last summer.

This day wasn't all that great. For some reason I couldn't seem to get along with my teachers ... I even got in trouble with the vice principal. Saw Rick more than usual. I LIKE him!! He walked me to 2nd and 6th periods, and I'm beginning to piece together his schedule. (Late Arrival; English in the 400 building; Choir; P.E.; Math in room 701; Coed Business.) He's super- neat. Only prob, I never know what to say to him!

Karen dropped over tonight, we walked down to Albertsons and then I went to her house where we poured through her sister's old annuals, looking for pictures of Rick and other assorted guys.

Thursday
October 3, 1974
"Waterloo" (S.L.!!) <--- this meant "Super Loud"

HE ASKED ME TO GO TO HOMECOMING!!! I can hardly believe it!!! I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it's not a dream, that I'm wide awake and it's really happened to me -- plain, everyday, ordinary little Terri Vert. Rick, cute popular senior letterman at Glacier, the secret guy of my dreams since I first lay eyeballs on him last year, actually asked ME to Homecoming. I'm in a stupor.

We had a class officers election assembly today, and when it was over Karen, Rhonda and I went into the cafeteria to get some lunch. I was just standing there in line with them when Karen goes, "There's Rick, I see Rick. Hey, RICK!" He heard her, saw us standing there and worked his way through the crowd to where we were standing. Him and me were just talking - about the assembly, lunch, dumb trivial things like that. Then he looked at me and said, a little uncertainly, "Are you going to Homecoming?"

My heart stopped. I didn't know how to answer! Did he mean, Was I going with anyone yet (no) or Did I want to go (yes!)? So I smiled and looked at him, and with a deliberate question in my voice I said "No ...?"

He put his hand on my shoulder, buddy-buddy style, and said "Well then, you're going with me!" He was so assertive about it, it surprised me, and I laughed.

"Don't I have a choice?" I said, and he laughed and said "Nope."

I've been going crazy ever since!! What do I wear?? What do I do?? What do I say?? What if he wants me to dance ?? (I hate dancing.) A thousand billion questions pounding into my poor little overwhelmed brain ...

Before bed briefly:

I am SO TIRED ... worn out from all the excitement. He never called tonight, but Kar and me had a fun afternoon riding bikes and listening to records and looking for costumes for Homecoming Spirit Week. My mind is very full, fairly happy.

10 p.m.

Oh Ledger, I can't even sleep. Wishing I had the answers to the questions racing around in my head. Is Rick going to be shy forever? Will we ever get past this awkward stage? He hasn't even held my HAND yet.

Friday
October 4, 1974

Quick rundown of the day, before bed: saw Rick LOTS today, and my longing for him grows and grows. For instance, today he waited for me after Choir, and then after school we both went to the cross country meet. He's so sweet!

Karen and me went to a "Crazy Hat Party" at Marita Barton's tonight -- a bunch of guys (including Phil & John) dressed up as girls and crashed it.

TThe Hat Party!
Left: I'm at far left (with Marita Barton and Stephanie Lamb) ... no doubt thinking about my complicated love life
Right: Phil is second from left (in flowered dress). along with Jean Cottrell, John Riley (yellow dress), Dan Kent (black hat) and Ryan Rehberg (far right)
1974

Saturday 10 a.m.
October 5, 1974

Nervous about tonight. I couldn't even relax enough to sleep in this morning, so I got up at 7:30 and cleaned the house. This might be the night Rick makes his first move, and I'm SO NERVOUS. I'm going to go over and spend the day at Grandma's, practicing my Choir music and doing my laundry. Anything to keep my mind off the football game tonight.

5 p.m.

Closer and closer to zero hour. I am poised on the edge of a canyon, ready to jump to who- knows-what fate below ... ready to get involved with another guy, to expose my feelings, to probably get hurt again. I can see the danger signs so clearly. Going with a non-Christian guy is the dumbest thing I could be doing right now. I guess I'm not all that bright when it comes to love.

Before bed: 1:47 a.m.

I am a stupid idiot!!!!

Sunday morning
October 6, 1974

Just woke up. Definite sense of let-down and futility. Last night was a total waste ... nothing went the way it should have. I made a fool out of myself, hanging all over him like that, and he didn't reciprocate for one instant. Can you believe it??? What's the matter with me?? Does he hate me? I don't think he even likes me ... he can't be THAT shy. All my joy has vanished. I feel a big, total nothing. And my attitude last night ... oooh, I could just kick myself. I kept apologizing for everything, acting like I had no personality. I hate myself.

Before bed 9:30 p.m.

Besides being an idiot, I am also a first-class creep. I hurt Phil tonight ... the look on his face will probably haunt me forever. The worst part is that there's more to come. He definitely knows that something is wrong between us, and that I don't feel the same; but he doesn't know about Rick, although I'm sure he has his suspicions. I have to tell him about Rick. If that doesn't finish him off totally, I don't know what will.

We all went to 5:00 singing practice at the church, but the evening service afterwards was dull so we piled into Phil's car and went over to Karen's. (Me, Kar, Phil, John and Mike.) We layed on the floor listening to Bill Cosby albums and talking, and then decided to go to the store and get something to eat. When we got back to Karen's, loaded down with frozen pizzas and Cokes, she discovered she'd forgotten her house key and we were all locked out. Phil drove her back to the church so she could borrow her sister Lisa's key. While they were alone in Phil's car, Karen asked him what was wrong. He was obviously upset and he didn't say much, but he did manage to convey the fact that he's "worried and confused" about our relationship, and that he needs to talk to me "alone." Lord, what do I SAY to him?? I was gone almost all day, so I didn't talk to Rick. Oh well. Today I couldn't care less about him anyway, after the cruddy way he acted last night. But I'm sure the minute I see him at school tomorrow, I'll fall madly in love with him all over again. Oh well ... at least he's still taking me to Homecoming.

PROJECTED EXPENSES

1. Hair cut and styled, $12.00
2. Magazine subscription, $6.00
3. Etc. for Homecoming - ?
4. Pictures (retakes, reprints?) - ?

Thots: Hope Mom gives me the ten dollars she owes me for babysitting -- I NEED it!! ...

Rick probably won't wait for me tomorrow before 2nd period ... having my picture re-taken tomorrow, iccck. Please, Lord, let them turn out better than the first ones!!

11th grade photo
1974

Monday after school
October 7, 1974

Very depressed ... about Rick, naturally.

This wasn't a totally disturbing day. Nothing specific went wrong. The first day of my new diet; got my pictures re-taken during 5th period; had our annual Girls Club Assembly in the morning (zzz). Walking home after school, though, I suddenly felt this wave of depression wash over me. The only time I saw Rick all day was during Choir, and even then he didn't say a thing to me. He never talks to me. He never walks with me. He never calls me or asks me out or ANYTHING. He probably doesn't want people to even know we like each other.

I feel like crying. I just can't believe that it's nothing more than shyness that's keeping him away: there must be something wrong with me.

Tuesday 4 p.m.
October 8, 1974

If I sink any lower, I'm going to wind up in China. I feel totally dejected and lonely. Of course, Rick totally ignored me again today, which is what I expected. He made a point of not waiting for me after Choir. SHIT. What do I do now? What about Homecoming??! I imagine he'll probably come up with some phony excuse to get out of taking me to the dance. If that happens I think I'll literally fall to pieces.

I asked Denise today if she knows if he likes me. She said she doesn't know, and what's more he won't even talk to Craig and Ben, his best friends. She said that for a while the guys were really teasing him about it, and he was getting upset. According to Denise, Rick said "What do you want me to do, put signs up all over the school??" That doesn't sound too promising to me. So I decided to take the only steps I could. I took down the big sign on the inside of our locker that says "RICK," and tore off the sign on my peechee ... plus, I've decided to stay cool and take things easy. Apparently he feels he's being rushed. Boy, I really blew this one, didn't I? I just hope he gives me another chance to prove myself, and that he doesn't break our Homecoming date. Please, Lord!

Wednesday morning 8:25 a.m.
October 9, 1974

Last night was Dad's night off, and he made so much noise until 3 a.m. that I decided to skip 1st and 2nd periods this morning and sleep in a couple extra hours. Now I'm just sitting here in my room -- the house is deathly quiet -- waiting for my electric rollers to heat. On top of everything else, I woke up with what feels like the flu.

This is terrible -- this total sense of joylessness. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to anymore.

Thursday 7:45 p.m.
October 10, 1974

Last night I was so lonely and depressed after Bible Study -- I felt like I had no friends left at all, and that everyone hated me because of the way I'm treating Phil -- Karen is mad at me, Phil won't even talk to me. And on top of everything I was sure that Rick hates my guts. I walked home alone, dejected, crying out in the darkness to God.

And then came today. All the relationships are clearing up, and I'm HAPPY once more.

First, Karen was all buddy-buddy again, her usual self. No problem there. Then, Rick actually TALKED to me today!! After Choir he walked me up to the locker and talked to me for a few minutes. I'm so glad!! He's going to pick me up for the football game tomorrow night! And, Dad said Rick called me last night while I was out. How's that for a sudden rush? Big relief.

Then, tonight while I was just spending a quiet evening in my room, Phil called. It was so neat to hear his voice and to know that he still cares. We finally got to the subject of our relationship, and Rick, and he asked: "Do -- you still -- want to go with me?"

It was a painful and difficult moment ... the Moment Of Truth.

I said, "No, I don't ... but Phil, I don't want there to be a wall between us, like there was last night at church."

He said simply, "OK, we can be friends." Those were the words I've been praying to hear for two weeks.

Plus -- Rhonda and me are getting to be real close friends. After school I rode home on the bus with her, and then she got her car and we drove to Jack In The Box for hamburgers. Then we went to the cross country meet -- after that we went to her house for a while, then to mine, where we sat in my room and chatted for a couple of hours. She's so sweet. Tomorrow her and me are going to Southcenter.

Happy, tired, feeling full and complete.

Rhonda and me, sitting on top of her Corvair
Fall 1974

Friday 11:30 p.m.
October 11, 1974

Ready to crash. Still happy. Saw Rick tonight -- he's coming over tomorrow. Happy, too tired to write.

Saturday 3 a.m.
October 12, 1974

I don't exactly know what I'm still doing up at this ungodly hour, but I decided to write a word or two before I crawl into bed. Dad's out somewhere, probably a C.B. party or something. The house feels still and empty.

Rick came over tonight for six whole hours, and it was actually sorta fun. We sat on the couch and watched TV until the stations signed off for the evening. He's so funny. I just wish there was less tension between us. We still can' t seem to totally relax around each other. Maybe that will pass, in time (if we're together long enough) ... at least I hope it does. He had his arm around me tonight, and that's a step in the right direction.

I could probably be completely happy right now if it weren't for something Phil told me on the phone this evening -- Karen's mad at me again. Damn! He said she's mad about what happened last night. It wasn't MY fault. That really pisses me off.

Early Sunday morning

I just woke up from a deep, wonderful sleep filled with dreams about Rick. I really think I like him a lot, and that our relationship could grow into something neat ... I still haven't totally figured him out, but at least now I do know that he likes me, but he's just shy and inexperienced. It's just going to take some time.

The way he put his arm around me last night was really tricky. We were just sitting there on the couch, when all of a sudden he turned around to push back the draperies and look out the window. "Sounds like someone's here," he muttered. His arm was laying on top of the couch, and he sorta nonchalantly draped it around my shoulders. Sneaky, sneaky.

Before bed:

Some thoughts. I can't seem to stop thinking about him! Every song I hear on the radio brings him to mind, makes me wish I could be with him RIGHT NOW.

Karen is being a real bitch towards me again, and I'm getting sick of it. I'm through apologizing and humbling myself constantly, trying to stay on her "good side." I have Rick, I have John and Phil and Mike and Jerry for friends at church, I have Rhonda for a new best girlfriend. I'm tired of Karen pushing me around and taking advantage of me all the time ... she has half my clothes hanging in her closet, a bunch of my record albums, most of my earrings, and anything else she can get her hands on ... I'M SICK OF IT!!

Oh! My favorite song, "Everlasting Love" (Carl Carlton).

But back to Rick ... my favorite subject. My romantic little mind can't help but fantasize ... I wish he'd KISS me.

Thursday 9 p.m.
October 17, 1974

Haven't had any time to write this past week. Can you believe it: 48 short hours from now I'll be at the Homecoming Dance!?! I am nearly overcome with terror. I'm so afraid I'll do or say something awful.

My dress is just right. Grandma bought it for me on Tuesday, and I love it: navy blue with tiny red and green flowers and a white collar. Plus a new pair of shoes, a beautiful expensive white shawl, and a gold necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. But what am I gonna do with my hair???

Yesterday Rick waited for me after Choir and walked me to my locker. He said, "Is there any place special you'd like to go for dinner?" I couldn't think of any place, so I guess I sorta copped-out and said, "No, you decide." Then he looked at me and said, sort of embarrassed, "Do I have to buy you one of those ... flower things?" Meaning a corsage. And I said, "Yes!"

Nervous, nervous, nervous.

About to watch the movie "Sunshine."

Later (before bed)

This movie brings back a flood of painfully tender memories, of Clarence and of lost love and shattered dreams. It makes me want Rick -- or SOMEBODY -- even more than ever, someone I can love and care about and know feels the same about me. Right now I long for an involvement, for the security of a close and involving relationship. (You just HAD one, you big dumb idiot, with the nicest guy in the universe - Phil - and you blew him off like yesterday's newspaper.)

Dad took this photo of me before Rick picked me up for Homecoming.
(At the dance, we were too drunk to pose for pictures, so this is the only
picture I've got of that night.)
1974

4:30 a.m.
After Homecoming

Happy, happy, tired, semi-drunk ... he KISSED me, at long long last! I'm CRAZY about him! Details tomorrow. Too dizzy to write now.

Sunday
October 20, 1974

OK, now it's time for me to write out all the exciting details of the fantastic evening I had with Rick last night. I'll never, ever forget it -- it was so neat. Every time I think about it I get so excited I just want to burst. I wish I could re-live the whole thing.

I spent the whole day yesterday getting ready and psyching myself up for the dance. By the time 7:00 rolled around, I was all dressed in my new clothes, struggling with my hair, and SO NERVOUS I could barely think. When he knocked on the door I thought I was going to fall to pieces. He looked absolutely terrific -- brown plaid pants, tan corduroy jacket, yellow shirt and brown tie -- he really looked neat. We went over to Doug L.'s house first. Craig and Denise, Gail Johanssen (Doug's date), Ben Lensegrav and Becky Doremus were all there, down in the basement playing pool and listening to records and drinking. Gail was already ripped out of her mind, and everyone else was in an extremely "festive" mood. I had a full glass of sloe gin mixed with 7-Up, and half an hour later I started feeling pretty good too.

Around 8:30 we went to the dance. Both Rick and I were pretty dizzy, so we just sat there, his arm wrapped around my waist, watching the band and the strobe lights and the dancers, feeling fantastic. We didn't dance at all but we still had fun being together. We were able to talk fairly easily, because the gin loosened us up.

We left early, around 10:30, to go eat. The first restaurant we went to, The Polynesian, wouldn' t seat us because we didn't have reservations. Rick was very embarrassed. Then we drove back to Burien and went to Black Angus for steak. By the time we finished eating it was nearly 1 a.m., so we headed back to Doug's for the after-dance party. No one else was there yet, so we drove around for a while ... stopped off at A & W to get some root beer to mix with the sloe gin. (Bleccchhh...)

When we got back to Doug's, everyone was there but Gail had gotten so sick she hadn't even made it to the dance. Doug was in a bad mood because of that, and he wouldn't let anyone drink in the house, so Rick and me decided to go sit out in his car so we could finish our bottle of gin. We just sat there parked in front of Doug's house and drank the whole bottle. Half an hour later it began to hit us, and I felt really great. I reached over and put my head on his shoulder, but his car has bucket seats so we were sitting pretty far apart. The radio was situated right between us, and I said "Why don't you move the radio so I can sit next to you?" He said, "That sounds like a pretty good idea," and he dumped the radio onto the floor and I moved over next to him. I was kinda drunk, so the next hour or so is fuzzy in my memory, but I do remember that suddenly he was all over me, kissing me and hugging me and everything. Rick Abdill, shy and inexperienced?? Not hardly!! Of course it was the booze that gave him the guts, but still I enjoyed it. We were in that car so long that I lost all track of time. It was just so neat. Around 3:30 or so he fell asleep in my arms (he was snoring!) and I guess I drifted off too because the next thing I remember is Doug knocking on the steamed-up car window and saying, "God, they're really sacked-out in there." Rick sat up and rolled down the window, sort of in a sleepy/drunken stupor, and Doug said, "Hey old buddy, don't mean to wake you but I thought you might like to know it's 4:00." We left, both of us half asleep.

When I got home at 4:20, I was still half-drunk. Dad was SUPER MAD, and I almost got canned, but I managed to sweetly lie my way out of trouble ... Dad believed me and ended up apologizing for "spoiling" my big evening.

The evening was so neat. But now I'm worried. Was it just the gin?? If it was, does that mean the only time he's ever going to pay attention to me is when he's drunk? Is he going to continue to ignore me at school, only talking to me on the weekends when (IF) we go out? Am I just a one night stand?

Amusing side note: Doug Lumbard signed the *FootNotes* guestbook a year or two back. "Read your account of your homecoming date with Rick A in 74," he wrote. "Brought back a wave of memories. thank you." I felt so inspired by this exchange that I sent a message to Rick, via Classmates.com. It said:

Did I ever thank you for taking me to Homecoming in '74? It was my very first high school formal dance, and it meant a lot. :) Hope your life has turned out well. I remember you fondly.

To my surprise and delight, he answered almost immediately:

hi terri! i had a great time at homecoming to! i remember some fun times we had !!! hope things are going well for you!!! rick!

But now ... back to our story ..

Monday after school
October 21, 1974

I was right. He totally, completely, absolutely ignored me the whole day ... didn't so much as say "hi" to me. It has me a little upset, BUT - for some reason I'm in a really cheerful mood, smiling at people and everything. Makes it a little easier to get through the day. Karen's in a really great mood, too, which makes things doubly easier. Now why won't he TALK to me?? I feel like there's nothing left to look forward to, now that Homecoming has come and gone. Let-down.

Tuesday 3 p.m.
October 22, 1974

I think this whole thing is going around in circles. I feel the exact same way today that I did two weeks ago ... alone, dejected and depressed. I feel like crawling into a hole and evaporating. WHY won't he talk to me?? Am I asking too much to expect him to simply say "hi," or smile, or wave, or even LOOK at me?

School was awful. I'm sick with the flu, Rick acts like he hates me, Karen didn't walk home with me tonight. I feel like shit. I'm so stupid. I just can't seem to snap out of this depression. I like Rick so damned much, and I feel like I'm just being used. Didn't he mean anything he said on Saturday night? Is it all over, or what? All I can do is sit here in my room playing mushy love songs on the record player, staring at his pictures in the annual. I feel like