JOURNAL NO. 1
Summer 1971 - May 1972
Age 13, Eighth Grade

"Go to the dance this Friday? Are you kidding?!?!?!? I'd be a WALLFLOWER."  

 

My first 'real' journal.  At this point I'd been keeping diaries for several years already, but this was my first attempt at fullblown, thoughts-and-feelings, hidden-in-the-bottom-of-the-underwear-drawer-style journaling.   It takes me a while to get the hang of it.

 

 

Movie Review: "Ryan's Daughter"
Starring Sarah Miles, Robert Mitchum, Christopher Jones, John Mills, Trevor Howard

Beautiful cinematography ... breathtaking seascapes ... and some fine acting are combined to produce this Academy-award winning film. The story takes place against the first World War in colorful Ireland, at a time when the bitterness of war touched everyone. Rosie Ryan, portrayed by Sarah Miles, is a young village girl who marries the local schoolteacher (Robert Mitchum). Marriage is not as she had imagined it to be, and being adventurous in spirit, she takes a lover (Christopher Jones). Her lover is a much-hated British soldier, and when they are discovered the villagers begin to hate her. When an attempt at a revolution fails due to an unknown informant, the blame fall upon her. The entire village mobs her and her husband, shearing off her hair, stripping her of her clothes, and wounding her. The last scene shows Rosie and her husband leaving town. This leaves the question: does Charles leave his wife, or do they decide to start again?

I coerced my Dad into taking me to see "Ryan's Daughter" (at the new Southcenter Theater), mainly because all the cool eighth graders had gone to see it.  Then I sat there and squirmed in complete mortification during the graphic sexual scenes.  

 

Happiness Is ...

... playing Clementi without a single mistake ...
... a ragged pair of jeans ...
... a pen that doesn't skip OR a sharp pencil with an eraser ...
... lemon shampoo ...
... a canceled orthodontist appointment ...
... keeping your diary up to date ...
... reading old notes from friends (love notes are best) ...
... a new magazine ...
... a CLEAN bedroom! ...
... a baby sister ...
... a phone call from your favorite boyfriend ...
... Jesus ...
... a rainy day ...
... cheesecake and spumoni ice cream ...
... spelling your name wrong on purpose (Tari Lynne) ...
... 4:00 p.m. on Friday afternoons ...
... clean hair ...
... crying at a movie ...
... "Tregaron's Daughter" ...
... peppermint fudge ribbon ice cream cone to cheer up the blues ... 

 

Hyacinths To Feed Thy Soul

If of thy mortal goods thou art bereft
And of thy slender store two loaves alone to thee are left,
Sell one; and with the dole
Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.

 

Earlier that summer I'd received my first kiss from a boy.  It happened during a sleepover at my best friend Kim's house; her cute younger brother kissed me on their patio.  I assumed it meant we were Going Steady For Life.

August 11, 1971

I honestly just don't know what to think (about Pat). On the 21st, when I spent the night at Kim's, he acted like he really cared. I was so happy! And then the horrible night at the drive-in  ... but NOW - what should I do? I can't be positive that it was Pat who called me here at Mom's  -  but still, who else would tell Mom's boyfriend Ken that they're my 'boyfriend'? If it WAS Pat who called, that means he probably isn't mad and he wanted to invite me somewhere. But how would he get Mom's phone number, huh??

I wish he'd call back! Every time the phone rings, I jump half out of my skull! It's a good thing he's coming to my school next year.  So what if he's a year younger?  At least I'll get to see him more.

 

I was obsessed with becoming a Sunset Junior High School cheerleader.

I want to be a cheerleader.
I want to wear a black and gold sweater with a beautiful big "S" and my name on it.
I want to wear the spiffy black beret, the short black skirt, the gold socks, the black shoes.
I want to fix my hair in pigtails with little black ribbons.
I want to know all the songs and all the cheers and all the routines.
I want to jump and shout.
I want the whole seventh grade to idolize me.
I want to be known.
I want to shout encouragement to the guys that are fighting for our school's honor.
I want to share a Coke with them after the game.
I want to have the kids hold my pom poms.
I want to giggle.
I want to cry when I've missed a step.
But most of all I want to be a cheerleader ...

 

 

MY DINNER
OCTOBER 7, 1971 5:50 p.m.
(Aunt Bonnie and Elizabeth Ann were here)

Steak
Green Salad
Milk
Potatoes
Ice Cream

 

 

Fantastic Book!!  "Tregaron's Daughter" by Madeleine Brent
Try it - you'll like it!
 

 

October 22, 1971

 "... will the song of the man be the next song to go?"

That song (from an episode of "The Partridge Family"  ...  shut up) makes me ache to do something relevant and important - not something that I'll be recognized for, to gain status, fame or wealth, but something to really help the world. I need a cause. All this super-enthusiastic energy is piled up inside of me, just bursting to get out and be used. I need something to sink my teeth into ... some project that will enable me to face God on Judgment Day and say with complete and utter truth, "I stood up and was counted." I could witness, I suppose, but that's not what I mean. A definate, important cause where I come in contact with people, employing them to help me. Then I could witness, while working side by side with them. I guess I'll start tomorrow by pitching in with the Neighbors In Need program sponsored by my church, collecting food ... then I could write to some organization for info on how to start an Ecology Club.

 

"Nobody else can ever know
The part of me that can't let go
And I would give anything I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home,
Yes I would give everything I own,
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again."

~ "Everything I Own," Bread
 

 

I fell in love  --  painfully, unexpectedly, mostly unrequitedly  -- during a church youth conference in Bellingham.  The rest of eighth grade was spent trying to get the fabulous Kenny Robbins to notice me. 

November 6, 1971
Saturday

Melancholy ... sort of. That's how I feel. A week ago I was at the Conference, and now I've got nothing left but a few silly momentos  ...  now I have this weird love (futile) for Kenny Robbins, but now I've (also) found out that Tom Whidden likes me. I can remember two weeks ago I would have given my very soul if only Tom would even notice me.  And now he has, but I have nothing to give in return. I just can't feel anything for him, as much as I've tried. I'm not a hypocrite, and to feign affection is impossible for me to do.  It's Kenny that I feel for now. I can't explain it.  Ever since he became a Christian, I've seen something in him, like a magnet. He changed so drastically in just two days. I think I love him, but I've tried to suppress this kind of emotion because under the circumstances it could be pretty dangerous. After all, he probably has just as big a crush on Kathy as I have on him. Whew, what a weird situation!

November 9, 1971
4:30 p.m.

Well, I've hit my first real spiritual plateau since the Conference ... I'm down in the dumps, with a severe case of the blues, and it SHOWS. First of all, I've got a nagging cold. Secondly, I've lost my best friend, Kim. I came to a full realization of that today, when we had a fight and I saw how far apart we've grown. Thirdly, I'm tired of being a loner. I've lost practically all my friends, except a few babies who haven't quite given up on their Barbie dolls and have crushes on David Cassidy and Bobby Sherman (figuratively speaking). Fourthly, school is a complete drag. Fifthly, it's pretty obvious that Tom doesn't like me (he's avoiding me now). Sixthly, I have no hope of ever catching Kenny. Seventhly, even my "supposedly" best friends at church have dumped me. I sure must have a rotten personality - I just wish that I could step down off my High And Mighty Ego Throne and realize that. Eighthly, I'm a pretty bad Christian. Ninthly, my family is picking on me again (or am I picking on them?) Tenthly, I'm ugly. Eleventhly, I'm beginning to utterly DESPISE myself.

There, I've gone and told you some of my troubles (believe me, there's LOTZ more) and I feel a LITTLE better. At least I let off a little steam ...

I've got so much homework!!! Spanish, Math, English, etc. etc. And I'm so lousy in P.E. I'm going to make a fool out of myself on Friday, I know it, because I can't even do a handstand or a cartwheel!  Boy, I hope my kids are a little more agile than their dear old Mom!!   Well  ...  ONE of them turned out to be. 

 

Go to the dance this Friday? Are you kidding?!?!?!? I'd be a WALLFLOWER.

Song of the Wallflower

Oh! To be a wallflower,
To feel the ecstasy of never being asked to dance.
To have a permanent seat,
Because you're attached to your chair.
Oh! To feel your hairdo and your makeup (two hours in the making)
Start to slide,
To feel your hands grow clammy
And your eyes grow feverish
To fight the everlasting fight against the presence of tears,
For surely,
You don't want people to know that being a wallflower
Isn't all it's cracked up to be ...

Do you? 

November 10, 1971

Terri:

I've had it with you! You must really think your cool now, cutting me down. All I said was that I liked your hair straight, what do you do? Throw a fit!! Just like a child. 'Oh well I'm sorry,' is that your little saying now? Believe me, your lucky I'm not mad, because a lot more things could would be said if I was!!! Now I don't blame people when they say you're stuck up and snotty.

Just forget it.

P.S. I'm not sticking up for you anymore!!! (don't ask me what I mean cause I'm not telling you)

P.S.S. don't bother to write back

Your ex friend,
Kim.

 

Nov. 11, 1971

Terri,

I'm sorry, please forgive me. I really mean it. It's just that I was in a bad mood yesterday.

Friends?

Kim (Me) 

The Lord is so fantastic!!! Just last night I was praying to Him, after Bible Study class at the Church. I was upset about the note Kim had sent me, really upset, and I needed a shoulder to cry on. I said, "What should I do, Lord?" and all of a sudden He told me to go look at my calendar. For every day it has a memory verse, and the verse for the 10th said "Ps. 2:12 - Blessed are all they who put their trust in the Lord ." So I prayed again, and this time I said "Lord, I put my full trust in your will." The first thing this morning, Kim came running up to me, and gave me the second note. I trusted the Lord, and He didn't fail me! 

 

At age fourteen, my love life was already ridiculously complicated. 

November 15, 1971
Monday 4:30

Boy, am I mixed up. Tom (for sure) likes me. The way he acted at the dance Friday proved that. But the thing is, I (only like him as) a friend. Oh sure, I USED to really like him as more than that  - he's cute, sweet and funny, and I can't understand why on earth I can't seem to muster any real feeling for him. I suppose God just doesn't think he's Mr. Right For Me, and He's trying to explain that to me.

As for Kenny ... I still have that lingering, inexplicable feeling for him. If only Kenny would just like me, it would solve everything, except then I would have to hurt Tom. But if Kenny doesn't like me, then he's hurting me , and I would still have to hurt Tom. Either way ..

Also, about my hair: Mom has offered to take me to the beauty parlor and have my hair cut in a curly shag, for my birthday. I'd love to, but everybody (Grandma, Kim, Cynthia, etc.) acts like it would be the end of the world if I did. I know I shouldn't let them influence me, but they've put doubts into my mind. What to do? 

Tuesday
November 16, 1971 5:30

Well, Miss Popularity, you really think you're something don't you? Now you don't have Tom OR Kenny. Tom and I had a fight. I don't want to go into the details, so all I'll say is that we're now OFF speaking terms. It's mostly my fault, as usual. I really want to make up ... I think I've really hurt him, but he is completely ignoring me.

Today: I DON'T want my hair cut.

Hello, future, from "the Dark Ages" (Ha ha). Just remember, you're as far away from me as I am from you!

Hello! 

 

Why does Rhonda Kozlowski hate me??? 

November 20, 1971
9:30 a.m.

Boy, am I mad, but somehow I've got to manage to keep my cool & maturity (what little I've got). The thing is, I DESERVE this punishment, because I've done something I shouldn't have, but even that knowledge doesn't make the punishment any more bearable. I can only pray that one of Grandma's formerly "annoying weaknesses" - the inability to make a punishment stick - will come to my aid now. She is making me SO SICK, but the damned truth of it is it's my fault. I suppose that now, all because of me, she'll regress and start treating (my brother and I) like infants again. One minute she acts almost human, the next ... heil Hitler.

(Remember the pizza?)

I think this was the night that Grandma & Grandpa went out for the evening, leaving my younger brother and I home without a babysitter for one of the first times ever.  While they were gone, Dick rode his bike to the grocery store and bought us a frozen pizza for a snack, thereby breaking not one but THREE of Grandma's Commandments:  1.) Thou shalt not leave the house after dark,  2.) Thou shalt not turn on the oven without supervision, and 3.) Thou shalt not eat trendy junk food, even if every other kid on the face of the planet is allowed to eat it.   We were busted when Grandma found the empty pizza box in the garbage.  (We weren't exactly master criminals, OK?)  I should mention that Grandma was very sick by this time, and her various illnesses and medications were making her cranky. Throw that together with my own adolescent contrariness, and our household was not an especially pleasant place to be, a lot of the time.

Today: I DO want my hair cut. 

November 24, 1971

I've never felt so cruel in my whole life. As though Tom didn't have enough problems already, today I told him that I only like him as a friend. And then I saw him crying when he didn't think anybody saw him. But I can't help it ... feelings change, and that's just the way it is. Now I know how Brian felt.

Today: I DON'T want my hair cut. 

November 26, 1971

Well, that's it. Mom's made an appointment for December 4 (a Saturday) to get my hair cut. 

Sunday 7:15 p.m.
November 28, 1971 

Happy, happy. Saw Kenny at choir practice tonight - he really got to me. Boy, am I hooked!

I don't want to go to school tomorrow ... it's too boring. I wish something really EXCITING would happen to spice up my life a little bit.

My favorite songs are:

"American Pie" - Don McLean
"Day After Day" - Badfinger
"I Remember When" - The Osmonds
"Don't Do No Good To Cry " - The Poppy Family 

December 3, 1971

Well, tomorrow is D-day. I am SO MIXED UP. To cut or not to cut (my hair) - that is the question. 

Saturday
December 4, 1971 about 9:00 A.M.

This is it. In six hours it will either be over and done with, or it will not been done at all. Here I sit in my bed, with the cold drizzling rain coming down, with no idea of what the future holds in store for me. Lucky girl, reading this tonight: at least you don't have to worry like this anymore. This is the climax of what's been mounting for days. I'm not sure whether or not it's too late to change my mind - if it isn't, well, I'll probably end up ducking out (or at least giving it a try) - but if it is too late, I'm stuck with come-what-may. After this day is over, I can't come back and undo what's been done, and vice versa. It will be REALLY too late to do anything anymore. That's what scares me.

(Oh for Pete's sake, we're talking about a HAIRCUT here, not a kidney transplant ...)

You see, I'd be willing to get my hair cut in a cute shag for a number of reasons. 1.) They're popular 2.) I think that I would look good in one 3.) I'd like a change from long, straight hair 4.) They're easy (I hope) to take care of 5.) I could probably grow it back if I didn't like it. BUT - I am so dumb on the subject. I've never had to really take care of my hair - setting, styling, etc. - and now, if I get it cut, I'm slated, COMMITTED to it. There will be no way out. I know it's impossible, but I really wish that I could "try on" this hairstyle for a trial run ... to see how it looks, how my friends like it, etc. - and then, if I didn't like it, it would grow back. Well, I can dream, can't I?

Another thing - what on earth are my friends going to say? Especially Tom, Kenny, Kim, Sandy ... that really matters to me. If it is badly cut, I'll never live it down. Their opinions really mean a lot to me.

Well, ten hours from now will I be singing (to the world): "You were absolutely right You've been right all along You're absolutely right And I was wrong." Or will I, happy and excited, shout out: "Bye, bye Miss American Pie, Drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry And good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and rye ..." (That doesn't make any sense, but when you're happy you say crazy things.)

THE "HAIRY QUESTION" QUIZ

1. What time did Mom come? 12:30

2. How did I feel? Scared!!!!!!

3. Did we talk about it? Yeah, a little bit

4. DID I GET IT CUT? Yes

5. DO I LIKE IT? Sort of

 

7:30 p.m.

That last question really wasn't fair. When I first got out of the salon, I thought I was going to die. Lydia, the gal that did my hair, had teased it and sprayed it so much that I looked like a real goon, and I HATED it. Now, though, it's come down a lot and I LOVE it!! It's so light, and bouncy, and cute. I can wear it so many ways. 

December 7, 1971

My hair is just fine, BUT - if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't cut it. 

December 15, 1971
5:00 p.m.

In 1/2 an hour, I will be exactly 14 years old - feels weird saying it. The year of age 13 has been pretty good, filled with a lot of firsts, (and) a lot of lasts. It was the year of my braces, getting my hair cut, my first kiss, etc. The year just zipped by, really. 

December 16, 1971
4:00 p.m.

I've got weird news - I couldn't believe it myself - I like Tom again!

NO HOMEWORK TONIGHT!!!!!! 12 whole days of Christmas vacation!!! Yipeee! School is a BORE, especially 4th period math (Mr. Kemp)

"It Don't Come Easy" - Ringo Starr

"JESUS CHRIST, SUPERSTAR" ! 

December 17, 1971
11:30 p.m.

Pam: "Hey Kenny, do you like Terri?"
Kenny: "Yeah."
Pam: "As a friend?"
Kenny: "No, as more than a friend."
Pam: "Really?"
Kenny: "Yeah, but I wish I could see her more often than once a week ..."

Can I believe what my ears are telling me? Can I believe what Pam told me? Can I believe my racing pulse, my throbbing heart, my dizzy brain? Could it be? ... dare I hope? is there a chance????

I LOVE him, love love love love him. Has he, perchance, taken a step in my direction? Hope so, hope so. Thank you Lord for a wonderful evening ...

December 18, 1971
The next morning:

I swear, I dreamt about him all night.

Last night was one of the grooviest nights in my whole life. Our church group went skating (roller) out in Auburn, and Kenny was there. Karen was too - she kept insisting that Kenny still loves her, but it was pretty obvious that he doesn't. (Later Pam asked him - first he said that he hates her, and then later on he said "As a friend I guess.") Anyway, I was in top form, looking good (despite a big ol' quarrel with Doug Mattson, who likes me but I only like him as a friend.) Kenny kept talking to me - once he came up and hit me (love tap?) with a big grin on his face, another time he skated up behind me and put his arms around my waist real fast, sating "gotcha." He smiled at me, talked to me, gave me part of his Coke.

Coming home, Karen sat down next to him (on the bus), but due to some clever scheming Pam & I gave him a chance to move while we got Karen out of the way, talking to us. So, he ended up directly across the aisle from me. We sat there, so close together, his legs around mine (he tied knots in my shoelaces), talking.

I kept the knots in my shoelaces until I outgrow that pair of wafflestompers.  Ahh, young love. 

I'm In Love
by Me

I'm in love again
(Rain, aluminum skies 
You can't touch me anymore)
I'm in love again.
Oh MR. Cupid,
Have you come calling,
Leaving your calling card?

Gack. 

Tuesday
December 21, 1971 

Tom still likes me, he really does. Somehow a rumor went around school that I hated him (not true, not true!) and he heard it. Wow, was he hurt. But I just don't know what to do. I really dig Kenny, but I like Tom too. (Kenny first.) But I still am not sure whether or not Kenny likes me yet. A bird in the hand?
 

"Lonely feeling
Deep inside
Find a corner
Where I can hide
Silent footsteps
Crowding me
Sudden darkness
But I can see ..."

~ "No Sugar Tonight," The Guess Who 

Wednesday morning
December 22, 1972

(Kenny) doesn't like me. At least, that's how he acted last night when we went Christmas caroling. Oh sure, he was "nice" to me, and talked with me, but the all-mighty Kathy Nelson was there too, and why should he like lowly little old me when he has her around? I just don't get it. The Lord can see how earnestly I love (Kenny), but still my love isn't returned. I've tried everything - I've even had a friend pray for me (I've prayed too). So why? It just isn't fair. Everything is going wrong nowadays, if he would just like me as a girlfriend it would make up for all the bad things. I'm crying ... I love him so much. Why? Why ... ?

Rain, aluminum skies once more
My empty soul is exposed
Penetrate me with your coldness
And let me die.

Gack redux.

 

Christmas Gift List Ideas 1971

Dick - "Aggravation" game
Dad - Flashlight & batteries
Mom - Scented candle
Grandma V. - Dish towel (what a dumb gift!)
Grandma S. - Guest soaps
Debby - Pantsuit
Aunt Bonnie - Bubble bath
Elizabeth - Pantsuit & squeaky doll
Uncle Jerry - cookies
Jody - don't know yet
Kim - stuffed dog
Sandy - perfume & pin
Les - Slinky

My Gifts this year:

From Dick - Cat Stevens album ("Teaser & The Fire Cat")
From Dad - record player
Mom - Brown & white sweater, lip gloss
Grandma S. - Vest, stationery
G & G Vert - Air brush
Aunt Bonnie - white crocheted sweater
Uncle Jerry - yellow sweater, belt, rust colored skirt
Kim - candle
Sandy - stationery

 

 

Christmas Eve 1971
I'm keeping my mouth shut to hide the new braces
Age 14

 

Monday
January 19, 1972

I've neglected you, Ledger, haven't I? Sorry ... but I have such good news - my heart is just spilling out all over the place, I'm so happy.

First of all, I should be at school today, but I have an orthodontist appt. for 12:00 and just decided to play it lazy and stay home all day. I hate Monday anyway ... trudging back to start another dreary week of preterite tense verbs, Pythagorean triangles and peanut butter sandwiches.  When the alarm rings in the morning, shattering my cozy little cocoon of a dream and dragging me with it into a cold, dark, sleepy world, I wish there wasn't any such thing as school.

Well, what I wanted to tell you about was my life right now. I'm just barely managing to hang onto the outskirts of the so-called ‘in group'  ...  not that I especially WANT to be numbered among their exclusive ranks, but because I want to belong somewhere. Sometimes I think Kim doesn't realize I'm alive ... she probably thinks I've retired or something. She's off in the superior company of Denise or Naomi or Kim H., so I'll just let her be. I guess she's happier where she is.

Anyway, don't think that I am entirely friendless - that's not the case. I have plenty of friends.

He likes me!!! (Kenny, that is.) During this past week I had sort of given up on him. I even had myself convinced that I liked this really nice new guy at our church, Doug Lombard. And really, for a short while there, Doug really did sort of turn me on, with all this enthusiasm for the Lord and his Greek god face, but I know now that he was merely a temporary diversion to get my thoughts off Kenny for a while, and cool off. Now, though, I'm just as charged over Kenny as ever. See, I was sitting at choir last night, on a hard wooden bench in the front row. Kim (Gilbert) was on my left, and sitting beside her were Kenny and Doug, in that order. I was concentrating on Doug - you know, trying to convince myself that I was madly in love with him. I was watching him out of the corner of my eye, when suddenly I felt a pair of big brown eyes watching me. I knew, without looking, that Kenny was watching me. "Don't LOOK at him!" I muttered within myself. I had just realized, without really wanting to, that all this excitement about Doug was a self-created ruse, and that if I looked at Kenny I might find myself falling for him again. After all, it was those eyes (and what radiated from them) that attracted me in the first place. But I did look, and naturally I fell for him all over again. (Doug who??) Kenny was sort of cool and semi-distant most of the evening and during the evening service. Somehow I knew he was making a last, desperate try to win Kathy, even though his efforts were futile. Kathy is definately going with someone else now.

It was after the service that things really got rolling. Most of the people went home, so it was just Kenny, (my brother) Dick and me fooling around. We stayed 45 extra minutes. He acted like he cared ... he said silly things, he brushed his hands on my cheeks or arms ("by accident," ha ha), he playfully pushed me around. We played catch, we pretend-argued. I still love him, and I guess I always will. 

Sunday
January 16, 1972 

Morning, sitting in my bed.

Last night our church group went to a Sonics basketball game. I hung around Laura Fisher most of the night, and Kenny sat in front of us. I watched him a lot, just kind of mooning over him. He was pretty quiet except he talked to all the girls who sat by him. Laura asked him if it was true that he had actually kissed Karen & told her he loved her last year.  He DID!  Oh, how horrible. I just don't get it. Kathy managed to get his attention. So did Karen. So did Laura, for a while. Why doesn't he want me ? He'll act like he cares, like he did last Sunday night, and then he'll turn right around and ignore me. Is there something wrong with me? I just don't know ...

Well, I'll see him tonight at choir, at least. Then I'll know, maybe. 

Monday
January 17, 1972
5:30 at night

I am so super nervous, I can barely manage to hang onto my seat. My heart is pounding, my eyes are feverish, my pulse is racing, my skin is cold. I feel like I could die. I'm sitting on the floor of my closet, with the door closed, leaning against some old cartons of books. It's like my own little world in here, and I love it, except for one thing - it's so cold in here! I really shouldn't mind though, I guess, because all this cold air helps me experience my emotions more acutely. Weird.

What I wanted to relate, though, were the happenings of the past 24 hours.

Last night Kenny was at choir, as usual. I looked really AWFUL - too much goop on my eyes, baggy jeans, my hair all wild, flushed, glassy eyes. I looked like a witch, or worse. Anyway, after the service, Karen talked to Kenny about me (I asked her to). Here, to some extent, is how the conversation went:

Karen: "Hey Kenny, Terri likes you."
Kenny: (sort of exasperated) "Yeah, I know."
Karen: "Do you like her?"
Kenny: "Well ... as a good friend. Maybe more, maybe less - I don't know."
Karen: "Do you like somebody else?"
Kenny: "There's this girl at my school, and well, see, tomorrow I'm going to find out if she likes me."
Karen: "What's her name?"
Kenny: "Ramona."
Karen: "What if she doesn't like you?"
Kenny: "Then I'll probably like Terri."

I have mixed feelings about this whole thing. Normally I would absolutely jump at the chance to be Kenny's girlfriend, but in all my prayers and dreams, I never wanted it like this. I mean, well  ... second hand? Besides, if this Ramona kid is a normal, red-blooded American girl, she'll probably like Kenny. Then won't that be sweet -- "Kenny and Ramona." So, deep down inside of me, I know I haven't got a chance. But I still sort of wish Kenny would like me for what I am, instead of simply because I'm the only girl left. I feel like a piece of merchandise.

Oh wow, I'm really mixed up.

Karen is going to call him tonight and find out how things went with his darling Ramona. I'm scared stiff. What if the answer is no, he doesn't like me? I'll die, I'll simply die. I'm just going to stop being as "friendly" around him as I have been, following him around, talking to him, etc. I'm not going to IGNORE him, exactly, just be a little more reserved. I've got to learn to stop throwing myself at his feet, as much as I love him. Any time now Karen should be calling me ... 

Tuesday
January 18, 1972

She didn't call, but she talked to him. He says he doesn't know if Ramona likes him or not. 

Wednesday night
January 19, 1972

He ignored me completely at church tonight, but was watching me. 

Friday evening about 5:30
January 21, 1972

Tonight I'm going swimming with the church. I hope that Kenny shows up ... I've just got to see him. He's always on my mind.

  

ANNOUNCEMENT

My mother, Karen Mae Torgrimson St. John Vert Hansen Smith (ha!)
wed her fourth husband,
Kenneth Beeson,
on the night of January 14, 1972.

 

Mom & Ken on their wedding day

 

 

 

Later 9:30 p.m.

O.K., now try & get this: after totally IGNORING me on Wednesday night, tonight at our swimming party he a bundle of luv. ??????

We went to Red Shield Pool. I practically died when I found out the girls had to wear swimming caps - I look terrible in them, like a bald eagle with ears - and I almost refused to swim. I'm glad I wasn't so self-conscious. I fixed (the swim cap) pretty good, so that it didn't look too rotten, and then forgot about it.

At first, I just dived a lot. Then I played around in the shallow area - that's where the action was! Kenny and Jim ganged up on me and dunked me, over and over again. Every once in a while Kenny would dunk me by himself. He acted like he cared (again). It may sound dumb, but he acted like he was taking every opportunity to touch me. The feel of his arms around me ... I could have flown.

I love him, I just DO.

Maybe Ramona doesn't like him!!!! (hope, hope) Anyway, he sure didn't act like a guy with another steady girlfriend! 

Saturday morning
January 22, 1972
In my bed 9:18

It's so easy to think now, at this quiet hour in the morning.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly about myself, my future, where I'm going. Sometimes I wonder about time. It may sound dumb, but I think that time is made up of thousands of different stages, and all of these stages are alive right now. Weird, huh? 

Afternoon, 5:00

Weird mood ... snuggled up in my nice little bedroom, safe from the cold outdoors. Beethoven on the record player - Opus 1, No. 3 Trio in C minor for piano, violin and cello - the second selection, "Andante cantabile con variazioni."  Lovely. Scents of stew for dinner floating up from the kitchen.  A big pile of new library books.  A semi-neat bedroom. Dirty hair. Church tomorrow.  A ski retreat coming up next month.  A haven.  I didn't know it, but these were the final moments of my childhood. 

January 23, 1972
Sunday night, 10 minutes to nine

Went to choir and evening service tonight, but Kenny wasn't there. What a waste. Karen called him - he said he didn't want to go because he "forgot." Some excuse.

Also, he remarked that he didn't know if Ramona likes him yet or not. So - I'm still on his "list." How thrilling.

 

 

Kenny's Love List 1/72

1. Ramona  ...  Wonderful, sexy, exciting Ramona -
gorgeous, lovely, fascinating -
RAMONA -n- KEN
Nice, sweet, COOL RAMONA !!!!!

2. Terri - a "good friend," in case Ramona doesn't like him.

 

  

Thursday, 4:00
January 27, 1972 

I feel like I'm trapped inside a cage ... my whole world is closing in on me, fast. Things are going from bad to worse.

Ramona likes Kenny. What more can I say? I don't have any hope left at all. Karen told me today. I feel like my life is going down the drain. I've lost Kenny, I've lost my best friend Kim. I'm at the very bottom of the social wheel. My grades are dropping. My family life is getting worse.

Something is definately wrong with my grandmother. She acts like she's got a monkey on her back. No, make that a GORILLA. She has one king-size-super-deluxe hangup on something, that's for sure, and Dick and I are her main targets. 

 

I wish I had a hideaway
Where no one else could find me
I'd sing my songs and dream my dreams
With nothing to remind me-o
Of the world outside
The cruel cruel world
Of bitter words and pain-o,
But in my land of happiness
Far from the chilling rain-o,
Far from the chilling rain-o.

Oh I'd be there and you'd be there
Together we'd discover
That love and happiness are found
By being with each other! 
Far ... from ... the ...
World outside
The cruel cruel world
Of greediness and sorrow
But in our land of happy times
There'd always be tomorrow,
There'd always be tomorrow.

I wish I had a hideaway
Where no one else could find me -
And all my troubles, woes and fears
I'd gladly leave behind me ... in ...
The world outside
The cruel cruel world
Of bitter words and pain-o
But in my land of happy times
Far from the chilling rain-o
Far from the chilling rain-o.

~ By Me

 

 

My idea for a great book someday:

The Wise, Profound and Sometimes Profane Sayings
of Viola M. Vert
Compiled & edited by Terri V.

 

 

My Grades, 8th Grade, Semester 1
Spanish - A!
P.E. - A!!!! (Shock!)
English - A
Math - C
History - A!
Home Ec - B

 
 

January 30, 1972
2:00 p.m.

I feel very depressed, for no reason at all. Everything looks bleak. I have no energy. School tomorrow - ugh.

Later:

I still feel down in the dumps. Part of me wants to go to choir tonight, but the other part of me says I shouldn't.
 

 

February 2, 1972

Ten minutes ago I was so mad and full of hate, I just wanted to lash out and yell and hurt anybody in sight. Especially my grandmother. Lord, I hated her! But now I'm just filled with this calm, beautiful love and peace. I achieved it with my music ... I played "Atlantis," and after that everything was OK.

"Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast" ... Praise the Lord!
 

 

February 3, 1972

I hate this horrible "time of the month," it's so inconvenient.

More and more I've been thinking about going back to Tom. Especially now, when I've lost Kenny permanently. Why? For several reasons. He still likes me. I don't want to be alone. He's cute.

I might!

February 5, 1972

My world narrowly came to a screeching halt in the middle of the night last night: Grandma had a heart attack.

I went to the Nicky Cruz Crusade last night with my youth group, and we got back about 11:00. I was all excited because Kenny had told Karen that Ramona didn't like him, and that he only liked her as a friend ("If she doesn't like me, I guess I'll like Terri"). Anyway, when I went home, Grandma was in bed. I peeked in on her as she slept, and I remember thinking how old and tired she looked. I went to bed then, and as I lay there, quietly listening to my radio, suddenly there was noise downstairs. I could hear Grandma talking in a pained, high pitched voice, and though I couldn't make out what she was saying, I sensed trouble. Grandpa was moving around, running water, etc., and he slammed my door shut. I was scared. A while later I distinctly heard Grandma say, "Paul, call Terri." He did, and in a flash I was downstairs.

During the next fifteen minutes I helped my frantic grandfather look up Dr. Smith in the telephone directory. We called him. Apparently Grandma was having severe chest pains. She called me into the bedroom a couple of times, just to be with her. I was practically in shock inside, but I managed to keep up a calm exterior. I kept pinching myself to see is this was some kind of ghoulish nightmare. I was thinking, "It's happening, it's finally happening."

The doctor asked if she had taken her nitro tablet. She had. He said that if the pains continued, that she should take another one in fifteen minutes. In a half hour, if she still wasn't better, we were to take her to the hospital. It was about midnight. Grandpa looked at me and said "You'd better go to bed - there's nothing you can do." I went, gladly, but I was positive that I wouldn't be able to sleep.

Before I went to bed I went to my brother's bedroom and shook him gently. He awoke, and I blurted out thoughtlessly "Dick, Grandma's dying." "What?!" he cried, and I quickly took back my words. I told him that she had had a mild heart attack, and what the doctor had said.

I slept for two hours. When I awoke, people were rustling around downstairs. I heard strange men's voices, and the rustling of plastic. I got up and began to pace. Outside, the lights of the ambulance were flashing. Dick was awake I guess - I really can't remember. I had just reached for this ledger and a pen when somebody opened my door downstairs and fumbled at my broken light switch. I made a dash for my bed. It was Marian, our next door neighbor.

"Terri," she said, and when I answered, she said "I want you to come with me to go get your Aunt Bonnie." I was in real shock. 

"All right," I said. 

After saying a couple of words to Dick, I jumped into the nearest clothes I could find - my jeans, my underwear, and the good blouse that I had worn to the Nicky Cruz Crusade. I had it on inside out, but I was too distraught to notice. I put on my boots without any socks, grabbed my coat and ran downstairs.

Everybody was gone - I hadn't even heard the ambulance leave. The whole time, I was praying. Marian had gone next door to get the car, and while I waited for her to pick me up I reflected quietly on how still and empty the house seemed. On impulse, I went to Grandma's bed and felt the sheets. They were still warm from where she had laid. Marian parked in front of the house. It was raining; I shivered in the cold. Sliding into the front seat I was frozen and scared. It seemed like an endless drive. (Marian) tried to make conversation by saying something like, "The roads are still slushy." I grunted in reply, but I was content to merely sit in a daze and watch the supermarkets and houses and trees speed by. I remember reading the words "Banquet Frozen Dinners" on the sign outside of Albertsons and thinking, "I've got to remember that." All sorts of things were spinning through my mind ... the ski trip, and what would I wear to (Grandma's) funeral ... that's how messed up my brain was.

We passed right by Aunt Bonnie's apartment building, and had to turn around and go back. There weren't any parking spaces so we just left the car in the middle of the lot, overlooking the swimming pool. As I walked solemnly to her apartment, I looked at the pool and remembered the happy days I had spent there last summer. How I longed to go back in time! We pushed her doorbell. Inside, the baby (my cousin, Elizabeth Ann) started to cry and the dog started yapping, but there was no answer. Finally, Marian knocked and said, "Bonnie, this is Marian and Terri." Immediately she opened the door. Marian explained why we were there, and for a moment Aunt Bonnie looked like she was going to faint. But immediately she perked up. I got the hunch that she and Marian were trying to act cheerful because of my presence.

Aunt Bonnie packed a few things, got the baby, and in a few minutes we were on our way home. Once more Marian gave her line about "The roads are still slushy." In the back seat I smiled wryly and thought, "Now she has a more receptive audience."

Once we got back to our house, I entertained the wide-awake baby while they called the hospital. They decided to both go to the hospital and pick up Grandpa, who had ridden over to White Center Hospital with the ambulance. They left. I attempted to put the baby to bed with me, but she kicked and gurgled and pulled my hair, so we went downstairs to play for a while. After a while Aunt Bonnie and Grandpa came back, and I went to bed.

At this date (Monday) she's still in the hospital, under observation, but from what I gather she's been doing pretty OK. 

And now back to what REALLY matters in life  ...

Tuesday 6:00 p.m.
February 8, 1972

I can't wait until the (church) retreat!  Imagine ... at least 52 solid hours near Kenny.  Heaven. 

February 10, 1972
Thursday 3:45 afternoon

24 hours from now I'll be at the church, on my way to the retreat. At this point I'm starting to feel those butterflies.

I'm worried about my hair. I washed it yesterday, and already it's starting to look yuck-y. Good thing I packed my dry shampoo ... I'm really going to need it! I didn't set my hair yesterday ... I wanted to see if it could hold its own. Apparently it can't. It's straight as a board, no wave, no body, no bounce. I guess I'll have to set it on electric rollers and pray for good results. After 6 hours of school, though, by the time we leave it'll probably be yucky again. Oh well. I'll cross my fingers. I really do want to look nice.

24 hours. How will I last till then? I won't. MY HAIR LOOKS CRUMMY!!!!!! 

Report on 2/11-13/72 Ski Retreat
To be filled out any time after 7 p.m., 2/13/72

I, Terri Vert, thought this trip was terrible and I had a bad time. The best part was: going over there (!!!!), and the worst part was: Saturday night & that crummy note I wrote. I would like to relive this trip to do things differently. Kenny acted very: 1. Sweet 2. Aloof, and he 1. did 2. didn't act like he likes me. All in all, I had: heartbreak!

Signed, Terri V.

L.L.: At this point, I feel only great sorrow and anger at myself for not handling things differently. 

February 13, 1972
7:00 p.m.

It's funny how you think you know a person and suddenly you find out how wrong you were.

Actually, it isn't funny ... it's cruel, and it hurts.

For four months I've been living under the misconception that Kenny was some sort of God. I practically worshipped him ... he invaded my dreams, my thoughts. I wrote his name over and over again. I counted the days until I could go to church or choir or Bible Study and see him. I imagined all sorts of romantic situations, with me always saying and doing the right things to capture his heart.

I loved him.

To write "loved," in the past tense like that, is so painful and so hard it makes me want to cry, because I know deep inside I still do love him. But no matter how hard I try, things will never be the same again as they were. And it's MY fault. He liked me, Ledger. He told Kathy so during the ride over. He talked to me. We layed together on the floor (of the bus) for at least half an hour. He sat beside me. I should have been in ecstasy. Instead, I was withdrawn, quiet, pensive. I didn't talk hardly at all: I just sat and thought, feeling awkward and tongue-tied. And that turned him off, just like it turned off Brian. I was a drag.

Then I wrote Kathy this really dumb letter, about how much Kenny means to me and all this bunk, and she SHOWED it to him. That letter represented my innermost feelings, my very soul. I was exposing a very personal, delicate side of me.

And he laughed.

Will I ever love again? Will I ever find somebody who understands me and loves me for what I am?

I have found such a person ... Jesus Christ. He loves me for what I am inside of me, and He always will. He will never forsake me, even in my times of deepest sorrow and depression, for His love is so steadfast and so perfect that I am lost in it forever. He cannot fail; and He will not allow me to sink. Even though I may be forsaken by all on this earth, and trampled into the dust, He will pick me up. He will soothe my broken heart and kiss my brow, and the turmoil inside of me will cease. I can my find my refuge in the Lord, forever and ever, Amen!

I, Major Anthony Nelson, do admit that I was seen floating in my living room by Admiral Alfred Bellows

February 14, 1972 

Sadness.

My Future Children (I hope!)

Girl Names:  Denna Jeanne,  Heather Leigh, Denise Marie 

Boy Names: Ryan Alexander, Christopher Allan, Patrick Kenneth

I want 3 children, 2 girls and a boy. For example: 1. Denna Jeanne, 6 yrs. old 2. Ronna Leigh, 4 yrs. old 3. Ryan Alexander, 1 yrs. old

I was almost completely dead-on here, wasn't I?  (With genders, birth order and age ranges, I mean.)  

February 15, 1972 

Still sad.

I am hungry for some nice, hot toast with butter and grape jelly. Yum!

My favorite foods:

• Baked potatoes with butter, sour cream, onion & bacon bits
• Hot pepperoni pizza
• Barbecued spareribs
• Chocolate mint ice cream
• Roast beef, potatoes and brown gravy
• Prunes & dumplings
• Boston cream pie
• Cheesecake
• Spicy chili dogs

Bette Davis: "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

February 18, 1972
Friday 7:00

One week ago right now ... 

...  oh, KNOCK IT OFF, TERRI!!!! You're going to make yourself sick by reliving those memories.

Yes we all know it's better
Yesterday has passed
Now let's all start living
For the one that's going to last.
Don't you feel the day is coming
That will stay and remain
When your children see the answers
That you saw the same;
When we shake off the ancient
The ancient chains of our tomb
We will all be born again
Of the eternal womb.

~ Cat Stevens, "Yesterday Is Dead"

Do you notice that these days, since I've lost my true love, I do more scribble-scribbling and less serious writing?

STILL WATERS run DEEP.  That's me. On the outside I'm a quiet nothing. Too bad they can't see my "deep" insides.

Disillusionment.

Freezone is for corns

Miramani Kirk, rest in peace.

"YUCK FOO!" (quoted from Regina H. & Denise LeC.)

February 29, 1972 (leap year!!)
About 4:00

It's been a little while since I wrote in you, Ledger, I know, and I'm sorry - but ever since that horrible retreat and my shattered heart (‘sob sob') I've found it hard to do much of anything.

I haven't seen Kenny for a long, long time, and frankly I don't care. I'm pretty sure that I've gotten over him, even though I haven't found anybody "special" yet. He is just something that has past, and I've gradually gotten over him. I was pretty hurt, that's for sure, but I've come to realize that this has happened before, and that in each situation I've managed to mend my broken heart and find somebody new. So why should this time be any different?

Tom (unfortunately) still likes me, even though 2 people have told him I don't like him, except as a friend. (Boy was he mad!!!) But now, get this - he asked his best friend, Tim, to ask me to go to the dance with him for him. That is just too much!!!! I said (when Tim asked me) "You've got to be kidding ... why doesn't he just ask me himself?" 

He goes, "Well, he asked me to ask you." 

I didn't know what to say!  Penny was standing there, and she goes, "She hates Tom!" 

"I do not!" I said. "I just ... well ..." 

"Then why don't you go to the dance with him?" said Tim coaxingly. 

"Oh I'm sure, so he can sit there and ignore me," I said sarcastically. What could I do? 

March 1, 1972
9:05 at night

Whew, what a day!

1. Doug Mattson was sweet all day long (that's who I like now - he called me last night) but of course he flirts with all the girls. He got a hold of some of my old 6th grade summer camp pictures (I look like an absolute queer!) via Lynne Bosckis (the rat) and he teased me about them.

2. Tracy Clairmont, some kid at school that I've known since forever but never paid much attention to, likes me now (at least that's what Pam says). 

3. I drew some pictures (cartoons) for the annual - hard work!  But fun!

March 2, 1972
3:40

SHIT!!!! Pardon the profanity but that's how I feel. Now I'm slated, practically committed to go to the dance with Tom, and I DON'T WANT TO GO!!

He came up to me after school and goes, "Are you going to the dance with me tomorrow?"  

I was absolutely stunned. I thought I'd made it clear to him that I didn't like him, 'cept as a friend. I guess I hadn't. "Well ... uh ... I don't know," I said. Then I got a hold of my senses and said, "If you wanted me to go with you, why didn't you ask me yourself instead of sending Tim to ask me?"

"I didn't!" he said. "He just said to me, ‘If I can get Terri to say she'll go to the dance with you, will you go?' and I said yeah. I didn't ask you before because I didn't know how I was getting on with you."

I wanted to sink into the ground and shout, "You're NOT getting on with me, you idiot! I DON'T like you, don't, don't, don't!" Instead, I just said sweetly, "Well, I don't know - it's not because of you or anything, it's just because I'm not sure if I can (go to the dance) or not."

He just nodded and said "Oh," and I walked away.
 

How would this sound?

Dear Tom (scratch the "Dear")

I like you a whole lot, as a real good friend, but I'm going with someone else. I didn't tell you before because Regina said she'd already told you, but I guess you didn't understand. It just wouldn't be fair to him if I two-timed him by liking you. I hope you understand, and aren't mad, but I like him too, and I'm going with him. Please don't be mad.  

Too dishonest.

 Tom,

I don't like you, so just get off my back please before I get my steady boyfriend to knock you off.

Too brutal.

Dear Tom,

Please try and understand, but I can't go with you to the dance and I can't hang around you at all, because I'm going with somebody else now, and I can't 2-time him.

Too short & cruel.

 
Or how about THIS:

Tom,

Thank you for asking, but I won't be able to go to the dance with you.

Terri

Sunday
March 5, 1972 9:15 p.m.

Tonight I went to church after a long, long leave of absence.

For a while I was under the horribly mistaken impression that I liked Brad Hemingway, Brian's older brother. He and Karen and I walked to the store together in the pouring down rain (Karen likes him, I think), and I watched as he spent a DOLLAR on candy and junk. You know what he did with it? Sat there and ate it during evening service, during the sacrament of the Holy Communion. He and Karen sat there next to me, talking & whispering & laughing (during the service), and it made me so mad!

Kenny wasn't there, and I was sort of disappointed and sort of relieved. I'm not sure if I am emotionally ready to see him again.

If I like anybody, I guess it would have to be this really nice guy at our church, Brian W.  He's not much to look at, but his head and his soul are really together. He gave me a ride home, and we talked for a while, but I don't think there's anything special between us, yet. I hate to rush things. Situations like this work out better when they are natural, unhurried and unplanned.

Also, at our school, there is this really far-out guy named Norman S. that I could really get to like. Like Brian, he isn't cute except in a natural way, but he's got the soul of a poet. He's so quiet and sensitive, and I think he's so sweet. I told Miss Langlitz (English teacher and good friend) that I "wish I knew him better." 

About Tom - this is what I did. During 3rd period English I asked Miss Langlitz if I could go to my locker, and she said OK. While I was gone, Penny leaned over to Regina and said (within Tom's hearing) "Regina, did you know that Brad asked Terri to go with him last night?" They talked about it for a while (making sure Tom could hear). Finally Tom broke in and said, "What's this?" Penny goes, "Oh, Brad asked Terri to go with him last night." 

"He did?" 

"Yeah." 

"Is she going with him?" 

"Yeah." 

He looked kind of mad, and for the rest of the day he was withdrawn and angry.

That afternoon on the bus home, he sat down in the seat across the aisle from Penny (she told me about it later). He was still mad, and he goes "Who's this Brad kid?" 

Penny goes (ad-libbing) "Just some kid at her church - why?" 

He growls, "Well, the least she could do would be to tell ME."

 

I've got the world to hold me up!

 

The next day (again on the bus)

Penny:  "Did you know that Terri broke up with Brad?"
Tom:  "She did?"
Penny:  "Yeah ... now she's going with Pat." (More lies)
Tom:  "Was there ever a Brad in the first place?"
Penny (stunned):  "Wuh ... of COURSE there was. Why?"
Tom:  "Because I asked Laura Payne, she goes to Terri's church, and she says there isn't any Brad there."
Penny:  "Well, there IS."

March 10, 1972

On the bus, Tom kept pushing, shoving and hitting Penny, acting like a real child. After a while Penny just couldn't take it anymore.

Penny:  "The way you're acting, that's why you never got nowhere with Terri!"
Tom:  "Terri's stuck up."
Penny:  "She is not!"
Tom:  "She is too! You can just tell her to fuck off, and you too."

I feel really bad that he harbors such bad thoughts against me, and I told Penny so. She said, "Oh, he still likes you, but he's just mad because you don't like him."

I just feel all confused.

 
In the test-tube of life
Substance still unknown

 

 VERY GOOD movie: "Robinson Crusoe on Mars" It sounds corny but it isn't!

 

I hope I'm not boring you, my friend (my daughter? my son? my niece? my sister?) (The entire Internet universe?)

Sunday 12:30
March 19, 1972

I'm really super downcast worried. I want to go on the retreat next month, very badly, but there are only 2 (maybe only 1) girls' spots still open, and if I don't get my $5.00 down payment in TONIGHT I can't go. Rob said he'd hold a space open for me, but the thing is, I may not get to church on time tonight - I may not get to go at all. Of all the crummy days for Grandpa to have to work late!!!!

It's not getting there that worries me, it's the $ situation. I approached Grandma about it, and she was about as unenthusiastic as you can get. I'm scared. I want to go so much - Kenny is going. Even though I'm not as madly in love with him as I used to be, I'd still like to see him again and see if we're still friends at least. Hope so.

I wonder what kind of mother I'm going to be. (If.)  I hope I'll be a good mom. I'd hate to have my kids hate me because I was a crummy (mother). But with the Lord on my side, how could I fail?

Right now, 14 years old, I wish I could know my kids now, see what they'll be like, etc. - but mostly I'd like them to know me as a kid. Because, well, I just can't imagine MY mom as ever being 14 years old. Her past seems so far away and unreal. I think of her as she is now - I just can't seem to see her & Dad as a young teenage married couple. It's impossible.

 
HI KIDS:

Hi, this is your dear old Mom writing to you, only the thing is you're not even born yet. Weird, huh? In fact, I probably haven't even met your father yet (maybe I have, but I can't know that yet, can I?) I just want to say, hi, and I hope you like me. (stupid thing to say.)

Your Uncle Dick says: HI. (He always has so much to say ...) Right now he's a freckle-faced, shaggy-haired 13 year old (a BRAT sometimes) that loves basketball, is on our school track team, and hates girls. He claims he's never, ever getting married. (I always tease him.)

Anyway. I just waved at my stomach (after all, that's where you are right now, right?) You waved back.

I just had an idea, son/daughter ... I'm going to save this ledger for you until your 14th birthday!

March 20, 1972

Life is really shaping up! 

I'm going to try out for cheerleading sometime real soon - first, we had a meeting today of all the 7th & 8th grade girls interested in joining Pep Club next year. I have to turn in a written application, and then 2 weeks from next Thursday, I have to give an oral speech in front of a bunch of teachers, some counselors, and this year's Yell Staff on why I want to be in Pep Club. In the meantime, the cheerleaders will be coaching all girls interested in trying out for cheer on the school song, the motions and everything. If I make Pep Club, then I have a chance at Cheer. All the girls trying out (about 30 or so) will do the school song in front of the advisory board, who will pick 12 finalists. These 12 will then officially try out in front of the whole school. The student body will vote on the six best, and those six will be next year's Yell Staff. The girl who receives the most votes is Queen.

This is my prediction: Kelly C. or Kim H., Kathy H., Denise M., Lori N., Anita S., Terri V. (vanity, thy name is Terri). I know I'm probably wrong about that last one, but I can't help hoping ...

It's going to mean work, work, work to get in shape, but if that's what it takes, that's what I'll do.

Excema Seborrhea Psoriasis

"Seattle's KOL (not just a service of records, but a 50 year record of service)"

My finger hurts like anything - this morning I crushed it in the door. ouch

 

I was wrong. All the girls trying out for cheer have to do a screening cheer in front of the advisory board, not the school song. That's where the cheerleaders demonstrate a really hard cheer three or four times, and then you have to do it. The 12 best then try out in front of the school. 

I think I've made a big mistake, spreading that lie around school about having stitches, just to get me out of P.E. It's just going to get me into trouble, I know it. 
 

"What do you think, Anthony?" Well, I, er, uh ...

 

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE REWARD
"TIN GRIN TERRI"
Wanted for scraggly hair, blotchy face,
heavy legs, crooked teeth,
and ambition to be a cheerleader
even though she doesn't possess status in
the "in group" of her class.
DANGEROUS!!

 

 

March 29, 1972
Wednesday
Easter Vacation 2:00 p.m.

I feel so wonderful ... all calm and peaceful inside. Lately, I've been in a turmoil over something or other all of the time, and it's so pleasant to have no immediate, pressing worries. I just washed my hair, and now I'm sitting outside, taking advantage of the wonderful, rare sunshine. This is the first time that I've felt like this since last summer, when I was staying with Mom and Ken. That doesn't seem very long ago, but it was eight whole months. Wow, does time ever pass quickly!!!

It's so beautiful out. I'm sitting at the picnic table, beneath the two sprawling apple trees. (My dog) Nellie Belle is at my side (actually, she just ran across the street). The sun is beating on my back, and a soft breeze is playing at my hair. The air smells like fertilizer and green grass and fresh, clean hair. I can hear a dog barking, children playing in the distance, a bee buzzing by, a bird calling, a chain saw, the passing of a car, the roar of an airplane. The sounds of life, of the world I love. I feel so good.

Tonight after Bible Study I'm supposed to go to Marita Barton's slumber party. I wonder what will come of it, if I'll have fun. I hope so. I also hope that I can be myself, without pretense or hypocrisy. That's how I lose friends - I don't act like myself (Kenny, for instance) and they leave, disgusted. But see, sometimes I'm afraid that by being myself, I'll REALLY lose their admiration because my (real) self isn't good enough. I guess I lack self-confidence. Well, at least I'm not the mousey type. I've heard people describe me as "weird," "far out," "active," "nice," "stuck up," "pretty" and any others you can think of. If one persons calls me "ugly," another calls me "plain" and another says I'm "pretty," how am I supposed to know what I look like to others without seeming either conceited or timid?

March 29, 1972

HAPPY!

Sunshine
Signs of spring
Clean hair
Cool breeze
Flood of joy

 

March 31, 1972

I am in a state of shock. My dear little brother, the girl-hating, never-going-to-be-married guy, has finally succumbed. He has a girlfriend!!!! I guess I should have put together the clues sooner than I did. There were plenty of them, believe me.

1. One night a couple of weeks ago, in my room, he goes, "Terri, what would you do if I had a girlfriend?" I was stunned, but I just said calmly, so as not to scare him off, "Oh nothing. Just think it was cool. Why?" He goes, "Well, Melvin's been trying to fix me up."

2. One day I found a ring in his pocket. When I asked him where it came from, he said he "found" it.

3. Today while he was out, a girl called and asked for Dick (I was home alone).

ME: Hello.
SHE: Is Dick there?
ME: No, he's gone. Who's calling please?
SHE: Kitty.
ME: WHO????
SHE: Kitty.
ME: Oh - should I tell him you called?
SHE: Yeah, OK?

When he came home, I was hopping up and down with excitement. With a teasing look on my face, laughing, I go, "Somebody CALLED you!" 

He goes, "Who?" 

Then I go, "Who's Kitty??" 

He goes, "My girlfriend." It turns out that he's been going with her for 2 weeks (he spent $6.50 on that ring) and although I can't recall her off hand, I've heard of her. Besides, she has a pretty voice.

 

My brother Dick, age 13
Hanging around in my bedroom
1972

 

 

Wednesday
April 5, 1972

I've learned the whole school song (for cheerleading tryouts)!!!  I've gotten several unexpected compliments - from Karen Anderson, Peggy M. and Rick K. (of all people!!)  Rick goes, "God, you're good!" over and over, and then he goes, "I'm gonna vote for you!"

I try out for Pep Club tomorrow.

Sunday night 7:15
4/9/72

Well, my Tom-Terri relationship is sure having its ups and downs. About a thousand people have been asking him, "Do you like Terri?," and I've been getting a thousand different answers. Up until today, the answers have been mostly "Yes," so that I was positive that he liked me. But, during 2nd period, Sherry informed me of a little "conversation" that she & Denise LeCompte had with him.

D: I know a girl that has a crush on you.
T: Who?
D: Terri Vert.
T: Oh yeah, I know.
D: Do you like her?
T: Well ... yeah, as a real good friend.
D: I think she's real cute, don't you?
T: Oh ... she'll do. ALL the girls are in love with me!

Well, naturally this did wonders for my ego, can't you imagine, and I was downcast all day. I didn't know if he had been just kidding, or if Sherry was lying, or what. After all, I like him a WHOLE LOT, and knowing that in his eyes I'll "do" made me slightly unhappy. Anyway, after school, I was waiting around in front of the office for Sandy & Penny to come, when somebody brushed against me and said, "Hi Terri." Three guesses who it was. I may seem like a real idiot, doting on 2 little words like that, but it's the first time he's spoken to me in such a long time, since March 3rd. That's quite a while.

April 21, 1972

Oh happy day!!! Amy & Penny (as usual) were kidding around and teasing me about Tom all day. Well ...

In the morning we all went into the library as planned (because Tom's always in there). We sat at the table next to his, kidded around, until the bell rang. While we were leaving, we ran into him. Penny said "Hi Thomas!" and I go "Hi!" He sort of smiled and blushed and said hi. Penny said, "Well, why don't you say hi to Terri?" and he laughed and said, "I did!"

At lunchtime, we were just standing around with nothing to do, when I happened to mention the fact that maybe Tom wasn't talking to me or anything because I was constantly surrounded by my friends. Penny and Amy took it the wrong way, got kind of huffy, and stormed away. After a while, I decided to make amends and went to look for them. They looked SO guilty that I knew immediately that they had said something to Tom. After pressuring them, I found out that Penny had said to him, "If you have any vocal chords, you should talk to a CERTAIN PERSON." I was so mad that I stormed into the cafeteria and sat down by myself at a table. As I sat there, glaring at the lockers, I suddenly felt Tom standing in the doorway, searching for me. Apparently he saw me sitting there alone, because he came right over and sat down beside me. (He couldn't have sat down any closer without sitting in my lap!)

He stared straight ahead and said "Hi Terri." I kept my head down. "Hello." We talked for a while. We talked about Penny & Amy being pests, school next year, and where we lived. I looked at him while we talked, but he had his usual habit of avoiding my eyes. After a while I said, "C'mon, I want to go outside." We walked up to the library together. Penny and Amy were hanging out of the (library) windows, laughing their little hearts out. I was seething.

I said, "With friends like that ..."

".. Who needs enemies?" he continued.

Several people made "cutesy" remarks (Jim C. for one!) like, "Aw, W.'s got a girlfriend!" When we went into the library, Scott Shearer, Jerry Wagner and John Muir started going, "Oh, isn't that cute!" We went to the back room and sat down at the table next to Penny & Amy. I was going to sit at their table, but I decided it would be nicer if I sat with him. The bell rang a few seconds later anyway, so we just had to leave again. He walked me to 4th period. When we were leaving, I could hear my EX GOOD FRIEND Penny telling him to put his arm around me, and that "hands are not for putting in pockets." KILL!!! He took me even to my seat! Then he talked to Mr. Kemp for a sec, and left, saying "See ya, Terri."

Happy, happy, happy.

Gee I'm happy. I remember, back at the beginning of this book (Nov. 6) I was trying so desperately to scrape up some feelings for him. I know now that I was trying too hard. When he and I were finished (or so I thought), I felt mostly relief. But then I'd see him, day after day, and I'd make a point of being where he could see me. I guess something that Amy said really hit the truth - "I think that you two still like each other, but from what I can tell, you just had a misunderstanding."

Tom -n- Terri = Love 4/Ever and Ever, Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hola! Yo me llamo Terri Vert, y tengo catorce anos. Tengo un novio MUY simpatico - se llama Tomas W.  El esta muy guapo, y el mejor parte esta aquel Tomas te gusta yo tambien! Hoy, Tomas andaba y hablaba con yo. Fue muy maravilloso - pero, por supuesto, Tomas esta maravilloso! Adios, Terri 

April 24, 1972

What a day! I keep saying that, over & over again. What a day! What a day! What a day!

(My grades are rotten)

At first this day started out horrible, but things got better. Three really good things happened today.

1. At lunchtime Tom was sort of avoiding me, as usual, since I was hanging around with my girlfriends. ("I'd have talked to her sooner," he'd told Amy earlier, "'except she's always with her friends." I knew it!!!) Finally, he went into room 201, an empty classroom, with some of his friends, while we were just hanging around outside. I decided that the best way to get him out of there would be to walk down to my locker to get something BY MYSELF, making sure he could see me out the window. It worked. The instant I was in sight, zoom, he goes out the door, following me. Honestly, it was so funny because he did exactly what we knew he would. I messed around at my locker, trying to look real busy. He appeared at the door, looked all over the cafeteria for me. The next thing I knew, he was there at my side. He walked me to class. I asked him if he were afraid of my friends or something, and he said "Well it seems like you spend a lot of time with them." HONESTLY! He's so weird! 

I said, "Do you think I'd rather spend time with them than with you????" I told him to just come over, that my friends would leave if we wanted to be alone. 

He has this strange habit. Whenever you talk to him, he kinda half-smiles and stares straight ahead. He never meets your gaze. It's weird. When I talk to him, I look straight at him.

2. After school he came over to my locker when I was standing around. I told him I was trying out for cheer & everything, and he said "Oh, you'll make it." Ha! We went outside and were just talking and everything, when Ricky McNeill goes "Hey Tom, is that your chick?" !!! 

Tom blushed, said "Yeah." 

Ricky goes, "Well, KISS her." Tom started beating up on him. I was so embarassed!!!

3. We tried out for cheer finals. Three people won't make it. NERVOUS! 

April 25, 1972

Closer and closer to cheer tryouts! I'm so scared. I made screening.

Today Tom:

1. Sat by me at the library in the morning

2. Sat by me outside on the ledge for a long time & talked, then walked me to class (4th period)

3. Was waiting for me at my locker after school and walked me to Sandy's. I learned several things about him & what he's been saying about me.

A. In English:
Dan: "In our play, I get to marry a bathing beauty. Aren't I lucky?"
Tom: "I already have one."  (or something to that affect)

B. Apparently he and Gerry Hinkle were talking about me last Friday - Gerry was telling him about how we used to like each other and stuff, about how I wasn't allowed to go to dances last year.

C. When he walked me to Sandy's, I asked him if he knew me last year and he said no. Then we got to talking about the first times we ever saw each other, and he says something like, "I remember the first time I saw you, I remember thinking ‘That girl's cute.'" Every time I walk with him or anything, his friends practically crawl out of the woodwork ("Get it on, Whidden!") It is somewhat embarrassing, to say the least, but I really don't mind.

I MADE SCREENING!!!!  Here are the three who didn't - Kim T., Brenda Z., KIM H. (SHOCK!!!!!!!)  Here are the 12 finalists: Naomi A., Teri C., Kelly C., Kathy H., Starla H., Denise M., Lori N., Penny N., Lori P., Cathy S., Anita S., me.

April 26, 1972

An absolute dud of a day. After a dentist appointment, I made a special point of going back to school just to see Tom. What did he do? Say about 5 words ("Hi Terri - I've gotta go"). Oh boy.

God my teeth hurt.

Kathy H. will probably be voted Cheer Queen. Tom will probably ask me to go to the dance with him tomorrow, unless I scared him off too badly last time (I regret that). Hope so.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Denise LeCompte in History, goes "Has he asked you yet?" (to go with him) 

April 27, 1972

I am so nervous, I can't stand it!!! Tomorrow we try out (for cheer), and I know I won't make it. I feel sort of horrible and depressed. I don't know what Rhonda K. has against me, but she's making my life miserable. 

April 28, 1972

 1. I did not make cheer

2. I can't stand Tom

3. Rhonda K. is making my school life miserable

4. Thea has ruined church for me

Have I no where to turn???? I feel so low ...

Everything seems to be going wrong. My grades are sinking ... I didn't make cheer, and I made a complete ass out of myself, trying ... I've got Rhonda and her little cohorts on my back ... I'm stuck with a boyfriend I can't stand. I feel like a failure, and it hurts.

In this world you will have many sorrows; but cheer up, for I have overcome the world.
~ Jesus

April 29, 1972
7:45 a.m.

Dismal. Tired. Pensive.

11:30

A little better, but not quite.

Last night after school, I went to the dance with Tom. It was horrible. The band was louder than hell, no kidding ... my eardrums really took a beating (no pun intended). Tom insisted on sitting on the bleachers, way up in a high, dark corner of the gym, for the entire dance (no dancing). I was just sitting there, and pretty soon he drapes his droopy old arm around me. The back of the bleachers were jabbing into my back, this dumb arm of his weighed at least a ton, I suddenly decided I couldn't stand him, Rick Gookstetter practically sat in Tom's lap the whole time, offering real "helpful" suggestions ("You got five minutes left to make out" - I wasn't supposed to hear that one). Besides which I was down in the dumps ANYWAY about not making cheer.

So now Terri, you moron, you're back in the same spot that you were in a month or two ago  ... Tom's on your back again, and you don't like him anymore 'cept as a friend (cliché, cliché). But this time, there's nobody to blame but yourself. For Pete's sake, you managed to dump him once ... but like a dope, you turned right around and made him think you like him again (you did, sure, for a while).

Everytime I think of that droopy old arm, flopping down with a sound thump on my poor, defenseless shoulder, I want to CROAK. It was so disgusting.

3:00 p.m.

I feel like never going back to school, ever again. What have I got to look forward to, anyway, besides summer vacation? The thrills and excitement of getting rid of a drippy ex-boyfriend? The joy of more of Rhonda K.'s cleverly-delivered, witty, invisible hate bombs? The PLEASURE of seeing Kelly C., brand-new cheerleader, and her disgusting swelled head? The honest-to-God excitement of school?

Or how about church, with wonderful Thea and her "real Christian" cohorts chortling around their little black cauldron?

Or home, with Grandma's constant cynicism, Grandpa's wall-to-wall teasing, and Dick's great new superior "cool" attitude?

I just don't know where to turn ...

If I could have made cheer, that would have rectified a lot of things. It would have "shown up" Rhonda's little clique against yours truly, given me and Penny a one way ticket into the "in" group, won the admiration and firsthand notice of people who before had trouble remembering my name. But, as that worn out cliche goes, "that's the way the cookie crumbles." Ha! If so, then my entire life seems to be comprised of crumbs.

Oh yah, sure, I won a lot of honors and praise and prizes and titles and things in grade school, when I was everybody's little darling. WHAT HAPPENED?!!?  I mean, things have changed so much since then, but I'm not exactly sure what those things are. Is it me?? I doubt it - as far as I can tell, my personality hasn't changed that much. I'm still much the same as I used to be, aren't I? Well, then, what has happened? It's been so long since I've won something good and important ... I lost Senator, class rep, cheer ... I've never been a Girl of the Month or the Quarter or the Semester. I don't hold any offices or titles. My life is so damned empty.

God, back in 6th grade, my social life was so full that I could barely find any free time at all. I was practically automatically chosen for anything my little heart desired. Back then, disappointment was ONLY being elected vice president of a club ... now I'm lucky to be put on the Clean-up Committee.  I obviously lack that certain something that spells p-o-p-u-l-a-r-i-t-y. I know I'm not Miss America, but then again I'm no Roberta Doohickey, either. And I don't have the "charming, suave, smooth sophistication of the social butterfly," the thousand dollar wardrobe, the cum laude grades or brain or intellect of a child genius. There is no written code book of the rules and regulations of acceptaince into the higher presence of (The Cool Kids). ... so I can't know what it is I'm doing wrong. All I want is a place where I'll be accepted by as many people as possible. Is that too much to ask? I guess so ...

 

"It's hard to love when nobody loves you back."

A HAPPY HEART IS HARD TO COME BY NOWADAYS

Summer of ‘72 will be ...   ?  

 

 

THINK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, READER DEAR ...

Only 18 more pages of this ledger left!!!
Read on for more thrills, chills, and spills in the
EVER EXCITING life
of that well-known ALL AMERICAN GIRL
(famous for her thrilling daily adventures),

Terri L. Vert ...

...  and be sure and pick up a copy of
"Ledger Two: The Life of Terri Vert, Continued
(or ‘On To Greater Heights of Fame & Fortune),"

available in paperback at a Time Capsule near you!

Sunday
April 30, 1972

What a terrible month ... so glad it's over.

Just think, only a few weeks of school left, and then 3 luscious free months of vacation. Wunnerful, wunnerful. I'm going to Camp Firwood for 2 weeks (July 9-21), but so far, that's all the plans I've made so far.

School tomorrow, sic. Well, que seda, seda. Pero, no quiero que seda sue seda. Deseo mi novio comprendaba, y Rhonda no fue no contente.

Goodnight. 

May 2, 1972 

Apparently Tom hasn't realized that I don't like him as a boyfriend, even though I've told 10 hundred people or so about it. I wonder how long it will take ...

You know, maybe I do still like him. Dang it!! I wish I knew for sure. Tomorrow just might turn the tables. Poor Tom.  I must have driven him crazy that year.

I feel considerably better than I did Sunday afternoon. Life isn't all bad.

May 3, 1972 
Wednesday

I ignored him all day, especially when he was with me. I feel sort of rotten about it ... I think I'll talk to him about it tomorrow, if I can scrape up the guts.

I babysit tonight for the Longworths. Goody (ha ha) 

May 4, 1972 

Scott Shearer likes me. Great. I like him as un amigo ONLY. Pero, me gusta Norman Strayer mucho, mucho, mucho (yo pienso).

There's a retreat tomorrow, but I'm not going. No way. Not if good old Thea is going. She just ruins everything and makes me sick.

I wish I were one of next year's cheerleaders instead of KELLY C.!!!!!!! 

May 5, 1972 

Ouch-my-toe-hurts. I just got a pin jabbed into it, near the nail. Ow!

I felt slightly more depressed today, I don't know why. Penny and I had a fight ("I did not see you this morning") but we patched that up. Scott was kind of quiet today. Norman was at school (SHOCK) but he said nothing to me. The six new cheerleaders hung around together a lot, Kelly's big mouth always yelling ("Cheer this, cheer that").

May 7, 1972
Sunday 2 p.m.

What a wasted day ... Dad didn't show up, and I didn't go to church. I feel sort of pensive, thoughtful. I painted this really cool picture last night, using watercolors, of an island in the sunset with trees casting images on the water. On the top, in Italian Gothic lettering, it says "Still waters run deep," and it turned out pretty good.  My dad hung that crappy painting in his living room for years.

School tomorrow - semi-blah.

May 9, 1972 
Tuesday 8:00 p.m.

Norman was as attentive as ever (ha ha). I don't think I really like him at all. I'm just sort of casting around, looking for someone to love. I know he's out there somewhere ... I've just got to find him. In the meantime I love to flirt. Tom was absent today. 

May 10, 1972

Today was just another ordinary day. I got all dressed up: nylons, white shoes, the works, and really felt insecure. Norman was absent, so was Tom. I told Amy that I liked Tom again, just to see what she would say, and she pointed out something that I hadn't even thought of. She said: "Do you think he'd EVER like you again, after the way you've treated him?" 

I was stunned. Of course she's right. If I ever start liking him again (doubtful - but that's what I said last time & look what happened), I wouldn't have a chance of getting him back, since this is the 3rd time I've dumped him like this.

I'm going to model in the Mother/Daughter/Tea/Fashion Show! We practiced today in Home Ec, on the risers.

Scott gave me a violet today - I pressed it in my math book.

We had dinner at Yazellino's with Dad. 

May 11, 1972

This was a good day ... there's this crazy mock-rumor going around that I'm pregnant, and all during 5th period Elizardo, Bob, Tracy, Karl, Scott, Allan and all the guys were kidding around and teasing me and everything, and it was all a lot of fun. Tom was absent again. 

May 12, 1972

OK day! The guys in 5th period were still teasing me today, and it sure was funny.

1st period - Listening to Mrs. Gaffney's exciting (ha!) lectures on the history of Spain - taking notes.

2nd period - Track (ick) - watching everybody do the long jump, comparing hairy arms with Roxane Genzales, feeling dumb just standing around.

3rd period - Read part of "The Wizard's Daughter" - Jim E. sat behind me, and I sort of nonchalently turned around in my seat and read.

4th period - TEST. I kept doing it wrong, Mr. Kemp kept sending me back to do it right. We got our newspapers.

5th - Sort of a free period.

6th - Practiced modelling.

I'm supposed to go to Lynne Bosckis' house tonight for a slumber party. 

We had a barbecue tonight, Aunt Bonnie and Elizabeth (with her new sunglasses) came. We had: Barbecued Spareribs & Sauce French Fries Salad Pork & Beans Strawberries Chocolate Cake

I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN GRANDPA!!! I thought he'd "kicked the habit." God, it looked repulsive. I think this was when I "caught" Grandpa and Aunt Bonnie drinking and smoking together in the kitchen, late one night. 

May 14, 1972 
Sunday 11:30 a.m.

Let me try and explain how I feel right now ... I swear, I'm in the weirdest mood. I keep losing control of time ... my sense of time is all screwed up. I keep getting these impressions (maybe from the Other Place), impressions that I'm in another place, another time. The sensation that I'm in the middle of last summer is strongest. It's absolutely weird ... the signals and thoughts from the Other Place have never come through this strongly. The Other Place (lovingly referred to as Og or Carthage in my dreams) is not of this world, although we two unknowingly share the same position in space. It's just that we have different dimensions ... we're both on this planet, except we have different worlds. The Other is on a higher plane than ours, and therefore is harder to reach. It's all different there ... it's hard to describe to someone who has never been there.  Although we revolve in our own separate levels, there is a way to get from one to the other. Two ways, in fact. One, the Portal of Calmay, is perhaps the hardest. It is the shadow door, the chamber, the link through which the Fairye Spirits are able to travel. (Ha ha - the Others are not ghosts, or fairyes, or any stupid bullshit like that ... they are as real as we are.) The Portal is open only to those who have The Sight. I don't have The Sight completely yet, but I will eventually. The Olders are ahead of me. The other way is the way I go, through sleep. You find out that beyond the shadow dreams of the night, far beyond the subconscious mind, is another Door to the Other. If you are favored, as I am, then They'll let you in. But you've got to know how to push through the cloud dreams and get in. It happened to me by accident when I was 8. I accidentally pushed through, and I discovered the Other. Since then, I go practically every night.

Ohhhhhhhkay ... 

May 15, 1972
Monday 8 p.m.

Fair day - nothing spectacular. Carol S. and Billy U. like each other, which for some reason bugs the hell out of me. I get so depressed ... I hope next year will be a lot better than this crummy year. I mean it ... this had to have been the LOUSIEST year of my entire schooling. A lot of things have gone wrong ... I didn't make cheer, I was "out" of the "in" group, I didn't make student government, my grades went down.

Of course, some good things happened too. Brian H. and that Friday night last October ... Kenny  ... Tom ... that's about all. 

May 16, 1972

Good day, especially 5th period. I wore my black peasant dress pinned up over my jeans, and didn't even realize that it looked like a maternity top!!!  

We had an assembly 2nd period, Glacier's Stage Band. Jim E. was in ONE LOUSY MOOD.

Tom, after school, had his friend Danny come up to me after school and go, "Tom sez to tell you he's tired of playing games." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I sputtered and fumed for a sec, and then he goes, "Well, you're going with him, aren't you?" 

I forget what I said exactly, but I managed to convey the message that as far as I was concerned, Tom Whidden was number zero on my list. If that doesn't give him the message, I don't know what will. If I should ever start liking him again, that would be tough. I'm past the point of return now. I've burned all my bridges behind me.

Rhonda K. doesn't hate me anymore!!! 

May 17, 1972

Fair day.

Spanish: boring history, a thousand King Carloses and Ferdinands.

P.E.: some sort of soccer. 

English: Miss Langlitz got super mad at us for putting away her tissue paper mess. (She said to "watch" it, we thought she said "wash" it.)

Math: boring. I tried to wangle some answers about Tom out of Amy, but she kept giving me all these goofy answers.

History: OK.

Home Ec: just sat around and talked, decorated Amy's pee chee.

The best time of the day is between 4th & 5th period. Today A.) Jim G. put grass in my hair B.) Jim Oliver put his footprint on my pants C.) Bob M. put scraps of paper in my hair.  Also, Scott gave me a new flower (plastic), I wrote a "note" to Bob Scarsella, we had fun at the lunch table with the 7th grade boys, and Tom followed me all over the place (discreetly, of course). 

May 19, 1972

Dear Ledger,

Well, it looks like this is it ... the time that I must bid goodbye to you. Gee, I really hate to see you go ... believe me, you've been a very good friend for me. You've been my constant companion ... a sort of silent confidante. You've helped me through a tough, lonely year, and for all this I thank you. I mean it - you have watched me traverse through practically an entire year ... you've seen me in love, out of love, anxious, scared, angry, depressed, frustrated ... happy, elated, hopeful, excited ... in pain ...

But how do you thank someone
Who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
It isn't easy but I'll try.
If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters
That soar a thousand feet high -

TO LEDGER, WITH LOVE ...

Your memory will always be with me. Goodbye and God bless.

Terri

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